C'mon 2010!

I had high expectations for 2009. 2008 had been challenging (you can read about it here and here and here) but I was sure 2009 was going to be my year --I was sure I would finally get to meet my daughter!!

There was movement in my adoption process this year-- my 171-H arrived, I got waitlisted and I eventually got the referral of a beautiful little girl-- but meeting her will have to wait until 2010. Other than the adoption, I didn't have a particularly eventful year. Sure there were some high moments. It started out great with the inauguration of our new president. Gosh, we were all so full of hope, weren't we? I took two very short weekend trips-- one to Nags Head and one to LA. I also made some new friends, reconnected with ones from my past, joined a choir, spent time with family, got rid of a lot of clutter, learned about and embraced thrifting and pursued my creative endeavors. Heck, I was even celibate... if you can call that a highlight! All of those things brought happiness or satisfaction on some level. 2009 also had it's low points, though, including all the toads I dated, nagging injuries that led me to becoming fatter and flabbier than ever, and of course not being able to bring my daughter home. To say that I am ready for 2010 is quite the understatement!

Is anyone making resolutions this year? I'm not fond of the failure that often comes along with them, but I love how they make me feel like anything is possible. I was reading about resolutions on Christine Kane's blog. Man, I love her blog. She is so full of wisdom! She talks about how one should choose just one word and use that word to guide you-- to set intention for the year. She bases it on the DO-HAVE-BE model. Basically, instead of focusing on the the 'DO' (i.e. lose weight) to 'HAVE' self-esteem to 'BE' confident she says to focus on the 'BE' instead of the 'DO'. So if confidence is really what you want, than strive for that. She states it much more articulately. You can read her words here. I am going to try that this year --choose one word to 'BE' this year. Her list of words is very long and there are many, many things I want in my life including:

Presence
Grace
Health
Civility
Discipline
Abundance
Simplicity
Gratitude
Trust
Patience

Each would be incredibly beneficial but I was able to narrow it down fairly quickly; however, I find it quite a challenge to narrow it down to only one. This last step, the choosing of one word to be my beacon for an entire year is taking some serious reflection and self-analysis. I have spent the last several days meditating and journaling about what was missing from 2009 and on what I want my focus to be for 2010.

Whatever word I choose, I am looking forward to seeing how it guides, enriches and transforms my goals. Happy New Year Everyone! I hope 2010 brings you lots of growth, knowledge and joy!

But is it Love?

Ok, I gotta be honest here. I never understood when adoptive parents say they fell in love with a referral photo. I understand how they (we) can be overjoyed, conflicted, thrilled, saddened, excited, overwhelmed, anxious, curious, reflective, peaceful, worried, and a whole host of other feelings when they open the referral photo for the first time, but love? I'm not so sure.

When I opened my referral photos I was overcome with emotion. She is a beautiful baby and looking at her photos brought up a mixture of feelings. Tears sprung to my eyes because I was overjoyed at the thought of finally becoming a mother and because I was profoundly saddened by the thought that this sweet little thing had a family who was unable to care for her, but not because I was in love.

Over the past few weeks my feelings for this little girl have grown considerably. Though I am consciously trying to not become attached (5% of referrals fall through and even if I do get the opportunity to adopt this child who knows how many more weeks or months I will have to wait) I do find myself longing to hold, protect, teach and nurture her. I worry about her development, her health, her happiness. I email my agency begging for updates and scour the agency yahoo group photo albums for more pictures of her.

I have been fortunate. I have gotten some updates from both my agency and traveling adoptive parents, and I have received updated photos and even video clips of her. She looks healthy and well cared for which calms me and makes me happy. I want the best for her, of course, but at the same time I want the best for all the children in the care center. This child has been chosen for me and I am honored to have the opportunity to raise her and I will love her unconditionally but I could have just as easily been matched with another child and I would have loved that child as well. Without attachment and devotion and interaction can one really feel love? I know that I stare at her photos and see that she wrinkles up her brow like I do and has an adorable button nose like my sister. I find similarities in her personality as well when I read the comments on her temperament. I already feel like she is a part of my family and I am dying to meet her but is it love? I know I love the idea of being connected to a culturally rich country with warm, humble people. I love the idea of becoming a mother and getting the opportunity to nurture a child. I love the idea of my house being filled with laughter. I love the idea of my parents seeing me as a mother. I love the opportunity to create memories and traditions. I love her bright eyes and curly hair. And I love that, God willing, she will one day become my daughter.

But do I love her now? Right at this moment, before we've even met? It's hard to say.

Xmas 2009

Well, that was different. Different than I imagined, for sure, but also different than I have ever experienced. Since my mom was still recuperating from surgery and I couldn't be in Pittsburgh for both Xmas and her birthday she chose I go for her birthday which is on the 28th. That meant it was my first Xmas ever that I celebrated without my parents and my sisters. That was different for sure, but for me it was just perfect because it was low key and simple and took my mind off of my baby girl. On Christmas Eve I bought this perfect meal which made me feel close to my little pumpkin and ate it while listening to some lovely Christmas music.


On Christmas morning my darling cousin stopped by my house as soon as his plane landed. What a perfect start to the day! I served up some homemade quiche and brewed some Ethiopian coffee that I had purchased directly from a merchant when volunteering in Addis.



Then later on in the day I drove up to Baltimore and had dinner with my aunt and most of my cousins who I usually don't see on Xmas. I had my camera but was so caught up in conversation and laughter that I forgot to pull it out! It was a lovely evening and I felt surrounded by the kind of warmth and love that only family can bring.

It was special. But next year... next year-- baby, you will be here and I can't wait!!

Crafting and Cookies Make Everything All Better

I had a lovely day today! I woke up early and looked at craft blogs. I got some creative ways to decorate my house for the holidays... which will last through January over here since I am getting such a late start.


Then I got to the thrift store just when it opened and picked up some great Xmas gifts! I am so excited to give them because they are really, really nice and oh, so economical!

Then I got a wonderful massage.

Now I am about to bake cookies (...yeah, i ate all the ones I baked earlier in the week! lol) and get ready to do some cool crafts. Look at these awesome snowflakes I found on Crafty nest!



They are made out of Popsicle sticks! So easy and so simple yet elegant. Love them! I also love this idea which I saw on Little Big Nest:



How cute is that?! I think I have a stick in my backyard I can use and I bought some mini ornaments today at the thrift store for $.90!

Ok, gotta run! Cookies and crafting are calling my name! I'll post photos of the results!

It's a Murky Ocean Day

Oh, adoption. I have a serious love/hate relationship with you. How is it that one moment you make me want to shriek with joy from snow-capped mountaintops and the next you make me want to escape into the murky depths of the ocean floor? Today is a murky-ocean-day and for some reason as I type this post I have these John Lennon lyrics running through my head..

"So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong..."

To begin with it's the holidays. A time of great joy for many reasons and a time of year that I love (especially with 3 extra days of vacation thanks to the blizzard of '09! Woot!) but it's also the time of year that plunges me into the doldrums... you know the whole single and childless thing. Not to sound like a broken record, but it can really suck around Christmas. Last year I posted about it. This holiday season is no different. It's just unbelievable to me that I am still without my daughter! And then today I received a note from my agency with another explanation about why my court date is being held up again. And this explanation leaves everything open-ended with no definitive end in sight. I went from hoping she'd be here for Christmas-- to hoping to pass court by Christmas-- to hoping for a court date by Christmas-- to now just hoping for a court date at all and being able to complete this adoption. I'm about *this* close to ditching my family and all the Christmas traditions and booking a flight somewhere warm where I can sit alone on a beach and sip mai tais.

Oh yeah, I have no money. Well, then, excuse me while I go eat a dozen cookies and book a massage.

No Plastic Toys!

You know what is one of my pet peeves? Seeing brightly colored plastic toys strewn all over people's living rooms. Primary colored, hard-a**, easily breakable, unoriginal toys in every room in a house. I really hate that. The thought of my peaceful home-- which is just coming together and becoming the decluttered, feng shui space I have been dreaming of my whole life --suddenly being littered with the latest D!sney paraphernalia and battery operated toys that play the same song over and over again and other assorted plastic junk was not making me happy. 'Just wait until you have a child,' I've been told, 'You won't have a choice.'

Well, I beg to differ. To be fair, I thought they were right even though I hated to admit that. And before I realized a way out of this, I admit a lot of time was spent trying to think of a way to house them so I wouldn't have to see these eyesores on a daily basis. I researched wooden toy boxes, bins, hanging nets and baskets. I also spent hours trying to figure out which room would be best for a playroom where I could just shut the door and pretend they didn't exist.

But then it hit me! Just don't buy any! What a wonderful solution! I mean, seriously, I don't have to have toys in my house that are going to drive me crazy when there are so many that won't. I wouldn't mind a dollhouse and stuffed animals and musical instruments and wooden puzzles in my living room. That sounds charming actually. Kind of like the olden days. Downright quaint. I love it! And these types of toys, along with art supplies, sensory play activities, cooking, playing outside and reading lots and lots of books will help develop her creativity and imagination.

I suppose as she gets a little older and gets influenced by her friends and advertising she may ask for a specific toy she has seen on TV and that will be ok. I remember begging my parents for Barb!e dolls but my mom didn't think she was a good role model with her overly sexy body and clothes so Barb!e never appeared in my house. I got Raggedy Anne. Now don't get me wrong, I loved Raggedy Anne (renamed her Caroline) and I carried her everywhere but I do remember being disappointed at never receiving a Barb!e. I also remember playing at a friend's house when I was in the 5th or 6th grade and discovering she had about 20 Barb!ies (and the townhouse and sports car!) shoved in the corner of her bedroom. She clearly hadn't played with them in a while but I dying to play with them so we did and I was as happy as a clam.

I think my mom was on to something and I understand what she was trying to do... and she probably didn't want to see all the junk either! But I also know that gifts are to bring joy so I think the solution is you can ask for one thing you want. I can deal with one ugly plastic toy or one overly marketed D!isney toy in my house if that's what she really wants and I can supplement it with a bunch of other good quality, imaginative toys that will last years and years.

The other day I was at the thrift store and came across this!


$15. Looks brand new... even has the $85 price tag still attached. Not only would I not mind this in my living room but man, how cute would this look under the Xmas tree? She won't be home for Christmas this year (and I don't have a tree) so maybe I should save it for next year. What do you guys think about toys and marketing and excess? Am I being too controlling?

bits and pieces

I love reading all the comments I have been getting lately. I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been supportive in the process and who touched by my reunion with R. and to those who celebrated my referral with me. I truly love the blogging world! You guys are great!

It's a crazy time of year with the holidays and Kindergarten assessments and parties and traveling and dating and trying to prepare for my little one's arrival! I am sad that she won't be here for Christmas-- that part is definitely tough, but I still have so much to do to prepare so I guess it's ok that I have to wait a couple more months. I still don't have a court date but I was told to expect one next week. That would be a great Xmas present! (Not as good as actually passing court, of course, but for now I'll take it. My God, it's been almost six weeks! Give me a court date already!)

Meanwhile, I have been trying to figure out what to do for Christmas. Driving to PA in December can be treacherous and they are calling for snow. On the other hand, my cousin is flying in from LA and I would love to see him and my other cousins who will be in this area so I may just stay here and wait til the 28th and go up for my mom's birthday. But to add to my indecision my mom fell on Thursday and broke her shoulder. They were unable to set it so she had to undergo surgery on Friday. That is never good--especially when you are in your 80's. So now I wonder if I should go to help out or if it makes more sense to wait until she is a bit more mobile. I just know I can't spend the entire time up there because this is 12 days that I could work on the nursery, organize my basement, pick a name (!) etc. In fact, this may be my last vacation before I travel to get anything done so I really need to utilize it.

Today we got a couple of feet of snow (why not Sunday night, why?! I could have used a few extra days of vacation...) and I spent the whole day in my pj's. It was great! I still have this lingering cold, though, so Netflix and rest was on order for today. I have a heated mattress pad and let me tell you that is one of the best inventions ever!! I can turn my heat down much lower and still be toasty warm. The falling snow was so beautiful and there was a ton of it. I should have gone out and attempted to shovel it but instead I spent most of my day in bed! Ahhh... enjoying it while I can, right?!

i did venture out once in my pj's to get this shot!

wow, that's a lot of snow!


So, a lot going on around here but I didn't want to neglect all you wonderful people out there and not say thank you!

Her Eyes

Have you ever experienced something so unbelievable that you had to pinch yourself to believe it was real? For some reason, I have been having a lot of those moments lately. The day before Thanksgiving I had one of those moments. I experienced something so fulfilling and so heartwarming, yet at the same time so surreal. And it was incredible.

When I was volunteering in Ethiopia I connected with many of the children, but there was one little girl in particular with whom I bonded very strongly. She was a toddler, a few months shy of two, and bonding with her was something you wouldn't expect. To begin with, as you can imagine, there was a language barrier. She spoke Amharic, I English, so we were not able to exchange words. In addition, there were few toys in the orphanage so we weren't able to play together. Instead, I would dress her, do her hair or sit with her while she ate her food. I would smile at her and give her kisses and hugs. Sometimes we would just sit together on the stoop and look out into the courtyard. Most of the time she would sit on my lap and we would play hand games and communicate with each other with our eyes and our smiles. I spent many, many hours looking into the eyes of this little girl.

After a couple of weeks we had truly bonded. When I would go onto the Wanna House compound (where the babies and toddlers lived) she would come running over to me with a huge smile and I would sweep her up into my arms and cover her with kisses. Man, I loved that little girl. If she hadn't already been matched with a family I would have brought her home. I knew she had bonded with me, too, when she would start to cry when I had to leave for the day. Here are a couple of photos of us hanging out together in the orphanage.

The last day I was in Ethiopia I went to spend some one on one time with R. She was sleepy as it was her naptime but the caregivers knew I was leaving and they didn't say anything. She sat with me as I tried not to cry.

I knew I was going to miss her so much and not knowing where she was going or how was she was going to be with her new family was very, very difficult. I don't know if she understood what was happening or she was just tired, but her reaction that last day made it much more difficult. I gave her one last kiss and put her down in her crib and walked away. I never thought I'd see her again.

When I got back to the States, I thought about R. a lot. I often wondered how she was doing and if she was happy with her new family. Sometimes I literally ached thinking about it, I missed her so much. After a few months I posted about her on my blog and to my amazement I got this comment:

"Oh my gosh- I just stumbled across your blog and you are holding my daughter at Wanna!!!! She's a real cutie, isn't she :) We brought home R. and her brother M. in September. I would love to know if you have any more pictures of the kids, so please email me if you're willing to share. Thank you!"

It was R's mother! At first I was worried that she would be mad that I had posted a photo of her daughter but also so excited!! I could find out where she was living and how she was doing. Well, she wasn't mad and we sent a few emails back and forth, I sent her the photos I had of R. and best part of all I found out she had a blog! It was so wonderful to know that I could now see her daughter growing up by a click of the mouse. I thought it couldn't get any better than that.

Well, let me tell you, it got better than that! A few weeks ago I got an email from R's mother saying the whole family was going to be in DC for Thanksgiving and did I want to join them for dinner! Did I?! I couldn't believe my good fortune. I was so overwhelmed that they would contact me and extend the invitation and I was so excited! We met at an Ethiopian restaurant for dinner and I found myself staring into the eyes of that same little girl. The same little girl who I now know is happy and healthy and thriving and loved. It was such a joy. I felt like my heart would burst. Little R, now 3, is just as delightful and sweet as I remembered her and I honestly feel that once she looked into my eyes that she remembered me, too. It was such a special evening.

one of the most joyful moments I have had in a long, long time

planting a kiss on her cheek once again!

Thank You Party

There is no way I could have lasted throughout this whole process without the support of my friends and family. I have leaned on them in so many ways, so many times, and they have been there for me...for over two years! They have lifted me up with encouraging words, they have listened to when I bitched and moaned lamented and allowed me to cry on their shoulder. They have given donations, spent time at my yard sale, wrote letters, sent me books and cards, gave me bits of wisdom and advice... and most of all encouragement and prayer. It has been a challenging 2+ years and I am so grateful for all of them.

To thank them, I threw a little party in their honor. It turned out so nice! Everyone mingled and enjoyed chatting over the mulled cider--my winter specialty drink! I got several similar comments that evening: One was how nice my home looked which is so nice to hear cause I have a love/hate relationship with this money pit - lol. Another comment was how relaxed and happy I seemed. This really meant a lot to me as well as I have not felt relaxed nor happy very often lately. I am usually too stressed out to feel that way, but on Saturday night I really felt happier than I have in a very long time. Being surrounded by loving, caring people who only want the best for me and knowing in my heart that I will soon be a mother to a beautiful Ethiopian girl bring me a lot of joy.

Towards the end of the night I asked for everyone's attention and we all gathered in my kitchen. I went around the room, introduced all the guests, and shared how they had come into my life. Some of my friends I have known for decades and others a relatively short time, but each guest was supportive at some point, in their own way, and I really wanted them all to know how very much appreciated they all are. After going around the room and sharing how each person contributed to the process I dropped the news that I had gotten a referral. The room erupted into cheers! What a memorable evening.

My Family's Reaction

So, the fact that I have a referral has begun to sink in. Sort of. Nothing is ready -- not her bedroom, not day care, no travel partner lined up... I don't even have a name picked out! I had it narrowed down to about 20 and once I saw her picture I was able to rule some of them out because they don't seem to fit her. Now that I am down to about 12 I have to decide if I want to keep her given name as her first name or move it to the middle. So much to do as you can see, though I imagine once I get a court date I will be running around like a crazy woman. Nothing like a court date to put things in perspective.

It is starting to become real to my family as well. I drove home to tell my parents in person and surprise them with the news. I was telling them about a certification exam I had taken that morning and was going on and on about how difficult it was but how grateful I was that my friend Tracy had lent me her study guide. I pulled out the envelope which she had mailed the guide in but replaced it with a magazine on top of which I placed the referral photos. So I hand my mom the envelope as I am going on and on about the thick study guide, thinking she would pull it out and see the photos. Instead, she hands it off to my dad and keeps on talking. I had pulled out my camera at this point to try to video tape the moment but it didn't quite go as smoothly as I had planned.

My dad opens the envelope and pulls out the magazine, leaving the photos inside! And then he gets so wrapped up at looking at Tyra Bank's sexy cover photo that he doesn't even realize that he's supposed to be looking for a study guide. Meanwhile, my mom totally oblivious to this, continues to chat about the test. Finally I have to interrupt her to say, "Oh, that magazine was in there too but the study guide is also in there" to get them to reach in for the photos. My dad pulls out the photos, says nothing, and hands them to my mom. My mom glances as them and says nonchalantly, "Oh, she's cute", making no connection to the fact that these are referral photos and not a study guide! Now to their defense, they have no idea what referral photos look like nor were they expecting to see one in this envelope but I had to outright tell them what they are looking at! Even after repeating it to them several times, I swear it took a full 45 seconds for it to all sink in. Then, my mom went crazy! :-) Unfortunately I can't post them yet because someone either shows her photo or says her name or age and those details can't be given out until I pass court, but you will just have to believe that everyone was pretty darn excited! Here are a few photos of my parents and my sister on that day and one of me gazing at the photo of a little one who may become my daughter.

It's With Great Joy that I Share This News...

I accepted a referral!!! I got it over two weeks ago and it's been so hard to keep it quiet, but I couldn't post until I got the opportunity to share the news with my parents in person and I wasn't able to drive there until yesterday! It's been a crazy couple of weeks filled with insane work and personal obligations but I can finally exhale and share my joy with all of you. She is an adorable little girl with soft curls and beautiful, bright eyes. Though I hold my breath and guard my heart until I pass court, I am thrilled. Two years, five months in the adoption process. 4 months, 2 weeks, 3 days waiting for a referral. It's been a long road but my time has finally arrived.

Here are two videos.
The first one explains the events of that day.
The second one is of me opening her photos.

5 *edited*

Five months waiting. Will this be the month?

EDIT

OK, so, yeah, I had a referral at this point but I couldn't say anything. Sorry for the deception bloggy friends but I couldn't let my parents read about it on my blog!

Coming Out From Under the Fog

Thank you for your supportive comments. It's been a rough week. November is here and with it comes the start of the holiday season and the reminder that once again I will be celebrating without my own family.

Growing up, my family made a big deal out of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Family traditions were repeated year after year. Like many families, it's a special time of year. I have yearned for the day when I can share our traditions and create new ones with a husband and children. For years I have yearned for the day when I can decorate my home with symbols of the season, host Thanksgiving dinner and prepare elaborate holiday meals and treats. For years I have wanted to be the couple who threw festive dinner parties and cocktail parties. For years I have dreamed of the day when I can make gingerbread houses and Christmas cut out cookies with my kids, go caroling, choose a special gift for my husband and help my children wrap gifts over mugs of hot cocoa. I have dreamed of putting out cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeer and seeing my child in the Christmas pageant... I could go on and on. Somewhere along the way I thought the Norman Rockwell vision of the holidays was meant for me. Trust me, being in your 40's and going home for Thanksgiving and Christmas alone is so not Norman Rockwell. Sure, I have a wonderful family who loves me and welcomes me into their homes and hearts despite my whining, negative attitude, constant complaining and feeling sorry for myself. Of course I am not like this all the time and I am sure someone will comment about how ungrateful and self-absorbed I am in this post. And it's true. I am. But I am tired of going through the holidays as an adult without a husband and children. I was 100% sure that this year would be different, but as it turns out I am going to have to face these holidays again with a smile even as I see childhood friends with their husbands and children and as I field questions and comments from friends and family about why I am still not married. Blah.

Don't get me wrong, I know I am blessed. Not every family with spouses and or children is a happy one. Not everyone even has a place to go on the holidays. I am healthy, I have a job, I have friends. But, as as the days inch ever closer to Thanksgiving and then to Christmas, it is a reminder of the things that I don't have, the things that I want more than anything else in the world. I wanted so badly to be able to celebrate my daughter's safe arrival with my parents this holiday season. It brings me to tears to wonder if they may miss the opportunity to ever do this.

Gosh, this is a depressing post. I guess I am still reeling and all emotionally out of wack by the events of this afternoon. I was at work, eating lunch in my classroom and randomly decided to check my phone messages. I had two from ADT saying my alarm had gone off. Panicked, I called them back and they said that the police had responded and informed them that my basement door was open. I grabbed my things, tearfully told my vice principal I had to leave and sped home. I was so scared. I knew I could eventually replace the material items-not that I have much-but I couldn't wrap my mind around someone being in my home, going through my things...not to mention that very few of my photos are backed up (...guess I better add that to my overwhelming to do list...).

I arrived way before the police which annoyed me to no end but gave me quite a bit of time to calm down and put things into perspective. At least I wasn't home. No one is hurt. I can't imagine what kind of response I would have if this had happened when I was home asleep. Or if my girl was sleeping in the other room. Gosh, I don't even want to think about that. So, the police arrive and it turns out that one of them had responded to the call from ADT. She said that the basement door was open (which set off the alarm) but you couldn't gain access. She showed me that indeed it was open about an inch but because I had placed one of my dining room chairs under the doorknob the culprit wasn't able to gain access. I don't know if was the chair or the sound of the alarm, but this evening I am counting my blessings that nothing was taken and no one was is my home and no one was hurt. Praise God.

Seriously, Praise God.

Am I nervous to go to sleep alone tonight? You bet. Being single on days like this really f'n sucks. Damn if I don't want a strong burly man to hold me tight tonight. Instead, my mug of Earl Grey with cinnamon vanilla creamer will have to suffice. And tomorrow I will be adding more security measures to my home.

So, yeah, I am going to spend the holidays without my baby but there are much worse things in life. Am I sad about it? Absolutely. Will I be removing the baby seat from my car and putting it and all reminders of a baby in her room and shutting the door. Sure will. But I am not going to complain anymore. Instead, I am going to celebrate my single status, my freedom and make the best of this holiday season as I possibly can. I am going to decorate my home as if there was a child here to enjoy it. I am going to host dinner parties and cocktail parties. I am going to make gingerbread and Christmas cut out cookies. And I am going to thank God for what I do have and try to remain focused and faithful that this is all in His plan.

I Guess That'll Teach Me

I complained. I hyperventilated. I was anxious and stressed out. I said I didn't have enough time.

So I emailed my agency and asked them if I got a referral soon would I still be able to travel around Xmas. Their reply?

Even if I got a referral today, I should be prepared to not travel before March. March? March!

I needed more time but I wanted to go back and use the time I wasted, not get an extra three months.

I am officially angry. All along I had planned on traveling in October. Hold my paperwork even though there are waiting babies, I told them, because I don't yet qualify for FMLA. So they did. They tried to time it so I could travel the first week of October when I had worked the required 1250 hours. But that was a cruel joke. No, dear, you won't be traveling in October. Or November. Or December. Or January. Or February. Plan on March, they said.

I am angry. I want to cry because I feel like I am wasting my life. Or at least the past two years. I am working in a job I don't love-- stuck in this city, in a holding pattern-- waiting for this little girl. I know it will be worth it in the end, I know that (though I doubt I will forget how trying it has all been like you read from so many adoptive parents who have been put through he!!) but damn if it doesn't suck to not have the money to travel and shop and have fun while I am waiting. And no husband or boyfriend to lean on. Just me, here all alone, with no one to share in my frustration. And if another co-worker or family member asks me "Have you heard anything yet?" I think I am going to screeeeeeeaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmm! NO, I HAVEN'T HEARD ANYTHING YET AND IF YOU KEEP ASKING ME EVERY WEEK UNTIL MARCH SOMEONE IS GOING TO GET CUT.

But seriously, had I known it was going to take this freakin' long I would have taken my overseas job, made a ton of money and traveled all over Asia while I waited. Instead, I am in a low paying job, bored, lonely and with no extra money to do anything but sit here and wait.

I can't help but to complain... and to take a break from this stupid blog and this frustrating and unpredictable adoption process.

I know I am blessed but right now I think all I can manage to do is go cry myself to sleep.

Running Out of Time

I feel like I am running out of time. Knowing that I am about to get a referral, somehow it just became clear that I have a million things to do and there is not nearly enough time. I'm not sure how this happened exactly.. it's not as if I haven't been in this process for, oh, MORE THAN TWO YEARS but somehow it has.

I am still hoping to travel around Christmas time or early January and can I tell you all the things that need to get done in the next 2 months? Yikes! Just writing that and realizing that 2 months is only 8 short weeks made my stomach do flips! How on earth did I let this happen? Do you want to know all the things that I need/want to do? Here is a very small, pared down partial list:

1. find a pediatrician
2. create the nursery (paint, buy furniture, etc.)
3. read up on attachment parenting
4. take CPR
5. learn basic Amharic phrases in case she's a toddler
6. learn basic sign language to communicate while she learns English
7. sign her up for health insurance
8. pick a name!
9. reorganize things around the house to accommodate her/keep her safe
10. decide how much time I can afford to take off since FMLA is unpaid! :-<
11. find daycare
12. rewrite fundraising letter and send out the second batch
13. research the free adoption photographer and set a tentative date
14. cook and freeze several meals
15. get car serviced
16. go to the doctor (primary care, ENT, obgyn, ortho. surgeon, dermatologist and dentist)
17. declutter
18. get shots
19. babyproof
20. get furnace fixed
21. fill out all needed paperwork for health insurance, FMLA, etc.
22. get cell phone fixed
23. get cable fixed and hooked up in other rooms
24. decide on a travel partner or prepare to travel alone
25. find a man (ok, this is a joke..well, not really! I won't be able to date anymore!)


I can't write anymore. I'm starting to hyperventilate. There is not enough time!!!!
Why oh WHY did I wait til the last minute!!???!! What is my problem!

Ahhh....

My living room went from this:


To this:

It's so nice to have my living room back. Please tell me there will be more days where it looks like this even with a child in the house!

Now on to plan a little thank you cocktail party for all those who helped me.
(Plus I need motivation to get the whole house spotlessly cleaned!)

Yard Sale #3

I had my third and final (?) yard sale today. I got a TON of donations and the forecast was for 70 degrees and sunny so I was pretty confident it would be a success. I had planned on doing it alone like last time but somewhere along the way I realized that was not going to be possible. For example, who would watch the things out to the front yard as I went back and forth into the house to set up? And what if I had to take a bathroom break? What then?

At the eleventh hour I sent out a desperate email begging and pleading for assistance and so many people came through for me. It was all seeming to come together. Sun, lots of help and lots of donations. I was ready.

I woke up bright and early this morning to go out and hang signs. I checked the weather one more time before heading out the door. 70 degrees and sunny. Great! I grabbed the signs and a stapler and headed out the door. This is what I saw:

Yup, that is a wet windshield. It rained late last night and it was still quite damp and wet. I was terribly disheartened but trying to remain positive I went out and hung signs anyway.

It never really cleared up. It was chilly and overcast all day-- certainly not the type of weather to bring out hoards of shoppers-- but I still made a fairly decent chunk of change. And more importantly I had FUN! I have such nice neighbors (I met several new ones) and it felt so good to be surrounded by so many people who truly care about my well being.

Deidra and Abraham both arrived at my house before 8am! Abraham brought bagels and coffee!

My sister came all the way from Pittsburgh!

My little neighbor stopped by.

I got smacked in the face by toys.

Some friends were more helpful than others. lol

I kept several things that didn't sell for my own daughter and took the rest to Goodwill.
It was a really great day.

Wow...

I asked friends, family and colleagues if they could donate things for my yardsale this weekend. Would you look at my living room!? I am so overwhelmed. I can not believe the amount of items I was given and to think several others said they would bring things tomorrow. I really think this is going to be a success! Pray for a sunny day!

Thrift Store Thursday

Adorable!
$2.11.
Brand new, with tags!

And sorry for my outburst the other day. I was PMSing. I have it under control now. No more whining. It's only been a little over 4 months.

Must Work on My Patience

Cause, seriously, all I want to know is
WHAT IN THE WORLD IS TAKING SO LONG FOR MY REFERRAL?????????????????????????????????????????

Busy, Busy!!

There is simply not enough time in the day. This weekend I felt like I worked on stuff non-stop and, as usual, I have barely scratched the surface. I had Friday off for our State teacher's association meeting so I was up by 6:00 and at Home Depot by 8am. My dishwasher died sometime last year and I have been managing without one. Since it's been just me and I don't entertain much and I am fine with seeing dishes sit for a day or two. OK, I am not fine with that but sometimes it happens cause I am too tired to do them and since it's just me and I rarely cook it's manageable. I know better than to think I can keep up this routine with two people in the house, though. I can't imagine being surrounded by my stuff plus bottles and/or sippy cups and all the other additional accumulated dishes for a couple of days. So, I trudged down to HD and bought a new dishwasher. The cheapest model. I hope it lasts a few years until I can afford a nicer one. I also bought a new toilet seat. Mine broke off the hinges and slipping off the toilet at the crack of dawn isn't fun, let me tell you. I know.. tmi. So, dishwasher and toilet seat. Necessities, yes, but damn I hate spending money on crap like that!

I left HD and headed to Target where I got a new shower curtain and one towel. I know, who buys one towel at a time? Me. Basically I'm too cheap/poor/frugal/practical to buy more when I have several perfectly good towels already. And I just spent a few hundred on a dishwasher :( But I wanted at least one that matched my new shower curtain so I bought one. I also picked up some cleaning supplies for my marathon cleaning session I had on tap for later in the day. After Target I went to pick up some children's clothing hangers someone was giving me for free (love Freecycle!) and peeked in Goodwill to see if there was anything interesting. Found two cute 2T dresses for $1 each!

Around 12 o'clock the heating company that I had hired came over to replace my thermostat which wasn't sending the signal to the boiler. I just bought it last year (the thermostat that is) but it's been temperamental. No heat in 40 degree weather is tolerable for me with a space heater and a down comforter but I knew I had to get it fixed before I come back from Ethiopia with a little one. Had to do it, but dang it if I hated writing that check, too! Unfortunately, I also learned that my hot water heater is the cause of the leak in my basement. Grrr... I saw there was leak a couple of months ago cause the carpet had mold on it, but I wasn't able to locate the source. Great. A new hot water heater will run me in the upper hundreds. Not to mention replacing the carpet. I wish someone had told me home ownership was one bill after another. I don't know if I would have bought a house. It's a freakin' money pit.

Later on in the afternoon I went to visit a daycare center recommended by a friend. It's not far from my house, the kids looked happy and well-cared for and it's *only* $250/week. I put my name on the waiting list. Right now the next projected infant opening isn't until May but as of now, it's my only option. I am having a really, really hard time trying to find affordable daycare or one with a space for an infant. Of course, it would be really helpful if I knew the age of my child. I tell them "probably an infant but she could be up to about 18 months." Seriously vague. It makes it hard to find a place when you can't even tell them if you will need an infant space or a toddler space. If I had options I could tell one place infant and another place toddler, but so far this is the only place I have found. The owner was pretty understanding about the situation though. For one, their infant room is for children from birth to 14 months and I think she will fall in that range. But she understood as her twin neices were adopted from Ethiopia. They are in kindergarten now but she was so excited to share her family's story. I will probably put my child there if a space opens up.

After the daycare visit, I went to the grocery store and came back home and cleaning, cooked and did laundry. A few hours later I plopped down for a movie and was asleep my 9:30.

Saturday was the marathon cleaning session. I cleaned for 5 or 6 hours straight! Excuse the poor camera phone quality, but seriously, check out my fridge:


It's sparkling clean. Makes me so happy! Can I just tell you, though, that it's completely exhausting doing everything by yourself. I tell myself that all this work and all the details in life need to be shared. One person shouldn't be expected to do it all alone. If I were married, my husband could take care of some things. If I were rich the housekeeper/personal assistant/chef/butler could take care of some things. The only other way to make my life easier is to move where life is less expensive (where I could afford to hire help on my small salary). I'm not sure what my life holds for next year (marriage, coming into some serious cash or moving) but I do know that something's gotta give. I think I'm tired now! I can only imagine how much more tired I will be as a new mom.

The heating man had to come back to finish up his work on Saturday and was here for a couple of hours. While he fixed my thermostat I cooked more food, cleaned, took out the trash, returned phone calls and did more laundry. Then I watched another movie and crashed.

Today, Sunday, I had five tasks on tap: go to church, register for a test required to teach English as a second language (trying to create options for next year), fold clothes, address fundraising letters and do some schoolwork. I haven't done any of them. I better get crackin' cause I am not going to bed without at least crossing one of those off the list. I'm going to start with addressing the fundraising letters. I can not believe I haven't sent them out yet! In it I ask for donations for my yardsale on October 31st and donations for the gift bags. Just with posting the letter on this blog and on Facebook I have gotten some donations already! I am so appreciative!! Thank you A1S for the granola bars! Anyone else who would like to donate for the gift bags still can. See sidebar for the address.

Now, off to address envelopes. And then maybe (if it's not too late) tackle this:


Man, I am so screwed when I have to take care of someone else. LOL

I Got an Email From My Agency

...and all it was was my social worker giving me her change of address. Boo.

Forever Connected

One of the best parts about this adoption for me is I will be forever tied to Africa. Raising an Ethiopian child will be a realization of a dream that was conceived of when I was very young but a dream which has grown exponentially as I learned more about the continent and spent time traveling and living there.

I first went to Africa in 1981. My father had been awarded a Fulbright Scholarship and he chose to take our family to Nigeria where he could study and teach. I spent my junior year of high school in a boarding school, an international school run by missionaries. It was an incredible learning experience, not only because it was a welcome change from the uniforms and cliques of my private girls' school in Pennsylvania, but because it was there where I got my first taste of other cultures, other languages, other customs, traditions, values. The lessons I learned from my friends, my host families and living in Africa taught me far more than the lessons taught in my school. It was my first introduction to Africa and the beginning of my life-long love affair of its people, its rich culture and its beauty.

It was twenty-five years before I made it back. I went back in 2007, this time to Senegal. Touching down in Dakar was so exciting. I had planned the trip via email and when I arrived I wasn't sure if my friend would even be there to meet me. When my passport got confiscated by a gun-toting official (I didn't have an address for where I was staying) and I spent 45 minutes wandering around the airport looking for a friend I hadn't seen in eight years, my excitement turned to a mixture of fear and self-preservation. What would I do if she never showed up? I had decided I would spend the night in the airport and in the morning, in the daylight, I would befriend some English-speaking backpackers and hang with them for the next ten days (and, I suppose, at some point seek the help of the American Embassy). Those 45 minutes were filled with great anxiety and fear but I was also energized at the prospect of venturing around Senegal by myself and finding my own way. I have always had an adventurous side; I am a true free spirit. To me, it was an opportunity to do something exciting and different and I prepared myself for the challenge. That wasn't necessary as we did eventually find each other and I got my passport back. Even though my luggage never made it, my ten days in Dakar were still thrilling and energizing. Dakar brought back so many memories! The music, the Muslim call to prayer, the goats in the streets, the dark skin of its people, the sights, the sounds... my memories and love of Africa all came flooding back. I loved Dakar.

Last year I visited East Africa for the first time. Shortly after arriving in Ethiopia I experienced another airport scare, another 45 minutes or so of not being able to find my hosts. This trip was the same in that I had also scheduled it via the internet (after reading about the volunteer opportunity in an adoption brochure) but different in that this time I knew no one in the country. My mother was extremely worried about me traveling solo and staying with strangers, but I was confident that it was all on the up and up and that I'd be fine. I was right. Volunteering at Layla House through Adoption Advocates International was an incredible, life-changing, highly recommended experience. I remember distinctly walking up to the front door of the orphanage barely able to contain my excitement. I had just finished reading There Is No Me Without You and I was so beside myself with the anticipation of having the opportunity to actually volunteer in a place like I had just read about. I hope I get that same feeling of anticipation when I arrive at the door of the orphanage when I am there to meet my daughter.

Ethiopia has some similarities to Nigeria and Senegal but the poverty seems far greater and the first things you notice when you leave the airport are the bumpy, unpaved roads and the thick diesel smell in the air. Ethiopia took longer to love, but by the end of my month of volunteering I was hooked. Knowing my child will be from this amazing country is so incredible!

This weekend I watched I Bring What I Love, a documentary about the life and music of Youssou N'Dour, a Senegalese musician. It was an incredible film of a man's love for his faith, his country and his music. While watching the film I was brought to tears with not only seeing someone live their life authentically and with passion but also as I was reminded once again of my deep love for the continent, the music, the people.

As N'Dour put it, 'Africa's various languages, tribes, cultures and traditions shouldn't be considered barriers but contributions to the richness of the continent'. I couldn't agree more. Each place I have visited has it's own richness and beauty and I am so grateful for the opportunity to add to the richness of the fabric of my family by becoming the mother of an African child. Oh Africa, how I love you and how humbled I am to have the opportunity to raise one of your own.