C'mon 2010!

I had high expectations for 2009. 2008 had been challenging (you can read about it here and here and here) but I was sure 2009 was going to be my year --I was sure I would finally get to meet my daughter!!

There was movement in my adoption process this year-- my 171-H arrived, I got waitlisted and I eventually got the referral of a beautiful little girl-- but meeting her will have to wait until 2010. Other than the adoption, I didn't have a particularly eventful year. Sure there were some high moments. It started out great with the inauguration of our new president. Gosh, we were all so full of hope, weren't we? I took two very short weekend trips-- one to Nags Head and one to LA. I also made some new friends, reconnected with ones from my past, joined a choir, spent time with family, got rid of a lot of clutter, learned about and embraced thrifting and pursued my creative endeavors. Heck, I was even celibate... if you can call that a highlight! All of those things brought happiness or satisfaction on some level. 2009 also had it's low points, though, including all the toads I dated, nagging injuries that led me to becoming fatter and flabbier than ever, and of course not being able to bring my daughter home. To say that I am ready for 2010 is quite the understatement!

Is anyone making resolutions this year? I'm not fond of the failure that often comes along with them, but I love how they make me feel like anything is possible. I was reading about resolutions on Christine Kane's blog. Man, I love her blog. She is so full of wisdom! She talks about how one should choose just one word and use that word to guide you-- to set intention for the year. She bases it on the DO-HAVE-BE model. Basically, instead of focusing on the the 'DO' (i.e. lose weight) to 'HAVE' self-esteem to 'BE' confident she says to focus on the 'BE' instead of the 'DO'. So if confidence is really what you want, than strive for that. She states it much more articulately. You can read her words here. I am going to try that this year --choose one word to 'BE' this year. Her list of words is very long and there are many, many things I want in my life including:

Presence
Grace
Health
Civility
Discipline
Abundance
Simplicity
Gratitude
Trust
Patience

Each would be incredibly beneficial but I was able to narrow it down fairly quickly; however, I find it quite a challenge to narrow it down to only one. This last step, the choosing of one word to be my beacon for an entire year is taking some serious reflection and self-analysis. I have spent the last several days meditating and journaling about what was missing from 2009 and on what I want my focus to be for 2010.

Whatever word I choose, I am looking forward to seeing how it guides, enriches and transforms my goals. Happy New Year Everyone! I hope 2010 brings you lots of growth, knowledge and joy!

But is it Love?

Ok, I gotta be honest here. I never understood when adoptive parents say they fell in love with a referral photo. I understand how they (we) can be overjoyed, conflicted, thrilled, saddened, excited, overwhelmed, anxious, curious, reflective, peaceful, worried, and a whole host of other feelings when they open the referral photo for the first time, but love? I'm not so sure.

When I opened my referral photos I was overcome with emotion. She is a beautiful baby and looking at her photos brought up a mixture of feelings. Tears sprung to my eyes because I was overjoyed at the thought of finally becoming a mother and because I was profoundly saddened by the thought that this sweet little thing had a family who was unable to care for her, but not because I was in love.

Over the past few weeks my feelings for this little girl have grown considerably. Though I am consciously trying to not become attached (5% of referrals fall through and even if I do get the opportunity to adopt this child who knows how many more weeks or months I will have to wait) I do find myself longing to hold, protect, teach and nurture her. I worry about her development, her health, her happiness. I email my agency begging for updates and scour the agency yahoo group photo albums for more pictures of her.

I have been fortunate. I have gotten some updates from both my agency and traveling adoptive parents, and I have received updated photos and even video clips of her. She looks healthy and well cared for which calms me and makes me happy. I want the best for her, of course, but at the same time I want the best for all the children in the care center. This child has been chosen for me and I am honored to have the opportunity to raise her and I will love her unconditionally but I could have just as easily been matched with another child and I would have loved that child as well. Without attachment and devotion and interaction can one really feel love? I know that I stare at her photos and see that she wrinkles up her brow like I do and has an adorable button nose like my sister. I find similarities in her personality as well when I read the comments on her temperament. I already feel like she is a part of my family and I am dying to meet her but is it love? I know I love the idea of being connected to a culturally rich country with warm, humble people. I love the idea of becoming a mother and getting the opportunity to nurture a child. I love the idea of my house being filled with laughter. I love the idea of my parents seeing me as a mother. I love the opportunity to create memories and traditions. I love her bright eyes and curly hair. And I love that, God willing, she will one day become my daughter.

But do I love her now? Right at this moment, before we've even met? It's hard to say.

Xmas 2009

Well, that was different. Different than I imagined, for sure, but also different than I have ever experienced. Since my mom was still recuperating from surgery and I couldn't be in Pittsburgh for both Xmas and her birthday she chose I go for her birthday which is on the 28th. That meant it was my first Xmas ever that I celebrated without my parents and my sisters. That was different for sure, but for me it was just perfect because it was low key and simple and took my mind off of my baby girl. On Christmas Eve I bought this perfect meal which made me feel close to my little pumpkin and ate it while listening to some lovely Christmas music.


On Christmas morning my darling cousin stopped by my house as soon as his plane landed. What a perfect start to the day! I served up some homemade quiche and brewed some Ethiopian coffee that I had purchased directly from a merchant when volunteering in Addis.



Then later on in the day I drove up to Baltimore and had dinner with my aunt and most of my cousins who I usually don't see on Xmas. I had my camera but was so caught up in conversation and laughter that I forgot to pull it out! It was a lovely evening and I felt surrounded by the kind of warmth and love that only family can bring.

It was special. But next year... next year-- baby, you will be here and I can't wait!!

Crafting and Cookies Make Everything All Better

I had a lovely day today! I woke up early and looked at craft blogs. I got some creative ways to decorate my house for the holidays... which will last through January over here since I am getting such a late start.


Then I got to the thrift store just when it opened and picked up some great Xmas gifts! I am so excited to give them because they are really, really nice and oh, so economical!

Then I got a wonderful massage.

Now I am about to bake cookies (...yeah, i ate all the ones I baked earlier in the week! lol) and get ready to do some cool crafts. Look at these awesome snowflakes I found on Crafty nest!



They are made out of Popsicle sticks! So easy and so simple yet elegant. Love them! I also love this idea which I saw on Little Big Nest:



How cute is that?! I think I have a stick in my backyard I can use and I bought some mini ornaments today at the thrift store for $.90!

Ok, gotta run! Cookies and crafting are calling my name! I'll post photos of the results!

It's a Murky Ocean Day

Oh, adoption. I have a serious love/hate relationship with you. How is it that one moment you make me want to shriek with joy from snow-capped mountaintops and the next you make me want to escape into the murky depths of the ocean floor? Today is a murky-ocean-day and for some reason as I type this post I have these John Lennon lyrics running through my head..

"So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong..."

To begin with it's the holidays. A time of great joy for many reasons and a time of year that I love (especially with 3 extra days of vacation thanks to the blizzard of '09! Woot!) but it's also the time of year that plunges me into the doldrums... you know the whole single and childless thing. Not to sound like a broken record, but it can really suck around Christmas. Last year I posted about it. This holiday season is no different. It's just unbelievable to me that I am still without my daughter! And then today I received a note from my agency with another explanation about why my court date is being held up again. And this explanation leaves everything open-ended with no definitive end in sight. I went from hoping she'd be here for Christmas-- to hoping to pass court by Christmas-- to hoping for a court date by Christmas-- to now just hoping for a court date at all and being able to complete this adoption. I'm about *this* close to ditching my family and all the Christmas traditions and booking a flight somewhere warm where I can sit alone on a beach and sip mai tais.

Oh yeah, I have no money. Well, then, excuse me while I go eat a dozen cookies and book a massage.

No Plastic Toys!

You know what is one of my pet peeves? Seeing brightly colored plastic toys strewn all over people's living rooms. Primary colored, hard-a**, easily breakable, unoriginal toys in every room in a house. I really hate that. The thought of my peaceful home-- which is just coming together and becoming the decluttered, feng shui space I have been dreaming of my whole life --suddenly being littered with the latest D!sney paraphernalia and battery operated toys that play the same song over and over again and other assorted plastic junk was not making me happy. 'Just wait until you have a child,' I've been told, 'You won't have a choice.'

Well, I beg to differ. To be fair, I thought they were right even though I hated to admit that. And before I realized a way out of this, I admit a lot of time was spent trying to think of a way to house them so I wouldn't have to see these eyesores on a daily basis. I researched wooden toy boxes, bins, hanging nets and baskets. I also spent hours trying to figure out which room would be best for a playroom where I could just shut the door and pretend they didn't exist.

But then it hit me! Just don't buy any! What a wonderful solution! I mean, seriously, I don't have to have toys in my house that are going to drive me crazy when there are so many that won't. I wouldn't mind a dollhouse and stuffed animals and musical instruments and wooden puzzles in my living room. That sounds charming actually. Kind of like the olden days. Downright quaint. I love it! And these types of toys, along with art supplies, sensory play activities, cooking, playing outside and reading lots and lots of books will help develop her creativity and imagination.

I suppose as she gets a little older and gets influenced by her friends and advertising she may ask for a specific toy she has seen on TV and that will be ok. I remember begging my parents for Barb!e dolls but my mom didn't think she was a good role model with her overly sexy body and clothes so Barb!e never appeared in my house. I got Raggedy Anne. Now don't get me wrong, I loved Raggedy Anne (renamed her Caroline) and I carried her everywhere but I do remember being disappointed at never receiving a Barb!e. I also remember playing at a friend's house when I was in the 5th or 6th grade and discovering she had about 20 Barb!ies (and the townhouse and sports car!) shoved in the corner of her bedroom. She clearly hadn't played with them in a while but I dying to play with them so we did and I was as happy as a clam.

I think my mom was on to something and I understand what she was trying to do... and she probably didn't want to see all the junk either! But I also know that gifts are to bring joy so I think the solution is you can ask for one thing you want. I can deal with one ugly plastic toy or one overly marketed D!isney toy in my house if that's what she really wants and I can supplement it with a bunch of other good quality, imaginative toys that will last years and years.

The other day I was at the thrift store and came across this!


$15. Looks brand new... even has the $85 price tag still attached. Not only would I not mind this in my living room but man, how cute would this look under the Xmas tree? She won't be home for Christmas this year (and I don't have a tree) so maybe I should save it for next year. What do you guys think about toys and marketing and excess? Am I being too controlling?

bits and pieces

I love reading all the comments I have been getting lately. I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been supportive in the process and who touched by my reunion with R. and to those who celebrated my referral with me. I truly love the blogging world! You guys are great!

It's a crazy time of year with the holidays and Kindergarten assessments and parties and traveling and dating and trying to prepare for my little one's arrival! I am sad that she won't be here for Christmas-- that part is definitely tough, but I still have so much to do to prepare so I guess it's ok that I have to wait a couple more months. I still don't have a court date but I was told to expect one next week. That would be a great Xmas present! (Not as good as actually passing court, of course, but for now I'll take it. My God, it's been almost six weeks! Give me a court date already!)

Meanwhile, I have been trying to figure out what to do for Christmas. Driving to PA in December can be treacherous and they are calling for snow. On the other hand, my cousin is flying in from LA and I would love to see him and my other cousins who will be in this area so I may just stay here and wait til the 28th and go up for my mom's birthday. But to add to my indecision my mom fell on Thursday and broke her shoulder. They were unable to set it so she had to undergo surgery on Friday. That is never good--especially when you are in your 80's. So now I wonder if I should go to help out or if it makes more sense to wait until she is a bit more mobile. I just know I can't spend the entire time up there because this is 12 days that I could work on the nursery, organize my basement, pick a name (!) etc. In fact, this may be my last vacation before I travel to get anything done so I really need to utilize it.

Today we got a couple of feet of snow (why not Sunday night, why?! I could have used a few extra days of vacation...) and I spent the whole day in my pj's. It was great! I still have this lingering cold, though, so Netflix and rest was on order for today. I have a heated mattress pad and let me tell you that is one of the best inventions ever!! I can turn my heat down much lower and still be toasty warm. The falling snow was so beautiful and there was a ton of it. I should have gone out and attempted to shovel it but instead I spent most of my day in bed! Ahhh... enjoying it while I can, right?!

i did venture out once in my pj's to get this shot!

wow, that's a lot of snow!


So, a lot going on around here but I didn't want to neglect all you wonderful people out there and not say thank you!

Her Eyes

Have you ever experienced something so unbelievable that you had to pinch yourself to believe it was real? For some reason, I have been having a lot of those moments lately. The day before Thanksgiving I had one of those moments. I experienced something so fulfilling and so heartwarming, yet at the same time so surreal. And it was incredible.

When I was volunteering in Ethiopia I connected with many of the children, but there was one little girl in particular with whom I bonded very strongly. She was a toddler, a few months shy of two, and bonding with her was something you wouldn't expect. To begin with, as you can imagine, there was a language barrier. She spoke Amharic, I English, so we were not able to exchange words. In addition, there were few toys in the orphanage so we weren't able to play together. Instead, I would dress her, do her hair or sit with her while she ate her food. I would smile at her and give her kisses and hugs. Sometimes we would just sit together on the stoop and look out into the courtyard. Most of the time she would sit on my lap and we would play hand games and communicate with each other with our eyes and our smiles. I spent many, many hours looking into the eyes of this little girl.

After a couple of weeks we had truly bonded. When I would go onto the Wanna House compound (where the babies and toddlers lived) she would come running over to me with a huge smile and I would sweep her up into my arms and cover her with kisses. Man, I loved that little girl. If she hadn't already been matched with a family I would have brought her home. I knew she had bonded with me, too, when she would start to cry when I had to leave for the day. Here are a couple of photos of us hanging out together in the orphanage.

The last day I was in Ethiopia I went to spend some one on one time with R. She was sleepy as it was her naptime but the caregivers knew I was leaving and they didn't say anything. She sat with me as I tried not to cry.

I knew I was going to miss her so much and not knowing where she was going or how was she was going to be with her new family was very, very difficult. I don't know if she understood what was happening or she was just tired, but her reaction that last day made it much more difficult. I gave her one last kiss and put her down in her crib and walked away. I never thought I'd see her again.

When I got back to the States, I thought about R. a lot. I often wondered how she was doing and if she was happy with her new family. Sometimes I literally ached thinking about it, I missed her so much. After a few months I posted about her on my blog and to my amazement I got this comment:

"Oh my gosh- I just stumbled across your blog and you are holding my daughter at Wanna!!!! She's a real cutie, isn't she :) We brought home R. and her brother M. in September. I would love to know if you have any more pictures of the kids, so please email me if you're willing to share. Thank you!"

It was R's mother! At first I was worried that she would be mad that I had posted a photo of her daughter but also so excited!! I could find out where she was living and how she was doing. Well, she wasn't mad and we sent a few emails back and forth, I sent her the photos I had of R. and best part of all I found out she had a blog! It was so wonderful to know that I could now see her daughter growing up by a click of the mouse. I thought it couldn't get any better than that.

Well, let me tell you, it got better than that! A few weeks ago I got an email from R's mother saying the whole family was going to be in DC for Thanksgiving and did I want to join them for dinner! Did I?! I couldn't believe my good fortune. I was so overwhelmed that they would contact me and extend the invitation and I was so excited! We met at an Ethiopian restaurant for dinner and I found myself staring into the eyes of that same little girl. The same little girl who I now know is happy and healthy and thriving and loved. It was such a joy. I felt like my heart would burst. Little R, now 3, is just as delightful and sweet as I remembered her and I honestly feel that once she looked into my eyes that she remembered me, too. It was such a special evening.

one of the most joyful moments I have had in a long, long time

planting a kiss on her cheek once again!