Comic Relief

I have been stressing and worrying a lot about the lack of maternity leave. I still can't get over the fact that biological moms get paid leave but adoptive parents don't get anything. So my mom calls and we were talking about the projected timeline of my trip to Ethiopia and I was asking her how long she might be able to stay when my daughter first arrives. She said she would definitely come and stay awhile and went on to say how excited she was going to be to finally see her new grandbaby. At that time I reminded her that to increase bonding and attachment it is recommended that only the adoptive parent holds, feeds, bathes and soothes the new baby. I went on to explain, "They suggest that friends and family simply focus on helping out by doing cooking or cleaning or shopping and leave the care of the child to the parent." My 81 year old mother, with perfect comedic timing, responded, "Well, then, I'll be down on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor looking up at the baby from afar!"

I laughed and laughed and laughed.
Thanks, Mom! I needed that!

2 Years Today

Two years ago today I started this blog!
I really can't believe it.

Two years is a long time ago. I never would have imagined that I would still be without a child and certainly never imagined that I would be so caught up in the world of blogging. Two years ago I made the decision to go ahead with the adoption process. I went back and read my first post. Click here if you want to see how it all began. It's been a long road and if you have been reading my blog for awhile you know that there have been many starts and stops along the way. It's been really tough at times but being able to get out my thoughts and frustrations in this format, on my beloved blog, has been a great outlet for me.

Really. Blogging has been an amazing experience. I feel like I have connected with women all over the country, none of whom I have met at this point, but I think we would be fast friends if we ever get the chance to meet. Why? Because we are going through so many of the same things.. from the arduous paperchase to reading all the articles and books (bonding and attachment, grief and loss, parenting tips, etc.) to the anticipation and fears of becoming parents to an adopted child. We acknowledge each other's mini successes and celebrate the milestones. We send supportive comments, give advice, listen to each other vent and do so because not only do we have a deep appreciation and understanding of the range of emotions, but because we truly care. It's a great community, and my fellow bloggers without you I would have felt so much more alone in this process.

I was hoping to be able to post that I had reached 30,000 hits in 2 years (15,000 a year - like a car.. ha!) but I just fell short of that goal. No child, no referral, a finished dossier that has yet to be mailed off and just short of 30,000 hits (unless you keep on revisiting my page today--hint, hint--LOL), but I'm still happy-happy-happy to have discovered this world, to be going through the process with all of you and know that my little girl will be coming home very soon.

So here's to you and two years in the blogosphere and to bringing my daughter home this year! Cheers!

WoP update

Week of Purge isn't going so well.. or at least I should say it has gotten a mighty slow start. I started out by doing my first post on Freecycle. I gave away ten T-shirts! It was so liberating! I still have to makes piles of sell/donate/Freecycle/throw away but it was a start. There is more room on that shelf in my closet! I can't wait until I get into full swing.

I love Freecycle! I love that things are given to people who truly want what you are donating. I love that junk is staying out of landfills. I love that one person's trash is someone else's treasure. I love that people will come right to your house to pick the items up! And if I could ever get it to work for me, I am sure I will love when I get some cool stuff for free! There are some really expensive, good quality things that are given away for free..it's unbelievable! I have seen televisions, kitchen appliances, furniture, clothes.. all.for.free. Trick is, you have to see it as soon as it posts or someone has surely beaten you to it.. and I have yet to be fast enough. Tami did see a TiVo on there and got it for me. How awesome is that?! I have tried to get the following advertised items: a brand new dishwasher, a pull out sofa, a bag of infant girl clothes and a CD player but no such luck. This summer when I have more time I will be checking the site much more frequently and hopefully will have better luck.

Well at least I can say that ten T-shirts are no longer in my closet. That's great. And I defrosted the vegan chili from my freezer and ate that last night for dinner. But other than that, I haven't done much. And I bought dinner tonight which I said I wasn't going to do. Oh well. Baby steps towards purging and tomorrow is another day.

Meanwhile, I hope to mail off the stinkin' dossier this week. It's still sitting here ready to go but I can't mail it off yet because I noticed that one of my references dated her letter 2008 so I am waiting for her to resend the letter with the correct date. When that arrives, I can mail the darn thing off. I am so ready!!!

OK, the night is young. Let me see what I can get done...

Week of Purge

Week of Purge? What the heck is that?!

I made it up.

I am sick of being surrounded by clutter and junk I don't need! Clothes that don't fit, soaps and lotions I don't use, rough sheets I bought a decade ago, jewelry I don't wear, books I don't read, expired medications, old bills, dried out pens and broken pencils, notepads, address labels, seasonal decorations... it goes on and on. My space is being taken up with junk. Now don't get me wrong, lots of the stuff is nice --which is why I hold on to it, but why? Because it might come back in style? Or because I paid good money for it? Or because I think I can sell it and make some money or give it as a gift. But the problem is, I haven't. The stuff just sits. And frankly it's getting on my nerves.

Hence: Week of Purge.

This week I will be donating, giving away, or throwing out stuff that I haven't used this year. And if it's something that I like and really must have then I will put it in its proper place so I'll know where it is and it will in fact get some use. No sense in keeping great stuff hidden in the back of a closet.

I may make some money, I may not. But my life will be richer. Richer in space. Richer in peace. Zen-rich. I will feel so much better and others will be benefiting at the same time.

In addition, I am going to rid my cabinets of excess food. I hate when I buy produce that goes bad before I eat it or things that expire sitting on the shelf. How does this happen when I live alone and only shop for one? Well, I don't shop for one and I have a weird relationship with food.

For example:

• I must eat something sweet after something salty and something salty after something sweet... Sometimes I overdue the sweet-salty-sweet-salty thing until I'm totally stuffed! So there is often something sweet and something salty on hand for this indulgence.
  

Here's another one:

• I want to eat what I want to eat when I want to eat it.
  

Yes, totally spoiled. I don't know how I got like this. It certainly wasn't how I was raised. My parents served baked chicken, rice and salad three nights a week when I was growing up. My friends used to tease me about it but, hey, I can't blame them. It was tasty, healthy and economical. I have heard of parents cooking what their child(ren!) ask for each night like they are short order cooks in a restaurant. That was not happening in my house. I had no say. Maybe that's why I want what I want when I want it now?

Well, problem is it's not economical (in fact, it's down right self-indulgent) and it's not practical to continue with a child around --from the cost to the message it conveys. My cabinets are stuffed with food, my freezer is crammed; yet I want none of it. I want sushi or pizza or a Greek salad and if none of that is available in my house I'll go buy it and I'm happy. But my wallet is not. I need to break the habit. I want to become the mom who can create a whole meal by whipping together things that are already in the kitchen. I want to spend money on other things.

So, next week, except for perishable items, I will not buy anything new. No diet sodas out of the machine at work. No Starbucks on the way to work. No drinks after work with friends. I will not spend one dime on food or snacks of any type until June. I will save some money, I will eat up the food I have and I will appreciate the fact that I do have a lot of food right here and be grateful. (I got the idea from Christie's blog --though she did it for a whole month and she didn't spend on anything at all--no snacks, no groceries, no magazines, no trips to CVS or Target, no nothing!! I'm not quite at that level yet. Maybe over the summer?)

So, it's on! I am going to purge myself of excess junk and use up the massive amounts of food in my cabinets and on my counters. (Yes, there is so much food that it doesn't all fit and some things have to sit on the counter. What kind of sense does that make? I know, none.) I'm starting tomorrow morning and will go to the end of May. Purge my home of excess junk and no stopping for anything else edible.

I hope to learn how easy it is to use the foods that are already in the house and to gain a sense of calm and order as things are picked up, donated and sold. Hopefully it will translate into better habits and some savings.

I am looking forward to it! I'll post during the week of any successes I have. Feel free to join in on Purge Week or simply wish me luck! Cause from a self-proclaimed pack rat and food snob I am going to need it!

Another Weekend

...which meant more shopping! My sister was in town and first thing Saturday morning we hit a church rummage sale to look for clothes. Success! Look at these cute items!

Here are some of the items I bought:

and here the things my sister bought for her soon-to-arrive niece. Thanks, Susan! :-)

This is only a fraction of my purchases! Here's the full list:

- a jacket
- a sweater
- a fleece
- 2 jumpers
- 4 shirts
- 1 onesie (onesy?)
- 4 pairs of pants
- a pair of tights
- a tennis dress (in size 4.. it was too cute to pass up and she will be taking tennis lessons!)
- 10 books . . . and . . .
- an easel!

Can I tell you how much I love this $3 easel?! Yeah, OK, I know. She can't stand and paint here for years but I can take it to my classroom in the interim or I can use it!


So guess how much I paid for my purchases??

$20.

Now that's a 'bahgain'!

The Golden Ticket Has Arrived!

"Dear Prospective Adoptive Parent,

USCIS would like to congratulate you.. It has been determined that you are able to furnish proper care to an orphan or orphans as defined by Section 101 (b)..."

My I171-H arrived and I am done with my dossier! I can send it all off next week and wait for a referral!! Is it really this close? Is motherhood really just months away?! (breathe, breathe)

Funny thing, I knew this was the critical piece in the process, "the golden ticket", so in my mind I imagined it to be yellow! But nah, just a boring piece of white paper-- but the final, important part in an extremely long road. But it's all behind me now!

Baby, here I come!

Join Me at Race for the Cure!

I'd love to have other APs and PAPs join me!

Click here to read more...

seriously?

I went out to dinner the other night. As I was leaving the parking garage a man pulled up beside me in a brand spanking new, sparkling white Lamborghini. It looked so out of place in that neighborhood-- I mean I used to see them all the time when I lived in LA, but that gleaming car driving out of the grimy garage caught my attention.

I looked over at the man and said something about how rare it was to see such a Lamborghini in these parts and he took that to mean I was interested and started flirting. "Hi, I'm Paul Portugal," he said.
Me (trying not to roll my eyes.. I mean seriously. Paul Portugal? Did he step out of a Harlequin romance novel?) "Oh, hi. I was just commenting on the car, that's all."
PP: "Girl, I not trying to flirt with you, I was just being friendly." (yeah, right)
Me: "OK, then. Well, good night."
PP: "Well, wait, pull over and chat with me a bit."

I was about to say good-bye and drive off but was forced to pull forward when the car behind me was unable to exit the garage.. so I pulled over.
PP got out of the car and chatted me up about all his entrepreneurial exploits (yawn).

As we were chatting a cop pulled up behind his car, ran his tags and drove off.

PP: "Man, I hate that!"
Me (completely oblivious to what had just happened): "Hate what?"
PP: "That %*!# happens to me all the time when I am in this car. It's just because I'm dressed like this, all hip and cool.
Me (wondering how we had such different opinions about a late 40-something man in a white velour track suit and diamond-encrusted medallion around his neck): "Oh, yeah, I bet that'd be annoying."
PP: "It is. But it's just this car and outfit. When I am in a suit and my black convertible Bentley with the cranberry interior, that never happens."

Yes, he said that. I am not kidding. That is a quote.

Yuck.

Is it just me or do you find ostentatious men completely unappealing?
I mean, I'm not going to insist we ride the bus instead of in a date's $100,000 car, but come on.
The good that could be done in the world with a fraction of that money!
According to this study, I am in the minority.

Loads of Cuteness

Yesterday I went to meet the cast of the movie.
That was surreal.

I was reminded how I can't overeat like I did on my Friday night date. We went to Lauriol Plaza. It was packed! We had to wait about 45 minutes for a table so we drank sangria while we waited. After ordering we had to wait another 45 minutes for our food where I ate almost a whole basket of chips and salsa. I ordered this amazing salmon dish with shrimp in cream sauce. It also came with black beans, rice and a few decorative veggies. OMG, delicious. Well, let's just say I am over my points allowance for the week and I don't get weighed in until Tuesday! I am so nervous that I have gained weight! Not good. Especially when I have to be on camera on July 25th. Not to mention I am paying for Weight Watchers!!!
Not cute.

Anyhoo~after meeting the (very slim and very young) cast, I stopped to get some gas. Look what I saw at the gas station! So cute! I was glad I had my camera.

As I was heading home I passed a discount furniture store nearby so I went inside. I saw a great red couch! It was on sale. I got the measurements. I need a couch so I can have company. Right now all I have is a loveseat. The red couch does not a pull out but at least I can stretch out on it and give my parents my bed when they visit. I'm thinking about it..

On my way back to the car I noticed there was a thrift shop in that same strip mall. I decided to take a look inside. It was huge! And look what I found in there? Are these not the cutest????

Team Ethiopia?

So, I made it to a Weight Watchers meeting on Tuesday and signed up. So far, so good. It's good to be more conscious of what I am eating and I am definitely eating smaller portions and doing less snacking. I hope at my next weigh in I will see some movement on the scale.

I also signed up for 5K! I signed up for Race for the Cure. (The last time I did this race was with my ex-boyfriend. He said he would do it with me but he was in better shape and ran off without me. I found him somewhere after I crossed the finish line. But I digress...) This time I signed up to do it by myself but wonder if any APs and PAPs in the DC/MD/VA area want to do the race with me?!
We could form Team Ethiopia! What a fun way for us to meet. I am planning on walking it --just getting back into shape here--but this way we can chat and get to know each other. And then we can all go out to breakfast afterwards and undo all our hard work! heehee I don't know how many folks from the area read this blog, but if you don't and know someone who does, feel free to link them to this page so they can join in!

If you can't join me but want to donate a dollar or two to breast cancer research you can do so by clicking this link.

Thanks and I hope to see you on my team!

necklace

I bought this necklace a few weeks ago. I have always admired it so I splurged and ordered one for myself to keep around my neck until my daughter comes home. There is a heart cut out right where Ethiopia is, which I love, because my heart is in Ethiopia! I wasn't sure if I actually would wear it every day like I had planned, but I have-- and every time I touch it I am reminded of this wonderful gift that is right around the corner. It really helps to keep it real!

Here is the link to Tracy's Etsy shop, Junk Posse. She has other styles that are also really nice. I highly recommend her craftsmanship and her customer service is incredible. And she's a really nice lady. Tell her I sent ya!

Busy Saturday

I decided I need help with my weight loss so I am going to join Weight Watchers (again). I know what to do to lose weight (eat fewer calories than you burn, blah, blah, blah) but I am an emotional eater and almost anything is a reason to eat. I'm bored? Eat something! I'm stressed? Eat something! I'm depressed? Eat something! I'm celebrating? Eat something! I need to stay up late to get work done? Eat something! The thing I liked about Weight Watchers was I became more aware of portions, healthy choices and the weigh-ins made me accountable. With summer coming I am bound to eat healthier and lose weight anyway, but having the weekly weigh-ins will make me stay more focused.

So yesterday I woke up early to go to a meeting and what do I see when I arrived? This sign on the door!
See, I try to do the right thing and I met with obstacles! It doesn't help that I entered a contest on Michelle's blog and won this!
OK, I know I entered the contest but did WW have to be closed the same week the coupon arrived?? It's a conspiracy, I tell ya! (Notice the cute toy on my radiator that I got for $2)

Since I couldn't go to that WW meeting I decided to drive to the place where I used to go for meetings (a bit further from my house, but I was determined) only to find out it is now a Bank of America. Bummer. I did notice that there was a farmers market going on, though, so I parked my car and walked around.
I ended up buying some lettuce and apples. How cool is it to have a live bass player at a farmers market?

I had planned to go into work today but on the way I stopped by my gym to weigh in.
No, I didn't work out (can't lose a bunch of weight before the first weigh in! Ha!) It was a good reminder of how much weight I have to lose, though. Be sure to check out the weight loss sidebar to see my progress.

Then I went into work. Look at this lovely neighborhood my school is in.
I want to move to a neighborhood like this where my kid can ride her bike and I can walk to a nice tennis court. One day.. another thing to work towards.

I got to my classroom and did some things. If only my house (life) was as neat and organized.
Originally I had planned on xeroxing my dossier today when no one would be in line for the copy machine but I didn't get it together in time. Hopefully I will be able to do that this week. I am so ready to be done with paperwork!!

I stopped at the grocery store on the way home and bought some swordfish. After a 2 hour nap (I am so unapologetically taking naps whenever I want while I still can!) I made a lovely dinner of grilled swordfish and a salad with tomatoes, red pepper, avocado and grated asiago cheese and a pear for dessert. I love summer foods!

I finished the day with an evening date. It was a good day.

Audition

So guess what?! I am going to be in a movie! The brother of a friend of mine is a writer and he is shooting a movie of one of his scripts. He needed a 40-something woman to play a character and hadn't been able to cast the part--it's a low budget independent film, no pay, no SAG actors, no wardrobe department, no hair and make up, etc. --but I thought it sounded fun. I don't have any acting experience, well no paid acting experience that is. I did plays in high school and I have surely had my dramatic moments! I think I'm a natural and he liked the way I read for the part, so I'm in! There isn't going to be a wide release or anything, it's just be shown on local cable networks, though he planning on entering it into a couple of film festivals so you never know.

We start shooting next this summer. July to be exact. Which means I have about twelve weeks to get my body camera-ready. How's that for motivation? Yikes!

What is this doing in my living room?














I've been waiting for months for the weather to warm up so I could hit some yard sales. I haven't bought much for the baby yet - so far only a T-shirt and some baby legs both ordered on line about a year ago and a dress and some twine animals when I was in Ethiopia last year... but that's it. I have quite a bit to get and I'm thinking with a referral possible in the coming months I better get started! But I figure, why buy everything new? Why pay $20 for an outfit you can get it for a dollar? I am all about saving money, especially when there are so many other things where you have no choice but pay to full price -- day care, diapers, food, etc.

So, I went to a garage sale this weekend specifically to look for baby items. Baby items! Me! It was weird, really. I've been in the process for so long doing all the boring stuff (home study, fingerprinting, blah, blah, blah) that it was kind of strange-- but quite fun-- to get some clothes and toys!

The first thing I got was the Exersaucer above. It looks brand new and what a deal. They retail for around 60 bucks and I got it for $20! I also got some sleep sacks. This really cute one was $5.





















The woman selling it said it was by some European company and quite expensive brand new. When I got home I googled it. It's made by The Gro Company in the UK and they retail for £24! Yikes! She wasn't kidding! I also bought some really cute clothes. Not knowing what size she'll be when I pick her up, I am buying a range from 6-18 months. If they are big she can grow into them and at these prices, why not? Here are a few of the things I purchased, most $1 or less.
It's starting to look like there's actually going to be a baby around here! (click to enlarge)

Dad's 84th Birthday

Last weekend I went home for my Dad's birthday.














Love you, Dad!

When I got there late Saturday afternoon my mom had already set the table. She was using the tablecloth I got them from Ethiopia. Look how nice!

Article on Loss

I came across this article a couple of years ago and thought it was interesting. Now that I have taken the required classes and done additional reading on grief and loss it makes the importance of bonding with my new baby that much clearer. Just more fuel for the burning inferno that is my maternity leave. As you can imagine I'm still trying to figure out a way to take off as much time as possible to be with my daughter. A Different Perspective

Immense Loss; Walk a Mile in Baby’s Booties

Imagine for a moment…

You have met the person you've dreamed about all your life. He has every quality that you desire in a spouse. You plan for the wedding, enjoying every free moment with your fiancée. You love his touch, his smell, the way he looks into your eyes. For the first time in your life, you understand what is meant by "soul mate," for this person understands you in a way that no one else does. Your heart beats in rhythm with his. Your emotions are intimately tied to his every joy, his every sorrow.

The wedding comes. It is a happy celebration, but the best part is that you are finally the wife of this wonderful man. You fall asleep that night, exhausted from the day's events, but relaxed and joyful in the knowledge that you are next to the person who loves you more than anyone in the world…the person who will be with you for the rest of your life.

The next morning you wake up, nestled in your partner's arms. You open your eyes and immediately look for his face.

But IT'S NOT HIM! You are in the arms of another man. You recoil in horror. Who is this man? Where is your beloved?

You ask questions of the new man, but it quickly becomes apparent that he doesn't understand you. You search every room in the house, calling and calling for your husband. The new guy follows you around, trying to hug you, pat you on the back,...even trying to stroke your arm, acting like everything is okay.

But you know that nothing is okay. Your beloved is gone. Where is he? Will he return? When? What has happened to him?

Weeks pass. You cry and cry over the loss of your beloved. Sometimes you ache silently, in shock over what has happened. The new guy tries to comfort you. You appreciate his attempts, but he doesn't speak your language-either verbally or emotionally. He doesn't seem to realize the terrible thing that has happened...that your sweetheart is gone.

You find it difficult to sleep. The new guy tries to comfort you at bedtime with soft words and gentle touches, but you avoid him, preferring to sleep alone, away from him and any intimate words or contact.

Months later, you still ache for your beloved, but gradually you are learning to trust this new guy. He's finally learned that you like your coffee black, not doctored up with cream and sugar. Although you still don't understand his bedtime songs, you like the lilt of his voice and take some comfort in it.

More time passes. One morning, you wake up to find a full suitcase sitting next to the front door. You try to ask him about it, but he just takes you by the hand and leads you to the car. You drive and drive and drive. Nothing is familiar. Where are you? Where is he taking you?

You pull up to a large building. He leads you to an elevator and up to a room filled with people. Many are crying. Some are ecstatic with joy. You are confused. And worried.

The man leads you over to the corner. Another man opens his arms and sweeps you up in an embrace. He rubs your back and kisses your cheeks, obviously thrilled to see you.

You are anything but thrilled to see him. Who in the world is he? Where is your beloved? You reach for the man who brought you, but he just smiles (although he seems to be tearing up, which concerns you), pats you on the back, and puts your hand in the hands of the new guy. The new guy picks up your suitcase and leads you to the door. The familiar face starts openly crying, waving and waving as the elevator doors close on you and the new guy.

The new guy drives you to an airport and you follow him, not knowing what else to do. Sometimes you cry, but then the new guy tries to make you smile, so you grin back, wanting to "get along." You board a plane. The flight is long. You sleep a lot, wanting to mentally escape from the situation.

Hours later, the plane touches down. The new guy is very excited and leads you into the airport where dozens of people are there to greet you. Light bulbs flash as your photo is taken again and again. The new guy takes you to another guy who hugs you. Who is this one? You smile at him. Then you are taken to another man who pats your back and kisses your cheek. Then yet another fellow gives you a big hug and messes your hair.

Finally, someone (which guy is this?) pulls you into his arms with the biggest hug you've ever had. He kisses you all over your cheeks and croons to you in some language you've never heard before.

He leads you to a car and drives you to another location. Everything here looks different. The climate is not what you're used to. The smells are strange. Nothing tastes familiar, except for the black coffee. You wonder if someone told him that you like your coffee black.

You find it nearly impossible to sleep. Sometimes you lie in bed for hours, staring into the blackness, furious with your husband for leaving you, yet aching from the loss. The new guy checks on you. He seems concerned and tries to comfort you with soft words and a mug of warm milk. You turn away, pretending to go to asleep.

People come to the house. You can feel the anxiety start to bubble over as you look into the faces of all the new people. You tightly grasp the new guy's hand. He pulls you closer. People smile and nudge one other, marveling at how quickly you've fallen in love. Strangers reach for you, wanting to be a part of the happiness.

Each time a man hugs you, you wonder if he will be the one to take you away. Just in case, you keep your suitcase packed and ready. Although the man at this house is nice and you're hanging on for dear life, you've learned from experience that men come and go, so you just wait in expectation for the next one to come along.

Each morning, the new guy hands you a cup of coffee and looks at you expectantly. A couple of times the pain and anger for your husband is so great that you lash out, sending hot coffee across the room, causing the new guy to yelp in pain. He just looks at you, bewildered. But most of the time you calmly take the cup. You give him a smile. And wait. And wait. And wait.

--Written by Cynthia Hockman-Chupp, analogy courtesy of Dr. Kali Miller