Too Busy to Post..

.. this daily April posting thing is hard!..but I wanted to say thank you for all the supportive comments! Yes, maybe you are right. Maybe I am being too hard on myself. She is only 2. Well, 2yrs.10 months but technically still 2 (and I'm holding on to that age as long as possible... she is growing up WAY too fast!!)

I think the fact that I am doing this solo means I probably get more fed up or lose my patience more than couples or singles with family or help because they get a break from it. Here, it's all me, all the time. (But not for long! Soon, my new nanny Donna will be around to help out!)

And, one more thing, yes, her report card is totally lame. There is a long checklist where she can get a 1,2,3 or a 4 but the comments are seriously lacking. I was really, really disappointed when I first saw it last fall because as a new parent I was hanging on every word of teachers. I was so looking forward to getting a lengthy report card full of anecdotes and quotes and tidbits on my girl, giving me an insight into the day that I was missing but not so much. It was especially hard because I used to teach preschool and we did just that. The report cards were narratives, 3 pages long, full of information and the parent-teacher conferences were 45 minutes long! Great for the parents.

Almi's school? Nope, no such luck. But that school where I taught came with a hefty tuition fee. The 3 day a week half day program (8:30a.-12pm) will set you back $16,960! Seriously. And full day for preschool? A staggering $26,810. You better provide a 3 page narrative and 45 minute parent teacher conference for that! Meanwhile, Almi's full day program (7am-6pm) only costs me $285/wk. Ridiculously low for this area. I can't expect too much for that. Yeah, the report card sucks but I can't expect to get what high-end private schools provide. She's learning a lot, her teachers love her and most importantly she is happy to go each day. I mean, seriously. Look at that face!!

Oh, Parenting

The other day, when I dissolved into tears after putting Almi down to bed, I got online and ordered some parenting books. As a teacher, one with excellent classroom management, it's hard to see yourself having such a hard time with your child. I mean, I can handle 20 plus Kindergartners, why can't I handle a two year old? Well, it's totally different. I don't know how but it just is. Factor in her age, her adoption, my insecurities, her needs, our personalities, my need for control, her need for control, my need for approval, her need for independence... well, it's just different. And trust me when I tell you, before I had children I really didn't like being around them (after work that is). If they were in the next booth at the restaurant I was annoyed. I didn't want to hear their whining or crying during my meal so I am extra sensitive when she acts up in public because I know most people aren't sympathetic. They want me to get her to stop.

I don't even remember what she did now and thankfully she doesn't reduce me to tears too often. I was probably just extra tired and stressed out. For the most part she is a good little girl but she likes to test me and to express her growing independence. She stomps her foot at me when she's angry (I try not to laugh because though not appropriate it is so darn cute), she yells "no!!" a lot and whines way too much. What is it with the whining?! Man, that's annoying. I don't know where she picked that up but that is one of the first things I want to stop. She's better behaved than many, but has room for improvement in my book.

So, through my tears and aggravation, I caved and ordered parenting books. That was a hard pill to swallow--I never thought I would need to do that-- but I bit the bullet and did. And I am glad I did. Why suffer through trying different techniques and strategies? Why not just do what the experts say works? And if my child's behavior is in part a reflection of my parenting, well then help a sistah out! One of the books didn't bowl me over but I am most impressed with 1*2*3 Magic. I haven't finished reading it yet but I have still started to implement the strategies. So far, so good. I'm confident when I finish the book and do it properly that it will work with her. Yes! Basically, from what I have read so far, it is used to stop behaviors you don't want (like tantrums, whining, etc.) When the unwanted behavior starts, you tell your child, "That's one" and wait to see if they change the behavior. Most two year olds won't so in a few seconds you say, "That's two" as you hold up two fingers. Again, you give the child about five seconds or so to think about the consequences of their actions. If you get to three a consequence is administered. It can be a time out (the number of minutes equaling the child's age) or taking away something of importance to them like TV or dessert or something appropriate for your household and your child's age. Then, after the time out, there is no discussion about it. Everything just goes back to normal. It avoids yelling and lectures and hitting and drama. All of which I am trying to avoid.

I know the adoption community is against time outs. The fear I guess is we don't want the child to feel a sense of abandonment all over again. I don't know if I agree with this. I mean, she would only be in time out for two minutes. She is alone for more than two minutes when I run to the bathroom, grab a phone call or if she is playing while I am cooking dinner. I don't think she will be scarred for life for a two minute time out and the beauty of it is it gives both parent an child time away from each other to cool down and think. Sometimes my time out chair is within view though I do think there is something to be said for removing a child from a situation sometimes even if he/she is adopted. And I feel my daughter is attached so that certainly factors in but in the end I guess each parent needs to decide what is best for his/her child.

There is more to it and, like I said, haven't read the whole book but it seems to be working so far. If she starts acting up and I get to 2, she yells, "No two! No two!!" and I respond, "Well, then stop doing XYZ so I don't get to 3" and she usually does. I hear that after awhile all you have to do is calmly say, "That's 1" and the behavior stops immediately. I look forward to that day!

Having my child listen to me the first time a direction is given and to be pleasant more often than no, is my goal. She's a toddler so tantrums and defiance are part of the age, but I don't want to be the parent with the screaming four year old in the candy aisle of the grocery store and I don't want to be the parent who gets calls from her Kindergarten teacher for poor choices in school. She's only two but I got my first taste of that the other day when I got Almi's report card. It wasn't a total shock since they have been telling me for a couple of months now that she is having a hard time listening, but it is hard to see it in black and on her formal report card. For posterity.



My goal is to have the 4th reporting period end on a good note. I want to see them write that she has done an excellent job with listening or improved her listening skills or something like that. I know we can't completely control how our children act, and some children have physical, emotional or mental health issues that make compliance more difficult, but we can still try to instill values and appropriate behavior into our children--even our toddlers! They may not become ingrained until they are 25 but at least we can try. Or at least I will try.

**P.S. - Happy 86th birthday, Dad! ♡♡♡ I love you!! ♡♡♡

Good Things to Come

Single parenting is hard, really hard for me.

It's hard because other then when I am work, we almost never get a break from each other. And that isn't good because when I am home I need to do laundry and cook meals and do house repairs and pay bills. I can't play with her constantly. But if I'm not doing that she's upset. And if I am playing with her constantly then I'm upset. I can either throw all of my responsibilities aside and interact with her each evening or I can run a household. But I can't seem to manage to do both.

I can either have a happy child or run a smooth household. I can either engage fully with my daughter in the evenings or have nutritious meals, a clean home and pay the bills on time. But if she is happy I am not because we are eating crap, the house is a mess and I am extremely stressed out because something very important isn't getting done.

I hate to admit it but I don't do single parenting very well. My priority has been Almi but I came to realize in the last couple of months that some drastic changes would have to happen because I must attend to myself and I must run a household and on a teachers salary with no support it just wasn't happening. My house is a wreck, the bills are paid late, I can't get to the gym, my friendships are suffering, my hobbies are being neglected, I rarely go out, I'm tired, I'm stressed out... this isn't living. It's not the life I want to live nor the life I want my daughter to experience!

So I started looking at my options:

I could drastically declutter and downsize.
I could get a second job.
I could sell my house.
I could share housing with a friend.
I could play the lottery regularly.
I could move to be closer to family.
I could move in with family.
I could look for a higher paying job.
I could move to a city where my money would go further.

Well, something panned out. I will share more in the coming months but suffice it to say we will be making a drastic change, one that I believe will be very good for our family. It will allow me to have more quality time with my daughter. It will allow me to have more time for me. It will allow me to save some money. It will add to our life story. Home cooked meals and a clean house are going to be possible. It's huge and scary and overwhelming and exciting but I am going to face my fears and step out on faith and make the change. For her. For me. For us. And I think that will be good.

We Interrupt the Joys of the Season for This..

December is special and magical and it's been fun to experience it through the eyes of my daughter. I've been waiting for years for this experience and it's great--I seriously love it-- and I will be posting about all these wonderful things. But I gotta be honest. December has also been one of the hardest months yet.

Like the rest of America, it's been really, really busy and I am spending night after night burning the midnight oil. Between work obligations, Christmas cards, gifts, hosting, looking for a new job, trying to get organized plus parenting a child who is two and not totally verbal (and who therefore cries when she can't communicate her wants and needs)--well, suffice it to say that I am done.

I can count on one hand the number of times I have gone out in the last ten months (necessary me time) and it has officially gotten o.l.d. I can't take it anymore. Love my daughter, but I love myself, too and I have completely neglected myself and my wants and needs. I want to go on dates! I want to go to a movie! I want to go on a trip! I want to eat in a nice restaurant! I want to do crafts! I want a nail/spa/hair appointment! I want to take a fuckin' nap, dammit!!! I am officially burnt out. I realize it's not about me-- which is why I haven't gone out in ten months-- but I also know that balance is necessary for happiness and I do not have it. I am MORE than a parent!!!!!!!

Posting this is risky. I am putting my frustrations out there in blogland and subjecting myself to anonymous commenters who will sit smugly in front of their computer screens and type judgemental things. But you know what? Go ahead. I don't care. I'm prepared. I couldn't feel any more frustrated or annoyed than I do now anyways so, seriously, go ahead.

Tell me I asked for this. I've heard it before.
Tell me it must be me because your Ethiopian child is easy to parent and every moment brings you joy. Lucky you.
Tell me that you told me so. That you could see this coming. That I should have started spanking her at 20 months. I've heard that before, too.
Tell me get over myself, stop complaining, suck it up. You're right and I'm trying.

But right now I am straight up frustrated and I wanna vent.

Here's a glimpse into the past few weeks. The phrase of December is "I dohwanna" (even if she wants to). Oh, and let's not forget "no", which is often yelled in my face.

Almi, it's time for bed. "I dohwanna bed!"
Almi, it's time for a bath. "I dohwanna bat!"
Almi, it's time to eat dinner. "I dohwanna ee!"
Almi, let's watch Elm0. "I dohwanna Emm0!"

Oh, and the tears. They start when she doesn't get her way. They don't last long but, Lord help me, it's ten times a day. She's happy and laughing one minute and whining and crying the next. Some friends say I am too soft with her; others say it's because she's a Gemini; others chalk it up to her age.

I think it's partly because she's a very social creature and when it's just the two of us at home she gets bored. The blocks, puzzles, dolls, cooking projects, coloring books, Elm0 videos, etc., are fun for a while but what she really likes is interacting with people. They can be 2 year olds or 10 year olds or grown ups. She doesn't discriminate, she just likes to be around a lot of people. I say this because she never cries at daycare and she's happy when other people are over. In fact, she goes all day laughing and smiling and following directions and then comes home and is a different child. And the playing at home is busy and loud and active. She rarely sits quietly and plays with her tea set. That lasts for about 5 minutes. She's loud, rambunctious, strong, active, wild, dramatic, energetic. She wants me to chase her and build with her and jump up and down and dance and laugh and scream and climb on me (and the furniture) and explore and take things apart. And oh, she loves to purposely do things she has been taught not to do. She will find something and put it in her mouth and then come show me. She will reach for the hot water faucet in the tub and look to see my reaction. She will make a beeline for electrical cords and light switches. She will bring me things she isn't supposed to be touching in the first place (remotes, my camera, cell phone) as if to say 'yeah, I know I'm not supposed to touch this so here ya go.' She's mischievous and sneaky (in a funny, playful way) but it means I have to be on my toes 24/7. I read somewhere that parents should try their best to play for at least 15 minutes a day with their children. Fifteen minutes! Ha, what a joke. In a week that would be, what, an hour and 45 minutes? We have done more than that in one day.

Another reason I believe is a factor is her difficulty communicating. Receptively, her language is amazing. But her expressive language, though not atypical for a 30 month old child (and certainly not a second language learner) lags behind. I am sure she gets frustrated when she can understand everything I am saying but can't get me to understand everything she is saying. I am going to set up an appointment for a speech evaluation next week. I worry when I read on Facebook and blogs what other people's children are able to express by her age. A lot of Ethiopian children seem to gain total English fluency in a matter of months, even children her age. I know children develop at different rates but I know my child is bright so I am concerned.

So there you have it. December, though amazing and magical in so many ways, has been difficult to fully enjoy. Instead I lay awake wondering, 'How can I make our time together more enjoyable?' or the worse, 'Am I destined to be a broke, exhausted single parent?' I am tired, concerned, frustrated (and she is too) and people, let me tell you, it ain't no crystal stair.

Yeah, I said it. It's out there in print, forever. But I don't care. In fact, I'm actually happy about. You know why? Because it's real. This isn't a sunshine/rainbows/unicorns blog. It's where I can share and express myself and keep a record of our lives together---the amazing, the good, the bad, the ugly. Parenting isn't always fun or easy and single parenting (even if you dreamed of it for years) can be no fun and downright exhausting.

Sleep Issues

Naomi used to go to sleep without too much fuss. She might cry for a minute but rarely even that. I don't know if this is going to be a long term problem but for the past few weeks she has drawn out bedtime more and more.

She wants some water.
She needs to go to the potty.
She needs baby/bunny/doggy.
She wants to be held.
She wants me to sing more.

The past few days, now even after all of that she will cry when I go to leave the room. Only a couple of times since I have brought her home did she cry for more than a minute so I went in to check on her. I'm glad I did because one time her foot was stuck in the crib slats and another time she needed a diaper change.

But now the crying is every night and it lasts for more than a minute. I have told myself if I have already gotten baby/sang the songs/taken her to the potty than it's probably nothing more than just wanting to stay up and play with me.

But a screaming baby is really hard to ignore. And then there's the whole adoption/attachment/security/unknowns/new parenting factors. You know, does she just want to stay up (yes, I'd say if she were a bio child) but in this case could there be more to it?

I read on blogs how single parents let their kids sleep in their beds or even how their kid can't sleep unless she is in bed with the child. Or I read how they have to stay in the room until the child falls asleep. I don't know how they do that because as a single mom I need my sleep. I need to be productive at work and sleeping in bed with a child (getting kicked all night) or in the same room with my baby (being awaken by coughing, crying, shifting) will interfere with my sleep. If I am (more) exhausted, how am I going to function?

And if I stay in her room til she falls asleep like I did last night, how productive can I be at home? Most of my evening is already dedicated to parenting (playing, cooking, dishes, bathing, playing, stories, singing, rocking...) that the 2 hours of left before I get tired are necessary to relax/read/pay bills/return phone calls/blog/whatever and eating into that is seriously going to put me over the edge.

I can't risk falling asleep early every night. I sleep pretty much 7 hrs like clockwork so if I am asleep by 9:30 then I am pretty likely going to wake up at 4:30, or earlier. I woke up at 2:30 this morning and have been up since.

If this child had been born to me I might let her cry it out, but this whole adoption dynamic has me questioning the best way to proceed.

Reclaiming Lost Energy

Summer is ending and that is truly bittersweet. She will never have another summer of being two! I wanted to expose her to so many things and to document them all but there were many things I could not/cannot do due to time constraints, financial constraints or that it's not possible with just me. Eh, it is what it is. We have more than most but man I wish I could have taken her to the beach more often. I don't live far from a body of water that passes as a beach but I couldn't take her because I need two pairs of eyes to watch her. She likes to run off and explore and if that happened who would watch our stuff? I never did get the shot I wanted of her in her adorable ruffled bathing suit. She had it on a few times when were at the beach in MV and at pool by my house but I couldn't stop and photograph her because I needed t to keep her safe. I bought her a life jacket with the plan of going canoeing or boating. Nah, didn't happen. Her daycare took her to a splashpark but I never took her for whatever reason. We never caught fireflies or laid in hammock. I never put together the water table I bought her.

I don't say these things to whine and complain. I will do better next summer. I say them because deep down--or really not so deep down really--I want so much more for my girl. I want her to experience all life has to offer and at times I feel like I am short changing her. I want her to experience opera and dance and gymnastics. I want her to take ballet and play soccer and have a huge swingset in the backyard. I want to take her to foreign countries and show her amazing things. And I want something as simple as allowing her to be able to be a curious toddler who gets into things and not try to avert every situation because I don't have the energy to clean up the mess it will make. Basically, I want her life to be full and enriching and fun. I don't want it to be all daycare/dinner/bath/bed/errands. I want so much more for her and I'm disappointed that at the moment I can't do more.

As always, things are so busy around here and I am beat. I knew going back to work would be hard while trying to raise Naomi; prepare healthy, home cooked meals; clean and have a social life. Unfortunately, the social life has taken a back seat. Well, that and the cleaning. ;-) But not the healthy meal part. I am trying hard to combat my constant fatigue but for years it has been a losing battle. Having a toddler at home has exacerbated the problem so I decided to try fasting to give my body a rest and try to regain some energy. For three days I only ate fresh or steamed fruits & veggies and water. After three days I was so bored I added sweet potatoes, fish, seeds, sea salt, olive oil, garlic and turmeric. It's still pretty boring but I am determined to feel better and thankfully the cravings are minimal. I can't believe I'm not tempted by the icy, cold Cokes in my fridge or the ice cream and chocolate chip cookies in my freezer. I am very motivated by wanting to be healthier for my daughter and by the fact that I have already shed 8 pounds! Woot! The scale hasn't read in the 140's in a l-o-o-o-o-ong time. I think I may even have a shot at seeing it in the 130's again at this rate! It's amazing to think I weighed 126 lbs. when I moved to California in 2000 and sometime last year I was as heavy as 160. Ugh. That was not pretty. But what was worse was how sluggish I felt and just blah. I am on my way to reclaiming my health and my drive is motivating my friends and family members as well which is nice. To top it off, my school district, which I hate for so many reasons, is at least doing one cool thing: they have started a program/contest to see if we can band together in teams to lose weight and exercise. Their bottom line is to lower their health insurance costs. Yeah, exercise and diet will no doubt help but if they stopped making the job so f'n demanding and the pay so sh!tty people wouldn't be stressed out and eating crap all day to survive the b.s. I'm just sayin'.

The Kindergarten team in my building has formed a team and I wanna win! I don't even know what the prizes are but I still wanna win! lol Anyhoo, I am hopeful that this will help other aspects of my/our life.

Thankfully, my new job is so much better in a lot of ways. I have some behavior problems and it's probably one of the lowest groups of kids I have ever taught (can't count to ten, don't know their letters, can't write or recognize their names, etc.). I seriously have my work cut out for me--I have to get them all on or above grade level by June (wish me luck on that one!!!!) but I really like my new colleagues a lot and that makes a world of difference! Here are some pics from my classroom:

Meanwhile, the apartment is still not rented. I have been having internet issues and every time I got on to try to fill out an ad, it was on the blink. Frustrating! I hope to get it rented out starting in October. I could really use the extra money!!

That's about all going on around here.

Here are some not-so-great photos of my funny, active girl.

And a video of her eating a concoction I prepared. You can hear how congested she is. She has had a runny nose, diarrhea or been congested practically every day since she's been home. I had her tested for everything under the sun and they all keep coming back negative. The doctor said she may have "toddler's diarrhea" or seasonal allergies. Maybe. Or she may have some sort of food intolerance or sensitivity. I am equally committed to getting her healthy so have begun preparing more homemade things for her now as well. As she eats up the boxed cereal, canned spaghetti and fruit cups I am not replacing them, but instead making things from scratch. Making things at home and controlling the ingredients is also a great way to get more fruits and veggies into her.. and me for that matter! No wonder I'm so tired!! :)



(sorry it cuts off as she's talking, the battery in my camera died. oops!)

Tears

Dropping my little girl off at 7:00am and picking her up at 6:00 is no fun. I'm sorry, but leaving her with strangers and spending the day with other people's children doesn't make any sense. All we have time for is dinner and bath and bed. Very little time to play and interact with each other and I miss her! I cried tonight because she was a bit cranky and I feel guilty because I think having her in daycare is to blame. She needs more sleep but it's hard to get her to bed before 7:45. I hate rushing her in the mornings but I need my a.m. planning time. Tonight I picked her up and she was spotless. No art projects today I guess. And no playing outside either, apparently. What are they doing all day in that small room?! I want her to be able to run around in the sunshine and have fun!! She's only 2.

It will get better. Soon I will be able to pick her up earlier and take her to the park or do something fun after school. The beginning of the school year is just so busy and even more so with a new job so I need to put in the time but it makes me so sad for her. For us. I want to be the one teaching her new things and potty training her and seeing her bright eyes when she excited or comforting her when she's hurt. :(

I believe her Ethiopian teacher cares about her and they all tell me how happy and verbal and how good she is and I know as a teacher kids like that are easier to be nice to so I am not too worried about how she's being treated, but I really wish there was some way that I could stay home with her and teach her everything she needs to know. At least until she's verbal enough to tell me about her day. Now I am left to speculate and wonder if she's having fun.

Back to School Night is next Friday and I look forward to hearing more about their program. I did find out she goes to the media center, PE and music class (M,W,F) so that's nice. And I like being able to drop in unexpectedly throughout the day to see what she's doing, but nothing would be better than having her home with me.

God, can you please send me my rich husband soon so I can quit my job and be a stay at home mom? I have been very patient. Thank you. Amen.

One Week Left

... of vacation that is. So sad. It seriously flew by!! I created a list and barely got to check anything off. But, I am happy to say that the basement will be ready by the end of the month and I may be able to get a renter in there by Sept. 1. The appliances won't be delivered until the 28th but everything else should be done by tomorrow. Today they laid the new tiles and tomorrow they will finish that and all the last finishing touches. I haven't even listed it yet and I have two people expressing interest... and the best part??? The rent will pay half my mortgage! Woot!


I have one more week to get things together and I am pretty hopeful that I can accomplish mostly everything. So that's good.

In daycare news, I finally made a decision. I am going with the new site. It was a really hard decision. Remember the pros and cons? My biggest concern with leaving the old site is how her transition is going to be. That still worries me. When she is home with me all the time she is happy, easy-going, pleasant, obedient and rarely cries. I believe it's because she's comfortable and feels safe. On vacation, for comparison, she was whiny and clingy, cried a lot, shouted "No!" a lot and was throwing things and not sleeping well. (When she first got home from Ethiopia she used to cry in her sleep and she was doing that on vacation, too. I don't know why for sure but I have my suspicions.) Now that she is back with me she is sweet and a joy to be around. I worry that she is going to go back to her hitting and defiance and crying. I really, really want her to be happy. But, in the end I decided that if she is in school right down the hall from my classroom I can keep tabs on her but also the space, the other children and I can keep tabs on her teachers as well. I can look in at any time and they know that. Not to mention the principal has a two year old daughter as well in the same class so I am sure they are going to be doing their best. Someone left a really helpful comment when I posted about this before which was once I make my decision to throw all my energy into making it the best place possible for her/for us and that is what I intend to do.

(on our way to register this morning)

My biggest concerns about the new place were that it seemed too academic and the teachers/curriculum weren't terribly impressive but those worries have been laid to rest. Listen to what happened as I was driving over there to register her today! Early this morning there was a huge rainstorm and as I was driving over there I noticed there were power outages and trees down and other debris in the road. It made me realize how much more relaxed I will be if she is right in my building if, God forbid, anything serious were to happen. It's kind of hard to see from this picture, but this was a very mature tree and it was completely uprooted!!


I worry about her so much so having her right down the hall (yes, the daycare is on the kindergarten hallway!) will ease my fears. I can go check on her at any time and they can find me if needed. So, we get there and I register her and I ask the director if they have selected the teachers yet for her classroom. He said, "Yes. Ms. Essy and Ms. Rosa and I think you will be happy to learn that Ms. Essy is Ethiopian." I am telling you, this is all falling into place! An Ethiopian teacher?! I asked if I could meet her and the next thing I knew I was speaking to a lovely, warm 40-something woman who shared she's been teaching for 11 years and who Almi took to right away. I got a really good feeling from her. She was telling me about the other ages she has taught and she said she used to teach the "academic threes" but she likes being with the two year olds because there is a mix of academic work but also time for art and music and play. I swear, it's as if all my prayers were answered, I tell you. I am now pretty happy about the placement and Almi seemed to really, really like her and she won't be a complete stranger when she sees her next week. I asked Ms. Essy to speak to her in Amharic to see if she remembered any. She did and there seemed to be a glimmer of recognition in Almi's eyes, like it sounded comforting and familiar but she didn't respond in Amharic. However, like I said, she seemed to really like her so I am extremely relieved and happy about that. I really feel comfortable about my decision. And of course I'm thrilled to have it be less expensive on top of everything else!

Now the only thing I have to figure out is who is watching her for the first three days of work. We are due to report on August 19th but the daycare isn't going to be open until 23rd or 24th. Hmmmm.. You know what? I'm just going to assume that this will be taken care of as well.

Being an AP

There are some curious things I have discovered about adoption and becoming a parent after 40 and trading in my fun single gal life for one of diapers and sippy cups. One is that no matter how prepared you think you are, you will be caught off guard by the things people say and do. If you are in the adoption process these tidbits may help prepare you and you may be better able to handle your responses than I was:

1. You can't complain. Oh no, don't complain about being tired or overextended or short on cash or overwhelmed because, uh, you asked for this. Somehow being a parent to a biological child earns you the right to say you're tired or stressed but when you adopt somehow that disappears and instead is viewed as weakness or ingratitude. One of my childless neighbors was heading out to a party on a Friday night and I wistfully said something about what a nice thing to do on a warm summer evening (as opposed to changing my 857th diarrhea-filled diaper) and my comment was met with something to the effect of 'Well, you created this life so deal with it.' Hmmm... ok. Yes, in fact I did. And I wouldn't trade my daughter in for a guaranteed Friday night party every night for a year, but considering I have only been out three times in almost five months means that well, dammit, I miss adult company and cocktails. Of course some people don't mind hearing complaints and will be supportive, but trust me on this.. the vast majority probably don't want to hear it.


2. You may not get a baby shower. I didn't. I have good friends and a loving, supportive family and they mentioned throwing me one but I never got a baby shower from friends or family. My job threw me one which was really, really nice but it did sting that no one close to me did. I think with a pregnancy everyone knows the arrival date and age of the child so it makes planning a shower a lot easier. They know they have until X date to get it done. With an adoption there is no definitive end date on the calendar so they think there will always be time and then suddenly you are a parent and it's out of their minds.

3. You will get a lot of unsolicited opinions and questions and comments. I have heard an earful and I didn't do a special needs adoption, adopt transracially, adopt out of birth order or adopt siblings. I know these groups of people probably get way more comments and opinions than I do but I still get comments all. the. time. Some don't bother me because I have said or thought some of those same things before I adopted. Others are valid. Some cut to the bone.

* How much did you pay for her?
* Why did her parents give her up?
* How do you know she was really relinquished ethically?
* Why didn't you just adopt right here in DC?
* You should adopt a baby to avoid (insert ailment, attachment issue, personality trait here)
* Why doesn't she talk as much as other kids her age?
* Couldn't you have biological children?
* Why didn't you get married and have kids? ...often followed by: What's wrong with you?
* She is so lucky.
* Why would I adopt when I can have my own?
* I'm not a fan of adoption.
* No one will date you with a child.
* Are you going to tell her she is adopted?
* Do you love her?

4. When you first become a parent, a lot people will disappear. Maybe they are giving you time to bond, maybe they think you don't want company or don't think you can get out, maybe they don't understand you in this new role, maybe they don't like/know how to relate to kids. You can't really blame them when they were used to you being like this:

I used to be fun, the life of the party, up for anything and people were used to that. Expect to feel rejected or lonely at first until people can wrap their minds around you now being a parent and forgive them for taking the time they need to figure out how to now relate to you.


5. You will be warmed by the kind things people say.
* Your daughter will be a blessing to you. Adoption is such a blessing and, yes, it may be hard now but you will be blessed beyond measure in your life together.
* You take care of your daughter now and raise her right as I know you are and she will be with you forever.
* You may not share biology but your child will share your likes and dislikes, your personality, you mannerisms, your beliefs, etc. and those things are just as important in bonding with your child as eye color.
* I am absolutely in love with your daughter!!
* You are a great mom.
* You two have a great bond.
* She is so happy. Good job!


6. People will do things to surprise you.
* offer great advice
* offer to babysit
* send gifts in the mail (even strangers!)
* offer to clean your house
* be a shoulder to cry on or allow you to complain
* prepare dishes of food
* pray for you and your child

Getting into a new role in life takes getting used to, not just for the one who assumed the new role but also for those around him or her. My road to single parenting was full of twists and turns and bumps and even after she arrived there were many rocky times as we adjusted to the newness of it all. Thanks to all of you who helped make it easier for me and to all of you who are making it easier for other new adoptive parents out there! Although we may be too tired to tell you, we appreciate it!

Mother's Day

I spent my first Mother's Day with my new daughter and my mom (and other family). It was really nice. My mom wanted me to bring her to church but that only lasted 5 minutes--until Almi wanted to run up and down the aisles. Then we went to brunch, opened cards (teared up while reading aloud the sentiments) and *attempted* to get a 3 generations photo. I got a lot of phone calls and texts and even cards in the mail. I really appreciated everyone's good wishes but I got to be honest...it was all so surreal. Am I really someone's mother? I'm curious to find out when I officially begin to feel like one.

OK, I gotta be honest here. Most blogs are not. But I know I always appreciate ones where people are real and authentic, so here goes. Naomi Winter Almaz is an amazing child. There is no getting around that and I am honored to be chosen to parent her and I will do so the best way I know how. She has been entrusted in my care and I take that very seriously. I truly love her.

But.

Yes there's a but..

It is *very* hard.
I am tired.
I feel isolated.
I need help.
I miss my old life.
I have no balance.
I want sleep.
I want more money.
I want to be doing this with a husband.
I wanna cry.
I do cry.
Can I repeat how tired I am?

It has gotten a lot better than the first few days we were together. I still haven't finished blogging about my time in Ethiopia and I will but suffice it to say that it was very, very, very difficult. I thank God my cousin was there to help me out. She got sick. She was grieving. I was exhausted. So it's better now-- a lot better-- I recognize that and know it will continue to get better. But without a lot of language she gets frustrated. And without sleep and without help I get frustrated. Oh and can I also mention the diarrhea?? No diagnosis yet. But really, ugh. And, well, I've been up since 4:00 this morning so that's where this is all coming from. Don't worry, we're hanging in there!! Just venting.

Meanwhile, I go back to work on Monday. I don't want to go, but Almi's in daycare now and seems happy and, well, I need a paycheck! In short, the sick leave bank rejected my claim so I will not get paid one slim dime from the time I was off plus they just informed me that I will be receiving a bill for my health insurance premiums for the time I was out. Yeah, my school district pretty much sucks. And there is nothing more I have to say about that.

My first preschool art project to come home was also my Mother's Day gift!

Thanks for all the kind comments about the ER visit!!! She is doing much better!

What Would You Do?

Before I left for Addis I was very stressed about some things going on in my life. I have mentioned some of those on this blog but there were other reasons, too. Let's just say I had enough for me to request a full on stress test and EKG before I got on the plane. My regular doctor is actually a cardiologist so he ordered up all the tests. For the most part they came back normal-- except for one area which I can't articulate with any knowledge so I won't even try. Basically, what was important was he cleared me for travel and told me not to worry. So I didn't.

These past three weeks my stress level has increased considerably. I am happier and I laugh more than I have in a long, long time and have my little pumpkin to thank for that. I am also more active--not nearly to the level that I should be, but it's a start. The reality is though that all the things that were stressing me out before are still there --plus the added stress of parenting--but now I have less time and energy to devote to solving them. I also don't have time to think about what's not getting done so I don't seem to be upset about it on a daily basis like I was before but apparently my body knows. I had a doctor's appointment scheduled for today mainly because he wanted to meet my daughter. I went not expecting to have anything done but they did the normal basic things like height, weight, drew blood for some tests and took my blood pressure. Two surprising things were discovered:

1. I have lost eight pounds and
2. My blood pressure has gone up TWENTY points

I knew I lost weight in Addis but I have lost even more since being home. But the blood pressure?! Scary stuff! The nurse did it once and then he repeated it twice. On his last try it only showed a spike of ten points but I am going with twenty (though even ten points in a month would be huge). To put it mildly, I am horrified. Hypertension is common in my family but my blood pressure has always been low. We even spoke of this in my last appointment. He said I should expect it to increase in the next decade since most people in my family have it. I wasn't expecting it to be high one month later. I basically went from having low blood pressure to having high blood pressure in a month! High. Not something to watch because it's approaching a high number, but it is already high.

All three of us were shocked. The nurse muttered something about it under her breath but said the doctor would repeat it. He repeated it and was shocked. He suggested I make an appointment in two weeks to see if it's still high. I am supposed to be going back to work in two weeks. In fact, the day they tried to give me an appointment was supposed to be my first day back (and my baby shower). I told them I couldn't make it on that day. But now I am having enormous second thoughts. Of course Google doesn't help, but it is very scary to read symptoms you have online. Clearly I need to take immediate action. I am going to call them tomorrow and see if I can still get that April 6th appointment. I am also going to start exercising immediately.Right before the appointment I picked up the part needed to add to my recalled McClaren stroller to make it safe. I am going to install it tomorrow and start taking long walks each day. And, damn, I guess I need to give up all that delicious coffee I bought in Addis.

This is interesting: he also said he could write a note to my job saying he needed to monitor me over the next six+ weeks and that I should not return to work during that time. When I rejected the April 6th appointment I suppose in my head I was planning on returning to work on time but as I type this post I am thinking maybe I need to stay home. My little girl needs me to be in top physical condition. I'm all she has so my health needs to be my #1 priority. I guess I wasn't sure if staying home would help to reduce my stress but at least I won't be worrying about her. Truthfully, I think she will love day care. She seems so happy when around other kids but I worry a lot about our attachment. She is becoming more attached but it's not where I would like it to be and I wonder how not seeing me for ten hours a day will affect it? That gives me a lot of stress and daily worry. If I stayed home, that one worry would be eliminated. I could also be sure to exercise daily (once she is attached I can resume going to the gym and drop her in the gym daycare). I'm so conflicted about what to do. One possible plus is I might be able to get paid since I would now be staying home for medical reasons. But perhaps going back to work will make things more normal again? If you were me would you take the note and stay home?

Mommy Fails

OK, here we go... don't yell at me, I'm trying!

1. I didn't feed her lunch a couple of times because I wasn't hungry so I forgot :(

2. I went out twice without diapers cause, hey, I don't wear them so why would they be on my mind? I ended up having to give her a bath at my friend's house and then drive home without one on. Think Three Men and a Baby but with two 40-something women. Comical.

3. I fed her tuna and then later worried about allergic reaction and then realized I gave her strawberries last week.

4. I couldn't find her bottles or sippy cups but knew she wanted water so I put some in a plastic container and handed it to her where she was sitting on the floor like she was a puppy or something :(

Is she serious?
Ok, whatever, Mom.

5. I couldn't sleep with her constant kicking so I went into the den. She woke me up at 8:15 but usually gets up at 7am. What was she doing all that time? Glad the place is baby proofed!

6. I fed her Cheerios for dinner because we got stuck in major traffic during the dinner hour and that's what I had in the car.

7. I forgot to check her diaper post-nap and ended up with poop on my new carpet. Oops!

But for the most part I think I am doing pretty well for a new mom. We are into a little routine.

Wake up, play a bit, get dressed.
Breakfast, play more, errands, snack.
Lunch, nap, play more.
Dinner, play, bath, get ready for bed, books, prayers, sleep.

I don't know how things will change when I have to go back to work in 3 weeks. I can NOT believe that my time off is already half over. That is sooo unfortunate, but so is not getting a paycheck so it's back to work I go. I can't imagine how tired and overextended I will be then.

Meanwhile, I am looking at my list of things to do before I go back to work. My daunting to do list. Here is just a sampling...

1. I have got to figure out day care still. I am still waitlisted at a place where I don't have to sign a 12-month contract. This is key since I don't work in the summer. Stupid to pay for day care if I am off work. Now if I get a summer job that pays more than daycare I might consider it but for now that job doesn't exist. There is a very nice daycare right near my house with openings now. It's Spanish immersion, very diverse, not outrageously expensive but a 12-month contract. If nothing pans out that's where she will be.

2. I have to work on her readoption process and apply for her social security card. My job sent me a letter yesterday saying they were going to drop her from my health insurance unless I give them a copy of her s.s.# by April 2nd. Three weeks? Great. I don't know if I can get one that quickly without her being readopted. Must figure that out this week.

3. Taxes.

The list has about 7 other critical items on it but I won't bore you with the details. Instead I'll post a cute photo :)

Yay! Injera!

Attachment

When Naomi first met me it took her quite awhile to warm up to me. Though she didn't cry much, she wasn't giving me any eye contact. She'd take a quick glance at me from time to time but that first day she didn't hold her gaze. It wasn't for a couple of days that she would look at me for more than a few seconds. I read that maintaining eye contact was one good way to form attachment and since she loves to eat I decided to try to incorporate the two. I figured since she followed the spoon when eating that if I put it close to my eyes she would look at me. I started this on the second day home and I think it has helped tremendously with our attachment.

Here is a video of me feeding her this way. How cute is this??



Other things I have been doing are baby wearing, co-sleeping and doing all of the feeding/changing/bathing.

I bought an ERGO and she gets into it but doesn't like to be in for more than about an hour. My plan before I brought her home was to wear her for 5 hours a day. Ha! Yeah, no. First of all, she's heavy--about 24 pounds. But I would suck it up if she'd let me but she starts to complain after about an hour. I can put her in it to do some things around the house or if I have to walk somewhere but not for as long as I had hoped. Still, I think she does feel safe inside it:We have also been sleeping together since attachment can build during the night. I didn't want her to sleep alone anyways since she never has. Even though I am having her crib set up this weekend it will be my room. I only have another month off and want to get as attached as possible. Maybe I will have her sleep in her own room when I am ready to go back to work; maybe not. Not sure at this point. Here we are in Ethiopia. I was exhausted! I am getting more sleep now than I was there.. it's not so bad. The other thing I am doing is being responsible for all of her needs so she can learn who momma is and who to go to for comfort and care. It's exhausting, but important. I do all the bathing, feeding (when she'll allow me to), diaper changes, etc. Of course, I am the only one here now but even when friends and family are around I take care of everything. Here are some shots of us in Ethiopia, including her first (and only) bath there-- the water was so cold in our guesthouse!I'd like to say my efforts are paying off. It seems that way to me anyways. She is giving me more eye contact and comes to me when scared or tired. I was complaining to my cousin that she goes to him for laughs and playtime and to me when she's cranky and crying but now that it's just the two of us, I get both. She has definitely turned a corner since meeting her in Ethiopia last week. I get real laughter and I can see trust developing. When she wakes up from her nap I find her sitting up in bed waiting patiently for me and not crying --she must trust I am nearby. She can also now let me out of her sight for a few moments as well. Baby steps. We're coming along.

Check out these pics of my smiley girl from tonight when we were playing around after bathtime. (excuse the snotty nose.. I can't wipe it enough!)