But is it Love?

Ok, I gotta be honest here. I never understood when adoptive parents say they fell in love with a referral photo. I understand how they (we) can be overjoyed, conflicted, thrilled, saddened, excited, overwhelmed, anxious, curious, reflective, peaceful, worried, and a whole host of other feelings when they open the referral photo for the first time, but love? I'm not so sure.

When I opened my referral photos I was overcome with emotion. She is a beautiful baby and looking at her photos brought up a mixture of feelings. Tears sprung to my eyes because I was overjoyed at the thought of finally becoming a mother and because I was profoundly saddened by the thought that this sweet little thing had a family who was unable to care for her, but not because I was in love.

Over the past few weeks my feelings for this little girl have grown considerably. Though I am consciously trying to not become attached (5% of referrals fall through and even if I do get the opportunity to adopt this child who knows how many more weeks or months I will have to wait) I do find myself longing to hold, protect, teach and nurture her. I worry about her development, her health, her happiness. I email my agency begging for updates and scour the agency yahoo group photo albums for more pictures of her.

I have been fortunate. I have gotten some updates from both my agency and traveling adoptive parents, and I have received updated photos and even video clips of her. She looks healthy and well cared for which calms me and makes me happy. I want the best for her, of course, but at the same time I want the best for all the children in the care center. This child has been chosen for me and I am honored to have the opportunity to raise her and I will love her unconditionally but I could have just as easily been matched with another child and I would have loved that child as well. Without attachment and devotion and interaction can one really feel love? I know that I stare at her photos and see that she wrinkles up her brow like I do and has an adorable button nose like my sister. I find similarities in her personality as well when I read the comments on her temperament. I already feel like she is a part of my family and I am dying to meet her but is it love? I know I love the idea of being connected to a culturally rich country with warm, humble people. I love the idea of becoming a mother and getting the opportunity to nurture a child. I love the idea of my house being filled with laughter. I love the idea of my parents seeing me as a mother. I love the opportunity to create memories and traditions. I love her bright eyes and curly hair. And I love that, God willing, she will one day become my daughter.

But do I love her now? Right at this moment, before we've even met? It's hard to say.