As I Wait for My New Courtdate...

My new courtdate was been set for one week from the last courtdate. Six days from now. Being delayed did not take me by surprise. Once I read the paperwork that I received with the referral I knew it was a possibility I wouldn't pass on the first try. Not only was I not surprised, I really wasn't that upset-- of course it helped to have it rescheduled for a week later. (and had they said it would be in April or something, I am sure I would have lost it.) Fact of the matter is, I could use another week to get things ready but at the same time I know each additional day in the orphanage is not the best situation for her. They say for every month in an orphanage expect the child to be 3 months behind developmentally. As far as I know, at this point she still isn't walking which is a bit of a concern considering her age and makes me want to get her home as soon as possible. You hear about all the amazing gains internationally adopted children make when they get home and I am looking forward to that day but the fewer goals we have to meet the better.

The reason for not passing, which I choose to keep private, has made me think a lot about her birth family. As grateful as I am to possibly have the opportunity to raise this child, I can not help to think about how heart-wrenching it must have been for them to make the decision to place her for adoption. I wish there was a way to keep them informed of how she's doing throughout the years. I find myself surprised at this because when considering domestic adoption, I was pretty opposed to the open adoption option. However, in this case I am not opposed and in fact I feel exactly the opposite. I would prefer to have contact with her first family. Is it because it is an international adoption? Maybe. Or perhaps it's because I am in the process now and have really thought a lot about how they must feel. I am really not sure how I got to this point, but I really wish there was a way that I could meet her family and/or keep in touch with them over the years. She will be a daughter to both of us.


This week has been a crazy whirlwind of work obligations and I haven't had much time to process my courtdate nor do any more preparations for her arrival, but I did find a little bit of time to create a gift bag for her and send it to one of the traveling families to give to her. Our agency allows us to send gallon-sized Ziplock bags for our children. I filled mine with a T-shirt, a dress, a bracelet and a disposable camera. I hope someone takes pictures of her for me to have for her first album. Part of me wanted to wait til I passed court to send anything (being superstitious) but I broke down. I wanted her to have something. I am going to create another one for her to get in a couple of weeks when I pass court. This one will have a photo album with pictures of me (once I am legally her mother) and pictures of my house and car. I think there is space for six pictures so I'm thinking

1. one of me with curly hair
2. one of me with straight hair
3. one of her bedroom
4. one of the kitchen
5. one of my bedroom
5. one of the front of the house

I will also put in another outfit, a toy, another bracelet and another camera. I really, really hope someone takes pictures. Those will be the most treasured things to have for the years to come. Any other thoughts on what to include in a gift bag? I would love some ideas!! I was thinking of somehow recording my voice but I can't figure out how to do that. Have I forgotten something obvious?

Today Was Not Meant to Be

Well, as you can see from my new ticker, today was not meant to be the day. I prayed hard last night and I thank you all for your prayers and good thoughts & wishes. I got the call from my social worker this morning giving me the reason for the delay and she assured me that all the paperwork is in order and to plan on passing next time. New courtdate is Feb. 2nd!

I Can Hardly Breathe...

My case is going to be heard in court very soon. Someone thousands of miles away is getting ready to review my file and determine if this bright-eyed little girl is going to become my daughter. Become. My. Daughter. It's surreal to think that tomorrow I may be a mother. I am on pins and needles. It is out of my control. All I can do is wait and pray.

NYC

I took a quick trip to NY this weekend to check out a Broadway play. Fela! was playing at the Eugene O'Neil Theatre. I read a review of it in the NY Times over Christmas and thought it sounded fantastic. Yesterday was showtime so I drove up. I love NYC!

The drive wasn't bad (though the $50 in tolls about killed me! What's up with that?) In tolls alone I paid more than the $36 bus would have been--not to mention gas, wear and tear on my car, and the fact I couldn't sleep or be productive on the trip up. Definitely won't drive next time. But it was so worth it. What an amazing performance! After the play we went to grab a drink. I look straight up Ethiopian in this picture. Don'tcha think?!

I love how NYC makes me feel so alive! I feel like I am living on the pulse of American life. I love how the clubs don't get going til after midnight and you can order sushi at 3 in the morning if you feel like it. I love how you can walk and walk and walk and still be in a commercial area with shops and restaurants. I love how you will never be able to eat in all the restaurants or have a drink in all the bars. I love how beautiful and unique the people are and how incredibly diverse it is. I love the brownstones and the shopping and the artsy scene. I just love NY! Man, if I could get a job there making six figures I'd move back in a heartbeat! It may not be the best city in the world to raise a child, but I still hope I can live there again one day...

Nursery *edited*

I have been going back and forth for months on what room in my house should become the nursery. One room seemed perfect. It was in the back of the house overlooking the yard and got lots of light and very quiet. I moved all her things in there and made a plan. But when I got matched with a toddler and not an infant that ideal room was no longer ideal. You see, you have to go through another room to get to that quiet back room because it is an addition. That would mean I could possibly have a toddler wandering through the den or the walk-in-closet at any time--and in the middle of the night when I am sleeping doesn't seem like such a good idea.

So, the room decision has been made for me and with only nine days til court I think it's time I start putting it together! Here's the 'before' photo.


(Yeah, it's a huge mess!! I have too much stuff!!)


(angle from the other side of the room)

Here's the plan:

* clean out all the crap
* put crib in the corner where the computer is
* paint a white tree in that corner
* get rid of the blinds with the dangerous cords and replace them with cheap-o paper ones
* hang the mini lanterns
* remove all my stuff from the shelves (or at least the bottom two) and replace them with baskets for her diapers, socks, tights, pj's etc.
* put a table and chairs in there for her to create art (I'm planning to raise an artsy, tennis player :))
* hang a wire to display her artwork
* integrate my butterfly theme somehow


This is going to be fun!

Each New Day Brings Possibilities!

I had a really shitty week. Well, it started out that way anyway.

Work stuff.
Man stuff.
Personal stuff.
World stuff.

I cried.

A lot.

But as the week progressed, it got better. Through conversation and corroboration; realization and cessation; confrontation and determination; information and donations... my tears stopped.

Although I often feel alone, I really am not. I am surrounded by love and support. Sometimes those of us who live alone-- sole breadwinners forced to take care of everything by ourselves--sometimes we feel overwhelmed. Sometimes we forget that there are people who want to support us. Being 100% responsible for everything can get overwhelming for me at times but then I am reminded that there are a lot of people who care, who love me and who love my daughter.

This week, along with the stress of my life, I was also overwhelmed by the outpouring of support I received from friends and acquaintances --most of whom didn't even realize I was having a rough week. I got wisdom and support from friends. Some with thoughtful conversation, another in cards. Two people I just met last week reached out in unexpected ways: one, an adoptive parent herself, alerted me to resources in the community for adoptive parents; another, with his children grown and living on their own, said he'd be available to be part of my village if I needed him. In addition to all that, several people gave gifts --diapers, a changing pad, clothing and a lovely, decorated canister where I can store notes I write to my daughter. I also got word that people from my agency will be traveling to Ethiopia soon. One will take photos of my girl and the other will bring her gifts. Almost all of the people who reached out to me this week I barely know and several I have never met! It's a nice reminder that I am meeting people all the time--through work, volunteering, the internet, through friends, etc. --and you never really know why that person has been brought into your life or how they are going to affect you.

Each new day is the possibility for something wonderful and new. I love that!

Reality is Setting In

I went in to talk to my principal today about leave. I figured that since I could be going on leave in as soon as a month (wait! seriously?! i just realized that! OMG!!) I better let her know. She asked me how long I plan on being out. I told her I would like to take off two months but since it's unpaid I wasn't sure I could afford it. I reminded her that adoptive parents get NO paid leave. It made me incensed all over again. (WTH?! So wrong! But I digress...) She said, "Oh, so have you saved up to make that feasible?" For shock value I responded, "No, I'll be eating tuna fish." But then I told her that I had saved up but that even if I hadn't, I would take off and deal with it because bonding with this child is more important than my savings account. I am reminded at how clueless companies are when it comes to adoption. Bio parents get 6-8 weeks paid to "heal" yet adoptive parents get nothing even though we may have sick children we are picking up, we may get sick on the trip, adopted kids/parents may suffer from PTSD, depression, have RAD to deal with, etc. and bonding must take place. I know I'd rather deplete my savings account to aid in the bonding process if it means a better future for my daughter and our family --but it shouldn't have to be that way. It's not fair. Yeah, life's not fair but I am still angry about it.

I did find out this one nice piece of news, though. I do not have to leave sub plans for the entire absence! My principal said to just leave enough for one week and what my long range goals are and then just plan to check in with my sub from time to time to see if she needs anything. That is such a relief! I am going to call my top three choices tomorrow to see if any of them are interested and available at the end of February/beginning of March. She also suggested that I check into an alternative work schedule when I come back like four days on/one day off if FMLA will allow it. I seem to remember that FMLA didn't have to be consecutive. That would be ideal.

Wow, I can't believe how close this is! Reality is setting in. I have sooo much still to do! I think I need to take off a couple of days to go up to personnel to set up leave and insurance and to work on my TO DO list. Friday there is an Open House at a really great daycare/school. I don't know if they even have fall openings, but if so I would love for my child to attend. I also need to have some doctor's appts. before she arrives. No more pussy-footing around!!

Melkam Ganna!

... a few days late. In Ethiopia, Christmas is celebrated on Epiphany, on January 7th. I called to wish my friend Tefera a Merry Christmas and he invited me to a little celebration at his house yesterday. I went over and spent some time with him, his wife, Zinash, his adorable son Danny and some other family and friends. There was a full spread of Ethiopian yumminess and I got my eat on! I love that I have Ethiopian friends right in my neighborhood who can teach me how to cook authentic dishes and who have a son just a few months younger than my daughter! So amazing! After dinner we watched Ethiopian videos, ate cake and enjoyed an Ethiopian coffee ceremony.

Village

You know the African proverb It takes a village to raise a child? I love that. I love the idea of a whole community being involved in the nurturing and upbringing of children. Grandparents and cousins and neighbors and friends all helping out, pitching in, sharing discipline and knowledge, molding the mind and the morals of young children. Families used to have that when they stayed close to their childhood homes--some still do. Unfortunately my family is very spread out. My parents met when my dad was in graduate school and they raised us where ever his job took them. Growing up, I lived in 3 US cities and one foreign country, none being where their parents or siblings lived. I didn't have the experience of growing up with cousins and grandparents nearby. Now don't get me wrong, it wasn't without its good points. I got to live abroad and had an amazing experience in an international school. I also learned how to be flexible and adaptable. And all the traveling gave me an adventurous side that most of my friends don't have. I have picked up and moved to cities all by myself; I have traveled alone around Europe and Africa; I faced my fears and traveled to places where I wanted to experience the culture first hand and it has made me a more empathetic, more understanding, more cultured, more interesting. I wouldn't trade those experiences for the world but now, as an adult, as I find myself living in a city without any family and I realize the void of not having them around. My grandparents have since passed on but fortunately I do have good relationships with my parents, two sisters and five first cousins... though none of them live nearby. In fact, we live in six different cities. This didn't seem to bother me all that much in the last twenty years since I have been out on my own but now that I am bringing home my daughter is has become so much more desired. I do not have a large village of family and that scares me.

I have a good job, I have a nice home, I have nice neighbors, I have good friends--but I do not have family around and, oh, how I wish I did. Family will love this little girl like no one else. Family would stop by when I need to shower or shop or nap. Family would even probably babysit for free! But for now I am here. My job is here. My mortgage needs to be paid. I can't sell my house at this time and I bought it with my daughter in mind anyway. It's in a quiet neighborhood, it has a fairly spacious backyard, it's within walking distance of tennis courts and a pool. It's less than 15 minutes from all the museums and cultural offerings downtown. It's only 5 minutes from a huge Ethiopian community. And there are some great things that have happened that I didn't expect like my neighbor had a baby and her daughter will be around the same age as mine and my good friend from Ethiopia moved into my neighborhood. And I am building my community by becoming more involved. I didn't join a church but I joined their choir and I signed up to do one of their ministries--tutoring Latin American immigrants in English. Through these activities I am meeting new people and becoming more connected. I also have support through single mothers groups and Ethiopian adoption groups.

There are clearly good things about where I am but having my family here would be so wonderful --the icing on my cake. And it would make my village complete.

Thrift Store Thursday

While in Pittsburgh for Christmas I dragged my mom and aunt into Goodwill to see what they might have. Along with an brand new, unopened Candyland game, I found this:


It's a Kitchen Helper! It retails for $160 new and I got it for $10 !!!!!! Score!

excuse my messy kitchen!

Updates..

I am so excited to find out that many of you are joining me choosing a word for the year. I have been keeping discipline in my mind as I make choices throughout the day and it really has been helpful.

I am also excited that many of you want to do the photography project as well! Please send me a link to your blogs or flickr accounts or wherever you are posting your photos so I can follow along.

Finally, if you are still reading... I GOT A COURT DATE!!! I have been assigned January 26th! If you wouldn't mind, please keep me and my little one in your thoughts and prayers! Thanks!

Welcome Twenty Ten!

Twenty-ten. That sounds pretty cool.
Can I just repeat how am so glad it's a new year, a new decade!

I have chosen Discipline as my word to start the year. Just uttering it makes me nervous because I can honestly say it is something I lack. I figured, though, I need to hold it close and think about it daily in order for me to have any way of becoming the disciplined person I want to be. Do I expect that I will be a disciplined person by the end of the year? No, it's a process; but I hope that by keeping it close it will help me with food choices, workouts, creating time for art, thinking before I speak, keeping a clean home, what I spend my money on, etc. As you can see there's a lot of room for growth!!

It was hard to choose between that and Authenticity which is something I talk about wanting all the time. I am not leading the life that I envision for myself (in too many ways to mention) but it's extremely important for me to figure how to do that. Discipline will be ongoing so I doubt it will be mastered but I will keep Authenticity in the back of my mind as I make choices throughout the year. This is going to be hard... but it allows for small successes along the way. Wish me luck...I'm going to need it!

And for fun, I am going to do Project 365 which basically means take a photo every day for a whole year. If you are interested in seeing my photos you can check them out at my new blog, A Photo a Day in 2010. I plan to take a photo a day (but may only post them once a week or so). Either way, in the end I will have a ton of memories which I will turn into a 365-page hard cover coffee table book to document the year. It sounds like a cool project that will:

* improve my photography skills
* force me to do something creative every day
* document what I expect to be a remarkable year

Let's get this year started!!