Her: "I'd love to come with you to pick up your daughter."
Me: "Really? Wow, that would be great!"
Her: "I'd do it to be supportive of you."
Me: "Wow, thank you so much. That means so much to me that you would want to visit my child's birth country."
Her: "Well, I have absolutely no interest in going to Ethiopia and I will only go if it doesn't conflict with my son's basketball schedule."

Ouch.
Am I being too sensitive?

(btw, this is not the same person who upset me a few days ago)

What's In a Name?

To get my mind off all the maternity leave BS, I have to shift my focus to something less stressful and aggravating. Thank you for your suggestions and supportive comments about that and how to deal with my negative friend. By the way, I did speak to her and she said she didn't realize she was being unsupportive. I believe she will be more sensitive in the future. As far as leave, I haven't figured out what to do. I clearly need more than 12 days, especially considering at least 7 of them will be used up while in Ethiopia. Honestly, I don't understand how it's even legal or why adoptive parents haven't rallied together and created an uproar. Perhaps because the majority are married or have spouses with great benefits or maybe earning an income isn't an issue? I'm not asking to take off an entire year (which I really think is an appropriate amount of time) but just time to get to know her and she, me. Who better to take care of my child than me? I should be the one to feed her, change her, play with her, teach her, interact with her. I should be able to witness the firsts in her life, not some daycare provider. I know it takes a village, but shouldn't I be the primary one to have this role? As that day gets closer and closer I am getting more and more sensitive about the subject and more and more worried about the influences of outsiders. I just really, really want to be there.

On the way home I visited a daycare center. I have to say I was actually pleasantly surprised. It was bright and cheerful and the ten minutes or so that I was in there, the kids seemed happy and well-looked after. I will be going in for a tour next week and putting my name on the waiting list. I know daycare is just something I will have to accept and there are places where my child can thrive.. I know that. I just wish it could just be the two of us.

Anyhoo~ names! Yes, I have been thinking a lot about names lately. It would be great if I already was very attached to a name. It would save so much time! I could start referring to my daughter by the name, I could buy things with her name on it, etc. But waiting to come up with name also makes sense. I think there's a lot to be said for waiting to meet a child (biological or adopted) before making a final decision on a name to see if a name fits. And in my case, not knowing the how old she will be when I pick her up may mean I will keep her given name, particularly if it was given to her by her first family. I think an infant can adapt to a new name fairly quickly but I'm not sure about a toddler.

I won't put my exact list of name choices as it's a great way to get uninvited comments and opinions (been there, done that!) but suffice it to say I like both androgynous names and feminine names. I like the idea of using a family name or an Ethiopian name, too! I think I've narrowed down the list to about fifteen! LOL

Part of the problem is by becoming a parent later in life means you have come across a lot of names by now that you like, names I would have never even considered ten years ago. When I was little I was sure I would name my daughter Jennifer. I loved the name Jennifer. I had a Raggedy Ann doll that I carried with me everywhere, but instead of calling her Ann, I called her Jennifer! That name isn't bad but it isn't in the running. Being an older parent also means that many of your friends already have children and have used names that you like. And then add to that being a teacher for fifteen years and another whole slew of names has to be ruled out. I am getting closer and I will reveal her name before the end of the year! :)


All this thinking of names reminded me of all the crazy unique names I have come across in the classroom over the years...

There was the little girl named Schawntrisicia (pronounced Shawntricia). That was a mouthful and so hard for her to learn to spell. Well, yeah!

And there was the child named Pepsi. A boy. "Like the drink?!", I asked him. A huge smile spread across his face as he proudly told me that yes, he was indeed named after the soda.

And then there was the little girl named Taylor. Cute name, right? Not too unusual. Until you learn her last name was also Taylor. Yup, that's right. Taylor Taylor!

Oh! And let's not forget the twins Greg and Gregory. I kid you not. Or even better, the twins Schillick and Shillack.

(Some people just shouldn't reproduce. Ha!)

Any suggestions for interesting names to go with a 2-syllable last name?

Maternity Leave Update

The topic of maternity leave came up in the staff lounge the other day. We have several new moms on staff and a couple of pregnancies. No new moms were in the room at the time but the others were saying that they were pretty sure all of them took off at least 6 weeks and that the county offered six weeks paid maternity leave. I told them I had already contacted someone in personnel and was told that was not the case; that employees could only use sick leave which at this point, being that I am new to the district, have currently only accrued 2 days (which will become 12 days in the fall). They kept insisting that I was mistaken, that there is maternity leave, and I should check into it again. Our union representative was in the room at the time and she said she would look into it for me. Turns out their IS maternity leave for new moms! Six or eight weeks!

We have a "sick leave bank" to which I belong. This can be used if you are sick and have used all your days sick days. You access days from the bank and that way you can still be paid. This is what new moms can use since pregnancy is considered an illness. "According to the medical profession, a woman is considered temporarily medically disabled for 6 weeks for a regular birth and 8 weeks for a c-section." Of course if they heal from the delivery in one week they don't have to provide any proof (i.e. doctor's note) that they are still recuperating. No. They can just stay home with the new baby and bond for the next five to seven weeks.

So there you have it. If I were having a biological child I could use six or eight weeks from the sick leave bank but as an adoptive parent I get squat.

Boo.

Bad Dream

I had a dream last night. Or maybe it was a nightmare. I woke up with my face still twisted up in pain and my mouth contorted as if silent screams were emanating from deep within.

I dreamt that I got text message from my father. It said, "Congratulations, Mommy. She is so beautiful." I called him right away because at this point I hadn't seen my child. (somehow I knew in the dream he wasn't referring to a photograph). When I called him I discovered he and my mom and my sister had gone to Ethiopia and picked up my child and were caring for her back home. They said they were trying to be helpful because they knew I had to work. I was sick to my stomach. Sick because they got to experience the first meeting at the care center; sick because they got to hold her first; sick because at this point it had been about a week and I was sure my child had bonded to them.

Is it obvious that bonding time with my child is on my mind? Becoming a new mom is when it really sucks to be American. As you can imagine, my maternity benefits are not enviable. Sure, I can take loads of time off--in fact my contract states they will save my job for up to 3 years, but of course this three years is unpaid. Being single, that benefit isn't terribly useful. I was talking to a Canadian friend of mine the other day. She has a newborn at home so I asked her what her paid maternity leave was like and she casually said, "Oh, it's about a year." A year? Really? Really. She gets 15 weeks maternity, paid, and then an additional 35 weeks parental benefits, paid. Yup, that's about a year. I knew Europeans had it good, but Canadians, too?

I'm wondering, how much time should I be taking off? I'd love to take a year but that's not an option. Six months is not really an option either. I imagine my daughter will be somewhere between 6-18 months when I bring her home. For the smoothest transition, to build trust, to ensure bonding how much time do you think I need?

Stealing My Joy

What is it about adoption that makes people think they can say any rude/cruel/thoughtless/insensitive thing that pops into their heads? I don't get how people make comments they wouldn't dare utter to a pregnant woman. Is it because before referral the child doesn't actually seem real so they think their comments are about the process and not about a child or one's love for their future child?

This week's comment was from a really good friend of mine, a single parent herself. Her comments were along the lines of 'I don't think you should have a child. You think it's going to be all fun and games and it's not. It's hard. I don't think you have really thought this through. You should reconsider before it's too late.'

I know she finds single parenting tough and I am very well aware about how challenging it's going to be. But I'm sorry, I find her comments extremely insensitive. Yeah, it's going to be hard but this is still an exciting time for me. I am going to finally become a mom and I am looking forward to all the joy it's going to bring. If I were pregnant I am sure she would never utter those words. Imagine saying that to someone who was pregnant! I'm sure she would have been really hurt if while pregnant with her first baby someone came up to her and said, "You shouldn't have this child. It's going to be a lot of hard work. You should really reconsider before it's too late." Can you imagine how hurtful and inappropriate that would be?

I've blogged about this before but it seems that pregnant women get only sweet and supportive comments about how cute they look and people are always asking them how they are feeling. No one asks them why they are having a baby or how they got pregnant or how much they are spending. They don't have to defend why they chose to have a child biologically. No one asks them if they are concerned about the child's intelligence, the bonding or if the child will be a good fit for the family. No. They have conversations about decorating the nursery and baby names and delivery options. And no one would dare say to a 40+ year old pregnant woman to go terminate because it's going to be hard!

This is not the first time this friend had suggested I not become a parent because of how challenging it's going to be. I am getting tired of defending my choice to adopt and to become a single parent. I don't want to hear comments like this! Why must she continue to steal my joy?

Have a Good Weekend!

It's going to be warm this weekend! I'm so glad it's Spring. I hope the warm weather doesn't distract me too much from working on my dossier. Wish me luck!

cherry blossoms bulletin board by my kindergartners

Good-bye Quiet Vacations

One last day of vacation before back to work I go. Wow. I don't know why, but I just realized that these quiet, do-what-I-please, me-focused vacations are really about to become a thing of the past. This is in fact my last child-free spring break and one of the last vacations where I can really relax, sleep in, and do as I please. Since I don't have the luxury of being able to take an exciting international vacation I utilize my time off with a mix of visiting family and spending time trying to get things done around the house. I really wanted to get a lot done this week (my TO DO list was 5 pages long!) and I am happy to say that I did get quite started on quite a bit-- i.e. identifying odd jobs and hiring someone to take care of them (like fixing the broken drawer in my bathroom, hanging a shelf above my refrigerator, dealing with the moisture in my basement, etc.); removing clutter; setting up the nursery; organizing files, closets and drawers-- and also made time to visit family.

Here are a few pictures from my break.

I ran into some old childhood friends at church. I found out my dear friend Rebecca and her husband are also in the adoption process!

Here's my dad reading the Ethiopian adoption bible copy of Melissa Fay Greene's book I brought for them.


And of course I got some pizza!
It was a great Spring Break!

one more day..

..until I can stop this vegan lifestyle!! I swear, I know it's good for you and all--and the people who eat like this often look like the picture of health-- but it is boring! Yeah, I said it. And I miss cheese. Hmmm... I'm thinking pizza for Easter brunch! Yes!

Spring Break

I am on Spring Break! Yay!! This morning, the first thing on the agenda was to photograph the cherry blossoms before the rain came. I drove downtown, found a great parking space, put 4 quarters in the meter and walked about 20 steps when it started to drizzle.


So, I returned to my car to wait it out. While waiting I took these shots:


After about 15 minutes I hopped out of my car--put another 4 quarters in the meter (1 quarter only gave 7½ minutes) and snapped these right before it started pouring:


The lighting wasn't the greatest but I think I got some pretty decent shots. I really need to study my camera manual this week while I'm off. On the way home I stopped to pump gas. It was there where I spotted a penny on the ground.


Like I have done since I was was about eight years old, I recited "See a penny, pick it up? All day long you'll have good luck. See a penny, let it lie? All good luck will pass you by". As I bent down to pick it up I wondered what good luck I was going to have.

I found out 15 minutes later. When I got home I saw this parked across the street from my house.


The man, an employee of the water company, asked me how long I was going to park in front of my house because he had some work to do. Knowing I hadn't requested any work (and growing concerned as I spotted the front end of his bulldozer with remnants of broken asphalt therein) I asked him to double check the address of the assignment. He repeated my address to me and informed me that he was to begin right away but would call his supervisor to prove to me that this was where he was supposed to be. Turns out he was supposed to be digging up at my street address but in a different quadrant of town! Can you imagine what a mess that would have been if I hadn't been off this week; if I hadn't gotten home in time? Thank goodness for that lucky penny! :-)

Lent Revisited

So, I went hard core and planned to give up:

* meat
* dairy
* eggs
* alcohol
* sweets
* Facebook
* and I was supposed to work out regularly

This is what I did:

I had a few bites of fish but no red meat or poultry. It was really hard at first but then I rediscovered MorningStar Farms. These are really, really good. I eat them with grilled onions, avocado, tomato and I even the rice cheese tastes good on top! I will be eating these regularly. Going meatless also forced me to cook vegetables in interesting ways and I learned some great recipes!


I had a milkshake and occasionally some dairy would pop up in something baked. I missed cheese a lot. There is nothing like a slice of New York Style pizza. Nothing. And I love me some ColdStone. Have you had sweet cream vanilla with Oreos and almonds? Ok, then you understand.

I didn't eat any eggs and didn't miss them at all.

Alcohol was a toughie sometimes--especially when I went out with friends. O'Doul's is a great substitute if you are in the mood for a beer but my problem is I am not really a huge beer drinker to begin with. I like wine and they don't make non-alcoholic wines do they?

Sweets was hands down the hardest. thing. ever. I can't even say I really succeeded here. I mean, I didn't eat any obvious sugary sweets--like ice cream or donuts or candy (well, except when I got the milkshake when I had strep or when the squares of dark chocolate when I was PMSing or the Giaradelli bar when I was in a bad mood) and somewhere along the way I decided if it was made without refined white sugar it was ok--or if it was vegan it was ok, or sometimes I just flat out forgot (like when I put sweetened non-dairy creamers in my coffee). So, yeah.

Facebook wasn't hard after about a week. I almost want to close down my account so I won't go back to my twice-a-day-obsessive-inbox checking-status update posting-no-make-that-five-times-a-day-lame-time-wasting-addiction that I had. It made no sense and it added little value to my day, but there are people on there with whom I have no other way of communicating--like my old friends from when I went to high school in Nigeria. I guess I won't give it up completely.

And finally, working out. Wait, did I say sugar was the most difficult? Scratch that. Working out is where I failed miserably. I can count the number of times I worked out on one hand. :(

One week until Easter. I have been looking forward to it. During the tougher days I kept thinking how great it will be for life to get back to normal, to be able to order anything off a menu or pour myself a glass of wine after a rough day-- but what I realize is that I don't really want to go back to my "normal life". Believe it or not, I think I might actually like this new lifestyle. You see, at first I would go hog wild on Sundays and eat everything in sight but then I noticed a pattern. I would feel like crap and the horrible feeling would last thru Tuesday! It's not worth it. Realistically I know I can't stay a vegan--and truthfully, I don't want to--but I will eat like this often. And what I will now focus on are the two things that were the most challenging--sweets and exercise.

To begin with I am going to continue to ignore all the treats in the teacher's lounge. I work at a place with a lot of nice people. When they go on a trip they bring back a treat (this week: salt water taffy); when it's someone's birthday they bake a cake (this week: homemade yellow cake with chocolate icing); when there are meetings they set out the leftovers(this week: brownies);when they want to say thank you they bring in something edible (this week: Dunkin' Donuts); to celebrate a new month there is a breakfast (this month: bagels, fruit salad, egg casserole, hash browns, baked goods, juice, coffee--and this was a lighter version of the normal breakfast). I kid you not! All those things were in the lounge this week--salt water taffy, cake, brownies, donuts, and a full-on breakfast. And I was good. From that whole list all I had was...



Yup. A cup of coffee (and there is a banana in my school bag). I ignored all of those treats!! Why? Because it was Lent but clearly I can't go back after Easter. What I don't get is why the pounds haven't been falling off?? What's up with that?

So, yeah, the focus after Easter will be on laying off of sweets and working out. It's spring! A time for renewal and growth, fresh and new things! Plus I still have 17 pounds to lose.

Anyone else doing something new for spring?

Cribs

I have started looking into nursery furniture and I thought I would start with the crib. (Actually, I started with bedding as it was recommended that I buy that before I paint the nursery and while thinking about bedding I started thinking about cribs.)

Anyhoo~I was looking at cribs and bedding and I started reading how dangerous cribs can be (splinters, injuries, entrapment, strangulation, etc.). So then I looked at the bumpers created to protect the babies from the slats only to discover that they, too, can pose a suffocation or strangulation hazard. So I figured I would buy a crib without slats-- but there appears to be no such thing!

Can anyone explain why they continue to design cribs with slats if the slats are hazardous as well as the bumpers used to cover them?

I mean, seriously, wtf?