No, actually I'm just too busy to get upset.
My daughter's teacher has said a few things to me that could cut you like a knife if you were the sensitive type. OK, I am totally and overwhelmingly the sensitive type so it's clear that I'm just be too busy to think much about it.
You know how she spent the night at her house a couple of weeks ago? Well we are planning for another overnight next weekend so she and I have been preparing Almi. Not that she needs it cause she had a grand old time. Ms. E keeps asking her, "You want to go to Ms. E's house?" to remind her how she went before. Well, the other day when I was dropping her off Ms. E said to me with a chuckle, "I asked Naomi, 'You want to go home with Mommy or Ms. E?' and I couldn't believe it she said Ms. E!" Ouch, I thought but I kind of laughed along with her and said something like, "Good, let me know when!" Later on that day it started to bother me. Chalk it up to the insecurities you get with having an adopted child. Gosh, is she happier hanging out with Ethiopian people instead of home with me? Am I not a fun enough Mommy? Am I too hard on her? Are we not doing enough fun things? Is she having attachment issues? Or the dreaded thought that you can't keep from thinking, Does she not love me? Those flippant comments can really eat you up!!
But then I started thinking about it more. Of course she wants to go back! Ms. E and her extended family gave her all the milk and crackers and juice that she wanted. Ms. E's niece was there and the two of played and played and played some more. She didn't go to bed until 11:30! Ms. E wasn't laundry, washing dishes, making Almi wait around for dinner to be prepared, etc. She was just one of many adults around and Almi had a playmate so she was constantly entertained. (Oh, and I forgot this tidbit which stung at the time: When I picked her up after that overnight, Ms. E said, "When she woke up in the morning she did not ask for you, not one time. And when I asked her if she wanted to call you she said, 'No!' I couldn't believe that little girl.)
When she made the same comment as above the other day I was totally fine with it and I fully meant when I said, "Great! Let's plan another overnight visit!!" I'm happy that Almi is happy there. Ms. E treats her like family and we are very blessed to have her for a teacher.
Meanwhile, though, this other comment she said didn't roll off my back so quickly. I have been having difficulty with Almi's behavior. I haven't blogged about it too much because I am not sure if it is typical two year old behavior or is it just her personality. I also wonder if it's a result of my parenting or does it stem from her diet, vaccinations or antibiotics. But suffice it to say that she can be difficult with a capital D. It pretty much started this summer when she turned two. Before that she was the sweetest, most compliant baby. She was so happy all the time so I initially chalked up the radical change to her being in the terrible twos. But, again, when you are an adoptive parent so many other things creep into your mind. Are these behaviors due to attachment issues? Is she grieving? And then add to that my growing knowledge of nutrition and wellness, well I don't know if her acting out is related to other outside factors. Man, did I cause this? Should I have said no to antibiotics for her ear infections? Should I have held my ground and not vaccinated her? Am I feeding her the wrong things? Parenting is the most guilt inducing and producing profession, I am sure of that!!!
So, I picked her up the other day and Ms. E says, "I don't know what's going on with your child." Ugh. No parent wants to hear those words. "She comes in and won't say hi or smile to nobody. Everybody say, 'Good morning Naomi' and she won't say hello and looks so angry." Well, she's right about that and it bothers me to no end! I know she's only two but it is impolite. But it's also not something that children often do. I know some kids come in to class in a bad mood for whatever reason and take a while to warm up, but Almi will be fine in the car going over there but as soon as she walks in the door she gets grouchy and won't speak. It drives me crazy! And she knows it drives us crazy so she continues to do it.
But the comment really hurt me because I take it personally, like I am not raising a happy child or I am raising an impolite child.
And then she went on. "And she won't listen. All day long she tell us no. (preaching to the choir, sister) When she gets up from her nap we tell her to go potty and she says no and cries and cries. When we tell her to clean up she cries." She gave another example or two and then gave me with a confused and frustrated look.
I didn't know what to tell her because she can be that way at home as well. When she gets up in the morning she refuses to go potty. She can wake up dry and it's still a battle sometimes to get her to go to the bathroom before we go to school. Same with getting dressed. She is just oppositional for no apparent reason. This morning she was in time out because she was screaming and fighting me to not take off her pajamas. I am getting better at reasoning with her now that she has more language. I can tell her as she's fighting me about putting on her coat at day care pick up that she won't get any books at bedtime if she continues and she will acquiesce. And I have just started to be able to use a two minute warning so she knows what's to come. Like "Almi, two more minutes of Elmo and then Mommy's going to turn off the TV" and that is helping.
But the daily battles to get dressed, go potty, not run down the street when getting in and out of the car, hold my hand in a parking lot, eat certain foods, let me brush her teeth, etc. are frustrating. Luckily there are certain things she rarely fights me on. Those include putting on the clothes I choose, taking a bath, and going to sleep once I shut the door and walk away. So I can't complain too much.
But when the teacher attributes it to something being wrong with my child, well I can't lie. That cuts to the bone.
Showing posts with label attachment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label attachment. Show all posts
3.11.2011
7.27.2010
Behavior, Attachment and Daycare. Oh My!
For a minute there I thought my daughter had perfected whining. It was becoming her normal voice but thankfully it has become less frequent. I think the increase in hitting, acting out and whining were all related to a recent ear infection and thankfully even though she does occasionally misbehave when she's feeling well, she is for the most part a very sweet girl. Yes, she's two and behaviors like that are to be expected, but as an adopted child I am always on the look out for other reasons behind her behaviors.
I posted that video on her hitting cause I wanted to document it. We have worked on it and she rarely does it now but I'm glad I had my camera available when it happened. I wondered if all children went through a stage of hitting. She never hit me before she went into daycare so I wondered if it was a learned behavior, developmental or something else? For one, it was a good lesson to me that no matter how good of a parent I think I am, no matter how great my classroom management is as a teacher, no matter how well-behaved my preschool students were in the classroom, no matter how many times I shook my head when I saw other people's children acting up -- it all changes when you are a parent. They test you. Children test you. Period.
But I also wonder all the time how much of this is adoption related so I have been rereading articles on attachment this week. If I compare what we experienced in Ethiopia to what we are experiencing now, I would say in the most simplest of terms that she was not attached then but she is now. But I can't really be sure. Friends comment on our great attachment. But as the excerpts below indicate, a child may look attached and not actually be.
Children who are adopted after the age of 6 months are at risk for attachment problems. Normal attachment develops during the child's first two years of life. Problems with the mother-child relationship during that time, orphanage experience, or breaks in the consistent caregiver-child relationship interfere with the normal development of attachment. There are a wide range of attachment problems that result in varying degrees of emotional disturbance in the child. One thing is certain; if an infant's needs are not met consistently, in a loving, nurturing way, attachment will not occur normally. When the first-year-of-life attachment-cycle is undermined and the child’s needs are not met, and normal socializing shame is not resolved, mistrust begins to define the perspective of the child and attachment problems result. The cycle can become undermined or broken for many reasons:
· Multiple disruptions in care giving
·Post-partum depression causing an emotionally unavailable mother
· Hospitalization of the child causing separation from the parent and/or unrelieved pain
· Parents who are attachment disordered, leading to neglect, abuse (physical/sexual/verbal), or inappropriate parental responses not leading to a secure/predictable relationship
· Genetic factors
· Pervasive developmental disorders
· Caregivers whose attachment needs are not met, leading to overload and lack of awareness of the infants needs
My daughter has been with me since she was 21 months of age. But before that she had multiple care givers and lived in several different places. She lived with her biological mother for quite some time and from what I read about her story I wouldn't be surprised if her mother suffered from post-partum depression. I don't doubt for a minute that her mother loved/loves her, but the circumstances were extremely difficult and if one is considering adoption I imagine you might try to keep some emotional distance between you and your child. I can't speak for her and since my agency doesn't facilitate introductions between bio and birth families I never got the opportunity to meet her and talk to her unfortunately, so I can only speculate about the level of attachment they experienced.
After relinquishment, Almi experienced multiple care givers until I came into her life in March. I have been consistently in her life since then, but she was in an orphanage longer and she was with her mother longer. Should I really assume at this point that she is attached to me? Why would she be when in her experience I am just another caregiver. Sure, she calls me mommy and gives me hugs and sometimes cries when I leave but does she really know, really know, that I am here to stay? Thinking about changing her caregivers again by possibly putting her in a new school in the fall is stressing me out. I still haven't come to a decision about that. Sure, it's more convenient for me and it's cheaper for me but is best for her?
So how does one distinguish the difference between a child who "looks"attached and a child who really is making a healthy, secure attachment? This question becomes important for adoptive families because some adopted children will form an almost immediate dependency bond to their adoptive parents. To mistake this as secure and healthy attachment can lead to many problems down the road. just because a child calls someone "Mom" of "Dad", snuggles, cuddles, and says, "I love you," does not mean the child is attached or even attaching. Saying, "I love you," and knowing what that really feels like, can be two different things. Attachment is a process. It takes time. The key to its formation is trust, and trust becomes secure only after repeated testing. Generally attachment develops during the first two to three years of life. The child learns that he or she is loved and can love in return. The parents give love and learn that the child loves them. The child leans to trust that his needs will be met in a consistent and nurturing manner. The child learns that he "belongs" to his family and they to him. It is through these elements that a child learns to love, and how to accept love.
You can read the whole article here.
How much time is necessary for attachment I wonder? Is 4 months enough time for an adopted child to attach? To trust? To feel secure? I like that she is independent and expressive (and yes, this includes acting out) because in my mind that means she is becoming secure. I think she knows being disciplined for hitting doesn't mean I don't love her or won't stay but rather that hitting is wrong. I really do think she loves me and trusts me, but as a natural worrier I have my doubts and without bio kids to compare her to I have only my own instincts to go on. Deep down I think going to a new school will be ok with her, especially if I keep a babysitter from her old daycare, and I will be right down the hall every day. That should help. But I don't know for sure. I am going to use my beach vacation as time to think and reflect on it. When I get back hopefully the new site will be built so I can see the physical space and meet her new teachers and if I like it, and if there is still space available, I will look at as a sign to go ahead and make the switch. Dang! This parenting thing is hard work!
I posted that video on her hitting cause I wanted to document it. We have worked on it and she rarely does it now but I'm glad I had my camera available when it happened. I wondered if all children went through a stage of hitting. She never hit me before she went into daycare so I wondered if it was a learned behavior, developmental or something else? For one, it was a good lesson to me that no matter how good of a parent I think I am, no matter how great my classroom management is as a teacher, no matter how well-behaved my preschool students were in the classroom, no matter how many times I shook my head when I saw other people's children acting up -- it all changes when you are a parent. They test you. Children test you. Period.
But I also wonder all the time how much of this is adoption related so I have been rereading articles on attachment this week. If I compare what we experienced in Ethiopia to what we are experiencing now, I would say in the most simplest of terms that she was not attached then but she is now. But I can't really be sure. Friends comment on our great attachment. But as the excerpts below indicate, a child may look attached and not actually be.
Children who are adopted after the age of 6 months are at risk for attachment problems. Normal attachment develops during the child's first two years of life. Problems with the mother-child relationship during that time, orphanage experience, or breaks in the consistent caregiver-child relationship interfere with the normal development of attachment. There are a wide range of attachment problems that result in varying degrees of emotional disturbance in the child. One thing is certain; if an infant's needs are not met consistently, in a loving, nurturing way, attachment will not occur normally. When the first-year-of-life attachment-cycle is undermined and the child’s needs are not met, and normal socializing shame is not resolved, mistrust begins to define the perspective of the child and attachment problems result. The cycle can become undermined or broken for many reasons:
· Multiple disruptions in care giving
·Post-partum depression causing an emotionally unavailable mother
· Hospitalization of the child causing separation from the parent and/or unrelieved pain
· Parents who are attachment disordered, leading to neglect, abuse (physical/sexual/verbal), or inappropriate parental responses not leading to a secure/predictable relationship
· Genetic factors
· Pervasive developmental disorders
· Caregivers whose attachment needs are not met, leading to overload and lack of awareness of the infants needs
My daughter has been with me since she was 21 months of age. But before that she had multiple care givers and lived in several different places. She lived with her biological mother for quite some time and from what I read about her story I wouldn't be surprised if her mother suffered from post-partum depression. I don't doubt for a minute that her mother loved/loves her, but the circumstances were extremely difficult and if one is considering adoption I imagine you might try to keep some emotional distance between you and your child. I can't speak for her and since my agency doesn't facilitate introductions between bio and birth families I never got the opportunity to meet her and talk to her unfortunately, so I can only speculate about the level of attachment they experienced.
After relinquishment, Almi experienced multiple care givers until I came into her life in March. I have been consistently in her life since then, but she was in an orphanage longer and she was with her mother longer. Should I really assume at this point that she is attached to me? Why would she be when in her experience I am just another caregiver. Sure, she calls me mommy and gives me hugs and sometimes cries when I leave but does she really know, really know, that I am here to stay? Thinking about changing her caregivers again by possibly putting her in a new school in the fall is stressing me out. I still haven't come to a decision about that. Sure, it's more convenient for me and it's cheaper for me but is best for her?
So how does one distinguish the difference between a child who "looks"attached and a child who really is making a healthy, secure attachment? This question becomes important for adoptive families because some adopted children will form an almost immediate dependency bond to their adoptive parents. To mistake this as secure and healthy attachment can lead to many problems down the road. just because a child calls someone "Mom" of "Dad", snuggles, cuddles, and says, "I love you," does not mean the child is attached or even attaching. Saying, "I love you," and knowing what that really feels like, can be two different things. Attachment is a process. It takes time. The key to its formation is trust, and trust becomes secure only after repeated testing. Generally attachment develops during the first two to three years of life. The child learns that he or she is loved and can love in return. The parents give love and learn that the child loves them. The child leans to trust that his needs will be met in a consistent and nurturing manner. The child learns that he "belongs" to his family and they to him. It is through these elements that a child learns to love, and how to accept love.
You can read the whole article here.
How much time is necessary for attachment I wonder? Is 4 months enough time for an adopted child to attach? To trust? To feel secure? I like that she is independent and expressive (and yes, this includes acting out) because in my mind that means she is becoming secure. I think she knows being disciplined for hitting doesn't mean I don't love her or won't stay but rather that hitting is wrong. I really do think she loves me and trusts me, but as a natural worrier I have my doubts and without bio kids to compare her to I have only my own instincts to go on. Deep down I think going to a new school will be ok with her, especially if I keep a babysitter from her old daycare, and I will be right down the hall every day. That should help. But I don't know for sure. I am going to use my beach vacation as time to think and reflect on it. When I get back hopefully the new site will be built so I can see the physical space and meet her new teachers and if I like it, and if there is still space available, I will look at as a sign to go ahead and make the switch. Dang! This parenting thing is hard work!
3.11.2010
Attachment
When Naomi first met me it took her quite awhile to warm up to me. Though she didn't cry much, she wasn't giving me any eye contact. She'd take a quick glance at me from time to time but that first day she didn't hold her gaze. It wasn't for a couple of days that she would look at me for more than a few seconds. I read that maintaining eye contact was one good way to form attachment and since she loves to eat I decided to try to incorporate the two. I figured since she followed the spoon when eating that if I put it close to my eyes she would look at me. I started this on the second day home and I think it has helped tremendously with our attachment.
Here is a video of me feeding her this way. How cute is this??
Other things I have been doing are baby wearing, co-sleeping and doing all of the feeding/changing/bathing.
I bought an ERGO and she gets into it but doesn't like to be in for more than about an hour. My plan before I brought her home was to wear her for 5 hours a day. Ha! Yeah, no. First of all, she's heavy--about 24 pounds. But I would suck it up if she'd let me but she starts to complain after about an hour. I can put her in it to do some things around the house or if I have to walk somewhere but not for as long as I had hoped. Still, I think she does feel safe inside it:
We have also been sleeping together since attachment can build during the night. I didn't want her to sleep alone anyways since she never has. Even though I am having her crib set up this weekend it will be my room. I only have another month off and want to get as attached as possible. Maybe I will have her sleep in her own room when I am ready to go back to work; maybe not. Not sure at this point. Here we are in Ethiopia. I was exhausted! I am getting more sleep now than I was there.. it's not so bad.
The other thing I am doing is being responsible for all of her needs so she can learn who momma is and who to go to for comfort and care. It's exhausting, but important. I do all the bathing, feeding (when she'll allow me to), diaper changes, etc. Of course, I am the only one here now but even when friends and family are around I take care of everything. Here are some shots of us in Ethiopia, including her first (and only) bath there-- the water was so cold in our guesthouse!
I'd like to say my efforts are paying off. It seems that way to me anyways. She is giving me more eye contact and comes to me when scared or tired. I was complaining to my cousin that she goes to him for laughs and playtime and to me when she's cranky and crying but now that it's just the two of us, I get both. She has definitely turned a corner since meeting her in Ethiopia last week. I get real laughter and I can see trust developing. When she wakes up from her nap I find her sitting up in bed waiting patiently for me and not crying --she must trust I am nearby. She can also now let me out of her sight for a few moments as well. Baby steps. We're coming along.
Check out these pics of my smiley girl from tonight when we were playing around after bathtime. (excuse the snotty nose.. I can't wipe it enough!)
Here is a video of me feeding her this way. How cute is this??
Other things I have been doing are baby wearing, co-sleeping and doing all of the feeding/changing/bathing.
I bought an ERGO and she gets into it but doesn't like to be in for more than about an hour. My plan before I brought her home was to wear her for 5 hours a day. Ha! Yeah, no. First of all, she's heavy--about 24 pounds. But I would suck it up if she'd let me but she starts to complain after about an hour. I can put her in it to do some things around the house or if I have to walk somewhere but not for as long as I had hoped. Still, I think she does feel safe inside it:
We have also been sleeping together since attachment can build during the night. I didn't want her to sleep alone anyways since she never has. Even though I am having her crib set up this weekend it will be my room. I only have another month off and want to get as attached as possible. Maybe I will have her sleep in her own room when I am ready to go back to work; maybe not. Not sure at this point. Here we are in Ethiopia. I was exhausted! I am getting more sleep now than I was there.. it's not so bad.
The other thing I am doing is being responsible for all of her needs so she can learn who momma is and who to go to for comfort and care. It's exhausting, but important. I do all the bathing, feeding (when she'll allow me to), diaper changes, etc. Of course, I am the only one here now but even when friends and family are around I take care of everything. Here are some shots of us in Ethiopia, including her first (and only) bath there-- the water was so cold in our guesthouse!
I'd like to say my efforts are paying off. It seems that way to me anyways. She is giving me more eye contact and comes to me when scared or tired. I was complaining to my cousin that she goes to him for laughs and playtime and to me when she's cranky and crying but now that it's just the two of us, I get both. She has definitely turned a corner since meeting her in Ethiopia last week. I get real laughter and I can see trust developing. When she wakes up from her nap I find her sitting up in bed waiting patiently for me and not crying --she must trust I am nearby. She can also now let me out of her sight for a few moments as well. Baby steps. We're coming along.Check out these pics of my smiley girl from tonight when we were playing around after bathtime. (excuse the snotty nose.. I can't wipe it enough!)
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