Too Busy to Post..

.. this daily April posting thing is hard!..but I wanted to say thank you for all the supportive comments! Yes, maybe you are right. Maybe I am being too hard on myself. She is only 2. Well, 2yrs.10 months but technically still 2 (and I'm holding on to that age as long as possible... she is growing up WAY too fast!!)

I think the fact that I am doing this solo means I probably get more fed up or lose my patience more than couples or singles with family or help because they get a break from it. Here, it's all me, all the time. (But not for long! Soon, my new nanny Donna will be around to help out!)

And, one more thing, yes, her report card is totally lame. There is a long checklist where she can get a 1,2,3 or a 4 but the comments are seriously lacking. I was really, really disappointed when I first saw it last fall because as a new parent I was hanging on every word of teachers. I was so looking forward to getting a lengthy report card full of anecdotes and quotes and tidbits on my girl, giving me an insight into the day that I was missing but not so much. It was especially hard because I used to teach preschool and we did just that. The report cards were narratives, 3 pages long, full of information and the parent-teacher conferences were 45 minutes long! Great for the parents.

Almi's school? Nope, no such luck. But that school where I taught came with a hefty tuition fee. The 3 day a week half day program (8:30a.-12pm) will set you back $16,960! Seriously. And full day for preschool? A staggering $26,810. You better provide a 3 page narrative and 45 minute parent teacher conference for that! Meanwhile, Almi's full day program (7am-6pm) only costs me $285/wk. Ridiculously low for this area. I can't expect too much for that. Yeah, the report card sucks but I can't expect to get what high-end private schools provide. She's learning a lot, her teachers love her and most importantly she is happy to go each day. I mean, seriously. Look at that face!!

Oh, Parenting

The other day, when I dissolved into tears after putting Almi down to bed, I got online and ordered some parenting books. As a teacher, one with excellent classroom management, it's hard to see yourself having such a hard time with your child. I mean, I can handle 20 plus Kindergartners, why can't I handle a two year old? Well, it's totally different. I don't know how but it just is. Factor in her age, her adoption, my insecurities, her needs, our personalities, my need for control, her need for control, my need for approval, her need for independence... well, it's just different. And trust me when I tell you, before I had children I really didn't like being around them (after work that is). If they were in the next booth at the restaurant I was annoyed. I didn't want to hear their whining or crying during my meal so I am extra sensitive when she acts up in public because I know most people aren't sympathetic. They want me to get her to stop.

I don't even remember what she did now and thankfully she doesn't reduce me to tears too often. I was probably just extra tired and stressed out. For the most part she is a good little girl but she likes to test me and to express her growing independence. She stomps her foot at me when she's angry (I try not to laugh because though not appropriate it is so darn cute), she yells "no!!" a lot and whines way too much. What is it with the whining?! Man, that's annoying. I don't know where she picked that up but that is one of the first things I want to stop. She's better behaved than many, but has room for improvement in my book.

So, through my tears and aggravation, I caved and ordered parenting books. That was a hard pill to swallow--I never thought I would need to do that-- but I bit the bullet and did. And I am glad I did. Why suffer through trying different techniques and strategies? Why not just do what the experts say works? And if my child's behavior is in part a reflection of my parenting, well then help a sistah out! One of the books didn't bowl me over but I am most impressed with 1*2*3 Magic. I haven't finished reading it yet but I have still started to implement the strategies. So far, so good. I'm confident when I finish the book and do it properly that it will work with her. Yes! Basically, from what I have read so far, it is used to stop behaviors you don't want (like tantrums, whining, etc.) When the unwanted behavior starts, you tell your child, "That's one" and wait to see if they change the behavior. Most two year olds won't so in a few seconds you say, "That's two" as you hold up two fingers. Again, you give the child about five seconds or so to think about the consequences of their actions. If you get to three a consequence is administered. It can be a time out (the number of minutes equaling the child's age) or taking away something of importance to them like TV or dessert or something appropriate for your household and your child's age. Then, after the time out, there is no discussion about it. Everything just goes back to normal. It avoids yelling and lectures and hitting and drama. All of which I am trying to avoid.

I know the adoption community is against time outs. The fear I guess is we don't want the child to feel a sense of abandonment all over again. I don't know if I agree with this. I mean, she would only be in time out for two minutes. She is alone for more than two minutes when I run to the bathroom, grab a phone call or if she is playing while I am cooking dinner. I don't think she will be scarred for life for a two minute time out and the beauty of it is it gives both parent an child time away from each other to cool down and think. Sometimes my time out chair is within view though I do think there is something to be said for removing a child from a situation sometimes even if he/she is adopted. And I feel my daughter is attached so that certainly factors in but in the end I guess each parent needs to decide what is best for his/her child.

There is more to it and, like I said, haven't read the whole book but it seems to be working so far. If she starts acting up and I get to 2, she yells, "No two! No two!!" and I respond, "Well, then stop doing XYZ so I don't get to 3" and she usually does. I hear that after awhile all you have to do is calmly say, "That's 1" and the behavior stops immediately. I look forward to that day!

Having my child listen to me the first time a direction is given and to be pleasant more often than no, is my goal. She's a toddler so tantrums and defiance are part of the age, but I don't want to be the parent with the screaming four year old in the candy aisle of the grocery store and I don't want to be the parent who gets calls from her Kindergarten teacher for poor choices in school. She's only two but I got my first taste of that the other day when I got Almi's report card. It wasn't a total shock since they have been telling me for a couple of months now that she is having a hard time listening, but it is hard to see it in black and on her formal report card. For posterity.



My goal is to have the 4th reporting period end on a good note. I want to see them write that she has done an excellent job with listening or improved her listening skills or something like that. I know we can't completely control how our children act, and some children have physical, emotional or mental health issues that make compliance more difficult, but we can still try to instill values and appropriate behavior into our children--even our toddlers! They may not become ingrained until they are 25 but at least we can try. Or at least I will try.

**P.S. - Happy 86th birthday, Dad! ♡♡♡ I love you!! ♡♡♡

Yeah, I Said No Baking but...

it was necessary. As were the wheat cracker samples in the grocery store.

I had to work late. I had much to catch up on so I wasn't able to pick Naomi up until 6:00. She was happy to see me but, like usual, her uber-happy personality slips away within a few minutes of my arrival. "She's happy all day long!," one of the new teachers shared with me as we walked to the car but I had to shake my head in aggravation as she was already in tears. I don't know what set her off. Did she want to go to the playground instead of the car? Did she want to continue to follow her friend down the sidewalk? Did she think they were going to play together outside or that evening? Was she annoyed that I reminded her not to run into the street and then took her hand in the parking lot? Was she hungry? Was she tired?

And the screams continued into the night. I take the blame for running errands with her already in a "mood" but she is like that so often that if I didn't risk it from time to time I would get nothing done! So we went to the bank and to the grocery store. I tried to head off another bout of tears by offering her my leftover cheese stick from lunch in case it was hunger-related. But she cried when she asked for more and I told her there wasn't anymore. She cried when she asked to stop at the playground when I told her it would have to wait til Saturday. She cried when we parked at Trader Joe's. She cried when we started into the store. She cried when I wouldn't buy the pack of the more expensive premolded hamburger meat. She cried several more times when I wouldn't place the items she requested into the cart. Finally, I had to cut the shopping trip short. She was getting really loud, disturbing other shoppers--not to mention embarrassing me!

I tried ignoring her outbursts. The first 5 or so were short the last 2 were long and loud. How does one deal with this? I had more items I needed to purchase but to cart around a screaming child in the store is not my idea of a good time. And it was late so I figured she was hungry and tired and really should make it quick.

But the thing is, even if you are hungry and even if you are two, you know that this is not appropriate. Don'tcha think? Cause not all toddlers do this! Yes, a lot do. I know that--but I don't want my child to! I think back to when I volunteered in Ethiopia and watched with utter astonishment how perfectly well-behaved those children were. They rarely cried or whined and never acted out. They sat still on the potty every morning for upwards of 30 minutes without a single complaint. They sat lined up against the wall at a party waiting for their cookie and juice and sat and ate their treats quietly and didn't ask for more. They sat quietly while their hair was twisted and braided and beaded for long periods of time. They waited patiently at meal time while their injera was covered with wot. They were angels. Always.

American kids? Not so much. Or should I say, kids parented by Americans. My daughter can be defiant and whiny. She yells and screams. She blatantly disobeys and screams no in my face. She stomps her foot. She's also sweet and affectionate and cuddly and funny and thoughtful and empathetic. In fact, she is all of those things every day. But the days where she is also like she was today have me filling up my wine glass and frantically searching Amazon for parenting books. 1-2-3 Magic; The Pocket Parent; Unconditional Parenting... they are all on my wish list cause I want to be better at this! I want to let her behavior roll of my back with the confidence that she is 'just being two'. I want to not feel so frustrated and inadequate. I want to enjoy parenting more.

Ouch. That totally broke my heart to type because I love my daughter so much! But she can be so difficult sometimes! I know that her energy and flair and sense of humor and exuberance and intensity and charisma are great characteristics. I know that she could channel this and become an amazing athlete, scholar or performer. These characteristics are great to have in life not to mention they make her immensely popular with other kids and make her so much fun to be around. But they can be so hard to manage like when I just want to pick up some bloomin' groceries for dinner!

So I cut the shopping trip short, removed my wailing child from the store cart and brought her home. I was too worn down to discipline and instead just tried to ignore the screaming food requests as I sipped on my wine. She eventually calmed down and went to bed without a fuss. And then I went back downstairs and baked. Do you blame me? So excuse me as I go get seconds of my moist pumpkin deliciousness and look forward to tomorrow being a brand new day.

Good night.

*** Edited ***

Good morning. It's a new day! :-D Last night I forgot to mention some things that I was grateful that I was grateful for which kept me from getting too upset despite the rough evening (other than the yummy dessert):

1. Thankfully, that type of evening is atypical!! She can be cranky at meal time but it usually only lasts a couple of minutes and she's usually a champ when we run errands.

2. Whatever was upsetting her didn't affect her sleep. She went right to bed and is still sleeping as I type this quick update.

3. My attorney sent me the petition to adopt that were filing with the court system which I signed, had notarized and returned. I am so grateful we are able to move forward even though I haven't yet located the originals of her paperwork.

4. I found my phone.

5. I hired a nanny! She will start in August!! And I hear she's a great cook as well!

Oh, and it's Friiiiiiidaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Have a good one!

It's Good I Have Thick Skin...

No, actually I'm just too busy to get upset.

My daughter's teacher has said a few things to me that could cut you like a knife if you were the sensitive type. OK, I am totally and overwhelmingly the sensitive type so it's clear that I'm just be too busy to think much about it.

You know how she spent the night at her house a couple of weeks ago? Well we are planning for another overnight next weekend so she and I have been preparing Almi. Not that she needs it cause she had a grand old time. Ms. E keeps asking her, "You want to go to Ms. E's house?" to remind her how she went before. Well, the other day when I was dropping her off Ms. E said to me with a chuckle, "I asked Naomi, 'You want to go home with Mommy or Ms. E?' and I couldn't believe it she said Ms. E!" Ouch, I thought but I kind of laughed along with her and said something like, "Good, let me know when!" Later on that day it started to bother me. Chalk it up to the insecurities you get with having an adopted child. Gosh, is she happier hanging out with Ethiopian people instead of home with me? Am I not a fun enough Mommy? Am I too hard on her? Are we not doing enough fun things? Is she having attachment issues? Or the dreaded thought that you can't keep from thinking, Does she not love me? Those flippant comments can really eat you up!!

But then I started thinking about it more. Of course she wants to go back! Ms. E and her extended family gave her all the milk and crackers and juice that she wanted. Ms. E's niece was there and the two of played and played and played some more. She didn't go to bed until 11:30! Ms. E wasn't laundry, washing dishes, making Almi wait around for dinner to be prepared, etc. She was just one of many adults around and Almi had a playmate so she was constantly entertained. (Oh, and I forgot this tidbit which stung at the time: When I picked her up after that overnight, Ms. E said, "When she woke up in the morning she did not ask for you, not one time. And when I asked her if she wanted to call you she said, 'No!' I couldn't believe that little girl.)

When she made the same comment as above the other day I was totally fine with it and I fully meant when I said, "Great! Let's plan another overnight visit!!" I'm happy that Almi is happy there. Ms. E treats her like family and we are very blessed to have her for a teacher.

Meanwhile, though, this other comment she said didn't roll off my back so quickly. I have been having difficulty with Almi's behavior. I haven't blogged about it too much because I am not sure if it is typical two year old behavior or is it just her personality. I also wonder if it's a result of my parenting or does it stem from her diet, vaccinations or antibiotics. But suffice it to say that she can be difficult with a capital D. It pretty much started this summer when she turned two. Before that she was the sweetest, most compliant baby. She was so happy all the time so I initially chalked up the radical change to her being in the terrible twos. But, again, when you are an adoptive parent so many other things creep into your mind. Are these behaviors due to attachment issues? Is she grieving? And then add to that my growing knowledge of nutrition and wellness, well I don't know if her acting out is related to other outside factors. Man, did I cause this? Should I have said no to antibiotics for her ear infections? Should I have held my ground and not vaccinated her? Am I feeding her the wrong things? Parenting is the most guilt inducing and producing profession, I am sure of that!!!

So, I picked her up the other day and Ms. E says, "I don't know what's going on with your child." Ugh. No parent wants to hear those words. "She comes in and won't say hi or smile to nobody. Everybody say, 'Good morning Naomi' and she won't say hello and looks so angry." Well, she's right about that and it bothers me to no end! I know she's only two but it is impolite. But it's also not something that children often do. I know some kids come in to class in a bad mood for whatever reason and take a while to warm up, but Almi will be fine in the car going over there but as soon as she walks in the door she gets grouchy and won't speak. It drives me crazy! And she knows it drives us crazy so she continues to do it.

But the comment really hurt me because I take it personally, like I am not raising a happy child or I am raising an impolite child.

And then she went on. "And she won't listen. All day long she tell us no. (preaching to the choir, sister) When she gets up from her nap we tell her to go potty and she says no and cries and cries. When we tell her to clean up she cries." She gave another example or two and then gave me with a confused and frustrated look.

I didn't know what to tell her because she can be that way at home as well. When she gets up in the morning she refuses to go potty. She can wake up dry and it's still a battle sometimes to get her to go to the bathroom before we go to school. Same with getting dressed. She is just oppositional for no apparent reason. This morning she was in time out because she was screaming and fighting me to not take off her pajamas. I am getting better at reasoning with her now that she has more language. I can tell her as she's fighting me about putting on her coat at day care pick up that she won't get any books at bedtime if she continues and she will acquiesce. And I have just started to be able to use a two minute warning so she knows what's to come. Like "Almi, two more minutes of Elmo and then Mommy's going to turn off the TV" and that is helping.

But the daily battles to get dressed, go potty, not run down the street when getting in and out of the car, hold my hand in a parking lot, eat certain foods, let me brush her teeth, etc. are frustrating. Luckily there are certain things she rarely fights me on. Those include putting on the clothes I choose, taking a bath, and going to sleep once I shut the door and walk away. So I can't complain too much.

But when the teacher attributes it to something being wrong with my child, well I can't lie. That cuts to the bone.

Parenting Advice

For those of you who have adopted from Ethiopia, did you notice how unbelievably well-behaved the kids were there? I was impressed but also befuddled. I mean, seriously, how were they able to get the kids to do what they got them to do? While there to volunteer, I went to a going away party for a toddler being adopted and they had the the other toddlers there to enjoy the party. They brought the toddlers in and seated them up against the wall while they finished the preparations. I couldn't believe my eyes! Six little toddlers about 2-3 yrs old sat there watching for about 15 minutes while the drinks were poured and cookies put on trays. Then they brought them each a cookie and a cup of juice and they all sat that and ate their snack without getting up. The whole thing lasted abut 30 minutes and none of them got up!

They would sit like this before mealtime as well. The nannies would line them up in the high chairs and they would sit and wait for the food to come. No crying. I'm sure they were hungry sometimes but they never threw tantrums.


Another thing that was amazing was in the orphanage where I volunteered, they put the toddlers on little bowls in the morning to do their business before they dressed them for the day. Since they don't use diapers, they just change them throughout the day as they have accidents, but the morning potty time (I guess) keeps them from having as many accidents.

We would arrive in the morning to volunteer around 8:30 and they would all be seated on their little bowls. They would be so happy to see us and would smile and smile and even scoot up close to us but not one child would get up off that bowl! And sometimes they had them sitting there for 20 minutes. How in the world did they do that? They were just as happy and content (or simply obedient) sitting on that bowl. None of them whined or cried or complained. Utterly amazing!

Having a toddler at home now I am especially impressed. How in the world?! When I had my Ethiopian (Eritrean) nanny stay with me I decided to pick her brain. Perhaps she could give me some insight on how to raise a fantastically well-behaved child. She wasn't comfortably fluent in English so she went home and asked her husband for some advice for me. The next day she me this:

(click to enlarge)

I do time outs, for example, but let me tell you that does not stop a child from crying in public or refusing to eat certain foods--or at least not my daughter. I'm pretty proud of Almi, though. She is pretty good for a 2 year old (very good compared to a lot of American 2 year olds I've met!) but she does not act like I described above. I wish I knew the trick. Any Ethiopians reading my blog? Wanna share the secret?

No Thank You

Toddlers?
Daycare?
Sigh.

Discipline

If you recall, this year instead of making resolutions, I chose to focus on a word and set my goals and create change based on that word. I chose the word discipline. As it's about halfway through the year, it is high time to revisit things and see how I've fared.

Well, to be honest, not that well. Mainly because I completely forgot about it! In fact, I knew my word wasn't authenticity but I couldn't remember what word I had chosen. Professionally I am still completely inauthentic, but personally I am doing pretty well. But that's not my word. My word is discipline and disciplined I am not. Yeah, I've lost ten pounds, found a better job, spend less money, started a basement renovation project, etc. but that had little to do with my own discipline. It's called having a child. Having a kid forced me to become disciplined in ways I couldn't have imagined and I find myself making better choices and being more productive than ever because I know my time is limited and, well, because you just have to. However, there are still two areas where I need to be disciplined:

* my health (so I have the energy to enjoy life more)
* organization (so my limited time is better spent)

In actuality, I could be more disciplined about ten other things but these are the two I am focusing on for the rest of 2010. Now check out some photos of my basement. Oy vey! They are down there now drilling away. I can't wait to show you the finished product!

Someone was underfoot while I was moving things out of the workers' way so I had to put her in the ERGO. She loved being in it so we ended up going for a walk afterwards. An hour walk with an extra 33 pounds in high heat and humidity is no joke!

Wow! I can't believe this big project I'm having done. I feel so grown up!

That's a lot of mess! (I look huge here... please just focus on the baby)

While eating lunch the loud noises got scary and my pumpkin needed out of the highchair and into mama's arms!


Putting baby in the carrier. :)