Tick Tock

I invited some friends to join me for one last single-woman-without-children dinner and to celebrate my life changing event. We broke bread injera together at Almaz Restaurant. It was a nice gathering. Everyone is so excited about my Almaz!

(me with the owner, Mimi)

I have done so much in the last few days. I have worked practically non-stop. I should be done. I feel accomplished. Thing is, there are still many VERY IMPORTANT items left and I am almost out of time!!!! ARRRRRGGGGHH!!!!!!

* install carseat
* firm up ride to and from the airport
* organize paperwork
* organize donations
* pack
* set up the nursery
* clean (i.e. move all things from her reach)
* babyproof (outlets, cabinets, baby gates, window guards, etc.)
* make her doctor's appt.
* color my hair (sounds unimportant until the greys come in and then it's critical!! lol)

Wow. Clearly, it's not getting all done. I am going to just focus on the top five and if the rest get done before travel, great. I totally advise all of you in the paperchase and the waiting phase to do some of these things now!! It seems so far away, like you have all the time in the world but you really do. not. Ok, you are all probably very organized and efficient and good at delegating. I am the only dufus who is trying to do everything herself and then waits til the last possible minute to get it all done. That works when you are trying to write a paper in college but it does not work when you are trying to adopt a child!!!! (Note to self for the next time).

OK. Well, I am going to back to my to do list now. Have a good evening.

And Injera, Too!

As I was making those egg crepes I kept thinking I need to be learning how to make injera. Learning how to make it is certainly not a necessity living in this area; it's easily accessible at the many, many, many Ethiopian restaurants and markets scattered all over the city. Plus, I have Ethiopian friends just up the road who are more than happy to show me how to make authentic injera -- well as authentic as possible considering the altitude and ingredients. Teff is easily available but I think how and where it's grown factors in. But learning how to prepare Ethiopian dishes myself is important to me and injera is eaten at every meal. Whether I make it myself or go out and buy it, I certainly need to stock up because from my experience that is pretty much all she has probably ever eaten. The toddlers in the orphanage where I volunteered ate injera and wot for every single meal. Every. single. day.

I imagine it's the same with Almaz. Add to that that toddlers can be finicky anyway, well having injera in the house at all times (at least in the beginning) is a smart idea.

Well, how happy was I to discover this injera recipe in that same cookbook?! It is a very simplified way to make injera so it probably doesn't taste "authentic" but I'm no injera expert and an Americanized version suits my palate better. The injera in Ethiopia is very dark and very bitter and I actually preferred the version they brought out to farenji in restaurants.

Here's the recipe if you are interested:

If someone tries it, please let me know how it turns out. Thanks!


(Source: Extending the Table... A World Community Cookbook by Joetta Handrich Schlabach)

As I Wait for My New Courtdate...

My new courtdate was been set for one week from the last courtdate. Six days from now. Being delayed did not take me by surprise. Once I read the paperwork that I received with the referral I knew it was a possibility I wouldn't pass on the first try. Not only was I not surprised, I really wasn't that upset-- of course it helped to have it rescheduled for a week later. (and had they said it would be in April or something, I am sure I would have lost it.) Fact of the matter is, I could use another week to get things ready but at the same time I know each additional day in the orphanage is not the best situation for her. They say for every month in an orphanage expect the child to be 3 months behind developmentally. As far as I know, at this point she still isn't walking which is a bit of a concern considering her age and makes me want to get her home as soon as possible. You hear about all the amazing gains internationally adopted children make when they get home and I am looking forward to that day but the fewer goals we have to meet the better.

The reason for not passing, which I choose to keep private, has made me think a lot about her birth family. As grateful as I am to possibly have the opportunity to raise this child, I can not help to think about how heart-wrenching it must have been for them to make the decision to place her for adoption. I wish there was a way to keep them informed of how she's doing throughout the years. I find myself surprised at this because when considering domestic adoption, I was pretty opposed to the open adoption option. However, in this case I am not opposed and in fact I feel exactly the opposite. I would prefer to have contact with her first family. Is it because it is an international adoption? Maybe. Or perhaps it's because I am in the process now and have really thought a lot about how they must feel. I am really not sure how I got to this point, but I really wish there was a way that I could meet her family and/or keep in touch with them over the years. She will be a daughter to both of us.


This week has been a crazy whirlwind of work obligations and I haven't had much time to process my courtdate nor do any more preparations for her arrival, but I did find a little bit of time to create a gift bag for her and send it to one of the traveling families to give to her. Our agency allows us to send gallon-sized Ziplock bags for our children. I filled mine with a T-shirt, a dress, a bracelet and a disposable camera. I hope someone takes pictures of her for me to have for her first album. Part of me wanted to wait til I passed court to send anything (being superstitious) but I broke down. I wanted her to have something. I am going to create another one for her to get in a couple of weeks when I pass court. This one will have a photo album with pictures of me (once I am legally her mother) and pictures of my house and car. I think there is space for six pictures so I'm thinking

1. one of me with curly hair
2. one of me with straight hair
3. one of her bedroom
4. one of the kitchen
5. one of my bedroom
5. one of the front of the house

I will also put in another outfit, a toy, another bracelet and another camera. I really, really hope someone takes pictures. Those will be the most treasured things to have for the years to come. Any other thoughts on what to include in a gift bag? I would love some ideas!! I was thinking of somehow recording my voice but I can't figure out how to do that. Have I forgotten something obvious?

But is it Love?

Ok, I gotta be honest here. I never understood when adoptive parents say they fell in love with a referral photo. I understand how they (we) can be overjoyed, conflicted, thrilled, saddened, excited, overwhelmed, anxious, curious, reflective, peaceful, worried, and a whole host of other feelings when they open the referral photo for the first time, but love? I'm not so sure.

When I opened my referral photos I was overcome with emotion. She is a beautiful baby and looking at her photos brought up a mixture of feelings. Tears sprung to my eyes because I was overjoyed at the thought of finally becoming a mother and because I was profoundly saddened by the thought that this sweet little thing had a family who was unable to care for her, but not because I was in love.

Over the past few weeks my feelings for this little girl have grown considerably. Though I am consciously trying to not become attached (5% of referrals fall through and even if I do get the opportunity to adopt this child who knows how many more weeks or months I will have to wait) I do find myself longing to hold, protect, teach and nurture her. I worry about her development, her health, her happiness. I email my agency begging for updates and scour the agency yahoo group photo albums for more pictures of her.

I have been fortunate. I have gotten some updates from both my agency and traveling adoptive parents, and I have received updated photos and even video clips of her. She looks healthy and well cared for which calms me and makes me happy. I want the best for her, of course, but at the same time I want the best for all the children in the care center. This child has been chosen for me and I am honored to have the opportunity to raise her and I will love her unconditionally but I could have just as easily been matched with another child and I would have loved that child as well. Without attachment and devotion and interaction can one really feel love? I know that I stare at her photos and see that she wrinkles up her brow like I do and has an adorable button nose like my sister. I find similarities in her personality as well when I read the comments on her temperament. I already feel like she is a part of my family and I am dying to meet her but is it love? I know I love the idea of being connected to a culturally rich country with warm, humble people. I love the idea of becoming a mother and getting the opportunity to nurture a child. I love the idea of my house being filled with laughter. I love the idea of my parents seeing me as a mother. I love the opportunity to create memories and traditions. I love her bright eyes and curly hair. And I love that, God willing, she will one day become my daughter.

But do I love her now? Right at this moment, before we've even met? It's hard to say.

Xmas 2009

Well, that was different. Different than I imagined, for sure, but also different than I have ever experienced. Since my mom was still recuperating from surgery and I couldn't be in Pittsburgh for both Xmas and her birthday she chose I go for her birthday which is on the 28th. That meant it was my first Xmas ever that I celebrated without my parents and my sisters. That was different for sure, but for me it was just perfect because it was low key and simple and took my mind off of my baby girl. On Christmas Eve I bought this perfect meal which made me feel close to my little pumpkin and ate it while listening to some lovely Christmas music.


On Christmas morning my darling cousin stopped by my house as soon as his plane landed. What a perfect start to the day! I served up some homemade quiche and brewed some Ethiopian coffee that I had purchased directly from a merchant when volunteering in Addis.



Then later on in the day I drove up to Baltimore and had dinner with my aunt and most of my cousins who I usually don't see on Xmas. I had my camera but was so caught up in conversation and laughter that I forgot to pull it out! It was a lovely evening and I felt surrounded by the kind of warmth and love that only family can bring.

It was special. But next year... next year-- baby, you will be here and I can't wait!!

It's a Murky Ocean Day

Oh, adoption. I have a serious love/hate relationship with you. How is it that one moment you make me want to shriek with joy from snow-capped mountaintops and the next you make me want to escape into the murky depths of the ocean floor? Today is a murky-ocean-day and for some reason as I type this post I have these John Lennon lyrics running through my head..

"So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong..."

To begin with it's the holidays. A time of great joy for many reasons and a time of year that I love (especially with 3 extra days of vacation thanks to the blizzard of '09! Woot!) but it's also the time of year that plunges me into the doldrums... you know the whole single and childless thing. Not to sound like a broken record, but it can really suck around Christmas. Last year I posted about it. This holiday season is no different. It's just unbelievable to me that I am still without my daughter! And then today I received a note from my agency with another explanation about why my court date is being held up again. And this explanation leaves everything open-ended with no definitive end in sight. I went from hoping she'd be here for Christmas-- to hoping to pass court by Christmas-- to hoping for a court date by Christmas-- to now just hoping for a court date at all and being able to complete this adoption. I'm about *this* close to ditching my family and all the Christmas traditions and booking a flight somewhere warm where I can sit alone on a beach and sip mai tais.

Oh yeah, I have no money. Well, then, excuse me while I go eat a dozen cookies and book a massage.

Coming Out From Under the Fog

Thank you for your supportive comments. It's been a rough week. November is here and with it comes the start of the holiday season and the reminder that once again I will be celebrating without my own family.

Growing up, my family made a big deal out of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Family traditions were repeated year after year. Like many families, it's a special time of year. I have yearned for the day when I can share our traditions and create new ones with a husband and children. For years I have yearned for the day when I can decorate my home with symbols of the season, host Thanksgiving dinner and prepare elaborate holiday meals and treats. For years I have wanted to be the couple who threw festive dinner parties and cocktail parties. For years I have dreamed of the day when I can make gingerbread houses and Christmas cut out cookies with my kids, go caroling, choose a special gift for my husband and help my children wrap gifts over mugs of hot cocoa. I have dreamed of putting out cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeer and seeing my child in the Christmas pageant... I could go on and on. Somewhere along the way I thought the Norman Rockwell vision of the holidays was meant for me. Trust me, being in your 40's and going home for Thanksgiving and Christmas alone is so not Norman Rockwell. Sure, I have a wonderful family who loves me and welcomes me into their homes and hearts despite my whining, negative attitude, constant complaining and feeling sorry for myself. Of course I am not like this all the time and I am sure someone will comment about how ungrateful and self-absorbed I am in this post. And it's true. I am. But I am tired of going through the holidays as an adult without a husband and children. I was 100% sure that this year would be different, but as it turns out I am going to have to face these holidays again with a smile even as I see childhood friends with their husbands and children and as I field questions and comments from friends and family about why I am still not married. Blah.

Don't get me wrong, I know I am blessed. Not every family with spouses and or children is a happy one. Not everyone even has a place to go on the holidays. I am healthy, I have a job, I have friends. But, as as the days inch ever closer to Thanksgiving and then to Christmas, it is a reminder of the things that I don't have, the things that I want more than anything else in the world. I wanted so badly to be able to celebrate my daughter's safe arrival with my parents this holiday season. It brings me to tears to wonder if they may miss the opportunity to ever do this.

Gosh, this is a depressing post. I guess I am still reeling and all emotionally out of wack by the events of this afternoon. I was at work, eating lunch in my classroom and randomly decided to check my phone messages. I had two from ADT saying my alarm had gone off. Panicked, I called them back and they said that the police had responded and informed them that my basement door was open. I grabbed my things, tearfully told my vice principal I had to leave and sped home. I was so scared. I knew I could eventually replace the material items-not that I have much-but I couldn't wrap my mind around someone being in my home, going through my things...not to mention that very few of my photos are backed up (...guess I better add that to my overwhelming to do list...).

I arrived way before the police which annoyed me to no end but gave me quite a bit of time to calm down and put things into perspective. At least I wasn't home. No one is hurt. I can't imagine what kind of response I would have if this had happened when I was home asleep. Or if my girl was sleeping in the other room. Gosh, I don't even want to think about that. So, the police arrive and it turns out that one of them had responded to the call from ADT. She said that the basement door was open (which set off the alarm) but you couldn't gain access. She showed me that indeed it was open about an inch but because I had placed one of my dining room chairs under the doorknob the culprit wasn't able to gain access. I don't know if was the chair or the sound of the alarm, but this evening I am counting my blessings that nothing was taken and no one was is my home and no one was hurt. Praise God.

Seriously, Praise God.

Am I nervous to go to sleep alone tonight? You bet. Being single on days like this really f'n sucks. Damn if I don't want a strong burly man to hold me tight tonight. Instead, my mug of Earl Grey with cinnamon vanilla creamer will have to suffice. And tomorrow I will be adding more security measures to my home.

So, yeah, I am going to spend the holidays without my baby but there are much worse things in life. Am I sad about it? Absolutely. Will I be removing the baby seat from my car and putting it and all reminders of a baby in her room and shutting the door. Sure will. But I am not going to complain anymore. Instead, I am going to celebrate my single status, my freedom and make the best of this holiday season as I possibly can. I am going to decorate my home as if there was a child here to enjoy it. I am going to host dinner parties and cocktail parties. I am going to make gingerbread and Christmas cut out cookies. And I am going to thank God for what I do have and try to remain focused and faithful that this is all in His plan.

Running Out of Time

I feel like I am running out of time. Knowing that I am about to get a referral, somehow it just became clear that I have a million things to do and there is not nearly enough time. I'm not sure how this happened exactly.. it's not as if I haven't been in this process for, oh, MORE THAN TWO YEARS but somehow it has.

I am still hoping to travel around Christmas time or early January and can I tell you all the things that need to get done in the next 2 months? Yikes! Just writing that and realizing that 2 months is only 8 short weeks made my stomach do flips! How on earth did I let this happen? Do you want to know all the things that I need/want to do? Here is a very small, pared down partial list:

1. find a pediatrician
2. create the nursery (paint, buy furniture, etc.)
3. read up on attachment parenting
4. take CPR
5. learn basic Amharic phrases in case she's a toddler
6. learn basic sign language to communicate while she learns English
7. sign her up for health insurance
8. pick a name!
9. reorganize things around the house to accommodate her/keep her safe
10. decide how much time I can afford to take off since FMLA is unpaid! :-<
11. find daycare
12. rewrite fundraising letter and send out the second batch
13. research the free adoption photographer and set a tentative date
14. cook and freeze several meals
15. get car serviced
16. go to the doctor (primary care, ENT, obgyn, ortho. surgeon, dermatologist and dentist)
17. declutter
18. get shots
19. babyproof
20. get furnace fixed
21. fill out all needed paperwork for health insurance, FMLA, etc.
22. get cell phone fixed
23. get cable fixed and hooked up in other rooms
24. decide on a travel partner or prepare to travel alone
25. find a man (ok, this is a joke..well, not really! I won't be able to date anymore!)


I can't write anymore. I'm starting to hyperventilate. There is not enough time!!!!
Why oh WHY did I wait til the last minute!!???!! What is my problem!

Ahhh....

My living room went from this:


To this:

It's so nice to have my living room back. Please tell me there will be more days where it looks like this even with a child in the house!

Now on to plan a little thank you cocktail party for all those who helped me.
(Plus I need motivation to get the whole house spotlessly cleaned!)

Wow...

I asked friends, family and colleagues if they could donate things for my yardsale this weekend. Would you look at my living room!? I am so overwhelmed. I can not believe the amount of items I was given and to think several others said they would bring things tomorrow. I really think this is going to be a success! Pray for a sunny day!

Must Work on My Patience

Cause, seriously, all I want to know is
WHAT IN THE WORLD IS TAKING SO LONG FOR MY REFERRAL?????????????????????????????????????????

I Got an Email From My Agency

...and all it was was my social worker giving me her change of address. Boo.

Have I Become One of 'Those' Women?

I never thought I'd be one of those women. You know the type: the women who agonize over the wait, the ones who harass their agencies and whine and complain about where their referral is and how long it's taking. You know, the ones who check their email (or cell phones) a hundred times a day and feel anxious and stressed because they can't control the situation. The type whose eyes fill up with tears wondering about this child who is soon to be theirs and what the circumstances were that led her first family to make such an agonizing and selfless decision. The type who daydreams about snuggling up with her baby in the dark of night or proudly wearing her in the sling while passersby peer and comment on the sweetness. Have I really become the type of woman who sends a lengthy email to her social worker and the head of her agency at the crack of dawn reminding them of the age range to be sure they are clear and haven't forgotten her?! Have I become that woman who worries constantly that something is wrong with the dossier or that the paperwork was lost or that I will not be getting a baby after all the years and tears and challenges??


Apparently so.

I don't even recognize myself anymore. I used to be so calm and understanding and patient. I was fine with things happening in their due time. Not anymore. I am on pins and needles and am in a constant state of nervousness with all the anticipation and about the unknown. Am I really worthy to parent this child? Am I going to be a good mother? How will becoming someone's mother change me/my friendships/my relationship to my own mother? Not having the answers is all-consuming, yet I can't seem to keep my mind from going to that place.. that place where there's a mixture of curiosity and fear.

I have become the type of woman whom I never understood. Yet now I completely understand

1250 hours

It's the last week of September. It's the week I qualify for FMLA. I was hired at this time last year and as of today I have worked my 1250 hours.

When I finished my dossier in June there were waiting babies. I could have gotten a referral shortly after that but it was a risk. You see, I knew I wouldn't qualify for leave until late September and I was afraid I would pass court and need to travel during the summer. I was afraid because if it all worked smoothly and I passed court on the first try I would have had my baby home but then I would have had to go back to work when the school year started back up and work all the way up until this week. I couldn't imagine interrupting our bonding like that so I asked my agency to hold my referral and try to time it so I would be traveling the first week of October.

So much for trying to time things! I should be packing this week getting ready to go but instead I am still waiting for a referral. I don't blame my agency. They have no control over when children come into care and if there are fewer in the orphanage, well that's a good thing. I just thought I would have her home for fall. I was looking forward to going to the pumpkin patch and dressing her in a Halloween costume. That's clearly not happening. I'm still hoping I get to travel by Christmas and truthfully, that works well in terms of leave. Vacation days aren't considered part of my leave so if I travel around the holidays I will get two additional weeks with her! (trying to look at the bright side...)

But, OK people! I have satisfied my end of the deal. As of today I have worked my 1250 hours and I officially qualify for leave. Now give me a reason to use it!!

Nope, Not Yet

* Oh, and so you don't think my agency is cruel to send me an email that I may think is a referral, you should know that I contacted them first to see if there was any news.

Dear Daughter,

I am soo excited to find out who you are little one.

Will you look like me? Will you be a happy baby? Will I be able to make you smile?

How old will you be? Will you like the name I give you? Will you even be a baby at all?

Will you be OK that it's just me and you for a while? I hope to find a daddy for you (for us) but I don't know if that will happen. Will you be OK if it's just you and me?

I am so looking forward to sharing my bed with you, snuggling with you, watching you learn and grow. I can't wait to take you to the beach, the pumpkin patch, to meet your grandparents and to celebrate your birthdays.

I have dreamed of all the things we are going to do together, just you and me. I love going to park and swinging on swings. I hope you do, too. I love doing crafts and taking pictures. I hope you enjoy making things and baking things and appreciate beauty and easily find joy.

I have many thoughts of what kind of girl you might be. Will you be strong-willed? Funny? Sweet? Introverted? Athletic? Will you be good at math?

My dear daughter-to-be... Mommy can't wait for you to arrive.

That Lit a Fire Under Me

When I got the referral last week I realized how much I still need to do to prepare. My agency says it's approximately 4 months from referral to travel. Yikes! That means if I get a referral soon I could be traveling by the end of the year! I wonder if I will have my daughter home by Christmas?? I sure hope so!!

That's soon! It sure lit a fire under me. I have tons of clothes and a stroller and some toys but that's about it! I don't have the important stuff done like having daycare lined up, a furnished nursery or a pediatrician! Time to get crackin'!

Wow... I could be celebrating Christmas with my daughter. That is so exciting to think about!

Almost...

I got a referral this week. While considering accepting I received more information on her history. Next to the line 'siblings' was a name. No age. No indication of where this sibling was located. I questioned it. A few days later I learned that they'd need to be adopted together. I couldn't accept a referral of two children even if I was able because her sibling is outside of the range allowed on my homestudy. Oops, they said, sorry for the mix-up. I wasn't upset. My time is coming.

Dreams

There is a blog I read about a couple who just returned home from Ethiopia with their new son. They seem like interesting and genuine people. I could see being friends with them if I knew them. Last night she (I don't know her name) posted about a dream she had. She said she dreamed her husband left her for another woman and she was devastated until she woke up and realized her husbands arms were wrapped around her and her son and how happy she was and how all was right with the world. It was a really sweet, heartfelt post. You can read her words here.

I read that post and thought about how lucky she is to feel so happy and then I went to bed. That night I dreamt that I was in a happy relationship and very much in love. It was a wonderful, wonderful dream. But then I woke up. My reality is that I am actually alone and not in a loving relationship and that my dream was just that - a dream. How depressing is that? I wanted to cry.

In better news, I am #2 on the waiting list. My agency said, though, that that doesn't really mean anything because being #2 could mean I get a referral tomorrow, next month or the month after that. It may not mean anything to them but it sure did help to balance out the sadness I felt after my dream.

New Year, New Schedule

It feels like New Year's Eve. Well, New Year's Eve minus the champagne and great party. Tomorrow is my first day back to work and I have created a schedule for myself which kind of has a New Year's Resolutions feel. I am preparing for a fresh start and have a made some plans for what to eat, how to spend my time...basically how to proceed from this day forward.

By the end of the year I am going to be a mom and I have some things I want I need to put into place before that day arrives. On that list include things like losing weight, learning how to manage stress, getting organized, cooking, becoming more efficient with my time, etc.

I created a list on the right side of my blog of things I planned on taking care of this summer while I was off. I was able to accomplish some of them but I need to accomplish all of them before November. With a little less than 2 and a half months left, I needed to write down a schedule for myself so I don't waste time on being inefficient and distracted and lazy.

So here it is. My schedule. Don't laugh. Trust me, I need to schedule myself down to the half hour if I want to get it all done!

Monday - Thursday
5:00-7:00 workout
7:00-7:30 get ready for work
7:30-5:30 commuting to & from and working
5:30-6:30 cleaning & organizing
6:30-7:30 dinner
7:30-9:00 taks
9:00-9:30 get ready for bed
9:30 - bedtime

In the evenings from 7:30-9:00 if I finish up my tasks early I can watch TV, read, talk on the phone, blog, etc. Fridays are more relaxed. Still plan to workout in the a.m. but the evening is reserved for fun/dates. Weekends are for large projects like organizing my basement, decorating the nursery, menu planning, creative endeavors, church, etc. but also the main goal is to be able to relax on weekends and do what I want to do and not what I didn't get done during the week. I have already turned down three(!) invitations this week telling the people that Mon-Thurs really aren't good days for me--that I'm too busy--and all three agreed to postpone our get togethers until this weekend! Perhaps when I am in the swing I can carve out time during the week for dates/fun, but for now it's gotta be off limits.

I am going to ease into this schedule this week (it's after midnight and I am still up cause I am still on Pacific time and not tired!) but I plan to be in full swing by next Sunday. Wish me luck. It's going to be somewhat of a change from my current lifestyle but it will be good to get myself into a routine. On top of all of this, Mon-Thurs I am going to "eat clean" which basically means no sugar, no alcohol, no red meat, no sweets, no fried foods, no rice, no pasta, etc. I figure I can do that 4 days a week knowing that the next three are free days. Four days on and three days off. It's a schedule I think I can live with and it should get me organized, thinner and more relaxed and ready for my baby girl who is likely to arrive in three months!