Single Parenting Revisited

Isn't this dress just the cutest?! It's so unique.. looks French to me. I found it at a thrift shop, of course, and paid less than $4.00 for it. I love it! But check this out.. it's a size 4T. I am no longer buying anything under a 2T. This month alone I have had four new parents tell me how incredibly difficult raising an infant or parenting solo is and their comments are starting to freak me out!

Here's a sampling from the year...

* This sh!t is hard. I don't know how you are going to do it as a single parent.
* Don't have a biological child because infants are so much work. Stick with adoption so you can start with a child a bit older.
* I wish I had known I would be stuck with this baby attached to me all day long. I wish I could put her back up inside of me.
* Don't have a child. You will no longer have a life.
* The adoption process is hell.. but no one tells you that that is really the easy part.
* My daughter is hard work!
* Hire a baby nurse (yeah right ~ I wish!) because you are going to need a break.

I never thought single parenting was going to be rainbows and ponies and I know that without a huge support group in place I'm asking for exhaustion and frustration. Well, the fact of the matter is I don't have a huge support group in place. Nor do I have any family in the area. As fun as it is to buy cute clothes-- and as excited as I am about finally becoming a mom-- I must admit that I am scared out of my mind.

I am a worrier by nature but when my concerns involve another human being, this beautiful Ethiopian child, the worrying goes up 10,000 notches. I ask myself, am I right to try to do this by myself? Shouldn't I be making more money? Will we attach to each other? Those are normal concerns I suspect, but it makes me sad that on top of those I'm worried that I won't be able to fully enjoy it. Parenting. Doing it solo.

I have always known that I wanted to be a mother and I have always known I would adopt but in all my dreams I never pictured doing it alone. That thought never even entered my mind. My dream was always to be a happily married stay at home mom until my kids got to kindergarten. I always saw myself as the type of mom who made homemade baby food, took tons of pictures and kept detailed scrapbooks of her children; the mom who would take long walks around the neighborhood and visit with other parents on the playground. I saw myself creating elaborate themed birthday parties with homemade invitations and cakes. I saw myself creating Bento box meals, reading lots of books and doing lots of crafts. I saw those first five years as being full of joy and wonder as I watched my child grow.

That is not going to be my experience and I am sad about that. I am trying to remain faithful that this is my path and to not question it, but it's still hard to accept. I want to be a mother so I am going to be a mother and I am already filled with love for this child; I can't wait to bring her into my life... but I am going it alone so there won't be the option of being a stay at home mom. And although we will read books and do crafts, I doubt I'll have the time or energy for elaborate scrapbooks and homemade baby food. As time goes by the fear grows, my confidence wanes. The comments from friends and family and the reality of the situation are weighing down on me and muddling my clarity. If only I were married or had a support group or a million dollars...

When I am open and share my concerns the responses fall on both sides of the fence. Some people are excited and supportive and understanding. Others tell me straight out that I shouldn't continue with the process. That hurts a lot. I'm worried, yes, and it's scary because there are so many unknowns but I would never just say forget it. I know it will all work out in the end, that everything really is going along as planned. I'm just finding it hard knowing that I only get two short months with my girl before I'll be back at work and forced to juggle it all. I am so excited about creating a family and becoming a mom I am just acutely aware of how different it is from how I had dreamed.

My Acting Debut

You would think with being lucky enough to score a part in a movie this summer that I'd be motivated to lose some weight and exercise. I mean, seriously, with knowing I was going to be in front of the camera--cameras that add ten pounds--and working with 20-something, itty bitty actresses..well, you might think I could have garnered up some semblance of motivation to work on this excess poundage. I think any sane woman would have done that. But, noooooo--not me! I drank lots of fruity drinks and ate ice cream cones whenever I felt like it and boy did it show. Not a good idea! But, it was so. much. fun.

The movie is called Twist of Fate and I play Mrs. Cromwell, a wealthy woman who hires a private investigator, Griffin (played by my friend, Derek, the writer/director/producer/leading male) to trail her husband. I have two scenes. The one we shot one yesterday takes place in Griffin's home office where I get the proof in pictures that my husband is indeed cheating. It's about 3 lines and 1 minute on camera but I loved doing it! In a couple of weeks we shoot my second scene where I thank him for telling me the truth. Here are a few pictures from rehearsals:

Derek (in blue) confers with me and the camera man about the scene


getting handed the folder of pictures


practicing the scene


me, looking sad, upon hearing the truth about my husband


These two pictures are from when Griffin tells Mrs. Cromwell that cheating is the norm and to basically get over it.

This last shot is Griffin talking to another actress, with Tim capturing it on camera.


Twist of Fate will be broadcast on a local cable network and Derek is going to enter it into some film festivals. I can't wait to see it. I had so much fun and told Derek to keep me in mind for future projects. He said he would. Considering he's going to be the next Tyler Perry I need to hit the gym!!

Workplace Adoption Benefits

My school district doesn't have any benefits for adoptive parents. No financial adoption assistance and no paid leave. I am in the midst of constructing a letter to them to see if I can be instrumental in facilitating change.

Currently, biological parents are provided significant benefits including full coverage of medical expenses associated with the birth. In my research, hospital fees from a normal birth average about $10,000. Multiples or complications add to the expense, of course. Adoptions are rarely $10,000. I'd guess that $20,000 was more the average, yet parents who choose to form their families through adoption get no financial assistance at all.

In addition, after the delivery, biological mothers get six weeks paid leave for a vaginal birth and eight for a cesarean. Adoptive parents get no paid leave. None. Biological mothers get paid leave because it's deemed a "medical condition" and a necessary time needed to heal. There is no consideration about what healing adoptive parents or children might need.

Adoptive parents can suffer from post adoptive depression--much like postpartum depression-- causing emotional suffering and distress. And both the parent and the child need time to attach. Not sufficiently attaching can cause future problems for the child in socializing and how the child reacts to a situation. I haven't done a whole lot of research on the topic, but I am pretty confident that not attaching properly would fall under the umbrella of a psychological condition--one that could potentially be lessened or avoided altogether if adoptive parents were given time to work on the bonding process. I have no idea how long that would take. I suppose it's different for every child and varies greatly based on age and where they spent their first months or years of life. Clearly, adoptive parents should be granted paid leave for this critical process. And if you throw in the fact that they will have already paid $20,000+ out of pocket for an international adoption, taking this necessary leave, and not being paid for any of it, is an additional financial hit--one we willingly take for the health of our child and family--but one that can present a challenge for many.

I am doing research on the topic and hope to mail a letter off to the human resources department this week. I am going to start with a simple one page letter highlighting just the key points of why it is needed and how it benefits my employer. If I don't hear anything back I plan to write a more detailed letter and send it out to HR and others above the HR department. I hope they will consider making changes to our benefits plan to include adoptive parents and it'd be great if I could benefit from the changes. But even if I can't this year or they choose to not make any changes, I can at least say I put in the effort for myself and all the other PAPs out there.

Clothes Contest - update

Well, my first contest was fun! I got 7 comments and out of those seven no one guessed the exact number of dollars I spent on that huge pile of clothes. Maybe I wasn't being fair cause it was kind of a trick question... I spent $0 ~ someone gave them all to me for free! I went on Freecycle and asked if anyone had girl clothes up to size 2T and someone wrote me back saying she has twin girls and tons of clothes to give away. So I drove to her house and met her and her daughters; then she dragged this ginormous suitcase down the steps, unzipped it, and let me take whatever I wanted! It was amazing! I didn't pay a dime (well, except for the gas to get there) and she said we should keep in touch cause her twins will keep on growing! Since I don't have any nursery furniture yet, I hung up all the dresses in my closet and gosh if they don't look so darn cute hanging there.

Truth is, though, I need to stop buying clothes. I'm glad I've gotten some free stuff --or at least haven't paid too much money for clothes yet-- because I have no idea what age/size she will be at referral. For all I know I will get a referral of a toddler and most of these clothes will be too small! So, no more buying clothes for the rest of the summer. I am going to sit tight and wait to find out who she is first.

So Shawn, you didn't guess exactly correct but you were the closest to $0 with your guess of $10. If the blogging community doesn't mind, I will send her the gift or better yet meet her and bring it with me because she lives in my area. Congratulations to everyone for playing!

"Having Your Own is Different"

So, I had a conversation with a guy today. He has a 14 month old son. He knows I'm adopting. Since I am still not sure what age to request, I try to get insight from those with young children so I say, "So tell me, what's it like raising a 14 month old?" Not only does his response not answer my question, I couldn't believe he said this..

"He looks just like me. It's amazing. His hands look just like mine. His feet look just like mine. It's great. Having your own is different. I mean, I've never adopted but it's great to have your own. He's mine and I love that."

I know he didn't mean to stab me in the gut, but ouch.

Clothes Contest

Look at all the great clothes I got for my baby girl!

5 dresses
2 pairs of shorts, 2 skirts

5 pairs of pants

3 pairs of overalls

5 outfits

3 pairs of shoes, a bathing suit, a hat

5 onsies/one piece outfits (including cute leotard/tutu combo!)

5 tops

7 jackets/sweaters

5 more dresses

and a snowsuit!


Now, guess how much I paid! First correct guess (of the exact amount) will get a surprise from me in the mail. It won't be big or expensive--I'm fundraising over here. This is just for fun! Just tell me if you want something crafty (I'm into scrapbooking so you know), something from my African travels or something baby/kid-related when you leave your comment. Don't forget your email address so I can contact you if you win. Contest ends at July 19, 2009 at 11:59pm.

Good luck!

1

One month waiting for a referral!

July update #1

My plan for July was to focus solely on health, organization and fundraising. It's time to embarrass myself into an action give an update.

1. Health. I have done nothing new here. I still eat whatever/whenever. As I was typing this I looked down at my thigh spread out across the computer chair and gasped in disgust. I have never been so fat and out of shape in my life. I told myself starting TOMORROW I will work out for at least an hour every day. Hell, I'm not working... I can't say I don't have time. What else? Oh, I made a doctor's appointment for my stupid foot injury. I thought it was better but after playing tennis last month it has hurt consistently. It is so frustrating because it even hurts to walk now which means no tennis this season. Makes me want to cry. Seriously. Which leads to why I am not working out and why I am getting so bloody fat (see side bar). So depressing!!!

2. Organizing. I have so much to do, it's overwhelming. Last week I started by rearranging furniture and touching up paint in a couple of rooms. Now that that is finished, there's the big job of actually organizing the space. I started with the closet. Even though it's been over 70 degrees for weeks now, I still hadn't found the time to pack up my winter clothes and put out the summer wardrobe. I started that task yesterday and in the meantime created a huge pile of clothes to consign (mostly things my fat thighs can't squeeze into -which fit perfectly last summer-sigh) and a pile of clothes to donate. Tomorrow I will finish the closet and fold and put away all remaining clothes. And then on to the next space-- the master bedroom.

3. Fundraising. I have not started this yet but it would be so great to make some extra money upgrade out of economy, to stay in a nicer place in Ethiopia and to help someone who might accompany me with their ticket. I have come up with some ideas. They are as follows:

* have a yard sale (with donations from friends&neighbors)
* create something to sell - candles, t-shirts, lip balm?
* tutor
* get a 2nd job somewhere with adoption credits, like Starbucks
* have a raffle
* have a silent auction
* sell stuff through consignment, Craig's List and/or eBay.

Does anyone have a great fundraising idea that either worked for you personally or you read about on a blog? Could you please send me the link?

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

4th of July

This holiday this year was very low key. I went over to Hattie's to go swimming and have lunch. We spent hours in the pool and then went back to her place where we ended up making mojitos and ordering pizza. It was fun but it makes me so excited to know that there aren't too many more holidays where it will feel like just another day.

Next July I will have my little girl here and I am going to celebrate! I'm going to dress her up in red, white and blue; put matching ribbons in her hair; eat grilled hot dogs, hamburgers & chicken, potato salad, cole slaw and corn on the cob; decorate my house with flags and go see the fireworks! In fact, I plan on going all out on all the holidays. It will be so much fun and make each one exciting for her and create memories and traditions we can carry out each year. I can't wait! I wonder which holiday she will experience with me first?

Cheers!

Single Black Women Adopting

I saw this article on CNN.com and, man, can I relate! I, too, wonder how it is that marriage has so far eluded me. I tried to do everything the right way: education, fun, life experience, growth, maturity, financial and emotional security and then marriage and children. But, alas, now that I am ready (uh, and have been for the last decade!) I can't seem to find him. Clearly, there is no right way and I obviously don't have a say in God's plan for me. Ha! Well, it's good to know I am not alone...

Single black women choosing to adopt

updated 1:01 p.m. EDT, Wed July 1, 2009

By John Blake
CNN

(CNN) -- Wendy Duren thought she did everything right.

She broke off relationships with men who didn't want to settle down. She refused to get pregnant out of wedlock. She prayed for a child.

Duren's yearning for motherhood was so palpable that her former fiancé once offered to father a child with her. But he warned her that he wasn't ready for marriage.

"I get bored in relationships after a couple of years," he told her, she recalls.

Those events could have caused some women to give up their dreams of motherhood. But Duren, a pharmaceutical saleswoman, didn't need a man to be a mom. At 37 years old, she decided to adopt.

"It's the best decision I could have made in my life," Duren says, two years later. She's now the mother of Madison, a 1-year-old daughter she raises in Canton, Michigan.

"People say I have never seen you so happy," she says, "but it's also the hardest thing I've ever done."

Click HERE to read the entire article.

July Goals

It is July 1, 2009. I only have 6 weeks left of summer vacation. It's time to get focused! I had my time to relax and I got 2 days at the beach, but July is here and before I know it the summer will be over and I will have nothing to show for it. So here are the goals for July:

1. Health
2. Organization
3. Fundraising

That's it cause currently, I am being pulled in just too many directions!!! I would love to do some international travel but that's not in the cards this summer. I would enjoy spending my summer on three of my hobbies - writing, scrapbooking and photography. I have children's book ideas in my head that are begging to be down on paper. I want to create an album of firsts for my daughter. I need to read my new fancy camera's manual and learn how to really use it.

I should spend some time with family in Pennsylvania. I should be counting calories. I want to try out some new recipes. I want to start up my business idea.

There are a million things I should or want or need to do but I simply can not do them all. So, I am going to only focus on those three for July.

Health:

I am not going to worry how fattening something is or how many carbs or calories or fat is in something. Instead, I am going to work out every day, take my vitamins and eat more meals at home. I am also going to set up doctor's appointments. I want to be as healthy and fit and as strong as possible when I become a new mom. Single parenting is going to be exhausting (mentally and physically) and the more prepared I am, the better.

Organization:

I am going to get this house together once and for all! It is so cute and has so much potential but with all my clutter it's cuteness is buried deep underneath my junk. My clutter has led to injury, loss of money, stress, frustration and more. It's time to get it under control!

Fundraising:

I continue to worry about not having enough time to bond with my child while staying home on unpaid leave. I know I will take off two months but what if I feel like an additional month or two is needed? I need to plan for that. I also need to raise funds for travel. At the moment I do not have anyone going with me to Ethiopia. I had asked someone to go but due to their financial situation, it may not be in the cards. This person is my first choice. If I was able to pay for part or all of their flight, perhaps it could still happen. So, aside from the adoption expenses those are two things that I hadn't planned on that require additional money. If I start now I won't have to worry about them when the time arises.

So, for the month of July I will devote my time only to health, organizing and fundraising. Sure, I will go on dates and see family and work on my books but those things will not be the priority. I will post photos of my progress from time to time.

Wish me luck!