Single Parent Adoption

Here's another article I found about adopting as a single parent. It's long, but it's informative and helps to explain why it's done. I hope the two (male) friends of mine who said if I decide to adopt I can basically forget finding a man get a chance to read it! Hopefully it will help them understand why that's a risk I am willing to take!

What You Need to Know

Single Parent Adoption: What You Need to Know

In 1970, if you had gone to an adoption agency as a single person and applied for a child, you would have, unfortunately, been turned down-it just wasn't done. In fact, in some States, there were laws against single parent adoption. Now, thousands of children in the United States and other countries are living with single men and women who have chosen to become parents and who have been given the opportunity to provide a loving permanent home for a child. In the last 20 years there has been a steady, sizable increase in the number of single parent adoptions-some people feel that it is the fastest growing trend in the adoption field. Approximately 25 percent of the adoptions of children with special needs are by single men and women, and it is estimated that about 5 percent of all other adoptions are by single people. The outlook for single parent adoption is encouraging as it becomes more widely accepted.

In this factsheet, we will look at the reasons for the growing acceptance of single parent adoption and discuss some of the questions that you, as a prospective adoptive parent may ask as you begin the adoption process. We will explore, too, some of the issues facing a single adoptive parent, and learn about the available resources to guide you in this exciting new venture.

Why Does A Single Person Adopt?

Why would a successful, independent single man or woman want to give up his or her freedom and assume the responsibilities of raising a child?

The desire to nurture and to share life as a family is a strong universal need that is felt by a large number of people and one that is not exclusive to married people or couples. Often a single person finds life incomplete, as one single woman expressed, "I had a stable job and could give a child many benefits. And I had love that needed to be given and a need to be needed. I wanted some purpose to my life other than my work and my cat." Because many women have pursued careers and put off marriage and having children until they are older, they find that they have reached their thirties, without a husband, but with a compelling desire for a child. Adoption becomes a viable option for single women who feel that having a child out-of-wedlock is unacceptable or who find that they are infertile.

Some men and women feel that they can provide a better life for the children living in institutions or foster care or in countries that cannot provide them with the basic necessities. One teacher said, "Because I continually saw children in my special education classes who lived in institutions or went from foster home to foster home, I decided that even as a single parent I could do more for a child."

Loneliness may be another factor in deciding to become a single adoptive parent. As Dorothy Dooley, adoption director at the New York Foundling Hospital, said, "Loneliness cannot be your only motivation for adoption but it certainly could be part of it. The need to share is a complex human response. If you care enough about children to want to share your life with one of them, that's a healthy need."

Why Is Single Parent Adoption Becoming More Prevalent?

A number of factors have encouraged the acceptance of single parent families. Perhaps most is the growing number of one-parent households due to divorce and to unmarried women having and keeping their children. A recent New York Times article reported that more than half of the Nation's 9.8 million African-American children under 18 years of age, nearly one-third of the 7 million Hispanic children, and one-fifth of the Nation's 51.1 million Caucasian children live with a single parent. While women are the primary caregivers for most of these children, there are also one million single fathers in this country. With so many children living in this type of home environment, adoption agencies have been more willing to consider unmarried men and women as prospective adopters.

Most of these single parents work full-time and are financially responsible for their families. While shouldering the economic burden, they continue to maintain the home and care for the children.

The issue of personal finances has become less important with the availability of adoption subsidies in almost every State for children with special needs. This has encouraged those with limited incomes who are otherwise capable and willing to adopt to pursue adoption.

The adoption picture has also changed. The number of healthy Caucasian infants available for adoption has decreased dramatically due to birth control, legalized abortion, and the decision of unwed mothers to keep their babies. Therefore, agencies have a shortage of babies to offer couples who are interested in adoption. Most of the children who are available for adoption are older or have disabilities. As the adoption agencies struggle to find homes for these children, single parent applicants have become more widely accepted.

Another factor is that single adoptive parents have proven to be very successful in encouraging their own acceptance. The latest research indicates that children raised in single adoptive parent families compare favorably with other adopted children and show a healthy involvement with friends and family as well as in the activities of their age group. It has been shown that it is the instability of broken homes, rather than the absence of a parent, that causes difficulty for a child. In 1985, an 8- year longitudinal study of 22 single adoptive parents reported that the child care provided by the parents had been consistent and of high quality. The researchers stated that, "The single parents of this study lead busy lives and seem to manage the demands of jobs, home, and parenting with a sure touch." The parents interviewed, who were both African-American and Caucasian, had adopted young children, most of whom were under the age of 3. The authors questioned whether a single parent placement would be as appropriate for an older child who has had difficult experiences, since more older children are available today.

These researchers concluded that "single parent homes may be particularly suited for children who need intense and close relationships and thus particularly appropriate for many of the older children in foster care who are now being prepared for permanent homes. For some children, such a close bond may meet a need and be a path to normal development."

What Are the Obstacles?

Despite the greater acceptance of single parent adoption, the traditional view of parenting, that a child needs a mother and a father for healthy growth and development, still exists. Mental health experts say that the "ideal" is to place a child in a two-parent home with a mother and father who are compatible and loving. However, there are many children for whom this "ideal" is not possible and many single people who feel that such bias is unfair.

Your family and friends may be your first hurdle. They may not understand why anyone would assume the responsibility for raising a child alone. They may ask if you have lost your senses. It may or may not be possible for you to convince them that you know what you are doing. One single parent who experienced this situation advises if this happens to you, "Be strong! You can't let people around you tear you down. They may be negative. If this is your choice, then don't let people influence you." She added, "Wait until the child comes and you'll see how involved some of your friends will get."

Agencies have varying policies in dealing with single applicants. Some don't accept them at all. Others may put your application and request for a home study (a family assessment) on the back burner while waiting to find a couple who wants to adopt. The children offered to you may have disabilities that you cannot handle or be 12-years-old when you requested a toddler. If you pursue independent adoption (a path to adoption with no agency involvement) birth mothers may balk when they learn you are single.

Single men face even tougher scrutiny as they are asked intimate questions about their sexuality, motives, friends, and living arrangements. They may be qualified to parent and still be turned down.

Going at it alone is not easy. Adoptive parents and agencies, in preparing prospective adoptive parents, stress the importance of having friends and family who can lend support and serve as a back-up system. All the responsibilities will land squarely on your shoulders, such as caring for a sick child, picking the child up at his or her friend's house, choosing the right school, and speaking to school counselors. Having a strong network that you can rely on will ease some of this responsibility and provide relief from the constant role of parent.

It will also help if you can demonstrate to a potential adoption agency that you have thought through some of the long-term implications of being a single adoptive parent. For example, if you have evaluated your financial situation thoroughly before going to an agency, and can present a realistic picture of how you plan to provide for a child over the years, they will see how serious and stable you are. Also, expect questions about how you will handle your social life once you become a parent, and be ready to discuss your feelings about this in an open, straightforward manner. You are not expected to give up your adult relationships when you adopt. In fact it would be unhealthy for you to do so. However, you will need to strike a new balance in your life as you juggle the new role of parent with your other roles. It would be good for you to show that you have thought about these issues in a mature and sensitive manner.

As you approach agencies and other adoption resources, you have to believe in yourself. The process may not be a smooth one and you may have some doors closed to you. But as one successful adopter put it, "You have to believe that there is a child somewhere in the world waiting for you." Your determination and assertiveness can make your dream come true.

Little Ethiopia in DC?

This article shows how large the Ethiopian community is in DC. I am really lucky to live here so my child and I can have access to her culture. I met a woman at an SMC meeting a few months ago who is planning on adopting from Vietnam. She had the greatest idea! She plans to start a tradition of eating at the same Vietnamese restaurant every week. I love that idea!!! So with this list of restaurants in hand I will now need to sample each one and decide on the one to use for my new (borrowed) tradition.

District of Columbia is the centerpiece of Ethiopian Community in America.

Embassy of Ethiopia
3506 International Dr. NW
Washington, DC 20008

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Washington Post
Washington's Little Ethiopia

A New Cluster of Restaurants Brings Exotic (Yet Inexpensive) Appeal to Ninth and U Streets

By Walter Nicholls - Staff Writer - Wednesday, May 18, 2005; F01

Last November, brothers Yared and Henock Tesfaye surprised their mother with a gift -- her own restaurant. They gave it her nickname: "Etete. " It's at Ninth and U streets NW, in the Shaw section of Washington, an area with a growing ethnic identity. Some folks call it Little Ethiopia.

"This neighborhood is our place, a place we can be proud of," says Yared Tesfaye, who helps out in the dining room when not working his other two jobs, as real estate agent and parking attendant.

The brothers, who arrived from the Ethiopian capital Addis Ababa in 1994, chose modern decor for their mother's restaurant because "we want to bring a lot of people, not just Ethiopians, but tourists to this block," says Yared Tesfaye, 25. Their mother, Tiwaltenigus "Etete" Shenegelegn, has cooked for 15 years at Ethiopian restaurants in D.C.

The Washington region, with its 200,000 people of Ethiopian descent, has the largest Ethiopian population outside of the country itself, according to an unofficial estimate by the embassy. With the addition of Etete, which specializes in vegetarian meals, 10 Ethiopian restaurants now are clustered at U Street east of 13th and in the 1900 block of Ninth Street. Each has its distinct ambiance and fans.

The new enclave has twice as many Ethiopian restaurants as
Adams Morgan, where Ethiopian entrepreneurs began opening food businesses in the late 1970s. The exotic and inexpensive cuisine attracts not only fellow countrymen but especially students and tourists. Meals are a communal, social activity, and there is no need for a knife and fork. Ethiopian is all about finger food.

Diners gather around a single, circular platter covered with a soft, 16-inch pancake or bread called injera . Spicy stews, seasoned vegetables and pureed legumes are artfully placed around the pancake. Additional injera are served alongside. That's when it's time to tear a section of the bread and use it to gather a mouthful from the assorted offerings. When the underlying pancake, soaked with sauce, is consumed, the meal is considered complete.

High rents in Adams Morgan have motivated restaurateurs to locate in a more reasonably priced but quickly redeveloping area. Major changes have occurred around Ninth and U streets in the past 18 months.

"We bought abandoned buildings, rebuilt them and cleaned this area up to make it what it is," says Belay Sahlemariam, co-owner of U Turn, an attractive corner bar that opened in October. One wall is covered with vintage newspapers from back home. Up a flight of steep stairs is a good-size restaurant with a stage for entertainment. U Turn is one block from the U Street/African-American Civil War Memorial/Cardozo Metro station.

Around the corner is Abiti, a brightly colored, 48-seat restaurant that opened about the same time as Etete. The furnishings are traditional basket-weave tables and Ethiopian fabrics. The surface of the small bar in the rear is of particular interest. "I cut up my wife's old clothes and laminated over the fabric," says co-owner Negash Shifraw.

He and his wife, Abonesh "Abiti" Boku, host an Ethiopian-style coffee service on Sunday afternoons. (The cultivation of coffee, it's widely thought, began in Ethiopia.) On weekend nights, Boku, the cook, sings traditional native songs. "To be different, we're trying to be a cultural restaurant," says Shifraw.

A few doors up, the casual Queen Makeda restaurant has its own following.

"Remember when your mother cooked for you at home? That's the taste you'll find here," says customer Mesafint Beyene, who works in the food and beverage department at the Washington Hilton. Beyene, who was dining at the bar on a recent afternoon, is partial to Makeda's doro wat -- the spicy chicken stew that is Ethiopia's national dish. "I've tried them all, every restaurant, in the six years I've been here," he says. "But here the food is never mass produced or too hot and spicy."

In addition to customary Ethiopian dishes, Axum, an unpretentious cafe across the street from Queen Makeda, is noted for its fried chicken cutlet served with a side of pasta. "It shows our Italian influence, and it's light," says owner Gebre Kahassai. (Italy twice invaded and occupied Ethiopia, in 1895 and 1935.) "Say you're driving a cab all day; injera can be pretty heavy," he says.

But the best-known Ethiopian restaurant in the neighborhood is the six-year-old Dukem. Owner Tefera Zewdie says that when he opened, the majority of his customers were from back home. "So much has changed in the last year and a half," says Zewdie, who has an adjoining carryout. On weekend nights in Dukem's outdoor area, there's a barbecue where Ethiopian-spiced New York strip steaks are grilled. "Now, I have far more white and African American customers," Zewdie says.

His sister, Senedu, opened Sodere restaurant last May with two of her other brothers, Mekonen and Mesefen. It's a few doors down from Etete. She says there is a challenge filling seats on weeknights with so many other restaurants in the area.

"Basically, with the food, all Ethiopian restaurants are the same," says Senedu Zewdie. "To be different, you have to have a coffee service and entertainment. That's what everybody is doing to attract more people." And all the enclave's restaurant owners agree that the best way to do so is by formally naming the neighborhood for their homeland.

The D.C. Council is considering a proposal by the Ethiopian community to designate and honor the area with a name posted on signs, according to Ward 1 Council member Jim Graham (D). More than 1,700 people have signed a petition circulated by a group headed by real estate agent Tamrat G. Medhin, chairman of the Ethiopian-American Constituency Foundation.

Some of the suggested names are Ethio City, Little Addis Ababa and Selassie Village. But the top pick is Little Ethiopia.

No decision has been made. But Graham says he is "deeply supportive of this effort, and we could decide in a matter of weeks."

"It would mean so much to us. To be recognized is a big plus, " says Senedu Zewdie. "We will show the signs to our children and our grandchildren and say, this is our home and Ethiopia is our identity."

Solution? Yes, solution.

I've done this before and it seems to work for me. And what is that you may ask? Well, it's called do everything at once. I can agonize for several more months about what is the best route or I can start doing something. For me that means starting the adoption process but still consider a pregnancy and volunteering or working abroad. So, to that end, I made a call to Gladney Adoption agency today! It takes about 9 months before I can actually travel to pick up my child and if in the meantime I get an international opportunity or get pregnant, I can figure out what path to take at that point. Adoption is the one aspect of my life that I can control right now. I can't start trying to get pregnant for 2 more months until I heal from the surgery and I am not even sure that I want to. And as of today I do not have any leads on international jobs or opportunities. But, I have done extensive research on adoption and already know that adopting a child is something I want in my life so I may as well begin that process now. If something comes up in the next month or two or before I have completed my home study, I will reevaluate at that time.

Meanwhile, the phone call was brief. She told me a bit about their agency and asked me if I had any questions. Basically, once I fax her the information sheet, which I already have from the packet I requested a few weeks ago, the process begins.....

Reflections at 42

It's been a long time since I have posted. I turned 42 last week and I have been doing a lot of reading and a lot of reflecting. This week I read A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier and There is No Me Without You. Both books were incredibly depressing, inspiring, moving. A Long Way Gone, by Ishmael Beah, is a first hand account of his experiences being a child soldier in Sierra Leone. It opened my eyes to an evil and suffering and resilience that I didn't know existed. There is No Me Without You is also incredibly moving. Melissa Fay Greene tells of an Ethiopian woman who, when faced with tragedy, turns her life around by rescuing orphans. I highly recommend both. They both made me cry and remind me how much I want to do something to make a difference in Africa. There are so many ways to help and so much is needed and my desire is so strong, but how? Adoption is a beautiful way to change the life of one child, and I look forward to doing that, but it clearly doesn't have the more global reach that I desire. I am trying to decide what my focus should be. HIV/AIDS? Malaria or TB? Women's empowerment? Education? Orphans? Hunger? Child Slavery? Should I start a non-profit or just sponsor one child/family? Should I visit or move there to be more hands on? I looked into a volunteer vacations that I hoped to be able to do on my summer break but discovered that the dates I want were already filled. Perhaps I can do that next spring or summer if I'm not pregnant or haven't started the adoption process. I also think a lot about the children in the private school where I teach and how fortunate they are. Is there some way I can involve their parents in this? I keep reading about communities where many families end up adopting when they become aware and are moved of the plight. How wonderful would it be if some of those parents decide to adopt when they see me do it? But as I figure out how to get involved with that I continue to reflect on when I should start my adoption. I wish I were more ready to begin today. Well, it boils down to two things..

1. Should I try to start the non-profit, volunteer abroad, etc. right now? Cause I worry that I won't have the time or energy to do it after an adoption. and

2. I had always imagined that I would be starting my family with my husband and to do it alone requires a paradigm shift. Since I haven't completely wrapped my mind around that fact, I remain hesitant. (It's not that I am holding out for Mr. Right, which is what I think people think when I say that. No, it's more getting over the fears of doing it alone. Fears of not having someone to discuss all the important decisions with; fears of not having enough money; fears of not being enough in my child's life...)

A good friend of mine always says "fear and faith can't coexist" and I believe this to be true. I just need to have faith that I will be able to do both and that God will help lead me down the right path.

Ethiopia and Starbucks

Africa Focus: Ethiopia, Starbucks sign coffee trade licensing agreement

Ethiopia and the U.S.-based coffee chain Starbucks signed a coffee trade licensing agreement on Wednesday in Washington, the Ethiopian Intellectual Property Office (EIPO) said.

EIPO said in a statement that the agreement will be a stepping- stone for Ethiopia in its effort to register and promote its specialty coffees names across the world.

According to the agreement, Starbucks will trade a number of coffee specialties with Ethiopia from its various coffee producing areas and will sell them in a way that protects Ethiopia's benefits.

This agreement will enable Ethiopia to use its specialty coffee names as a trademark and it is a step forward in the efforts being carried out to register and promote Ethiopia's products, including coffee in the world market, EIPO said.

The office said a month-long negotiation was carried out between Ethiopia and Starbucks in the United States and finally the company agreed to sign the agreement in a condition that will keep Ethiopia's right over its coffee names.

The office recalled that a memorandum of understanding was previously signed between Ethiopia and Starbucks, in which the latter agreed to sign a licensing, distribution and marketing agreement, recognizing Ethiopia's specialty coffee names, Harar, Sidamo and Yirgacheffe.

Up to now, some 15 international coffee companies, including Starbucks, have signed trademark agreements with Ethiopia, the office said.

In October 2006, the British relief organization Oxfam launched an international public campaign to encourage Starbucks to engage with Ethiopia directly on the issue of the county's ownership of its specialty coffee names.

Over 93,000 supporters have called on Starbucks to sign a licensing agreement with Ethiopia.

The goal is to help Ethiopia's coffee sector including farmers cooperatives earn more from its valuable coffee brands, increase its negotiation leverage through control of the marks, and ultimately increase the price received for its best coffee, coffee dealers said.

Ethiopia, Africa's largest coffee producer and the birthplace of coffee bean, exported 183,000 tones worth 427 million U.S. dollar in the 2005/06 season. The country's total annual coffee production, including that used for domestic consumption, was 330, 000 tones last season, according to the Ethiopian Coffee Exporters' Association.

Source: Xinhua

I'm feeling stress/Enjoying the single life

I've been reading a lot of adoption blogs lately and I have read on more than one occasion that Ethiopia is considering barring singles from adopting sometime in the future. No date set in stone yet, but it makes me nervous to even hear the rumblings! Gosh, no matter which way I decide to go, it feels like a mad rush. Hurry and have a kid before I get too old or hurry and adopt before I am restricted from doing so!

I don't like the pressure! :-/

Anyhoo! I got out of the house today. I still get very tired and can't walk fast but I am making progress slo-o-o-o-o-o-o-owly. :-) I went to church this morning. I love All Souls. It is such a warm and inviting and inclusive place. It's very diverse and I can look around and see what seems like adopted kids with their families. Today they asked for volunteers for the coming year- greeters, ushers, etc. I thought about signing up but I'm not even a member. Yet. I'm thinking about joining and maybe even joining the choir. After church I met Roz for lunch. It was such a beautiful day so we sat outside. We each got some sangria-me red (hello! antioxidants!) and she- white. Yum! I am making an effort to do some things that I may not be able to do when I am a mom (like spontaneously meeting a friend for lunch) and just enjoy being single. I know I will yearn for days like this! It was really nice to just be lazy with nowhere to go. She told me over lunch that in the next year she is going to consider adoption as well! I was so excited. I am really hoping to have a bunch of friends going through it with me. All of us old broads who waited til our 40s to have kids! Then this spontaneous brunch will include high chairs and sippy cups or bottles or whatever you moms tote around with you everywhere! :-)

Cost of Becoming a Mother

No call from Gladney this week but I did get their informational packet in the mail. I don't know if you are aware of the exorbitant costs associated with adoption. Gladney broke down their fees by country and here it is for Ethiopia.

Adoption Fees Paid to Gladney

• Initial Information Sheet 50
• Application Fee 300
• Home Study Fee 1,000
• Program Fee 4,200
• Post-Placement Supervision 600
• Post-Placement report 450
  

Adoption Fees Paid to Others
In the US:

• Immigration Approval & Fingerprinting Fee 405
  
• Authentication of Documents in US (estimate) 350
• Travel VISA 20
  

In Ethiopia:

Foreign coordinator/foreign source fee (VISA fee, VISA medical exam, related processing and administration fee, child identification expenses, US embassy issuance fee, medical expenses, translation of documents, registration fees, childcare and associated supplies such as diapers, formula, food, etc., coordinator and staff, including care giver salaries, legal fees and document processing, program development & humanitarian aid to the orphanage your child comes from of $1000) -- Total $ 7,385

Total Estimated Adoption Expenses $ 14,760

And then there's Travel Expenses....

Travel expenses vary depending on the season, cities visited, point of departure, level of accommodation, whether transit VISA is required due to the airline route, etc. All expenses are estimates.

• Adult airfare 1600
• Child airfare (over 24 months) 995
• Lodging (approx. 9 days) 1000
• Meals (9 days@$20/day) 180
• Miscellaneous in-country transportation 500
  

Total Estimated Travel Expenses $ 4,275

Grand Estimated Total to bring home an Ethiopian baby $19,035


Not cheap. And the sad part is there are millions of orphans in Ethiopia. How many people would love to adopt but simply can't afford that?

Now, if I want to adopt domestically from Gladney the fee is just a flat rate, although this fee does not include the home study, supervisory fees, travel expenses or legal expenses associated with the finalization of the adoption.

Income____________Adoption Fee

>$75,000...................................$24,000
$75,001-$100,000...................$26,600
$100,001-$150,000................$32,600
$150,001-$200,000................$38,600
$200,001 and over..................$40,600


Now, what you are about to read is shocking. I know the need to adopt Black children is great so I can understand why this is done, but it's still sad that Black children are just not as cherished and sought after. If you want to adopt a black child (either "full" African-American --whatever that means!-- or Biracial African-American the fee schedule changes...

Income______________Adoption Fee
>$75,000.......................................$10,200
$75,001-$100,000.......................$14,200
$100,001-$150,000.....................$18,200
$150,001-$200,000.....................$22,200
$200,000 and over......................$26,200


So as you can see adopting domestically it is still incredibly expensive. Having a child with donor sperm drops it down around $3000 (depending on how many trials) plus hospital expenses not covered by insurance. Going through the foster care system is $20 (the cost of fingerprinting) and of course, if I just end up pregnant, it's practically free! What a range!!

mound of paperwork

In the mail today I got the packet of all the unfinished paperwork required for my DC Child and Family Services Home Study. It's a lot and my social worker included a deadline of one month before they will close my file. It can be reopened in the future but I guess I'll try to get it done.

I went out of the house today! Yeah! Second time in two weeks! :-) My handyman ran me on a few errands. I bought some paint and primer so I can paint my woodwork when I have more energy. I also got an estimate for the mudding and corner beading required to make the mess off the AC install look better. The guy said he can start tomorrow and that's almost more important than the cost. I just want to get all this dust out of my house!! I will probably go ahead and hire him. I hear he does excellent work and I need that after the shoddy workmanship the AC guy did with hanging the drywall. What else? Oh, I went for the closing for my HELOC. It's nice to know the money is there if I do decide to do my kitchen or basement.

Nothing much new going on here.... I'm a prisoner in my own home! Can't wait to heal and get back out there! :-)

home improvements

No word from Gladney yet. I thought about calling again (even though I sent an email last week) but I think I will wait until after the informational session in July. Meanwhile, I did get a call from my social worker from DC Child and Family Services. She was wondering if she should close my file or if I planned on continuing to fill in the paperwork. I told her I would like to continue but as I told my MAPP trainers, as a first time parent I really would like to parent a child under 18 months. She said right now the youngest child is ten. But, I know that there are children who are abandoned in the hospital each year (we were told one or two) and I only need one, so it makes sense for me to continue with the process anyway. She proceeded to tell me that the wait could be years cause there are others who also want infants and it's basically a first come first serve process. I told here I was willing to take a chance. At this point, I don't know at what time or where my child will come from so I may as well work all angles. I can't help but think about the costs associated with international adoption.

Meanwhile, I went to my post surgery follow up appointment with my RE this morning. He said I was healing nicely and that numbness and shooting pains are part of the healing process. :-/ At least I can see a difference each week. I'm much better than last Wednesday and certainly better than the Wednesday before that (surgery day). I am just so ready to be active again--working out and socializing. But in the meantime, I am appreciating this time to get many things done. I expect that I will be off from work another two weeks and now that I am mobile, I hope to accomplish quite a few. I want to get my home business more organized (still need to even pick a name!), do some writing (several children's book ideas) and many, many things for this money pit I purchased, my 80 year old house. There are so many things to be done before it's "finished" in my eyes but I have to keep within a certain budget cause I don't want to do so many improvements that I can't recoup them in the resale. Here's a list of things I would like to do if money and resale value weren't factors...

First floor/outside

1. landscaping-- my parents came and planted grass seed, ground cover and impatiens. All are growing nicely. I want to plant some more flowers and bushes. Then I need to tackle the backyard. Oy vey! That is a project. My neighbor's mulberry tree is dropping berries everywhere making most of the yard unusable. I asked him to cut down the branches that are over my property and he refused. Well, he said he would for $300. :-/ Is that legal? Isn't he responsible for doing that himself? Must look into that. Then I want a new, larger deck, a larger patio area and a privacy fence.

2. kitchen-- It's so dark! It drives me crazy. I want natural sunlight but I am not going to put in larger windows so I will make it lighter in other ways. Right now it has brown cabinets. Oak I think. Not my taste. Need to get the cabinets refaced. I want white cabinets, some with glass doors. Then I plan to replace the counter tops. Everything is basically new since the previous owner renovated in the last few years but it's just not my taste. It annoys me every time I go in there so I know it needs to be done. :) Must price granite.

3. light fixtures-- thinking about recessed lights but haven't made a decision on that.

4.window treatments-- right now there are ugly plastic vertical blinds in the LR and DR. Those must go. I have a huge picture window in the front of the house that I am not sure how to cover. I like wood blinds and plantation shutters but a sheer curtain might also be nice. (Must have as much light as possible!!) :-) In the den I have those great $5 paper blinds from Home Depot but I think I want the kind of blinds that open from the top down. My neighbors have a bunch of trash in their yard that I am trying to block from my vision. :-/
Need to price those. And that way I can keep the top part uncovered year round to let in more sunlight! :)

5. den/sunroom- this area needs to be a den/playroom area so that when I am preparing dinner (gosh, I will have to do that, won't I?) my child can be entertained. I am toying with the idea of building built in window seats with storage underneath. Not the kind you lift up but open storage with baskets so my child can clean up her own toys. I do not like houses overrun with toys! :) So, these window seats might be a bit deeper than normal so we can stretch out on them comfortably. And then put in a soft rug and a TV.

6. paint the woodwork

Basement

My basement is one big room right now with a full bath and washer and dryer. Eventually it would be ideal to make this a large playroom/den/guest room. Plans are to

7. build bookshelves to separate the washer/dryer from the rest of the room. I envision the shelves coming up to about my shoulder to completely hide them when in the main part of the room. Again, baskets there for toys.

8. new carpet

9. flat screen TV

10. Pottery Barn couch. I saw this amazing couch that is like 6' deep! I imagine a red one down there where me and the kid(s) and the dog and my man can all stretch out with a big bowl of popcorn and a movie! :)

Upstairs

11. level my bedroom floor. It slants! I had the ingenious idea of laying a ramp type piece of wood on top and then carpeting over it so it's flat. Not sure how this is going to get done. Anyone have any brilliant suggestions?

12. new ceiling fans for the nursery/den and hallway

13. carpeting in nursery/den -- wondering if i should just carpet the entire upstairs?

14. fix up the window seat area in the master bedroom (which i use as a home office)

And finally, since I just had AC installed :) I need to have someone come over and do the corner beading and mudding (I think that's what it's called) and then repaint everywhere that got all messed up on the install.

Phew!!! Do all this and still have money left for international adoption? It's a lot! That's why it's imperative that I do more with my home business and book ideas! Must go put some energy into those now! Bye.

Single Parenting

Here's an interesting article on being single and adopting. I have certainly had my share of folks giving me their opinions on the subject!
Read on...

Single Parent Adoption and Women

From Martha Osborne

The past few decades have brought a previously never seen and a remarkable increase in the number of families headed by single mothers. Yet, unlike the stereotypical images conjured up by the general population of an un-wed, poverty-stricken, uneducated, and abandoned young teen or woman facing parenthood alone and ostracized, an increasing number of successful single well-educated professional women in their 30's and 40's are arriving at motherhood by choice and through adoption.

Single Parent Adoption and International Adoption

Advocates note the number of both domestic and international adoptions have been steadily increasing over the last decade. However, compared to their married counterparts, citing the process of international adoption as less lengthy and the likelihood of adopting a younger child much greater, single women are more likely to pursue international adoption over domestic adoption. With domestic adoption, birth mothers are more likely to select couples over singles for their babies and age is a greater consideration with most agencies.

Single Parent Adoption and the Need to Nurture

Not unlike their married counterparts who pursue adoption, single women often pursue motherhood citing the same need and desire to love and nurture a child of their own. However, unlike married couples, the single woman faces the arduous process and costs of adoption alone and with the reality she may end up raising her child alone without a father or partner.

Many single mothers who adopt will openly share although they have chosen motherhood at this point in their lives; they are not necessarily single by choice and hope to ultimately parent their child with a partner. Others are not only comfortable with being single but choose to remain single throughout the adoption process and the raising of a child to adulthood. Faced with the reality of a ticking biological clock, numerous of them have unsuccessfully pursued intrauterine insemination with donor sperm &/or donor egg prior to pursuing adoption as the road to parenthood.

Single Parent Adoption and Society

Whereas friends, family, and society may embrace the married adoptive couple for rescuing or adopting a child and elevate them to the status of saints, single mothers are not always so readily lauded for their desire and plan to pursue motherhood through adoption. Detractors and critics will accuse the single mother of selfishness for not providing the adoptive child a father and an intact home. Others will erroneously point to and cite statistics linking single motherhood to a variety of potential social ills for their child. To pursue the consideration and possibility of adoption, a single woman may even have to develop newfound courage to conquer her own inner demons and alleviate her own previously held thoughts and beliefs about adoption.

Single Parent Adoption and Guilt

After investing so much financially and personally in fertility treatments or traveling around the world to finalize the legalities of adoption, both married and single adoptive parents may struggle with high expectations and transition to sharing their lives with a child. Single mothers can feel guilt and shame when they long for moments of solitude and the independence of their former single lives. Unlike married couples, where ‘alone time’ may not need to be scheduled or arranged well in advance, single mothers often need to make arrangements ahead of time and allocate limited financial resources to get their own “Mommy time”.

Single Parent Adoption and Support Systems

Fortunately the Internet, television, and the media have raised awareness of the issues single women face in the adoption process as well as the challenges they may deal with after placement. Furthermore, the 24/7 nature of the Internet and the availability of tremendous amounts of information and resources on the web specific to single mothers have led to an increasingly savvy and well prepared prospective adoptive mother. The successful single mother realizes it is not a sign of her weakness or an indication of failure to reach out for assistance and support. Whether via a support group for adoptive families, her personal counselor or the cyber world, she and her newly adopted child are well served by reaching out and receiving help. As she makes the transition into her new role as a mother, the guidance and information gathered from single mothers who traveled the road ahead of her assists her in watching out for known potholes and barriers, a benefit for her and her child.

It is not reasonable to assume all married couples will stay married, nor should it be presumed all singles will forever remain single. Instead advocates for adoption by single women note an individual’s character, strength and potential parenting capacity are better considered in providing a child with an adoptive home.

Martha Osborne is an adoption advocate, adoptive mom and adoptee. She is also the editor of the online adoption publication, RainbowKids.com, the leading online resource for international adoption and waiting children.

NY Times article & agencies

I read an interesting article in the New York Times about Ethiopian adoption.

http://"www.nytimes.com/2007/06/04/us/04adopt.html?_r=2&oref=slogin&oref=slogin"

I have two agencies that I am looking at right now for Ethiopian adoption: Wide Horizons and Gladney. I know people who have adopted from both, so I know they are both reputable. If I start the adoption process, I can't get married until it's finalized (I say that as if there is someone right here ready! LOL!) but most agencies want you to be married at least 2 years. But, with different countries closing programs for one reason or another and with maximum age requirements for getting an infant often being 45, I can't wait much longer. I really need to make a definitive decision about whether or not to have a biological child. If I were a guy, I would just go ahead with the adoption and have a child when I got married (or in a couple of years if I didn't). I just need to continue to pray on it and hope that God will let me know what the best path is.

Take a look at the agencies: Wide Horizons and Gladney.


I heard from my friend Tami that the wait time for Wide Horizons is now a year, so Gladney is looking more promising. I registered for their July 11th informational session in McLean. Looking forward to hearing more about the program. I requested an informational packet on line and got an email from DP asking if she could call me. I told her I was going in for a myomectomy but we could connect this week. It's already Friday so I guess I will shoot her an email in a moment and let her know she can call me next week. Though being in Texas she could still call me today I suppose.

The myomectomy

I had the myomectomy. Ouch!!! Is this what a c-section is like? Can I handle recovering from that and taking care of an infant alone? I am really not confident that I can. I don't go back to work for 3-6 weeks (depending on the healing process) and I hope to get a lot accomplished around the house, with my home business and my future baby plans in the next few weeks.

I have had a lot of time to reflect and I have made one decision. I will not do IVF. I know I want to adopt, I just need to figure out if I do it now or do I take this last opportunity and try to have a child. My doctor said I can begin trying to conceive in August. At this point that would mean donor sperm. Nor sure how I feel about that.

Should I conceive my own baby?
Pros: biological connection, control over prenatal care, economical
Cons: old eggs, won't know father, jacks up body, can't share experience with father, difficult infant stage, healing time from delivery


Should I adopt?
Pros: skip infant stage, child is known to be healthy, Africa connection (doing my part), easy on the body
Cons: expensive

Adoption is looking better and better. I just don't want to regret not trying. But I am not sure I want to do it alone. So, here's my decision regarding that: If I am in a relationship in the next year before I get a referral and we want a baby together, I will at that time try to conceive. Boyfriend or husband. But since I can't predict when he is coming, I will proceed with the adoption process.

So, time to research agencies and get house together to prepare for the home study. Either way, my child will be here in 2008!

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