Parenting Advice

For those of you who have adopted from Ethiopia, did you notice how unbelievably well-behaved the kids were there? I was impressed but also befuddled. I mean, seriously, how were they able to get the kids to do what they got them to do? While there to volunteer, I went to a going away party for a toddler being adopted and they had the the other toddlers there to enjoy the party. They brought the toddlers in and seated them up against the wall while they finished the preparations. I couldn't believe my eyes! Six little toddlers about 2-3 yrs old sat there watching for about 15 minutes while the drinks were poured and cookies put on trays. Then they brought them each a cookie and a cup of juice and they all sat that and ate their snack without getting up. The whole thing lasted abut 30 minutes and none of them got up!

They would sit like this before mealtime as well. The nannies would line them up in the high chairs and they would sit and wait for the food to come. No crying. I'm sure they were hungry sometimes but they never threw tantrums.


Another thing that was amazing was in the orphanage where I volunteered, they put the toddlers on little bowls in the morning to do their business before they dressed them for the day. Since they don't use diapers, they just change them throughout the day as they have accidents, but the morning potty time (I guess) keeps them from having as many accidents.

We would arrive in the morning to volunteer around 8:30 and they would all be seated on their little bowls. They would be so happy to see us and would smile and smile and even scoot up close to us but not one child would get up off that bowl! And sometimes they had them sitting there for 20 minutes. How in the world did they do that? They were just as happy and content (or simply obedient) sitting on that bowl. None of them whined or cried or complained. Utterly amazing!

Having a toddler at home now I am especially impressed. How in the world?! When I had my Ethiopian (Eritrean) nanny stay with me I decided to pick her brain. Perhaps she could give me some insight on how to raise a fantastically well-behaved child. She wasn't comfortably fluent in English so she went home and asked her husband for some advice for me. The next day she me this:

(click to enlarge)

I do time outs, for example, but let me tell you that does not stop a child from crying in public or refusing to eat certain foods--or at least not my daughter. I'm pretty proud of Almi, though. She is pretty good for a 2 year old (very good compared to a lot of American 2 year olds I've met!) but she does not act like I described above. I wish I knew the trick. Any Ethiopians reading my blog? Wanna share the secret?

My Trip - Part 2

I woke up early on the 27th of February. This was the day-- the day I was to meet my daughter for the first time. I had arranged this meeting because the way my agency had it set up, I was to fly in on Sunday and meet her on Monday--and they would leave her with me at that time. To me that seemed so abrupt and too traumatizing, particularly since she had never seen me before. I hadn't created an album for her to mail before court because I was too superstitious. What if I didn't pass? What would they tell her then? Seemed to me that waiting until after I was officially her mother made more sense. So I created an album after court but then the blizzard hit so I couldn't get it mailed out. All this meant that she had never seen me before. I asked them if I could meet her prior to the hand off and present the album to her then and that way at least she would have a few days to look at my photo and the nannies could talk to her about me so it wouldn't be all strange and brand new on March 1st. They agreed so off we went.

The orphanage was located outside the main part of the city in a single family home. A very plain, very basic house -but clean. There were only about 10 children there that day. I don't know if there are usually more but I believe they are only moved to this facility after they have been matched with a family, so it's more of a holding place or a care center. We drove through a part of town that seems to be completely under construction. Nearly every building was in some stage of being built. If it's like Senegal, there are no housing mortgages so people are forced to pay for building their homes as money becomes available so it can take years. Seeing half finished houses all over the city was common there and is in Ethiopia as well. We parked out front. I was trying to take it all in but the intensity of the day left me wondering some things... I left that day asking my cousin what color it was. 'Was it really pink?' Yes, indeed it was.I already wrote about our first meeting here so I won't go into any more detail in this post but I will say I left feeling much more excited about becoming a mom than I had in a long time. For months people had been asking me if I was excited about adopting and I had been telling them I was about 1/10 excited and 9/10 freaked out and stressed. That was so true. For me it was hard to get excited when I knew I wasn't getting paid leave, her room wasn't ready, I was already exhausted, I don't have family around, I feel like I need a higher paying job, etc, etc, etc. I wished I could have been that type of mom-to-be who had the nursery ready for months with all the clothes hanging neatly in the closet by size and all the details in order, but that was not my reality. However, with all the paperwork, money spent, traveling and finally meeting her (and believing she was healthy) behind me, I was able to focus on her and it really helped my excitement level to increase. All these years, all this waiting, all the unknowns.. all of that seemed a distant memory when I left the orphanage that day. I could finally, FINALLY focus on her--on us-- on becoming a mom. Someone asked me later that day when I was going to take custody of her and I informed her it wouldn't be for another three days. She was horrified but I was fine with it. I was finally feeling more excitement than stress but still needed a few more days to get fully prepared mentally for this life change.

When we left the orphanage we asked our driver to take us to Entoto Mountain. I didn't get a chance to see it when I was in Addis before and was glad we could this time since it wasn't too far away. It was a long, long drive up to the top with a beautiful view of the city. At the top of the mountain is Entoto Maryam Church where Emperor Menelik was crowned in 1882, and a memorial museum which housed clothing and other religious relics of the period.We did a guided tour of the museum but unfortunately the church was closed. Two monks outside the church.This was a scene we saw over and over again: women hunched over with enormous bundles of sticks on their backs. The hike up and down that mountain must be 5 miles and to think that that's their livelihood (chopping down wood, walking miles down to sell it and then walking back--day in day out) well, it was very depressing. Such difficult, exhausting, back-breaking work. Along the way you could also see their homes--wooden huts with mud floors, no electricity or running water of course, sparsely furnished.. no belongings, just family. The poverty and life's inequities were just so in-your-face...it was very difficult. One highlight, we did encounter some children on the drive down and I was able to give them all granola bars and toys from the donations. They were ecstatic! That helped to off set all the heaviness of the day.

The next day, after being awaken far too early by my cousin who was having major sleep difficulties but I love him and was thrilled he was with me so I didn't complain too loudly or too often, ok maybe I did a few times but he loves me and knows I complain a lot... um, oh yeah, the next day we had breakfast (eggs and crepes for the third time) and planned to do a little more sightseeing since our child-free time was dwindling. After breakfast I ran upstairs to get one of my 8G memory cards I purchased for the trip and discovered them missing. I was so upset. I was having major camera/media issues! You see, I had already decided to save money and not buy a video camera and then I foolishly left my terrific Nikon at home (dumb, dumb, dumb). In addition I somehow only packed my bum camera. If you recall from this post it fell and was being very temperamental. I have another Cybershot but I left it at home, too. This is my self -portrait after I discovered I only had the bum camera to work with on the trip. For some reason I felt I needed to record the moment of complete anger and devastation. Ha! Turns out I found the memory cards when I got home but who knows where the receipt is? I would like to return one and get my money back. One day I will get organized..but I digress.

Ok, so after we purchased a very overpriced memory card we hired the driver to take us out to Debre Zeyit, about 45 minutes from Addis. I wanted to see some greenery and there area crater-lakes there. It was a pleasant drive on a nice, paved road although most of the week was rainy and chilly and this day was no exception. It was nice to see the lake with its surrounding campgrounds. They offer canoe rides but we didn't have the interest (too chilly!) or the time and besides our driver was being paid by the hour. Plus we saw this sign: We only stayed about 20 minutes. On the way home we drove through the town of Dukem. This was cool to me since there is a Dukem restaurant on U St. that I have been to and now I can say I have been to the real Dukem! Here are some pictures from the ride home: That night we had dinner in a little cafe in a shopping mall. A modern mall made of steel and glass with assorted shops and full well-dressed people. Addis is so full of contrasts! The food was terrible but you don't send stuff back in Ethiopia. Well, you can send it back but you still have to pay for it so I ate it. My stomach hurt when I got home so I popped a Cipro and crashed. I knew the big day was tomorrow -- "Gotcha Day" as they like to say in the adoption community. (I don't like that term. I was going to call it "Family Day" but if I have another child will there then be two Family Days? Maybe. Or maybe it will just be Naomi Winter Almaz Day but that's kind of long). I was finally ready for the meeting of my daughter but I was still a bundle of nerves. What if she cried hysterically? What if I didn't feel an instant connection? I hadn't felt an instant connection on our earlier meeting so I was wondering if I would this time or if not how long that would take. Had I done the wrong thing and completed this adoption? Would I love her? Would she love me? Do bio parents think these things? Was I really ready? A million thoughts were swirling through my head. I was tired. The stress was overwhelming. I had a fitful night of sleep.

My Trip - Part 1

Being back in Ethiopia was great. I missed it! I find people either love it or they hate it... there doesn't seem to be any in between. I'm someone who likes being there and I am glad I had been before because it was familiar and I knew what to do this time to stay healthy. I had three suitcases and a very packed carry-on. One of the large suitcases was all donations (clothes, toys and granola bars.. thanks to everyone who donated!) and the other large one was mostly her things. I completely overpacked for Almaz (too many outfits, too many diapers, too many toys) and completely underpacked for myself (only two pairs of pants and only one bra!) but I managed.

The days leading up to my trip were very, very stressful and by the time I left I was glad to have the hours on the plane to do nothing but decompress and relax. I brought a brand new journal to record my journey to my daughter and I started it on the plane. I also did some last minute paperwork for the American Embassy. I know, can you believe I hadn't filled out all the forms?
I didn't have time! I was soooo overwhelmed with the details. This single parenting thing is no joke!

I picked the perfect travel partner! My cousin Charles was enthusiastic about his first trip to Africa, easy-going, flexible, calming, fun, helpful.. I seriously could go on and on. He lifted me up when I was down, calmed me when I was stressed out, made me laugh, offered encouragement and support. He got along extremely well with our travel group, too--way better than I could muster as I was in a constant state of stress and shock over being a new parent--and was fantastic with Naomi Winter Almaz. Here he is totally psyched for the adventure:I did find some time to sleep on the plane which was nice and necessary. We were sitting in the exit row and had tons of leg room. Chucky snapped this photo of me sleeping. I wonder what I was dreaming about?!We sailed through the Visa line, exchanged money and were met at the airport by someone from the hotel. Easy-peasy. Our guesthouse for the first three nights was different from the one where all the IAG families were staying, in an effort to save some money. It ended up not being much cheaper but I wanted to stay there because I wanted to surprise Haze! Haze and I have been following eachother's blogs for awhile. We have so much in common and as luck would have it we were in Ethiopia at the same time! It was incredible! At breakfast the next morning I saw her from the back and called her name. She turned around and screamed my name out and we hugged. It was a great moment! She visited me at my second guesthouse later in the week to meet Almaz. Here we are with our long awaited babies!Later on that afternoon we went to visit the orphanage where I volunteered two years ago. I was looking forward to seeing my friend Ivy, an American woman who runs the compound there. It took me a minute to try to remember how to get there because a new road had been built since I was last there, but we found the place. I walked up to a row of women sitting and talking on the wall outside the orphanage. I recognized Ivy from the back and did my second surprise of the morning. That was fun! While Ivy and I were hugging and catching up, some of the women on the wall were whispering to eachother. I hadn't noticed, but Ivy did and asked what was up. Turns out they were all shocked to see me walking up because they recognized me from my blog! How funny is that?! I felt famous! Like Angelina Jolie or something. Several of them commented on how touching this post was and how they had forwarded it on for others to read. I was surprised they knew who I was but they said I was very recognizable. What are the odds that I would be recognized walking down the street in Addis Ababa?!?!? I still can't get over that!Ivy gave Chucky a tour of the orphanage. AAI's orphanage, Layla House, is an incredible facility and very well run by Ivy. My cousin was overwhelmed by all the children. "So many children," he kept saying this over and over. It is really overwhelming. I support adoption and feel good about my part, but it's depressing to acknowledge that placing one's child for adoption is a solution for a struggling family. When did this become acceptable? For me, somewhere in this long three year process, adding a child to my family became less about wanting to be a mother and more about wanting to provide a better life for an African orphan. I don't know when I experienced that shift exactly but it's probably what made this all so much more stressful. It was no longer about me and what I wanted but about her and what she needs. Taking her away from her country and culture and everything familiar to become an American citizen has it's pluses and minuses. It became stressful for me when I realized how heavy it all is but all that is not for this post! So back to the day... We toured Layla House and Wanna House. I checked on the Clifford I painted. Looking good!Later, we hung out at Ivy's house and spent time with her freakin' adorable Ethiopian son, Alazar, and then went to the Black Rose. Ivy gave me some GREAT advice about single parenting. She quelled so many of my fears. Thank you, Ivy!
Single parenting rocks!
(Ok, not really...just trying to pump myself up. lol)

Her Eyes

Have you ever experienced something so unbelievable that you had to pinch yourself to believe it was real? For some reason, I have been having a lot of those moments lately. The day before Thanksgiving I had one of those moments. I experienced something so fulfilling and so heartwarming, yet at the same time so surreal. And it was incredible.

When I was volunteering in Ethiopia I connected with many of the children, but there was one little girl in particular with whom I bonded very strongly. She was a toddler, a few months shy of two, and bonding with her was something you wouldn't expect. To begin with, as you can imagine, there was a language barrier. She spoke Amharic, I English, so we were not able to exchange words. In addition, there were few toys in the orphanage so we weren't able to play together. Instead, I would dress her, do her hair or sit with her while she ate her food. I would smile at her and give her kisses and hugs. Sometimes we would just sit together on the stoop and look out into the courtyard. Most of the time she would sit on my lap and we would play hand games and communicate with each other with our eyes and our smiles. I spent many, many hours looking into the eyes of this little girl.

After a couple of weeks we had truly bonded. When I would go onto the Wanna House compound (where the babies and toddlers lived) she would come running over to me with a huge smile and I would sweep her up into my arms and cover her with kisses. Man, I loved that little girl. If she hadn't already been matched with a family I would have brought her home. I knew she had bonded with me, too, when she would start to cry when I had to leave for the day. Here are a couple of photos of us hanging out together in the orphanage.

The last day I was in Ethiopia I went to spend some one on one time with R. She was sleepy as it was her naptime but the caregivers knew I was leaving and they didn't say anything. She sat with me as I tried not to cry.

I knew I was going to miss her so much and not knowing where she was going or how was she was going to be with her new family was very, very difficult. I don't know if she understood what was happening or she was just tired, but her reaction that last day made it much more difficult. I gave her one last kiss and put her down in her crib and walked away. I never thought I'd see her again.

When I got back to the States, I thought about R. a lot. I often wondered how she was doing and if she was happy with her new family. Sometimes I literally ached thinking about it, I missed her so much. After a few months I posted about her on my blog and to my amazement I got this comment:

"Oh my gosh- I just stumbled across your blog and you are holding my daughter at Wanna!!!! She's a real cutie, isn't she :) We brought home R. and her brother M. in September. I would love to know if you have any more pictures of the kids, so please email me if you're willing to share. Thank you!"

It was R's mother! At first I was worried that she would be mad that I had posted a photo of her daughter but also so excited!! I could find out where she was living and how she was doing. Well, she wasn't mad and we sent a few emails back and forth, I sent her the photos I had of R. and best part of all I found out she had a blog! It was so wonderful to know that I could now see her daughter growing up by a click of the mouse. I thought it couldn't get any better than that.

Well, let me tell you, it got better than that! A few weeks ago I got an email from R's mother saying the whole family was going to be in DC for Thanksgiving and did I want to join them for dinner! Did I?! I couldn't believe my good fortune. I was so overwhelmed that they would contact me and extend the invitation and I was so excited! We met at an Ethiopian restaurant for dinner and I found myself staring into the eyes of that same little girl. The same little girl who I now know is happy and healthy and thriving and loved. It was such a joy. I felt like my heart would burst. Little R, now 3, is just as delightful and sweet as I remembered her and I honestly feel that once she looked into my eyes that she remembered me, too. It was such a special evening.

one of the most joyful moments I have had in a long, long time

planting a kiss on her cheek once again!

My Time at Kidane Mehret

When I was in volunteering in Ethiopia, I spent an afternoon at Kidane Mehret (the orphanage mentioned in yesterday's post and pictured above). It was a really difficult afternoon. I met a child there who, I was told, had just recently arrived. I don't know what her story was or how she ended up at KM but she was a beautiful little girl with a head of dark curls, about 6. She was very shy but would let a smile slip out from time to time. She enjoyed having her picture taken and by the end of the afternoon would sit close to me or right on my lap and just smile and smile. I can't imagine how she must have been feeling, recently orphaned and surrounded by strangers and not speaking a word of Amharic. She is on my lap in this photo.


I also met a set of 12 year old boy/girl twins. I played soccer with the boy for a bit and after awhile he felt comfortable and sat down to speak with me. I was blown away at how polite he was an that he spoke impeccable English. After talking for awhile, he learned that I was planning to adopt. After a few more questions he inquired about what age child I wanted. When he learned I was thinking of an infant girl, the look on his face told me he had had this conversation before. He was way too polite to say what was on his mind but I knew he wondered why the babies were always chosen. He then uttered words I will never forget. He said, "When you go back to America can you help me and my sister find a family?" At that moment I was cursing not being married cause it would be so much easier to adopt 12 year old twins with a spouse but I knew I couldn't do it as a single woman. I did promised him though that I would try to find them a family. When I got back to the States I did bring them up to a couple of friends of mine and hoped they would be interested but I was unable to truly fulfill his request. I still feel guilty about that. I wonder where he and his sister are.

We spent some time playing outside with the older kids and then went up to the nursery to visit the babies. The nursery was a small room with rows and rows of metal cribs filled with sweet, adorable babies. Some were sleeping; others were just staring out into space waiting for someone to notice them. It was as if they learned that crying wouldn't bring any comfort so why bother? It was eerily quiet. I remember speaking to a very kind nun, also with excellent English. In just the hour or so I visited with her I could tell she was a loving, kind soul-- dedicating her life to taking care of these orphans.

The hardest part of the day by far, though, was seeing a little girl with what appeared to be hydrocephalus. Her head must have been 3x the normal size and she was lying on a counter unable to sit up or move around. She was facing a blank, white wall but every now and then a nun would come by and speak to her or rub her belly or smooth down her hair. They clearly cared for her but there were simply not enough nuns on staff to attend to her every need. Absolutely heartbreaking. The image of her lying there was etched in my mind for a long, long time-- the extreme unfairness of it all. No family, no healthcare, no one to attend to her needs and keep her comfortable and happy and entertained. No one to sing to her or teach her things. No joy. Just lying on her back, day in, day out. I was told that a family wanted to adopt her but since they weren't sure she would survive the flight she was not cleared for adoption. I think we all knew they were just keeping her comfortable until she passed away.

Love This!

By SHARON HENDRY

Published: 26 May 2009 in The Sun

SINGLE mum Jane Surtees certainly has a Lotto heart.

Like millions of others, the mum-of-five had dreamed of winning the Lottery and buying cars, houses and designer clothes.

But she also had another wish — to help the plight of countless starving children in Ethiopia she had seen on television over the years.

So when Jane scooped a £7.5million jackpot five months ago, she immediately started planning her trip to the African country.

Speaking exclusively for the first time since her win, Jane, 48, says: “Winning the Lotto has changed my life and now I want to help change the lives of others.

Care for kids ... Jane Surtees visits the orphanage

“I’ll never forget seeing the faces of so many beautiful children left poor and starving by events in Ethiopia and I wanted to go and see how I could help.

“In the end life is all about luck. Because of my good fortune, I will never have to worry about money again but these children have been left vulnerable and orphaned by problems that aren’t their fault.”

Jane travelled to Ethiopia’s capital Addis Ababa last week and headed straight to the Kidane Mehret Children’s Home, which cares for 120 orphans. The youngest is three days old, the oldest 17 years.

Run by Maltese nuns sister Lutgarda and sister Camilla for the past 40 years, it takes in orphaned and needy children from the street and provides them with shelter, food, clothing and love.

The cramped orphanage is run purely on donations and can only feed the kids three small meals a day. Meat is a once-a-week treat and toys and books are scarce.

But Jane was struck by how contented the kids seemed despite having so little.

Close to tears, she says: “To have the opportunity to come here and see and feel the pride these children have is incredible.

“The nuns have achieved so much with so little, it is humbling. To see it is worth all the money in the world. It has changed my life.”

Jane immediately donated £50,000 and has pledged a sizeable annual commitment to support Kidane and a project called Beyond The Orphanage (BTO).

Founded by Australian Geoff Hucker, 45, BTO provides shelter, education, counselling and medical treatment for orphans who cannot find homes and those forced to leave their orphanage on reaching maturity.

During her five-day trip, Jane met 15-year-old Workeneh Fanetay.

After losing his parents to tuberculosis when he was just four, he had to bring up his two-year-old brother alone.

One of 50,000 children on the streets in Addis Ababa, he bought minimal food with money he earned running errands on a building site and helping neighbours.

Since joining BTO 18 months ago, Workeneh and his brother Yismalem have moved into a modest mud house, planted vegetables on their plot and both attend school.

An estimated five million Ethiopian children are orphans - 800,000 of whose parents died of Aids or HIV-related causes, a figure that is steadily rising.

Baby love ... Jane meets some of the orphanage's

younger residents

In the past, famine, conflict and other diseases contributed to Ethiopia’s massive orphan population.

Jane’s new life as a philanthropist is a world away from her former one as a single mum to Rachel, 23, Richard, 21, Naomi, 12, Leona, 11, and eight-year-old Jasmyn.

She says: "Before the win, money was a problem. We lived in a three-bedroom semi and weren't able to afford holidays."

Jane's lucky numbers, chosen from family birthdays, came up on December 10, 2008.

She recalls: "I flicked on Teletext to read the story about Woolworths going bankrupt and saw my numbers on the screen.

Blown away ... kind-hearted Jane now has the chance to

help others

“I knew them off by heart but didn’t connect at first. I kept thinking: ‘What are my numbers doing on this page?’ ”

The enormity of her win is still sinking in. Jane says: “The most overwhelming feeling is that of having security and choices.”

Jane has treated herself to a new four-bedroom house in her hometown of Whitby,

North Yorks, another five-bedroom one in York and three BMWs for her, Rachel and

Richard.

And in July she will marry long-term partner Mark Lisbon, 42, a stunt co-ordinator.

But Jane is adamant that children in Ethiopia will continue to share her win.

She says: “So many people say: ‘Well you can’t save the world so what’s the point in trying?’ but my attitude is even if some of my money can help a few kids, it might inspire others to do the same.

“The sisters at the orphanage are modern-day saints. What I have seen in Ethiopia will stay with me for the rest of my life.

“If everyone who won the Lottery shared their luck, our world would be a better place to live in.

To support Jane’s Ethiopian charities, go to beyondtheorphanage.org and fcj-kmch.org.

Dad's 84th Birthday

Last weekend I went home for my Dad's birthday.














Love you, Dad!

When I got there late Saturday afternoon my mom had already set the table. She was using the tablecloth I got them from Ethiopia. Look how nice!