Thank You Party

There is no way I could have lasted throughout this whole process without the support of my friends and family. I have leaned on them in so many ways, so many times, and they have been there for me...for over two years! They have lifted me up with encouraging words, they have listened to when I bitched and moaned lamented and allowed me to cry on their shoulder. They have given donations, spent time at my yard sale, wrote letters, sent me books and cards, gave me bits of wisdom and advice... and most of all encouragement and prayer. It has been a challenging 2+ years and I am so grateful for all of them.

To thank them, I threw a little party in their honor. It turned out so nice! Everyone mingled and enjoyed chatting over the mulled cider--my winter specialty drink! I got several similar comments that evening: One was how nice my home looked which is so nice to hear cause I have a love/hate relationship with this money pit - lol. Another comment was how relaxed and happy I seemed. This really meant a lot to me as well as I have not felt relaxed nor happy very often lately. I am usually too stressed out to feel that way, but on Saturday night I really felt happier than I have in a very long time. Being surrounded by loving, caring people who only want the best for me and knowing in my heart that I will soon be a mother to a beautiful Ethiopian girl bring me a lot of joy.

Towards the end of the night I asked for everyone's attention and we all gathered in my kitchen. I went around the room, introduced all the guests, and shared how they had come into my life. Some of my friends I have known for decades and others a relatively short time, but each guest was supportive at some point, in their own way, and I really wanted them all to know how very much appreciated they all are. After going around the room and sharing how each person contributed to the process I dropped the news that I had gotten a referral. The room erupted into cheers! What a memorable evening.

My Family's Reaction

So, the fact that I have a referral has begun to sink in. Sort of. Nothing is ready -- not her bedroom, not day care, no travel partner lined up... I don't even have a name picked out! I had it narrowed down to about 20 and once I saw her picture I was able to rule some of them out because they don't seem to fit her. Now that I am down to about 12 I have to decide if I want to keep her given name as her first name or move it to the middle. So much to do as you can see, though I imagine once I get a court date I will be running around like a crazy woman. Nothing like a court date to put things in perspective.

It is starting to become real to my family as well. I drove home to tell my parents in person and surprise them with the news. I was telling them about a certification exam I had taken that morning and was going on and on about how difficult it was but how grateful I was that my friend Tracy had lent me her study guide. I pulled out the envelope which she had mailed the guide in but replaced it with a magazine on top of which I placed the referral photos. So I hand my mom the envelope as I am going on and on about the thick study guide, thinking she would pull it out and see the photos. Instead, she hands it off to my dad and keeps on talking. I had pulled out my camera at this point to try to video tape the moment but it didn't quite go as smoothly as I had planned.

My dad opens the envelope and pulls out the magazine, leaving the photos inside! And then he gets so wrapped up at looking at Tyra Bank's sexy cover photo that he doesn't even realize that he's supposed to be looking for a study guide. Meanwhile, my mom totally oblivious to this, continues to chat about the test. Finally I have to interrupt her to say, "Oh, that magazine was in there too but the study guide is also in there" to get them to reach in for the photos. My dad pulls out the photos, says nothing, and hands them to my mom. My mom glances as them and says nonchalantly, "Oh, she's cute", making no connection to the fact that these are referral photos and not a study guide! Now to their defense, they have no idea what referral photos look like nor were they expecting to see one in this envelope but I had to outright tell them what they are looking at! Even after repeating it to them several times, I swear it took a full 45 seconds for it to all sink in. Then, my mom went crazy! :-) Unfortunately I can't post them yet because someone either shows her photo or says her name or age and those details can't be given out until I pass court, but you will just have to believe that everyone was pretty darn excited! Here are a few photos of my parents and my sister on that day and one of me gazing at the photo of a little one who may become my daughter.

It's With Great Joy that I Share This News...

I accepted a referral!!! I got it over two weeks ago and it's been so hard to keep it quiet, but I couldn't post until I got the opportunity to share the news with my parents in person and I wasn't able to drive there until yesterday! It's been a crazy couple of weeks filled with insane work and personal obligations but I can finally exhale and share my joy with all of you. She is an adorable little girl with soft curls and beautiful, bright eyes. Though I hold my breath and guard my heart until I pass court, I am thrilled. Two years, five months in the adoption process. 4 months, 2 weeks, 3 days waiting for a referral. It's been a long road but my time has finally arrived.

Here are two videos.
The first one explains the events of that day.
The second one is of me opening her photos.

5 *edited*

Five months waiting. Will this be the month?

EDIT

OK, so, yeah, I had a referral at this point but I couldn't say anything. Sorry for the deception bloggy friends but I couldn't let my parents read about it on my blog!

Coming Out From Under the Fog

Thank you for your supportive comments. It's been a rough week. November is here and with it comes the start of the holiday season and the reminder that once again I will be celebrating without my own family.

Growing up, my family made a big deal out of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Family traditions were repeated year after year. Like many families, it's a special time of year. I have yearned for the day when I can share our traditions and create new ones with a husband and children. For years I have yearned for the day when I can decorate my home with symbols of the season, host Thanksgiving dinner and prepare elaborate holiday meals and treats. For years I have wanted to be the couple who threw festive dinner parties and cocktail parties. For years I have dreamed of the day when I can make gingerbread houses and Christmas cut out cookies with my kids, go caroling, choose a special gift for my husband and help my children wrap gifts over mugs of hot cocoa. I have dreamed of putting out cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeer and seeing my child in the Christmas pageant... I could go on and on. Somewhere along the way I thought the Norman Rockwell vision of the holidays was meant for me. Trust me, being in your 40's and going home for Thanksgiving and Christmas alone is so not Norman Rockwell. Sure, I have a wonderful family who loves me and welcomes me into their homes and hearts despite my whining, negative attitude, constant complaining and feeling sorry for myself. Of course I am not like this all the time and I am sure someone will comment about how ungrateful and self-absorbed I am in this post. And it's true. I am. But I am tired of going through the holidays as an adult without a husband and children. I was 100% sure that this year would be different, but as it turns out I am going to have to face these holidays again with a smile even as I see childhood friends with their husbands and children and as I field questions and comments from friends and family about why I am still not married. Blah.

Don't get me wrong, I know I am blessed. Not every family with spouses and or children is a happy one. Not everyone even has a place to go on the holidays. I am healthy, I have a job, I have friends. But, as as the days inch ever closer to Thanksgiving and then to Christmas, it is a reminder of the things that I don't have, the things that I want more than anything else in the world. I wanted so badly to be able to celebrate my daughter's safe arrival with my parents this holiday season. It brings me to tears to wonder if they may miss the opportunity to ever do this.

Gosh, this is a depressing post. I guess I am still reeling and all emotionally out of wack by the events of this afternoon. I was at work, eating lunch in my classroom and randomly decided to check my phone messages. I had two from ADT saying my alarm had gone off. Panicked, I called them back and they said that the police had responded and informed them that my basement door was open. I grabbed my things, tearfully told my vice principal I had to leave and sped home. I was so scared. I knew I could eventually replace the material items-not that I have much-but I couldn't wrap my mind around someone being in my home, going through my things...not to mention that very few of my photos are backed up (...guess I better add that to my overwhelming to do list...).

I arrived way before the police which annoyed me to no end but gave me quite a bit of time to calm down and put things into perspective. At least I wasn't home. No one is hurt. I can't imagine what kind of response I would have if this had happened when I was home asleep. Or if my girl was sleeping in the other room. Gosh, I don't even want to think about that. So, the police arrive and it turns out that one of them had responded to the call from ADT. She said that the basement door was open (which set off the alarm) but you couldn't gain access. She showed me that indeed it was open about an inch but because I had placed one of my dining room chairs under the doorknob the culprit wasn't able to gain access. I don't know if was the chair or the sound of the alarm, but this evening I am counting my blessings that nothing was taken and no one was is my home and no one was hurt. Praise God.

Seriously, Praise God.

Am I nervous to go to sleep alone tonight? You bet. Being single on days like this really f'n sucks. Damn if I don't want a strong burly man to hold me tight tonight. Instead, my mug of Earl Grey with cinnamon vanilla creamer will have to suffice. And tomorrow I will be adding more security measures to my home.

So, yeah, I am going to spend the holidays without my baby but there are much worse things in life. Am I sad about it? Absolutely. Will I be removing the baby seat from my car and putting it and all reminders of a baby in her room and shutting the door. Sure will. But I am not going to complain anymore. Instead, I am going to celebrate my single status, my freedom and make the best of this holiday season as I possibly can. I am going to decorate my home as if there was a child here to enjoy it. I am going to host dinner parties and cocktail parties. I am going to make gingerbread and Christmas cut out cookies. And I am going to thank God for what I do have and try to remain focused and faithful that this is all in His plan.

I Guess That'll Teach Me

I complained. I hyperventilated. I was anxious and stressed out. I said I didn't have enough time.

So I emailed my agency and asked them if I got a referral soon would I still be able to travel around Xmas. Their reply?

Even if I got a referral today, I should be prepared to not travel before March. March? March!

I needed more time but I wanted to go back and use the time I wasted, not get an extra three months.

I am officially angry. All along I had planned on traveling in October. Hold my paperwork even though there are waiting babies, I told them, because I don't yet qualify for FMLA. So they did. They tried to time it so I could travel the first week of October when I had worked the required 1250 hours. But that was a cruel joke. No, dear, you won't be traveling in October. Or November. Or December. Or January. Or February. Plan on March, they said.

I am angry. I want to cry because I feel like I am wasting my life. Or at least the past two years. I am working in a job I don't love-- stuck in this city, in a holding pattern-- waiting for this little girl. I know it will be worth it in the end, I know that (though I doubt I will forget how trying it has all been like you read from so many adoptive parents who have been put through he!!) but damn if it doesn't suck to not have the money to travel and shop and have fun while I am waiting. And no husband or boyfriend to lean on. Just me, here all alone, with no one to share in my frustration. And if another co-worker or family member asks me "Have you heard anything yet?" I think I am going to screeeeeeeaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmm! NO, I HAVEN'T HEARD ANYTHING YET AND IF YOU KEEP ASKING ME EVERY WEEK UNTIL MARCH SOMEONE IS GOING TO GET CUT.

But seriously, had I known it was going to take this freakin' long I would have taken my overseas job, made a ton of money and traveled all over Asia while I waited. Instead, I am in a low paying job, bored, lonely and with no extra money to do anything but sit here and wait.

I can't help but to complain... and to take a break from this stupid blog and this frustrating and unpredictable adoption process.

I know I am blessed but right now I think all I can manage to do is go cry myself to sleep.

Running Out of Time

I feel like I am running out of time. Knowing that I am about to get a referral, somehow it just became clear that I have a million things to do and there is not nearly enough time. I'm not sure how this happened exactly.. it's not as if I haven't been in this process for, oh, MORE THAN TWO YEARS but somehow it has.

I am still hoping to travel around Christmas time or early January and can I tell you all the things that need to get done in the next 2 months? Yikes! Just writing that and realizing that 2 months is only 8 short weeks made my stomach do flips! How on earth did I let this happen? Do you want to know all the things that I need/want to do? Here is a very small, pared down partial list:

1. find a pediatrician
2. create the nursery (paint, buy furniture, etc.)
3. read up on attachment parenting
4. take CPR
5. learn basic Amharic phrases in case she's a toddler
6. learn basic sign language to communicate while she learns English
7. sign her up for health insurance
8. pick a name!
9. reorganize things around the house to accommodate her/keep her safe
10. decide how much time I can afford to take off since FMLA is unpaid! :-<
11. find daycare
12. rewrite fundraising letter and send out the second batch
13. research the free adoption photographer and set a tentative date
14. cook and freeze several meals
15. get car serviced
16. go to the doctor (primary care, ENT, obgyn, ortho. surgeon, dermatologist and dentist)
17. declutter
18. get shots
19. babyproof
20. get furnace fixed
21. fill out all needed paperwork for health insurance, FMLA, etc.
22. get cell phone fixed
23. get cable fixed and hooked up in other rooms
24. decide on a travel partner or prepare to travel alone
25. find a man (ok, this is a joke..well, not really! I won't be able to date anymore!)


I can't write anymore. I'm starting to hyperventilate. There is not enough time!!!!
Why oh WHY did I wait til the last minute!!???!! What is my problem!

Ahhh....

My living room went from this:


To this:

It's so nice to have my living room back. Please tell me there will be more days where it looks like this even with a child in the house!

Now on to plan a little thank you cocktail party for all those who helped me.
(Plus I need motivation to get the whole house spotlessly cleaned!)