Coming Out From Under the Fog

Thank you for your supportive comments. It's been a rough week. November is here and with it comes the start of the holiday season and the reminder that once again I will be celebrating without my own family.

Growing up, my family made a big deal out of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Family traditions were repeated year after year. Like many families, it's a special time of year. I have yearned for the day when I can share our traditions and create new ones with a husband and children. For years I have yearned for the day when I can decorate my home with symbols of the season, host Thanksgiving dinner and prepare elaborate holiday meals and treats. For years I have wanted to be the couple who threw festive dinner parties and cocktail parties. For years I have dreamed of the day when I can make gingerbread houses and Christmas cut out cookies with my kids, go caroling, choose a special gift for my husband and help my children wrap gifts over mugs of hot cocoa. I have dreamed of putting out cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeer and seeing my child in the Christmas pageant... I could go on and on. Somewhere along the way I thought the Norman Rockwell vision of the holidays was meant for me. Trust me, being in your 40's and going home for Thanksgiving and Christmas alone is so not Norman Rockwell. Sure, I have a wonderful family who loves me and welcomes me into their homes and hearts despite my whining, negative attitude, constant complaining and feeling sorry for myself. Of course I am not like this all the time and I am sure someone will comment about how ungrateful and self-absorbed I am in this post. And it's true. I am. But I am tired of going through the holidays as an adult without a husband and children. I was 100% sure that this year would be different, but as it turns out I am going to have to face these holidays again with a smile even as I see childhood friends with their husbands and children and as I field questions and comments from friends and family about why I am still not married. Blah.

Don't get me wrong, I know I am blessed. Not every family with spouses and or children is a happy one. Not everyone even has a place to go on the holidays. I am healthy, I have a job, I have friends. But, as as the days inch ever closer to Thanksgiving and then to Christmas, it is a reminder of the things that I don't have, the things that I want more than anything else in the world. I wanted so badly to be able to celebrate my daughter's safe arrival with my parents this holiday season. It brings me to tears to wonder if they may miss the opportunity to ever do this.

Gosh, this is a depressing post. I guess I am still reeling and all emotionally out of wack by the events of this afternoon. I was at work, eating lunch in my classroom and randomly decided to check my phone messages. I had two from ADT saying my alarm had gone off. Panicked, I called them back and they said that the police had responded and informed them that my basement door was open. I grabbed my things, tearfully told my vice principal I had to leave and sped home. I was so scared. I knew I could eventually replace the material items-not that I have much-but I couldn't wrap my mind around someone being in my home, going through my things...not to mention that very few of my photos are backed up (...guess I better add that to my overwhelming to do list...).

I arrived way before the police which annoyed me to no end but gave me quite a bit of time to calm down and put things into perspective. At least I wasn't home. No one is hurt. I can't imagine what kind of response I would have if this had happened when I was home asleep. Or if my girl was sleeping in the other room. Gosh, I don't even want to think about that. So, the police arrive and it turns out that one of them had responded to the call from ADT. She said that the basement door was open (which set off the alarm) but you couldn't gain access. She showed me that indeed it was open about an inch but because I had placed one of my dining room chairs under the doorknob the culprit wasn't able to gain access. I don't know if was the chair or the sound of the alarm, but this evening I am counting my blessings that nothing was taken and no one was is my home and no one was hurt. Praise God.

Seriously, Praise God.

Am I nervous to go to sleep alone tonight? You bet. Being single on days like this really f'n sucks. Damn if I don't want a strong burly man to hold me tight tonight. Instead, my mug of Earl Grey with cinnamon vanilla creamer will have to suffice. And tomorrow I will be adding more security measures to my home.

So, yeah, I am going to spend the holidays without my baby but there are much worse things in life. Am I sad about it? Absolutely. Will I be removing the baby seat from my car and putting it and all reminders of a baby in her room and shutting the door. Sure will. But I am not going to complain anymore. Instead, I am going to celebrate my single status, my freedom and make the best of this holiday season as I possibly can. I am going to decorate my home as if there was a child here to enjoy it. I am going to host dinner parties and cocktail parties. I am going to make gingerbread and Christmas cut out cookies. And I am going to thank God for what I do have and try to remain focused and faithful that this is all in His plan.