I never thought I'd be one of
those women. You know the type: the women who agonize over the wait, the ones who harass their agencies and whine and complain about where their referral is and how long it's taking. You know, the ones who check their email (or cell phones) a hundred times a day and feel anxious and stressed because they can't control the situation. The type whose eyes fill up with tears wondering about this child who is soon to be theirs and what the circumstances were that led her first family to make such an agonizing and selfless decision. The type who daydreams about snuggling up with her baby in the dark of night or proudly wearing her in the sling while passersby peer and comment on the sweetness. Have I really become the type of woman who sends a lengthy email to her social worker and the head of her agency at the crack of dawn reminding them of the age range to be sure they are clear and haven't forgotten her?! Have I become that woman who worries constantly that something is wrong with the dossier or that the paperwork was lost or that I will not be getting a baby after all the years and tears and challenges??
Apparently so.
I don't even recognize myself anymore. I used to be so calm and understanding and patient. I was fine with things happening in their due time. Not anymore. I am on pins and needles and am in a constant state of nervousness with all the anticipation and about the unknown. Am I really worthy to parent this child? Am I going to be a good mother? How will becoming someone's mother change me/my friendships/my relationship to my own mother? Not having the answers is all-consuming, yet I can't seem to keep my mind from going to that place.. that place where there's a mixture of curiosity and fear.
I have become the type of woman whom I never understood. Yet now I completely understand
17 comments:
I too became that woman. It's so strange how this process can change a person. Don't worry, you'll be your old self again - AFTER you get that baby girl home!
I think you have. But you know what? It is OKAY. I think everyone who has gone through the adoption experience felt the same way you did. I know I did. I often equate adoption with pregnancy. Right now you are having pre-labor pains. Pushing your way through until you actually give birth, which is the day you receive your referral. I would tell you stand up, raise your right hand and admit, “I AM THAT WOMEN”. But sense you are in pre-labor you can sit down instead of stand up.
Welcome to the club :) It is nice here, and we have cookies!
I never thought I would be that type of woman either...but then lo and behold it happens!
Sigh!
It's shocking but true - it happens to the best of us, given a long enough wait ;-)
I hope your wait is over soon.
I feel your pain and hope your wait is over really really soon!
I had a pretty bad case of post adoption depression, due in part to my expectations. I bought a book and read up on it. You might find it beneficial to do so also, it will help the time go by and also educate you and, possibly, help alleviate some of those mother fantasies/expectations we both seem to have indulged in/developed during "the wait". The reality is oh so different from what I thought... I wish I'd been better prepared. Not saying you will experience PAD, and I certainly hope you don't coz it sucks! But it happens to a lot of us and expectations and the "high" from the busy period beforehand can all lead to a massive drop after placement.
A1S,
I am SOOO not in a fantasy world about parenting. In fact, a few weeks back I posted about being sad about my upcoming loss of being single and my freetime and getting sleep and I think you commented that maybe I wasn't ready to parent! I can't win!! LOL
Truth is, I am VERY AWARE about how challanging it is going to be but like biological parents, I am excited too!!
It's the transition to being a mom. Whatever way it'll happen to you. There is a day you look inthe mirror and think I became that woman.
It will get worse when the kids are there.
You are not "that type of woman". You are simply a woman going through a very stressful situation that is difficult to comprehend unless one is currently in the exact situation. If you truly feel that what you are currently doing is making you feel better, you should keep at it. However, if it is making you behave or feel uncomfortable, anxious,sad etc then you might want to try something else.
As I write this my daughter is asleep in crib having been in my arms for less than a month. It seems so long ago that I would become angry at WHOEVER called me simply because it was not my agency. In reality, it was just a few months ago. Praying that you will soon be in my position. Tonya
Hang in there! I'm in the club too:) Dare I say that I got worse after the referral?
Becky
Single PAP,
There is NO WAY I told you you weren't ready to parent! OMG, I would never say that to anyone (even if I thought it) because it's just too hurtful a thing to say! In fact, I think I commented once that you might want to lose that un-supportive friend who said something similar at one point. Who am I to judge who's ready and who's not? There was one post that had some ambivalent thoughts you were airing, and I might have commented on the ambivalence... but I also think ambivalence is totally normal. I sure had loads of it, and still do to this day. For the record, I don't think you aren't ready to parent, and it's non of my business in any case whether you are or not.
A1s
ps i FINALLY PACKED THE GRANOLA BARS UP AND WILL MAIL BY THE END OF THE WEEK PROBABLY. Opps, caps lock, sorry.
left my comments in that email...Love you...moi
You are agonizing because the wait IS agonizing! You are waiting for your life to change drastically and forever -- that's big! There's nothing to do but ride it out. Not much longer I hope!
Stefanie
Yeah, you are that woman. But in a way it's a good thing. I think you need to go through this phase in order to progress to the next level. Complete and total obsession and tunnel vision - AKA motherhood. If it all hit you at once it might wipe you out. Someday soon you'll look back at this and laugh thinking how carefree you actually were :-). And you'll be loving it.
hang in there. it's not that you have become a certain kind of person. it's just that you are in the middle of something big and emotional over which you have no control. and THAT is exhausting and trying for anyone.
so give yourself a break.
and you are going to be a great mom.
You will be fine. Keep the faith. :)
Sen
We must be related……I’m became that woman too
Post a Comment