Being an AP

There are some curious things I have discovered about adoption and becoming a parent after 40 and trading in my fun single gal life for one of diapers and sippy cups. One is that no matter how prepared you think you are, you will be caught off guard by the things people say and do. If you are in the adoption process these tidbits may help prepare you and you may be better able to handle your responses than I was:

1. You can't complain. Oh no, don't complain about being tired or overextended or short on cash or overwhelmed because, uh, you asked for this. Somehow being a parent to a biological child earns you the right to say you're tired or stressed but when you adopt somehow that disappears and instead is viewed as weakness or ingratitude. One of my childless neighbors was heading out to a party on a Friday night and I wistfully said something about what a nice thing to do on a warm summer evening (as opposed to changing my 857th diarrhea-filled diaper) and my comment was met with something to the effect of 'Well, you created this life so deal with it.' Hmmm... ok. Yes, in fact I did. And I wouldn't trade my daughter in for a guaranteed Friday night party every night for a year, but considering I have only been out three times in almost five months means that well, dammit, I miss adult company and cocktails. Of course some people don't mind hearing complaints and will be supportive, but trust me on this.. the vast majority probably don't want to hear it.


2. You may not get a baby shower. I didn't. I have good friends and a loving, supportive family and they mentioned throwing me one but I never got a baby shower from friends or family. My job threw me one which was really, really nice but it did sting that no one close to me did. I think with a pregnancy everyone knows the arrival date and age of the child so it makes planning a shower a lot easier. They know they have until X date to get it done. With an adoption there is no definitive end date on the calendar so they think there will always be time and then suddenly you are a parent and it's out of their minds.

3. You will get a lot of unsolicited opinions and questions and comments. I have heard an earful and I didn't do a special needs adoption, adopt transracially, adopt out of birth order or adopt siblings. I know these groups of people probably get way more comments and opinions than I do but I still get comments all. the. time. Some don't bother me because I have said or thought some of those same things before I adopted. Others are valid. Some cut to the bone.

* How much did you pay for her?
* Why did her parents give her up?
* How do you know she was really relinquished ethically?
* Why didn't you just adopt right here in DC?
* You should adopt a baby to avoid (insert ailment, attachment issue, personality trait here)
* Why doesn't she talk as much as other kids her age?
* Couldn't you have biological children?
* Why didn't you get married and have kids? ...often followed by: What's wrong with you?
* She is so lucky.
* Why would I adopt when I can have my own?
* I'm not a fan of adoption.
* No one will date you with a child.
* Are you going to tell her she is adopted?
* Do you love her?

4. When you first become a parent, a lot people will disappear. Maybe they are giving you time to bond, maybe they think you don't want company or don't think you can get out, maybe they don't understand you in this new role, maybe they don't like/know how to relate to kids. You can't really blame them when they were used to you being like this:

I used to be fun, the life of the party, up for anything and people were used to that. Expect to feel rejected or lonely at first until people can wrap their minds around you now being a parent and forgive them for taking the time they need to figure out how to now relate to you.


5. You will be warmed by the kind things people say.
* Your daughter will be a blessing to you. Adoption is such a blessing and, yes, it may be hard now but you will be blessed beyond measure in your life together.
* You take care of your daughter now and raise her right as I know you are and she will be with you forever.
* You may not share biology but your child will share your likes and dislikes, your personality, you mannerisms, your beliefs, etc. and those things are just as important in bonding with your child as eye color.
* I am absolutely in love with your daughter!!
* You are a great mom.
* You two have a great bond.
* She is so happy. Good job!


6. People will do things to surprise you.
* offer great advice
* offer to babysit
* send gifts in the mail (even strangers!)
* offer to clean your house
* be a shoulder to cry on or allow you to complain
* prepare dishes of food
* pray for you and your child

Getting into a new role in life takes getting used to, not just for the one who assumed the new role but also for those around him or her. My road to single parenting was full of twists and turns and bumps and even after she arrived there were many rocky times as we adjusted to the newness of it all. Thanks to all of you who helped make it easier for me and to all of you who are making it easier for other new adoptive parents out there! Although we may be too tired to tell you, we appreciate it!