I spent my first Mother's Day with my new daughter and my mom (and other family). It was really nice. My mom wanted me to bring her to church but that only lasted 5 minutes--until Almi wanted to run up and down the aisles. Then we went to brunch, opened cards (teared up while reading aloud the sentiments) and *attempted* to get a 3 generations photo. I got a lot of phone calls and texts and even cards in the mail. I really appreciated everyone's good wishes but I got to be honest...it was all so surreal. Am I really someone's mother? I'm curious to find out when I officially begin to feel like one.
OK, I gotta be honest here. Most blogs are not. But I know I always appreciate ones where people are real and authentic, so here goes. Naomi Winter Almaz is an amazing child. There is no getting around that and I am honored to be chosen to parent her and I will do so the best way I know how. She has been entrusted in my care and I take that very seriously. I truly love her.But.
Yes there's a but..
It is *very* hard.
I am tired.
I feel isolated.
I need help.
I miss my old life.
I have no balance.
I want sleep.
I want more money.
I want to be doing this with a husband.
I wanna cry.
I do cry.
Can I repeat how tired I am?
It has gotten a lot better than the first few days we were together. I still haven't finished blogging about my time in Ethiopia and I will but suffice it to say that it was very, very, very difficult. I thank God my cousin was there to help me out. She got sick. She was grieving. I was exhausted. So it's better now-- a lot better-- I recognize that and know it will continue to get better. But without a lot of language she gets frustrated. And without sleep and without help I get frustrated. Oh and can I also mention the diarrhea?? No diagnosis yet. But really, ugh. And, well, I've been up since 4:00 this morning so that's where this is all coming from. Don't worry, we're hanging in there!! Just venting.
Meanwhile, I go back to work on Monday. I don't want to go, but Almi's in daycare now and seems happy and, well, I need a paycheck! In short, the sick leave bank rejected my claim so I will not get paid one slim dime from the time I was off plus they just informed me that I will be receiving a bill for my health insurance premiums for the time I was out. Yeah, my school district pretty much sucks. And there is nothing more I have to say about that.
My first preschool art project to come home was also my Mother's Day gift!Thanks for all the kind comments about the ER visit!!! She is doing much better!
20 comments:
Laura, I hear you. It is hard. And it is a sacrifice that nobody who's not in it could understand. And I understand frustration and wanting to have someone else to parent with. I've been on my own with Jonah since go, and I can tell you, the first part is the hardest. You will figure out a way to balance your life and your parenting life. When she can communicate better, it definitely wil make it easier. It'll come. Try to get out as much as you like, carting her along, because even if it is painful at first, she will learn that there are high epectations of her. You didn't have little ones running wild and ruling the roost two hundred years ago, I'm sure. I think then there were higher expectations. People are always amazed that Jonah is so well behaved for 1 1/2 hours while I do taekwondo twice a week. And all he brings is a couple of toys. He's grown up with the expectation that he must behave. And so he does. Of course, it's not always perfect. But stash snacks and playdoh and a few special little toys that only come out at restaurants or whatever. It will get easier. And I can't tell you when I started feeling like a parent. It took a while for be to get over the disbelief that I had been entrusted with this vulnerable little fellow. But that too will come. Now, when I drop him off somewhere for a visit or whatever, I actually am sad to see his empty carseat. And I think you will find going to work to be a good thing. Almaz might save he whining and cranking for you (even if she's been happy all day, they'll say) because you are home. You are safe. And getting the balance of being productive at work and having some (even in small amounts) adult contact during the day will be good for you. Happy Belated Mothers Day.
Well Mom...i can tell you when I see you and Almi I see mommy. :-) Sorry to hear about the job, that pretty much stinks but as mothers we learn how to do amazing things and you know what this to shall pass and so YOU will eat rice for an extra meal. lol j/k
First of all, happy first Mother's Day! How wonderful that you could also spend it with your own mother!
Second of all, it IS hard. And anyone who says differently is lying through their teeth. Every time I feel like I'm finding my balance, something happens to throw me out of whack again. But it does get slowly better, even though it's a two-steps-forward-one-step-back kind of progress. And I keep reminding myself that the positive thing about doing this alone is that I get to call all the shots about how to raise my daughter, I don't have to argue with anyone over the best way to do things.
So very sorry about not being paid for our time off! Good luck when you go back to work!
Right before I went to Ethiopia to bring home my then-6 month old, I read a post on the "Another Espresso Please" blog of a Gladney Mom (not single). I think back on it often and, when I read your post, thought to share it with you. Check it out:
http://anotherespressoplease.blogspot.com/search/label/family%20life?updated-max=2008-08-22T07:15:00-05:00&max-results=20
Its about 3/4 of the way down the page and its called "The Grammar of Love."
Hang in there!
Hey Laura, you are right most folks are not honest on their blogs or to afriad w/their feelings and emotions to say they miss thier old life, they are tired, or the adjustment is really really hard for not just child, but for mom too.
I have not blogged about it, but I plan to, one I can wrap my mind around the entire expereince.
I know most folks wld say if you are so tired, then get off the coputer, but I would venture to say its just not a physical type tired feeling, it is very much emotional too.
I think there are reasons why folks do not blog about what you are so honest about, b/c there is a guilt associated with the raw emotion that "every thing" changes. There is a constant question as to why, or how can one have these emotions, or feelings? I thank you for being so honest, and I also say hang in there!
Jocelyn and I have been talking a lot about the transition since Shelitu came home. I think it pretty much always sucks. You just have to stay focused on the fact that it will get better. The people who don't blog about the hard times really are just hiding it. I don't believe anyone has an easy transition. But it will keep getting better and better...not always easy but better. I promise.
I'm hoping you will be able to find one or two other moms with whom you can do some exchange kid care...Like taking turns watching each other's child ...there may be a church group (Mom's Day Out) ...Sorority group. Etc...You ARE a mom, no doubt about that in watching how you and Almi relate to each other.It's so beautiful. M is cogitatig.
your school dist. is jacked up. do we need to start a hate mail campaign?
Laura,
As parents of a biological 4 month old...we are tired, miss our old lives, need more money as well. Parenting is hard. But what is most important is that you have an unbelievably beautiful daughter at home with you. A daughter who will be a part of your life much longer than the dirty diapers and the sleepless nights.
We are currently in the process of our own Ethiopia adoption (just beginning home study now, and your blog has been a great resource to us. We can only hope that our child will be as gorgeous as the one you are now holding in your arms.
Stay strong.
Go into denial. It helps.
Just kidding. Kind of.
It is sooo hard. Try adding 3 large rambunctious and neurotic dogs to your house and you get my life. Yes, I'm ready to throw in the towel and my coping is not so great many days.
Call anytime. Even to vent. I'll vent too.
Why didn't anyone warn me of this??? It was all roses when I announced my plans to become a mom!
Oh, I haven't sent you the book yet,but I have written a note in the front page to you, so know that it's coming. Probably the timing isn't right now for you to have a chance to read it anyway so I'll try not and feel too guilty.
Hang in there. The language will get much better once she's in school, as she'll be imprinting new words all the time. Charlie amazes me with some of the words that come out of her mouth that I know I did not teach her. And with language comes understanding and that makes life MUCH easier. If I can explain WHY C cannot have candy NOW, but she can have it LATER, that avoids a tantrum, etc.
Yes, new- parenting is hard Laura. I've reared one child and I sometimes wonder if God has slowed me down because maybe I don't know what I'm asking for. However, when I see how happy you are and what a blessing adoptive parents are to these wonderful beautiful children, I can't help but believe it's all worth it.
I'm so glad for your honesty because I'm sure there's many days I'll think the same thing and honestly, that scares me.
Be assured that you will continue to adjust and most things will become second nature for you. Michelle was right, fake it until you make it baby!
Continue to look foward to aspects of your new life everyday because nothing is as amazing as motherhood, even though it's the hardest job in the world. When she reaches that milestone of graduating HS and starting college, every long night you've spent will be a big blur, so continue to enjoy your sweetums!
Happy Belated Mother's Day to an amazing new mom!!!
It is super hard Laura! You are not alone. Raising an infant/ toddler is no easy job. Even when you are married, at times you feel so alone and isolated. We love our kids, but we yearn for the freedom we once had. Our transition has been super hard, but day by day it gets better. Not perfect, but better. We've been home 4 months. Going back to work will definitely make you feel better; believe it or not.
I know how tough it is, but hang in there. There are many of us going through the same thing you are. Let me know if you want to form a local "moms co-op" and swap babysitting services sometime. I'm open. Having a little "me" time will definitely make you feel a little better.
Happy Mother's Day! You are doing a great job. I always love to read blogs of people who tell it like it is. :)
Becky
Laura, find someone close by that you trust Naomi with and just get in your car and DRIVE (until the gas hand moves a notch). Stop, get out, WALK around a store like a zombie and eat your favorite piece of candy (trick the calories, it's about sanity) ---Motherhood is draining, yet you have to let yourself have some downtime/metime to regroup without guilt.
Hi Laura,
My daughter has been home for 3 years this week. She is NOT EASY and single parenting for me is NOT EASY. That said, my daughter, like yours, is amazing, and she adds so much LIFE to my life. She will be 4this summer and I'm counting on 4 being the magic number. :) There are many things I miss from the days when my time was my own. I think that is the hardest part of becoming an "older" mother (I'm in my 40's). I was very used to endless time to do what I pleased. NO MORE! But you know that already. I guess what I'm saying is I can totally relate, it IS the hardest thing, and I would never go back anyway.
One day at a time --
Stefanie, mom to the amazing, exasperating Tiana
Laura, I am a single mama adopting from Ethiopia (and a kindergarten teacher too!) and I just wanted to add my voice saying thank you for your honesty. I am still on my journey towards bringing my child home and appreciate following your journey and learning from you. Thank you!
I hear ya. Even though we've beeen home 10 months and I have a better half I still feel that way some days. I just think that 1.tomorrow is a new day and 2.this won't last forever.
I always marvel at how single mums are able to manage it all. Kudos to you!
Lorie
Laura-
You will make it through the rough patches; just take it one day at a time.
You are a GREAT Mom as evident by all of the smiles on your daughter's face.
Happy Belated Mother's Day!!
Email me if you need to chat.
Sen
Hi, I'm kind of new to your blog and it's been quite a while since I last visited it. Congratulations on the adoption of your beautiful daughter! She's gorgeous and I love all the fantastic photos! All the best with your new adventures in parenthood!
Hi there,
I'm new to your wonderful blog and am really glad that I found you. You have such a beautiful little girl, and I wish you all blessing in your new Mommy role.
I look forward to reading all of your blog entries, as I'm also interested in International Adoption. All the best, eveshouse.blogspot.com
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