Oh, Parenting

The other day, when I dissolved into tears after putting Almi down to bed, I got online and ordered some parenting books. As a teacher, one with excellent classroom management, it's hard to see yourself having such a hard time with your child. I mean, I can handle 20 plus Kindergartners, why can't I handle a two year old? Well, it's totally different. I don't know how but it just is. Factor in her age, her adoption, my insecurities, her needs, our personalities, my need for control, her need for control, my need for approval, her need for independence... well, it's just different. And trust me when I tell you, before I had children I really didn't like being around them (after work that is). If they were in the next booth at the restaurant I was annoyed. I didn't want to hear their whining or crying during my meal so I am extra sensitive when she acts up in public because I know most people aren't sympathetic. They want me to get her to stop.

I don't even remember what she did now and thankfully she doesn't reduce me to tears too often. I was probably just extra tired and stressed out. For the most part she is a good little girl but she likes to test me and to express her growing independence. She stomps her foot at me when she's angry (I try not to laugh because though not appropriate it is so darn cute), she yells "no!!" a lot and whines way too much. What is it with the whining?! Man, that's annoying. I don't know where she picked that up but that is one of the first things I want to stop. She's better behaved than many, but has room for improvement in my book.

So, through my tears and aggravation, I caved and ordered parenting books. That was a hard pill to swallow--I never thought I would need to do that-- but I bit the bullet and did. And I am glad I did. Why suffer through trying different techniques and strategies? Why not just do what the experts say works? And if my child's behavior is in part a reflection of my parenting, well then help a sistah out! One of the books didn't bowl me over but I am most impressed with 1*2*3 Magic. I haven't finished reading it yet but I have still started to implement the strategies. So far, so good. I'm confident when I finish the book and do it properly that it will work with her. Yes! Basically, from what I have read so far, it is used to stop behaviors you don't want (like tantrums, whining, etc.) When the unwanted behavior starts, you tell your child, "That's one" and wait to see if they change the behavior. Most two year olds won't so in a few seconds you say, "That's two" as you hold up two fingers. Again, you give the child about five seconds or so to think about the consequences of their actions. If you get to three a consequence is administered. It can be a time out (the number of minutes equaling the child's age) or taking away something of importance to them like TV or dessert or something appropriate for your household and your child's age. Then, after the time out, there is no discussion about it. Everything just goes back to normal. It avoids yelling and lectures and hitting and drama. All of which I am trying to avoid.

I know the adoption community is against time outs. The fear I guess is we don't want the child to feel a sense of abandonment all over again. I don't know if I agree with this. I mean, she would only be in time out for two minutes. She is alone for more than two minutes when I run to the bathroom, grab a phone call or if she is playing while I am cooking dinner. I don't think she will be scarred for life for a two minute time out and the beauty of it is it gives both parent an child time away from each other to cool down and think. Sometimes my time out chair is within view though I do think there is something to be said for removing a child from a situation sometimes even if he/she is adopted. And I feel my daughter is attached so that certainly factors in but in the end I guess each parent needs to decide what is best for his/her child.

There is more to it and, like I said, haven't read the whole book but it seems to be working so far. If she starts acting up and I get to 2, she yells, "No two! No two!!" and I respond, "Well, then stop doing XYZ so I don't get to 3" and she usually does. I hear that after awhile all you have to do is calmly say, "That's 1" and the behavior stops immediately. I look forward to that day!

Having my child listen to me the first time a direction is given and to be pleasant more often than no, is my goal. She's a toddler so tantrums and defiance are part of the age, but I don't want to be the parent with the screaming four year old in the candy aisle of the grocery store and I don't want to be the parent who gets calls from her Kindergarten teacher for poor choices in school. She's only two but I got my first taste of that the other day when I got Almi's report card. It wasn't a total shock since they have been telling me for a couple of months now that she is having a hard time listening, but it is hard to see it in black and on her formal report card. For posterity.



My goal is to have the 4th reporting period end on a good note. I want to see them write that she has done an excellent job with listening or improved her listening skills or something like that. I know we can't completely control how our children act, and some children have physical, emotional or mental health issues that make compliance more difficult, but we can still try to instill values and appropriate behavior into our children--even our toddlers! They may not become ingrained until they are 25 but at least we can try. Or at least I will try.

**P.S. - Happy 86th birthday, Dad! ♡♡♡ I love you!! ♡♡♡