December is special and magical and it's been fun to experience it through the eyes of my daughter. I've been waiting for years for this experience and it's great--I seriously love it-- and I will be posting about all these wonderful things. But I gotta be honest. December has also been one of the hardest months yet.
Like the rest of America, it's been really, really busy and I am spending night after night burning the midnight oil. Between work obligations, Christmas cards, gifts, hosting, looking for a new job, trying to get organized plus parenting a child who is two and not totally verbal (and who therefore cries when she can't communicate her wants and needs)--well, suffice it to say that I am done.
I can count on one hand the number of times I have gone out in the last ten months (necessary me time) and it has officially gotten o.l.d. I can't take it anymore. Love my daughter, but I love myself, too and I have completely neglected myself and my wants and needs. I want to go on dates! I want to go to a movie! I want to go on a trip! I want to eat in a nice restaurant! I want to do crafts! I want a nail/spa/hair appointment! I want to take a fuckin' nap, dammit!!! I am officially burnt out. I realize it's not about me-- which is why I haven't gone out in ten months-- but I also know that balance is necessary for happiness and I do not have it. I am MORE than a parent!!!!!!!
Posting this is risky. I am putting my frustrations out there in blogland and subjecting myself to anonymous commenters who will sit smugly in front of their computer screens and type judgemental things. But you know what? Go ahead. I don't care. I'm prepared. I couldn't feel any more frustrated or annoyed than I do now anyways so, seriously, go ahead.
Tell me I asked for this. I've heard it before.
Tell me it must be me because your Ethiopian child is easy to parent and every moment brings you joy. Lucky you.
Tell me that you told me so. That you could see this coming. That I should have started spanking her at 20 months. I've heard that before, too.
Tell me get over myself, stop complaining, suck it up. You're right and I'm trying.
But right now I am straight up frustrated and I wanna vent.
Here's a glimpse into the past few weeks. The phrase of December is "I dohwanna" (even if she wants to). Oh, and let's not forget "no", which is often yelled in my face.
Almi, it's time for bed. "I dohwanna bed!"
Almi, it's time for a bath. "I dohwanna bat!"
Almi, it's time to eat dinner. "I dohwanna ee!"
Almi, let's watch Elm0. "I dohwanna Emm0!"
Oh, and the tears. They start when she doesn't get her way. They don't last long but, Lord help me, it's ten times a day. She's happy and laughing one minute and whining and crying the next. Some friends say I am too soft with her; others say it's because she's a Gemini; others chalk it up to her age.
I think it's partly because she's a very social creature and when it's just the two of us at home she gets bored. The blocks, puzzles, dolls, cooking projects, coloring books, Elm0 videos, etc., are fun for a while but what she really likes is interacting with people. They can be 2 year olds or 10 year olds or grown ups. She doesn't discriminate, she just likes to be around a lot of people. I say this because she never cries at daycare and she's happy when other people are over. In fact, she goes all day laughing and smiling and following directions and then comes home and is a different child. And the playing at home is busy and loud and active. She rarely sits quietly and plays with her tea set. That lasts for about 5 minutes. She's loud, rambunctious, strong, active, wild, dramatic, energetic. She wants me to chase her and build with her and jump up and down and dance and laugh and scream and climb on me (and the furniture) and explore and take things apart. And oh, she loves to purposely do things she has been taught not to do. She will find something and put it in her mouth and then come show me. She will reach for the hot water faucet in the tub and look to see my reaction. She will make a beeline for electrical cords and light switches. She will bring me things she isn't supposed to be touching in the first place (remotes, my camera, cell phone) as if to say 'yeah, I know I'm not supposed to touch this so here ya go.' She's mischievous and sneaky (in a funny, playful way) but it means I have to be on my toes 24/7. I read somewhere that parents should try their best to play for at least 15 minutes a day with their children. Fifteen minutes! Ha, what a joke. In a week that would be, what, an hour and 45 minutes? We have done more than that in one day.
Another reason I believe is a factor is her difficulty communicating. Receptively, her language is amazing. But her expressive language, though not atypical for a 30 month old child (and certainly not a second language learner) lags behind. I am sure she gets frustrated when she can understand everything I am saying but can't get me to understand everything she is saying. I am going to set up an appointment for a speech evaluation next week. I worry when I read on Facebook and blogs what other people's children are able to express by her age. A lot of Ethiopian children seem to gain total English fluency in a matter of months, even children her age. I know children develop at different rates but I know my child is bright so I am concerned.
So there you have it. December, though amazing and magical in so many ways, has been difficult to fully enjoy. Instead I lay awake wondering, 'How can I make our time together more enjoyable?' or the worse, 'Am I destined to be a broke, exhausted single parent?' I am tired, concerned, frustrated (and she is too) and people, let me tell you, it ain't no crystal stair.
Yeah, I said it. It's out there in print, forever. But I don't care. In fact, I'm actually happy about. You know why? Because it's real. This isn't a sunshine/rainbows/unicorns blog. It's where I can share and express myself and keep a record of our lives together---the amazing, the good, the bad, the ugly. Parenting isn't always fun or easy and single parenting (even if you dreamed of it for years) can be no fun and downright exhausting.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
15 comments:
Don't worry. You are not alone. Almi reminds me so much of my daughter that I'm actually glad to hear someone else is going through the same things. My daughter went through the same phase, actually, she still is in that phase only now she has added negotiating to her list of arsenol against me lol. Just one more book mama...just one more second etc. It feels like it will never end. We just moved to a new city and I do not have any friends. Even if I could go out I wouldn't have anyone to go out with. Plus living with my parents excludes any chance of just being alone ever. ughh..single parenting can definitely take its toll even on the best of us...even on those of us who chose to be single parents. Don't feel bad :) You are just gaining the coping skills to deal with things like this in the future...you know when you have a teenager screaming at you or begging to stay out an hour longer lol
I hear you.
I wasn't big on going out before I became a parent, so I don't miss that, but I definitely know what you mean about needing ME time!
I can also relate to the frustration with hearing NO all the time. Sometimes I just don't know what to do to get Elfe to listen to me!
I have a friend who used early intervention speech therapy for her non-adopted son when he was having some of the same issues you describe with Almi, she resisted doing it at first - didn't want to admit HER child might need that kind of service - but said it made a tremendous difference for their family. Hope it works out for you too!
My heart goes out to you. Will post a longer response once I know this goes through. I have never been successful at posting a response.
I wish we lived closer and I could come over and help. Sincerely. As far as expressive language, I don't know a single ET child that's fluent after a few months, not at any age. People say that but I haven't seen it.
Spanking will not have gotten you one iota of obedience. Watch spanked children and non-spanked and there is almost no difference in their behavior just the smugness of their parents. Keep talking and explaining, it will work.
Quinn is especially social also and I agree with you that boredom is huge with these children. Quinn LOVED daycare. Was sad the 4 days he wasn't in daycare. We had a great time but he wanted more people. Are you starting to meet any other families through the daycare? If not perhaps send a note to them that you would like to get together for sat/sun one hour play dates. Once you get together you may find a family that you mesh with and than you and they will have a support system. It's very very very hard at first. Overwhelming. But as you meet others, perhaps especially single parents, it will get easier.
One other thing about crying (Quinn is still a crier and he's 8) she may be saving up all her little frustrations for you. She can be herself with you. If she's good about picking up social clues she may actually be holding in some of her emotions at daycare. Everytime she cries she's being open with you in a way she might not be with her daycare workers. Quinn was and still is like that with us. Not that he doesn't cry in public, he still does, but it's so much more at home.
December is INSANELY hard. January will be easier. Hang in there Mama. You are doing an amazing job!
You need that time... When my children say they don't wanna do something the usual answer is:YOu don
't have to want it you just have to do it....
It doesn't help it but I vent some frustration in that answer!
Try to find you time...You need it. Liz had a posty about this a while ago
Mijk
I know it is so hard. Hoping you get a break soon. My boys have totally started throwing more fits in the last week and have reached my breaking point too. Usually they are short, like you said, but last night (in public of course) one through a 20 minute fit. So hard to deal with, but I didn't give in.
I really don't know how single moms do it, you are an inspiration.
Hugs
L:
Hang in there; it will get better.
Raising kids is hard no matter what because they have their own "little" personality that may not always match yours. LOL
Also; remember your daughter was around a few kids for a while so she is use to having an automatic playmate and receiving a lot of attention. She will get use to it being only the two of you then you will become her bff. :)
Don't access your daughter's speech based on others because what they define as success may not meet your definition plus ppl exaggerate.
Also; try meetup.com and see if there is a single mom's group that you can join where everyone gets togethers for support.
I know everything will work out! Delete all negative comments. If ppl can't/won't offer something nice to say then they should keep their mouth shut or better yet not use a keyboard.
Blessings,
Sen :)
Hugs to you Laura! I know EXACTLY how you feel. Morgan is similar to Almi although a year younger (funny and happy, but also very strong willed, active, independent, and emotional). It is BEYOND exhausting, and what I wouldn't give for a nap!! Hopefully the time will get much easier as they age.
Let me just say, after bringing Eli home I was in total amazement of single parents. Parenting is hard when you have another person on your team to take up the slack. There are days when Ben walks in the door and I immediately pass Eli off. I can't imagine doing this alone day in and day out. Do take some time for yourself. It makes you a better parent and a better YOU!
Honey, I still think it might be good to contact the folks you knew...(Leah, Lynn Robinson) re cleaning help, etc... Also some good suggestions from the blog folks re getting together with other single moms...and also with the day care parents...Great picture in that deep pink jacket that snowy day...9dO YOU HAVE THAT BOOK...the snowy day?mmm
You're not alone. I need a break too. I've had a few breaks recently - but those were to run errands and get holiday stuff done. I haven't had any me time in months and months.
I think if we were married we "might" have more me time (although I'm sure my married friend's opinions on this would differ.) But we are single. It is what it is. I don't really know what the answer is...
All I can tell you (and I've told you before) is that in our house - three years old is so much better than two! Hang in there.
I think being a mother is just plain hard. The more people in your life there are, the less space there is for you and your needs/wants. And if you do find the time, there is a large chance you won't find the money.
I just about lose my mind going home after 9 hours at work and a 45 minute commute both ways only to be bombarded by a house full of people with demands. Right now, it's so bad I became full of silent rage when my husband asked for a backrub. I fly around granting wishes all day long and when I find 30 seconds to sit down (not in peace and certainly not quiet)he chimes in with his requests. But if i say that then I'm being a B****. So I don't say it, I sigh and start another day wondering when I'm going to be able to go pee without a search party coming after me.
You are doing a fantastic job and know that though it doesn't get much quieter, or less busy, it does get a little easier. You seem to beautiful a person inside and out to worry about being alone, but when you are worried about it ask yourself if you really have the energy to add backrubs to the to-do list. :)
Also - on the speech thing. At two and a half - Holly was still not putting two words together. I was starting to get worried but by the time she turned three - she was using sentences. She was adopted at about the same age as Naomi so hang in there.
Sistagirl, VENT!!! It's in freedom and liberty that you can VENT and not give a rat's fat or skinny azz about what cyberfolks think, say or do----especially since the negative writers aren't in your house cleaning it, cooking your dinners, washing your hair, drawing your bath water, reading for 20 minutes to Ms. A, mixing a mean Long-Island Ice Tea with extra rum (hey, I'm keeping mine real)AND writing you a check for $45,000.00 just because you handle yours as an Educator!
You see, the way I see it It's like the youngin's of the East Bay say to me, when I have to let my words and voice rip through the atmosphere: "Ms. Jebena, you spit and split like that's your word."
NTA: Baby-girl's energy is her blessing---hug her for me and Keep Your Head Up---you are doing an excellent job---Abeshas are proud of you ET-style!
I loved reading this post because it's were I was 2-3 months ago. Of course I thought it was partly related to me not being able to eat having my jaw wired shut. But it's also funny because I'm reading this today after just treating myself to a mani & pedicure. The first mani this year and the 1st mani since before July 4th when my sister was visiting. It's sad when your treat is a simple manicure. Add that to it was my 40th birthday treat makes it even crazier. before I would have thought nothing of going and getting one.
I realized today that I need to take care of myself too. Otherwise both of us will be worse off. We need time to decompress. married folks may criticize us but they do the same. I have married friends who have babysitters for evenings out w/ the hubby (this isn't any different than you being on a date), some treat themselves to weekly manicures, they have their older kids watch the younger ones & the list goes on and on and on.
So don't feel bad about wanting to get out. I started just before my surgery taking one evening a week (just a couple hours) to go out - maybe meet friends for happy hour or just go to the store by myself. It was worth the $30-40. I stopped when I couldn't eat for 10 weeks but started it back up last week (ok so it was a work evening christmas party but it was still an adult only outing). I also broke down & decided to get someone ( ayoung person) to live-in to help - so this cancelled out afternoon daycare costs. It's more economical and gives me a ton of flexibility because we agreed on 1 evening a week and at least 2 weekend nights a month. Once she starts classes we'll re-work our schedule a little if necessary. The privacy I had to give up has so far outweighed the benefits.
Hopefully renting out your apartment in the new year will free up some funds for you to take some time for yourself. Or find a grad student or something who is living to live in the apartment discounted in exchange for some childcare services. It has helped a great bit for me and it's only week 2. And the little one has adjusted well to our new live-in family member.
Wishing you the best for the holiday season and for the new year!
Post a Comment