Naomi used to go to sleep without too much fuss. She might cry for a minute but rarely even that. I don't know if this is going to be a long term problem but for the past few weeks she has drawn out bedtime more and more.
She wants some water.
She needs to go to the potty.
She needs baby/bunny/doggy.
She wants to be held.
She wants me to sing more.
The past few days, now even after all of that she will cry when I go to leave the room. Only a couple of times since I have brought her home did she cry for more than a minute so I went in to check on her. I'm glad I did because one time her foot was stuck in the crib slats and another time she needed a diaper change.
But now the crying is every night and it lasts for more than a minute. I have told myself if I have already gotten baby/sang the songs/taken her to the potty than it's probably nothing more than just wanting to stay up and play with me.
But a screaming baby is really hard to ignore. And then there's the whole adoption/attachment/security/unknowns/new parenting factors. You know, does she just want to stay up (yes, I'd say if she were a bio child) but in this case could there be more to it?
I read on blogs how single parents let their kids sleep in their beds or even how their kid can't sleep unless she is in bed with the child. Or I read how they have to stay in the room until the child falls asleep. I don't know how they do that because as a single mom I need my sleep. I need to be productive at work and sleeping in bed with a child (getting kicked all night) or in the same room with my baby (being awaken by coughing, crying, shifting) will interfere with my sleep. If I am (more) exhausted, how am I going to function?
And if I stay in her room til she falls asleep like I did last night, how productive can I be at home? Most of my evening is already dedicated to parenting (playing, cooking, dishes, bathing, playing, stories, singing, rocking...) that the 2 hours of left before I get tired are necessary to relax/read/pay bills/return phone calls/blog/whatever and eating into that is seriously going to put me over the edge.
I can't risk falling asleep early every night. I sleep pretty much 7 hrs like clockwork so if I am asleep by 9:30 then I am pretty likely going to wake up at 4:30, or earlier. I woke up at 2:30 this morning and have been up since.
If this child had been born to me I might let her cry it out, but this whole adoption dynamic has me questioning the best way to proceed.
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Adoption Timeline
- 2.25.10-3.07.10 - traveled to ET!
- 2.12.10 - bought tickets!!!!!
- 2.12.10 - more shots! ouch!
- 2.2.10 ~ passed court!! i'm a mommy!!
- 1.26.10 ~ didn't pass court... new one scheduled for Feb. 2nd
- 1.4.10 ~ court date - Jan. 26th!!
- 1.4.10 ~ oh, here it is!!
- 1.3.10 ~ where is my court date??
- 10.29.09 ~ REFERRAL !!
- 8.21.09 ~ passport arrived
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- 7.08.09 ~ dossier mailed to ET
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- 5.21.09 ~ I-171H arrived!!!
- 4.17.09 ~biometrics appt.
- 3.27.09 ~ mailed HS to CIS
- 2.27.09 ~ finished HS - FINALLY!!
- 1.29.09 ~ ordered another birth certificate! (yes, the date of when it was issued is important! go figure!)
- 12.23.08 ~ picked a new agency
- 1.21.09 ~ final HS meeting
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- researched new agencies
- 11.18.08 ~ was informed by Gladney that due to new regulations my adoption won't be processed until 2012.
- 8.1.08 ~ filed the I600A
- 7.29.08 ~ received birth certificate
- 7.28.08 ~ physical & bloodwork (update)
- 7.17.08 ~ ordered birth certificate
- 5.21.08-6.21.08 ~ volunteered in an orphanage in Addis Ababa to learn more about adoption and my future child's birth country and culture
- 5.12.08 ~ shots (ouch!)
- 5.8.08 ~ got fingerprinted
- 4.20.08 ~ Gave up job in Manila to stay and adopt
- 4.15.08 ~ informed by Gladney that they cannot complete my adoption if I move overseas
- 4.1.08 ~ US entered into Hague Convention for International Adoption
- 3.13.08 ~ Got copy of driving record from DMV
- 3.7.08 ~ 3rd HS
- 2.24.08 ~ Accepted dream job in Manila
- 2.11.08 ~ 2nd HS
- 1.11.08 ~ 1st HS
- 9.13.07 ~ Chose World Child for HS
- 8.28.07 ~ Registered with Gladney
- 7.12.07 ~ Physical & bloodwork
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9 comments:
Obviously, with all the sleep stuff I've blogged about, I'm not a fan of cry-it-out. Honestly, I don't think it's good for any child but especially not a recently adopted one. Age may be part of the reason she's starting to do all of this at bedtime but it may also be testing...that she's become more confident in your presence and care and now she's testing it to see if you'll follow through.
I know cosleeping doesn't work for everyone but it might not be as hard as you think. Blueberry is back in my bed (since Halloween scared her) but she is finally able to go to sleep on her own with the reassurance that I'll be in to sleep with her later.
One other thing...have you tried the kissing hand with her? Will she understand that? It has made a world of difference for Blueberry at school but I could totally see it helping at night too.
That's interesting. Holly went through a very similar thing. Holly slept very well for about 6 months when she first came home. Then she started crying at bedtime and I pretty much had to sit in there until she fell asleep.
We co-sleep now because it actually helps me get a good night sleep. If we don't co-sleep she is up crying and coming to my room which I find more disruptive. I'm not sure how I will ever wean her off of the co-sleeping but I'm not worrying about it right now.
One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given was so simple, almost to be condescending: "They are only this age once."
I didn't truly understand it with my first child, because like you, I was living it every moment of every day. The hardships seemed never ending. Now my 'baby' is 4, and she no longer needs me to rock her or hold her or sing to her (though book reading is always welcome!!). It made me realize that while yes, when I'm living it, it's a PITA, it really is over in a blink of an eye.
With my second child, I'm a lot more about him than about me, just because I now have proof that everything is just a phase, and before I know it, I'll be yearning for the days when he wants me to hold him and cuddle him and sing to him some more.
Not always of course. I admit that I'm human too, and when he won't go to sleep, and I really just want to go [fill in the blank], I get short tempered, and just want to let him cry it out. But... then I look in the bedroom next door and see my big baby girl and know that "this too shall pass."
For me, it really was all about perspective, but admittedly, I didn't get that with my first child. It took her growing up and us having a second child that really clarified the truth of the statement in the first paragraph.
Hang in there. Remember it's just a phase, and in my experience, the more patient I am with these phases, they more quickly they pass by. The more impatient and pushy, the more my kids continue the phase behaviors. (Ugh!)
I had these problems too- and was never sure what to do. I did sleep with B til he fell asleep for almost 3 months after getting home. However, when I had to go back to work-I HAD to get some real sleep.
Another family/friend of mine suggested melatonin at night. I used it on an as needed basis to help calm him down-and it worked AMAZINGLY WELL!
A lot of pharmacies have a liquid version for children but I used half a pill and just mixed it with water about an hour before I was going to put him down.
Since you have been home a little longer than me I would think it isn't attachment as much as "normal" childlike behavior.
Good Luck!
thanks for your suggestions and insight!! will keep you posted.
We don't co-sleep nor have we ever (after the first 30 days.) We also never did the cry-out. So...there are times we sat in the room and cuddled for a long time. They were always phases. I do think adoption adds it's tensions but even Q went in and out of phases when he seemed more 'anxious' for lack of a better word. Our pediatrician told us that going through a developmental leap can result in difficulty sleeping or going to sleep for a short while.
So...during those times where he couldn't settle so easily we did hang out a little longer and we kept more of a routine than before. We also did more dancing than usual to wear him out. We always danced before dinner when he was a toddler but we added a few more minutes. Also, certain foods can make babies groggy which might help. Then we would be extra cuddly and we would try to quietly walk out just as he was falling to sleep. If he started crying we would come right back and rub his back until he was comforted. We never held him till he was asleep but we would sit in a chair next to his crib and then his bed.
These stages never really lasted very long - but there were times they felt long! In any case we got our sleep which was needed. We also did our reading as he was falling asleep, a book, the paper, whatever. He has no sleep issues - and once he was in pre-k he was pretty good about falling to sleep in a consistent way.
Good luck! I know it can seem like it's dragging on forever!
I lie down with her until she's asleep and I admit that I find it really annoying. But I find the screaming more annoying and I don't know if it's attachment or age or manipulation so I err on the side of attachment and do it.
She also climbs in bed with me at something like 2-4 a.m. I find that frustrating becasue she doesn't kick but she crowds. But again, the alternative of getting up to try to get her back into her own bed--I can't do it.
I must admit part of it is me being annoyed because I NEED my time and my sleep, and part of it is me being worried that she's not okay and that whatever I do is making it worse. hard choice.
Now with S, she's very clear: she wants ME. She doesn't want potty or toy or water, it's me.
I finally feel like I've got the sleeping thing handled, mostly because I gave up my resistance to the fact the Elfe just isn't ready to sleep alone. Three or four nights a week, I go to bed at the same time she does. I get up about an hour before she does in the morning so I can get things done, and I think I'm going to start getting up even earlier on the nights I go to bed at the same time she does. I've woken up at 4:30 a few times because I've gone to bed so early with her, and I'm starting to think I should just get up then instead of trying to go back to sleep because 4:30 seems too early to wake up. I had a hard time getting good sleep for a long time in the beginning because of her thrashing, but now I think we're both used to co-sleeping and either she has settled down or I have learned to sleep through the kicks to the ribs!
Hope you figure out something that works for you guys!
I've mostly co-slept w/ Israel since bringing him home almost 6 months ago - my how time flies. Although in the past he was ok when I started transitioning him to his room. but then lots of traveling messed that up. Now he doesn't like going to sleep in his room when I'm still up, However, I do find that he will go to bed earlier if I put him in my bed and tell him I'll be in later after I clean up the dishes and finish up some things. He generally says ok and is knocked out by the time I return. I think I had 2 nights where I followed Nanny Joe's (from the TV show) and just kept taking him back without talking. The 1st time I did tell him that I wasn't going to talk to him because he was supposed to be sleep so he knew I wasn't just ignoring him. The 2nd time I put a baby gate and now whenever I put him in his bed or mine he stays. He may cry but it last a few minutes. It's hard emotionally. If he;s really upset in his bed - after he calms down - I'll let him move to my bed. I do sleep with 3 pillows deep btwn us to keep him from kicking me at nite w/ my broken jaw.
But I find the best things that work for him to get to sleep is some activity after I pick him up from school. The days he had soccer practice he was out. Before the time change he'd come home and ride his bike or scooter outside for at least 1/2hr. It made a big difference in whether he went down more easily after taking a bath/shower. A couple of my friends have laughed because they heard him in the background telling me he was tired. Every mother's dream! They were like did he say what I thought he said. Yep!! DOn't get me wrong I don't hear it often enough. Today we traveled so it took a while to get him to sleep - but hotels and time changes will do that to you. Plus reading helps him calm down so tonite we only got through 1/2 of Oh the places you'll go by Dr. Seuss. He said I could finish the rest tomorrow. This is the 1st book I read to him in Ethiopia so it has special meaning for both of us. Good Luck.
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