Monser, Mommy!

This morning Naomi woke up very early so after a quick trip to the potty we both got back into my bed and went back to sleep. Later that morning we were chatting on my bed and she said to me, "Mommy, I'm sared (scared)" and snuggled in for a hug.
"Why Pumpkin, what's wrong?"
"Monser, Mommy! Monser sare me."
"There no monsters, Pumpkin. Don't be scared."
"Yes, Mommy! Monser der!" and she pointed off the side of the bed to an empty space on the floor.
"Really, Pumpkin? You see a monster?"
"Yes, Mommy. I sared."
"What color is the monster?"
"Blue."
"Blue?"
"Yes," she replied nodding her head with a worried look on her face.
"How many eyes does it have?"
"One, two, three, four."
"Four eyes?"
"One. One eye."
"What color is his eye?"
"I no no. I can' see it."
"What's the monster doing?"
"He eatin'." ... "No, Monser! No do dat."
"What's he doing?"
"He eatin' on da for (floor)."
"No do dat Monser. Der germs. Der germs on the for."
Then she got distracted and fell back on the bed and chatted for a bit. When she sat back up a minute later she looked back to the same spot and then turned to me and said, "Mommy. Where da monser go?"
"It's gone?"
"Where he go, Mommy?"
"I don't know, Pumpkin. He's gone?"
"Where he go?"

Interesting. Very interesting! Can I say how fun it is to have her around now that she can communicate with me.. even if it is about scary, blue one-eyed monsters!

NaBoPoMo 2010

NaBloPoMo?! Am I crazy?! Yes, especially with traveling for the holidays. Am I setting myself up for failure? Oh, very possibly. But I'm gonna try anyway! Wish me luck!

Today I will leave you with two comments I got from the custodians at my school.

1. One day after school one of them was sweeping up my classroom and saw Naomi. He said, "Oh, is this your daughter?" "Yes," I replied. "She looks just like you." I just smiled.

2. Last week another custodian was in my classroom. He saw a picture of my daughter. "Is that your daughter?" "Yes," I replied. "You must have been with a very black man." Alrighty then.

Good luck to all my fellow NaBloPoMo participants!

Maybe I'm Just Premenstrual

I sent out adoption announcements this week. There were three photos of my daughter and me in Ethiopia and one of her at home. To the photos I added her full name and the words "Home Forever, March 2010". I love how they turned out. The first call I got about it was from my old friend, M. She left a message about how sweet it was, almost made her cry, she's so happy for me that this finally happened, etc. etc. So far, so good. Well we talked later on today. She reiterated about how cute Naomi is and how happy she was for me and then the conversation turned towards her family and her desire to have a daughter. I asked how that was going and she said her husband wanted her to consider adoption. Cool, I thought. Until she said, "...but I'm not into adoption. Why would I adopt when I can have one of my own?" She then went on to say something about nearing 40 and the risks of having a child biologically going up so she thinks this is it for her family. Hmmm, ok, so your husband is interested in adoption but you are so against it that you feel your family is done.

I was too stunned to respond appropriately. I'm sharing the most important thing that has ever happened to me and you tell me you're not "into it". That's fine, you don't have to be "into it"-- not everyone is-- but wow. That stung. Can the ink dry on my adoption announcement before you tell me how you really feel? What should I have said? Or better yet, what should I say now-- if anything? It is still bothering me. But maybe I'm just premenstrual...

Single Parenting Revisited

Isn't this dress just the cutest?! It's so unique.. looks French to me. I found it at a thrift shop, of course, and paid less than $4.00 for it. I love it! But check this out.. it's a size 4T. I am no longer buying anything under a 2T. This month alone I have had four new parents tell me how incredibly difficult raising an infant or parenting solo is and their comments are starting to freak me out!

Here's a sampling from the year...

* This sh!t is hard. I don't know how you are going to do it as a single parent.
* Don't have a biological child because infants are so much work. Stick with adoption so you can start with a child a bit older.
* I wish I had known I would be stuck with this baby attached to me all day long. I wish I could put her back up inside of me.
* Don't have a child. You will no longer have a life.
* The adoption process is hell.. but no one tells you that that is really the easy part.
* My daughter is hard work!
* Hire a baby nurse (yeah right ~ I wish!) because you are going to need a break.

I never thought single parenting was going to be rainbows and ponies and I know that without a huge support group in place I'm asking for exhaustion and frustration. Well, the fact of the matter is I don't have a huge support group in place. Nor do I have any family in the area. As fun as it is to buy cute clothes-- and as excited as I am about finally becoming a mom-- I must admit that I am scared out of my mind.

I am a worrier by nature but when my concerns involve another human being, this beautiful Ethiopian child, the worrying goes up 10,000 notches. I ask myself, am I right to try to do this by myself? Shouldn't I be making more money? Will we attach to each other? Those are normal concerns I suspect, but it makes me sad that on top of those I'm worried that I won't be able to fully enjoy it. Parenting. Doing it solo.

I have always known that I wanted to be a mother and I have always known I would adopt but in all my dreams I never pictured doing it alone. That thought never even entered my mind. My dream was always to be a happily married stay at home mom until my kids got to kindergarten. I always saw myself as the type of mom who made homemade baby food, took tons of pictures and kept detailed scrapbooks of her children; the mom who would take long walks around the neighborhood and visit with other parents on the playground. I saw myself creating elaborate themed birthday parties with homemade invitations and cakes. I saw myself creating Bento box meals, reading lots of books and doing lots of crafts. I saw those first five years as being full of joy and wonder as I watched my child grow.

That is not going to be my experience and I am sad about that. I am trying to remain faithful that this is my path and to not question it, but it's still hard to accept. I want to be a mother so I am going to be a mother and I am already filled with love for this child; I can't wait to bring her into my life... but I am going it alone so there won't be the option of being a stay at home mom. And although we will read books and do crafts, I doubt I'll have the time or energy for elaborate scrapbooks and homemade baby food. As time goes by the fear grows, my confidence wanes. The comments from friends and family and the reality of the situation are weighing down on me and muddling my clarity. If only I were married or had a support group or a million dollars...

When I am open and share my concerns the responses fall on both sides of the fence. Some people are excited and supportive and understanding. Others tell me straight out that I shouldn't continue with the process. That hurts a lot. I'm worried, yes, and it's scary because there are so many unknowns but I would never just say forget it. I know it will all work out in the end, that everything really is going along as planned. I'm just finding it hard knowing that I only get two short months with my girl before I'll be back at work and forced to juggle it all. I am so excited about creating a family and becoming a mom I am just acutely aware of how different it is from how I had dreamed.

"Having Your Own is Different"

So, I had a conversation with a guy today. He has a 14 month old son. He knows I'm adopting. Since I am still not sure what age to request, I try to get insight from those with young children so I say, "So tell me, what's it like raising a 14 month old?" Not only does his response not answer my question, I couldn't believe he said this..

"He looks just like me. It's amazing. His hands look just like mine. His feet look just like mine. It's great. Having your own is different. I mean, I've never adopted but it's great to have your own. He's mine and I love that."

I know he didn't mean to stab me in the gut, but ouch.

Comic Relief

I have been stressing and worrying a lot about the lack of maternity leave. I still can't get over the fact that biological moms get paid leave but adoptive parents don't get anything. So my mom calls and we were talking about the projected timeline of my trip to Ethiopia and I was asking her how long she might be able to stay when my daughter first arrives. She said she would definitely come and stay awhile and went on to say how excited she was going to be to finally see her new grandbaby. At that time I reminded her that to increase bonding and attachment it is recommended that only the adoptive parent holds, feeds, bathes and soothes the new baby. I went on to explain, "They suggest that friends and family simply focus on helping out by doing cooking or cleaning or shopping and leave the care of the child to the parent." My 81 year old mother, with perfect comedic timing, responded, "Well, then, I'll be down on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor looking up at the baby from afar!"

I laughed and laughed and laughed.
Thanks, Mom! I needed that!

seriously?

I went out to dinner the other night. As I was leaving the parking garage a man pulled up beside me in a brand spanking new, sparkling white Lamborghini. It looked so out of place in that neighborhood-- I mean I used to see them all the time when I lived in LA, but that gleaming car driving out of the grimy garage caught my attention.

I looked over at the man and said something about how rare it was to see such a Lamborghini in these parts and he took that to mean I was interested and started flirting. "Hi, I'm Paul Portugal," he said.
Me (trying not to roll my eyes.. I mean seriously. Paul Portugal? Did he step out of a Harlequin romance novel?) "Oh, hi. I was just commenting on the car, that's all."
PP: "Girl, I not trying to flirt with you, I was just being friendly." (yeah, right)
Me: "OK, then. Well, good night."
PP: "Well, wait, pull over and chat with me a bit."

I was about to say good-bye and drive off but was forced to pull forward when the car behind me was unable to exit the garage.. so I pulled over.
PP got out of the car and chatted me up about all his entrepreneurial exploits (yawn).

As we were chatting a cop pulled up behind his car, ran his tags and drove off.

PP: "Man, I hate that!"
Me (completely oblivious to what had just happened): "Hate what?"
PP: "That %*!# happens to me all the time when I am in this car. It's just because I'm dressed like this, all hip and cool.
Me (wondering how we had such different opinions about a late 40-something man in a white velour track suit and diamond-encrusted medallion around his neck): "Oh, yeah, I bet that'd be annoying."
PP: "It is. But it's just this car and outfit. When I am in a suit and my black convertible Bentley with the cranberry interior, that never happens."

Yes, he said that. I am not kidding. That is a quote.

Yuck.

Is it just me or do you find ostentatious men completely unappealing?
I mean, I'm not going to insist we ride the bus instead of in a date's $100,000 car, but come on.
The good that could be done in the world with a fraction of that money!
According to this study, I am in the minority.

Her: "I'd love to come with you to pick up your daughter."
Me: "Really? Wow, that would be great!"
Her: "I'd do it to be supportive of you."
Me: "Wow, thank you so much. That means so much to me that you would want to visit my child's birth country."
Her: "Well, I have absolutely no interest in going to Ethiopia and I will only go if it doesn't conflict with my son's basketball schedule."

Ouch.
Am I being too sensitive?

(btw, this is not the same person who upset me a few days ago)

Stealing My Joy

What is it about adoption that makes people think they can say any rude/cruel/thoughtless/insensitive thing that pops into their heads? I don't get how people make comments they wouldn't dare utter to a pregnant woman. Is it because before referral the child doesn't actually seem real so they think their comments are about the process and not about a child or one's love for their future child?

This week's comment was from a really good friend of mine, a single parent herself. Her comments were along the lines of 'I don't think you should have a child. You think it's going to be all fun and games and it's not. It's hard. I don't think you have really thought this through. You should reconsider before it's too late.'

I know she finds single parenting tough and I am very well aware about how challenging it's going to be. But I'm sorry, I find her comments extremely insensitive. Yeah, it's going to be hard but this is still an exciting time for me. I am going to finally become a mom and I am looking forward to all the joy it's going to bring. If I were pregnant I am sure she would never utter those words. Imagine saying that to someone who was pregnant! I'm sure she would have been really hurt if while pregnant with her first baby someone came up to her and said, "You shouldn't have this child. It's going to be a lot of hard work. You should really reconsider before it's too late." Can you imagine how hurtful and inappropriate that would be?

I've blogged about this before but it seems that pregnant women get only sweet and supportive comments about how cute they look and people are always asking them how they are feeling. No one asks them why they are having a baby or how they got pregnant or how much they are spending. They don't have to defend why they chose to have a child biologically. No one asks them if they are concerned about the child's intelligence, the bonding or if the child will be a good fit for the family. No. They have conversations about decorating the nursery and baby names and delivery options. And no one would dare say to a 40+ year old pregnant woman to go terminate because it's going to be hard!

This is not the first time this friend had suggested I not become a parent because of how challenging it's going to be. I am getting tired of defending my choice to adopt and to become a single parent. I don't want to hear comments like this! Why must she continue to steal my joy?