Isn't this dress just the cutest?! It's so unique.. looks French to me. I found it at a thrift shop, of course, and paid less than $4.00 for it. I love it! But check this out.. it's a size 4T. I am no longer buying anything under a 2T. This month alone I have had four new parents tell me how incredibly difficult raising an infant or parenting solo is and their comments are starting to freak me out!
Here's a sampling from the year...
* This sh!t is hard. I don't know how you are going to do it as a single parent.
* Don't have a biological child because infants are so much work. Stick with adoption so you can start with a child a bit older.
* I wish I had known I would be stuck with this baby attached to me all day long. I wish I could put her back up inside of me.
* Don't have a child. You will no longer have a life.
* The adoption process is hell.. but no one tells you that that is really the easy part.
* My daughter is hard work!
* Hire a baby nurse (yeah right ~ I wish!) because you are going to need a break.
I never thought single parenting was going to be rainbows and ponies and I know that without a huge support group in place I'm asking for exhaustion and frustration. Well, the fact of the matter is I don't have a huge support group in place. Nor do I have any family in the area. As fun as it is to buy cute clothes-- and as excited as I am about finally becoming a mom-- I must admit that I am scared out of my mind.
I am a worrier by nature but when my concerns involve another human being, this beautiful Ethiopian child, the worrying goes up 10,000 notches. I ask myself, am I right to try to do this by myself? Shouldn't I be making more money? Will we attach to each other? Those are normal concerns I suspect, but it makes me sad that on top of those I'm worried that I won't be able to fully enjoy it. Parenting. Doing it solo.
I have always known that I wanted to be a mother and I have always known I would adopt but in all my dreams I never pictured doing it alone. That thought never even entered my mind. My dream was always to be a happily married stay at home mom until my kids got to kindergarten. I always saw myself as the type of mom who made homemade baby food, took tons of pictures and kept detailed scrapbooks of her children; the mom who would take long walks around the neighborhood and visit with other parents on the playground. I saw myself creating elaborate themed birthday parties with homemade invitations and cakes. I saw myself creating Bento box meals, reading lots of books and doing lots of crafts. I saw those first five years as being full of joy and wonder as I watched my child grow.
That is not going to be my experience and I am sad about that. I am trying to remain faithful that this is my path and to not question it, but it's still hard to accept. I want to be a mother so I am going to be a mother and I am already filled with love for this child; I can't wait to bring her into my life... but I am going it alone so there won't be the option of being a stay at home mom. And although we will read books and do crafts, I doubt I'll have the time or energy for elaborate scrapbooks and homemade baby food. As time goes by the fear grows, my confidence wanes. The comments from friends and family and the reality of the situation are weighing down on me and muddling my clarity. If only I were married or had a support group or a million dollars...
When I am open and share my concerns the responses fall on both sides of the fence. Some people are excited and supportive and understanding. Others tell me straight out that I shouldn't continue with the process. That hurts a lot. I'm worried, yes, and it's scary because there are so many unknowns but I would never just say forget it. I know it will all work out in the end, that everything really is going along as planned. I'm just finding it hard knowing that I only get two short months with my girl before I'll be back at work and forced to juggle it all. I am so excited about creating a family and becoming a mom I am just acutely aware of how different it is from how I had dreamed.
18 comments:
My idea of motherhood and becoming a mother were much like yours. I don't/haven't for a second regretted making the decision to adopt. My son has enriched my life in so many ways that I never imagined possible. Is it difficult? Yes. But it's nothing I can't handle. If you know in your heart that you want to be a mother then you are on the right path. Only you can make your dreams come true!
You're preaching to the choir sister! Actually, I never thought I'd want to be a stay at home mom, but now that I am a single mom, there are few things I'd like more.
I want all the same things for myself and my son as you do, and somehow, SOMEHOW, I'm able to pull it off, most of the time. I'm not super, but I do live in a small town with short commutes and nothing to do, which helps me be the best little homemaker I can be.
But it probably will be hard to pull it all off at first. I did very few of the things I thought would make me an ideal parent for the first couple of years. Make priorities like reading to your sweet (adorably-dressed) girl and the other things will come. Take a lot of pictures and scrap them when she's older if you have to. Or do as I do: join a club which meets once a month to scrap, and follow along brainlessly, having a leader tell you how to cut and what to do (or get a Close to My Heart layout book which makes it as easy!).
I love being a single mom. I truly enjoy my boy, ever more as he grows and becomes smarter and funner. We are a team, he and I.
There will be mistakes you make, and times of utter frustration, but it makes the highs all the better. You already love your girl and will do what it takes to attach and care for her well. You already want the best for her -- great things for her! You've set the bar high and so even if you don't quite make it, you'll still be really good at being her mam.
I was so scared and nothing could have prepared me for the change my life would undergo once I'd become a parent. But you adapt, you roll with the punches, and you grow and mature at a rate the parallels your kid at times. It'll be a great thing for both of you.
You won't realize what you're capable of until you're in it, and in a couple of years, you'll probably reflect that you are not at all the same person you were a few short years ago.
I have had a few people say, "I don't know how you do it!" but the truth is, it'll be the only kind of parenting you'll know. I don't feel like it's harder than parenting with a spouse, because I've never done it that way. You will be strong and loving and you will be exactly the kind of mom your girl needs.
I am a single mom to 2 girls adopted from Haiti (also a teacher) and yes, it is hard but it is so wonderful. And it is not nearly as difficult as people will tell you. Before adopting my first, I had a lot of negative comments (ALOT) but it has been the most amazing and I wouldn't change it for anything. And yes, I too was terrified and a worrier. Don't let the negative stuff get you down. It's not nearly as bad as anyone will tell you! I love being a single mom - I get to make all the decisions and get to have all the fun.
Sharon
Take a deep deep breath.
Now reach out to any and all - positive energy - single moms you know in person or through blogs.
Hell - ever talked to married women about being married? Half of them would tell you not to do it - never get married - it sucks. and it does. sometimes.
It is true it's brutally difficult. But being married doesn't make it necessarily easier. How many people divorce? What's it like for a child to live through that? Not easy at all.
Even with a support group you will be brutally exhausted for a couple of years. So what? Honestly, is getting enough rest the measure of a life?
You and she will be better than fine. It's hard to go back to work after two months but it is also nice to go back to work after two months. There are good things about it. Really. Trust me on that one. Also, it's not your last two months! When Q was little he wanted to be at daycare more than home because that's where the kids were. But anyway...
You will, if you want, do all the things you listed. You just won't do them every day. And you know what? Neither do stay at home mom's.
So take a deep breath. Your daughter needs you. And you and she will be fine. And you will have moments of deep exhaustion (if you are anything like me) but you will have moments of great great joy. You will have more laughs in your day than you do now (if you don't obsess on how you hoped it would be) and think of what she wants. What she will want is you. And all you really need to do is cuddle enough, sing and dance and share some food and love each other.
And of course dress her very very very well. And you have that covered.
Dump the losers who are not living the life they want. Keep the ones who make life more fun - not less.
Those married people have no idea the blessings that singles do have- no it's not ideal but it's not awful either. For one (a very BIG one), you have so much more one-on-one time with your kids. Honestly- I have a much closer relationship with my kids than most of my married friends because I'm talking to THEM, interacting with them and focused on them. Not conversing with another adult all evening. Yep, it can be exhausting to go it alone. But there are are huge rewards too! And my kids are so darn much fun. I can't imagine how boring life would be without trips to the sprinkler park and bike rides to the ice cream parlor. What would I do in my free time? :)
yeah - i don't have time for scrapbooks, and Elsa got jarred babyfood, not homemade. but that isn't the important stuff anyway.
it IS hard - unbelievably so. but it is also totally worth it and incredibly rewarding. you are smart to be concerned - use that concern to get as prepared as you can be. but don't the concern morph into fear - you can ABSOLUTELY do this.
So I am a single parent, bio boy 11 and Ethiopian daughter almost 5, home 18 months. I have been a single parent since my son was 18 months old. I don't know how most couples do it. I love being single and there are many great things about it. It was really hard to adopt at first but I don't think that was because I was single. I might adopt again. I think many people who are married have no idea what being a single parent is actually like. No worries, live your dream it is fun.
Diane,
I think most people only like to share the negative. Being a mom is hard, whether you have a partner or not. It's also tons of fun, I assume also with a partner. There are dfinite advantages of being a single mom - no compromising with a partner being the biggest one. That makes so many things much easier - discipline, and everything else. Ignore those that make it sound awful. Also, consider the source. I find that single moms who became so through divorce have a much more negative outlook on single motherhood and are sometimes almost resentful at those of us who choose it.
Ah I have so much to say about this post. Perhaps I should email you. I was extremely scared before adopting. And its still scary and worriesome but not as much now that I'm actually doing it. I did have a much harder time dropping her at daycare then I ever imagined I would. I cried and cried and wished I had a partner so that I had the option of staying home.
I do wish I had a partner to share in this wonderful but challenging experience. It would be so much easier. But I am doing it - its a lot of work but its a lot of fun too. And you will attach to each other. In some ways you will have a stronger attachment because it will be just you and her. Feel free to email me anytime - Linnaea1@yahoo.com
You got some great comments here!
Like you, I didn't expect to become a mother as a single woman. I think it's natural to grieve the loss of that dream.
As for people telling you to give up that dream - DON'T LISTEN! You will find your parenting rhythm and I bet you ONE MILLION DOLLARS you never TRULY regret your decision. Even when you're having awful, awful days (as we all will).
Sometimes I find myself 'turning off' the well-meaning advice from BTDT parents.
I know that no body experiences things the same - some people find certain things challenging - things I find easy or exciting. So why should I freak myself out these last 2 years with all the 'parenting is hard' talk? I know it will be no cakewalk. But I'm willing to bet 2-parent parenting is no cakewalk either. I will deal with it all - the good and the bad - using my considerable strengths. As will you. I no of no single adoptive parents who regret their decision. THAT is what I focus on.
p.s. I love the dress :-)
Our lives and thoughts are very parallel. I'm a teacher and a single mom to a Guatemalan daughter, turning 3 in a few days.
Here's some of my truth: I was petrified of giving up my freedom and my solitude (which gets old, but also has plusses). I was right in that the hardest part of raising my daughter is her lack of a pause button. I DO miss alone time, down time, spare time, time to think my own thoughts. A lot.
She's been home since 9.5 months, and we've really hit our stride this summer (last summer was very difficult and I'd so looked forward to my summer off with her). I see life getting much easier now and I think we both feel joy crowding out other emotions now.
I have SO much I could share on this topic, so please feel free to email.
By the way, my daughter is one of the most amazing people I've ever known. Seriously amazing.
Stefanie
I think that the baby days and each new first is awesome, and I think that you have enough love to raise a child alone. You will be a great mother. :D
Wow. Definitely put me on the "excited and supportive and understanding" side of the fence. I think you're doing the right thing. The strong desire you have to be a mother, tempered by a realistic understanding of the difficulty of parenting (which you clearly possess), will carry you through.
I had very lofty visions of what I would be like as a mother. But as it turns out, I'm a happily married stay-at-home mom (and very part-time teacher) and I don't have the energy for any of the stuff you wrote about. I did not make homemade baby food or keep detailed scrapbooks for my kids or take long walks around the neighborhood. I take lots of pictures but am just now printing out photos from my 4-year-old's second birthday. I cart people around to doctor's and dentist's appointments (today I had a Pap smear with my 3- and 4-yr-olds observing. Fun. Be glad you'll have daycare!!) and preschool. My kids eat the exact same lunch every day (peanut butter sandwiches, apples or green beans, and milk- NO creativity here) and I scramble to make somewhat nutritious food for dinner every night; we eat a lot of pasta with frozen vegetables. My kids' birthday parties are family only, with no "theme," just cake and ice cream. Since we're pretty much home all day, the house is usually a disaster unless we are having company. My kids watch more television than I ever imagined- I mean, it's still only an hour or two of PBS a day, but I always swore I'd NEVER let MY kids watch t.v. I drink waaaaaaay too much caffeine and I yell a lot, sometimes even swearing in front of the kids- just ask my neighbors.
Perfection as a mother does not come from having a spouse or more money or a certain number of months off. It doesn't come at all. I have friends who were the children of people with millions of dollars AND a husband who absolutely sucked at being parents. The main goal is to have happy, healthy children who feel loved and attached to you.
You will be tired. I think that, more than anything else, has been the hardest part for me. I'm just always exhausted and have been since I was pregnant with my first. There's no way to prepare for it- I remember reading once that sleepless nights during pregnancy (or, I might add, adoption) prepared you for the exhaustion of parenting a baby the way dieting prepares you for starvation. You just can't prepare for the feeling- but you CAN have an emergency backup plan for those days when you feel so tired that you just. can't. do. it. I'm 100% certain that there is someone in your life who would be willing to be that person who can come and take care of your daughter while you take a desperately-needed nap. Don't be shy about asking for that type of help.
On that same note, DON'T hesitate to ask for help out of fear that having someone else take care of her while you sleep or go grocery shopping by yourself will damage your attachment. I let the whole idea that I'd be the only one holding her and feeding her and changing her go out the window when we came home from the airport with our brand new family and I climbed into bed and started sobbing with exhaustion and anxiety. My sister ended up giving R a bath and putting her to bed that night; the following week, while Adam and I were plastered to the bathroom floor puking our guts out, my mother drove up from out of state to change R's diapers, and was feeding her and reading and singing to her and doing all the "Mommy" jobs that I should have been doing. You just do what you have to do to survive the first few weeks or months, and even if your family is far away and your friends aren't that close, people will step up if you ask.
You'll find your groove. At the beginning it might feel like you never will, but you will. You can do this.
NEVER listen to ignorant people who "think" they mean well! Married, single, or somewhere in between, as a woman who has a heart to love others, you have a right to decide for YOU when it's time for you to become a Mother.
And guess what....? It's your time, it's your season. So go on and be the BEST Mother your spirit leads you to be!
Stand Tall---You Have Encouraged Many Women!
OH, my, these comments are so wonderful and affirming and enlightening and inspiring: I say loudly "YOU GO, GIRL!" and I mean it.
You are so ready!
I can't wait for this marvelous dream to happen. We'll be as supportive as we can. We look forward to hugging her as she arrives from Addis, to filling her Christmas stocking, to hugging her as she jumps off the bus from Calvary Camp jumping off the bus from Calvary Camp, etc etc, etc...!!!!
Your friends and family know you better than your blog fans. Perhaps they are aware of your strengths and challenges which either lead them to be encouraging about you going forward with the adoption or not. This is not the first time you mentioned concerns in your blog (very valid ones) about being a single parent. While you are on the waitlist for a referral, you may find it helpful to go to a counselor or therapist, someone totally neutral, to sort these issues out. Parenting can be the most difficult job in the world, but it can also be wonderful and beautiful. I wish you luck in your journey.
Well I was one of those ovewhelmed single parents who told you what my first 2 weeks were like... it's gotten a lot better. Easier, more of a routine. I'm DREADING going back to work, and wish I could win the lottery or find a hubby so I could stay home... but that's more about not loving my job than wanting to b a SAHM! If you want to do it, do it! Yes, it's scary. But if you have too much ambivalence, then maybe you should try and figure out what that is about? Is it just the fear of single parenting, or something else?
I just want to echo the thoughts of others. Being a single mom is incredibley tough, but it so much more than wonderful. I too hoped to be a perfect mom with homemade food and crafting and scrapbooks. I am not. We eat out more than I like and my house is often a mess but we spend lots of time at the park, she is almost always well dressed (sometime I let her wear something she picked out ) and I do have several scrapbooks. I would never encourage some one who does not really want it to become a single mom, but I would also never discourage a woman from this path. Being a mom is amazing.
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