A traveling mom took these when she went to pick up her child and forwarded them to me. What a wonderful gift! OK, seriously, how cute does my girl look?! Her feet look so pudgy and adorable! I looked at her eating this popcorn and my first thought was
I am starting to get more used to this whole motherhood thing. I woke up this morning and was thinking about my dream and then it hit me that I am a mom. It was the strangest thing. I am feeling a bit more like I can do this and letting go of all the stress that comes with wanting to be the perfect mom and feeling like I need XYZ in order to succeed. We will be fine. I have faith. One thing that is still extremely worrisome, though, is how we will attach. I have been reading lots on the topic and I am prepared to do all the suggestions I have read about: co-sleeping, baby wearing, bottle feeding, forced eye contact, predictable routines, etc. I hope she is a trooper and we do OK so I can go back to work in six weeks. The timing works out pretty well. Because I got such a speedy Embassy date and am leaving so soon, I can go to Ethiopia for a week and then do four weeks of FMLA which will put me right up at Spring Break and the plan is to return to work right after Spring Break. I hope 6 weeks is enough. I am prepared to extend if necessary, though deep down I think that attachment will take much longer than that and financially I can only stay home so long.
I have been reading blogs by parents who adopted children at this age. Some of the hand offs (when the parent is handed their child by the nanny) sound absolutely harrowing. Children screaming out and arching their backs away from the parent. The grief and the fear and the tears lasting for days and days. I am trying to mentally prepare myself for this, though it's difficult. I have been questioning my doing a toddler adoption. Wouldn't a sweet, oblivious baby have been so much easier? What was I thinking? Toddlers developmentally want to be independent and say no a lot. Add a language barrier, confusion and grief in the mix... oh boy. It's going to be interesting. I worry a lot about how she is going to manage. Poor thing has already had to do this once or maybe twice before and now will have to relive it all over again. I tear up thinking about how hard this is going to be for her. For us.
I pray for my little one every night. I pray she is happy and well cared for and healthy. I pray we attach quickly and she learns to love and trust me. I am apprehensive about toddler adoption but this is my little girl and I am ready for the challenge. She's over 7,000 thousand of miles away but soon we will be together forever and I am ready to begin our journey as a family.
14 comments:
I won't lie. Our time in Ethiopia was absolutely the hardest, most stressful week of our lives, thanks to little miss R. She was terrified and grieving. I cried a lot, and felt so self-conscious and incompetent with the agency and guest house staffers looking on and trying everything under the sun to soothe the poor child. R might have actually cried the entire 24-hour trip home, but I'm not sure because I've blocked most of it from my memory. But ours was probably worst-case scenario for an Ethiopian toddler adoption: deprived of a primary caregiver at six months of age, in institutional care from 12-25 months of age where she bonded deeply with her caregivers. And you've seen for yourself that R has turned out fine. Within a few days of meeting us, R knew exactly who Mom and Dad were. I'd bet good money that Almaz will know, too, way before your six weeks is up.
I could go on and on about why I think toddler adoption is amazing, but I'll keep the list a bit shorter:
-You will get more sleep than you would with an infant. Having a toddler is tiring, yes, but it would be SO much more exhausting going back to work in six weeks with an infant who might not even be sleeping through the night!
-Less time in diapers.
-No needing to fuss with formula or baby food, they pretty much eat what you do.
-Toddlers are so interactive and curious about their surroundings. This makes for much more interesting time together.
-Toddlers are so incredibly expressive and can give you a better sense of why they are crying and what they need from you
-Toddlers can show you that they not only need you but also love you
-Toddlers are just so darn cute and hilarious.
I just can't even tell you how great it is to have a toddler. I loved parenting A as an infant, but I think parenting toddlers and preschoolers is so much more interesting and satisfying, not to mention amusing. The best is yet to come, I promise.
Oh she is beautiful! I love her little feet!
I am so excited that you are leaving soon. Sounds like Haze will be going in about a week. Perhaps you will be there together?
I took an attachment course when i thought I was getting a toddler and they said one of the best activities for attachment is swimming. Since your little one will cling to you in the water it promotes attachment. She is so beautiful. I cant wait to hear about her personality and all the things that you two do together as you begin to bond as mother and daughter... Oh my gosh.. you bought tickets... email me details girl!!!
:) Robyn
its all going to work out - trust me. have faith. i have lots more to say about all of this if you want to talk.
Every age/stage has it's benefits and challenges.
You both will be more than fine - you will blossom! You really will.
I get the sadness, but it will be dispelled when you see her.
One thing about infant adoption is they are separated from everything they know (and need) at an age they are not ready for it. We purposely chose toddler and above because we understand that that little bit of ready to be independent really does help. At least that is our belief.
She is adorable (that's going to help when you're ready to pull your hair out!)
I cannot wait till i see photos of te two of you together!
I really feel for you and I just wanted to say that even tiny babies suffer from grief. My daughter was 3.5 months old when I picked her up and I didn't realize it at the time but the reason she never cried and was such a "good" baby was becasue she was grieving. She babbled a lot but she never cried. When I look at pictures of her from our first few days together I realize that now. She was scared and didn't know what was going on. I was so happy when she started crying for things and really asserting herself because I knew that she was becoming secure. She was probably 6 months old or so when that happened. You guys will be fine it may take longer but I know your daughter will attach.
CBS has very shocking news report about child trafficking in Ethiopia under the guise of adoption.
http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=6211026n&tag=related;photovideo
Questions are being raised about the legitimacy of Ethiopian adoptions after a girl claims an agency bought her in Ethiopia and placed her for adoption in the U.S. Armen Keteyian investigates.
thanks all you APs out there for your support. it really helps to hear from your experience.
anon, i saw that report last night (for the second time). i am not with that agency. however, i do know that when doing an international adoption one does run the risk of being involved in something unethical--no matter what country. that said, i have confidence in my agency and believe they are creating families in legal and ethical ways. clearly, none of us Ethiopian adoptive parents want to raise children who have two healthy parents who were somehow coerced to turn over their child(ren). if you have real concerns about this, i highly suggest you look into it further to see how you can help and pass on what you have learned to all of us Ethiopian adoptive parents.
You will have many "first" that will melt your heart as she looks into your eyes and give you that, "Mommy, look what I just did" flash.
Don't be overly concerned with the attachment and bonding. Relax and go with the "girl-flow" and rhythm--it's in you, it's in her--it's going to happen in it's own sweet, loving way and time...and you know we'll be here cheering as we read about it!
...now start packing Naomi Winter Almaz's little suitcase!
My first thought was also "she'll choke on that popcorn!"
That last picture is a scream! I love that you got these photos.
But seriously, I feel much as you do. I was supposed to bring B home as an infant, now she is a toddler (and I'm having a hard time dealing with the loss of those first months).
I'm praying for both of us that our short periods of leave will be enough to start the attachment process and taking our girls to daycare won't reverse all our progress.
Hugs to you,
hazel
Have you read "Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft?" It is a really good read for how to deal with toddler adoption issues. Wishing you all the best and now back to lurking... ;-)
Alexandra, yes, i have read The Weaver's Craft (and many other articles). Thanks. I think that's what makes it all so scary... knowing what is possible. But at least I will be prepared (as much as I can be anyways).
Laura, I think much of what you express is new mommy anxiety. I also think we can maybe read so much that it causes us to see things that may just be normal child/toddler/baby behavior. She will feed off of you. If you are nervous and anxious she may well be nervous and anxious as well. Relax, and try as best you can to enjoy every moment of the experience that you have. ENJOY HER! The popcorn thing should give you comfort. These children in Ethiopia are resilient, they eat popcorn as babies, they are a bit more rough and tubble than their American counter parts. Knowing this has helped me immensely with my two. When I watch my baby reach for tweezers to pull out his own loose teeth, I remember that they are READY for our world, maybe more than we really understand. It's going to be great, enjoy yourself, and relax.
Elfe at 2 and a half-ish is both more self-sufficient AND more of a baby than I expected. I think you will still have plenty of baby-time with her even though she is a toddler. On attachment, Elfe wanted nothing to do with some of the things I tried in the beginning - I think she was so used to taking care of herself and maybe didn't quite trust me yet. But now, two months later, she's asking for some of the very things that the experts say you should do for attachment - she wants to be carried everywhere, wants me to hold her like a baby while she drinks out of a sippy cup, etc. This morning she wanted me to hold her and feed her her cheerios - complete with pretend airplane noises and swooping in for a landing in her mouth! I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that she doesn't also regress on being toilet-trained... ;)
Laura,
You have such an attractive and kind personality and face and smile, I'm sure she will want to look at you. You won't have to force her.
I had a difficult handoff, but after she cried herself into a near coma, when she woke up, I was mama.
A1S
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