Big Time New Mom Jitters

As I plug through my to do list and check off all the things I need to do and buy before my daughter's arrival, honestly I am struck down by the fear and enormity of it all. I am a mother, a parent; I am now and forever responsible for another human being. Do I think I am up for the job? Sure, I wouldn't have adopted if I thought otherwise. But the joys of becoming a mom to a new cuddly girl and all the years of yearning and waiting haven't dimmed my perception about how difficult raising a child on my own is going to be.

I have taught young children for the past 16 years (and babysat for years before that) and although I know that parenting 24/7/365 is not the same as being a teacher, I feel it has definitely given me an edge. I have had the opportunity to meet hundreds, maybe thousands, of children and by doing so I have gotten plenty of experience with relating to children and working with different personalities. I have worked with children of different learning styles and learned a variety of behavior management techniques. I have worked school age children, preschool children and deaf children. I think these experiences will come in handy while parenting but I am still a nervous wreck.

Then I read these blogs of parents-to-be and they are all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns and it makes me feel guilty for feeling at all apprehensive. Maybe they are in a fantasy world. Or maybe they are the types with loads of energy who currently have spotless homes, prepare home cooked meals and still have time for crafts and 10 mile runs while holding down full time jobs. Or maybe they have full time nannies and housekeepers lined up and spouses who are eager to be 100% involved.

Well, that is not me. I am tired now. I can only imagine how it's going to be with Almaz home. I don't like laundry or preparing meals and I am good for doing both as infrequently as possible. That is surely going to have to change. I love taking naps and going out for cocktails and dating and traveling. That will have to be put on the back burner. I don't have too many complaints about my single life and I get my "kid fix" every day at work when along with teaching the three R's, I tie shoes, instill morals, give hugs and wipe tears. But something has been missing. I feel it around all the holidays, especially Christmas, but even the smaller ones like Fourth of July and Valentine's Day. And oddly enough I also feel it at random times like while on the ferry going over to Martha's Vineyard. I want my own child, my own traditions, my own family. Well, that time is here. She is here. I am a mother. I am writing this to document my real feelings about this so next February when I am in the groove I can look back and see where I was and how far I've come. I want to be able to remember how nervous I was as I prepared to become a mom. I have wanted this for so long and now she's here and I am really scared.