I sent out adoption announcements this week. There were three photos of my daughter and me in Ethiopia and one of her at home. To the photos I added her full name and the words "Home Forever, March 2010". I love how they turned out. The first call I got about it was from my old friend, M. She left a message about how sweet it was, almost made her cry, she's so happy for me that this finally happened, etc. etc. So far, so good. Well we talked later on today. She reiterated about how cute Naomi is and how happy she was for me and then the conversation turned towards her family and her desire to have a daughter. I asked how that was going and she said her husband wanted her to consider adoption. Cool, I thought. Until she said, "...but I'm not into adoption. Why would I adopt when I can have one of my own?" She then went on to say something about nearing 40 and the risks of having a child biologically going up so she thinks this is it for her family. Hmmm, ok, so your husband is interested in adoption but you are so against it that you feel your family is done.
I was too stunned to respond appropriately. I'm sharing the most important thing that has ever happened to me and you tell me you're not "into it". That's fine, you don't have to be "into it"-- not everyone is-- but wow. That stung. Can the ink dry on my adoption announcement before you tell me how you really feel? What should I have said? Or better yet, what should I say now-- if anything? It is still bothering me. But maybe I'm just premenstrual...
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Adoption Timeline
- 2.25.10-3.07.10 - traveled to ET!
- 2.12.10 - bought tickets!!!!!
- 2.12.10 - more shots! ouch!
- 2.2.10 ~ passed court!! i'm a mommy!!
- 1.26.10 ~ didn't pass court... new one scheduled for Feb. 2nd
- 1.4.10 ~ court date - Jan. 26th!!
- 1.4.10 ~ oh, here it is!!
- 1.3.10 ~ where is my court date??
- 10.29.09 ~ REFERRAL !!
- 8.21.09 ~ passport arrived
- 8.03.09 ~ applied for new passport
- 7.08.09 ~ dossier mailed to ET
- 6.16.09 ~ dossier approved
- 6.11.09 ~ mailed my dossier to my agency
- 5.21.09 ~ I-171H arrived!!!
- 4.17.09 ~biometrics appt.
- 3.27.09 ~ mailed HS to CIS
- 2.27.09 ~ finished HS - FINALLY!!
- 1.29.09 ~ ordered another birth certificate! (yes, the date of when it was issued is important! go figure!)
- 12.23.08 ~ picked a new agency
- 1.21.09 ~ final HS meeting
- 1.7.09 ~ finished my Hague training
- researched new agencies
- 11.18.08 ~ was informed by Gladney that due to new regulations my adoption won't be processed until 2012.
- 8.1.08 ~ filed the I600A
- 7.29.08 ~ received birth certificate
- 7.28.08 ~ physical & bloodwork (update)
- 7.17.08 ~ ordered birth certificate
- 5.21.08-6.21.08 ~ volunteered in an orphanage in Addis Ababa to learn more about adoption and my future child's birth country and culture
- 5.12.08 ~ shots (ouch!)
- 5.8.08 ~ got fingerprinted
- 4.20.08 ~ Gave up job in Manila to stay and adopt
- 4.15.08 ~ informed by Gladney that they cannot complete my adoption if I move overseas
- 4.1.08 ~ US entered into Hague Convention for International Adoption
- 3.13.08 ~ Got copy of driving record from DMV
- 3.7.08 ~ 3rd HS
- 2.24.08 ~ Accepted dream job in Manila
- 2.11.08 ~ 2nd HS
- 1.11.08 ~ 1st HS
- 9.13.07 ~ Chose World Child for HS
- 8.28.07 ~ Registered with Gladney
- 7.12.07 ~ Physical & bloodwork
- 7.9.07 ~ Gladney Phone Orientation
- 7.3.07 ~ Faxed info. sheet to Gladney
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- Maybe I'm Just Premenstrual
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11 comments:
People really dont get it.. they try.. but they dont. I am sure your friend wasnt intentionally trying to hurt you, but she doesnt quite get the whole adoption thing. Many dont... I have three friends who have not even bothered to come and see us since we have been home and we have been home since the beginning of October. These are people who I considered good friends. I do this huge thing and have this little person who is literally the center of my world and they cant even bother to come and meet her? You know what, their loss... They are missing out on the first year of this incredible little person's life... I understand what your friend is trying to say. That adoption isnt the right choice for her. Fair enough, then she shouldnt do it. But she also doesnt need to share this with you, especially right now. Her job is to celebrate and be overjoyed for you that you have beautiful Naomi and that you are a mommy. It is this amazing thing that has happened and probably one of the biggest things you will ever do in your life. I for one cannot wait to get my announcement from you in the mail.
Sometimes you just have to ignore people and some times we outgrow certain people. I've discovered that in very recent years. However, I've also met some great new friends. Your friend may regret her decision and it seems odd that she feels her husband's opinion doesn't matter about extending their family.
Some people just want to steal your JOY so DON'T LET HER OR THEM STEAL YOUR JOY!!
I don't think your friend wanted to be mean I think it just how she feels about adopton, In tiime she may change her mind. When we started our journey 7 Yrs ago my Dh was of the same opinon. It took him Three years to change his mind now we have a one year old who he adores and wouldn't trade for the world. One thing I will say after you adopt you have to develop thick and ignore insenstive comments. All that matters is u have a beautiful princess and your a terrfic mother. God bless and enjoy Naomi
Don't take it personally. It is totally about her and not about you. She likely sees adoption as an admission of her failture to have a biological child. Her loss. She doesn't know the greatness she may miss. Hope she is "into" not experiencing the joys of parenthood.
I have nothing to say about "M" except WOW. People just don't get it. They don't stop to think before they open their mouths. They don't stop to think that adoption is more about just us and if someone can physically birth a child or not. They just don't think! WOW. I could go on and on but won't.
maybe i'm alone in this but i would talk to her. i know she wasn't trying to hurt you but she did. but more importantly for adopted children i think we all need to speak up when we hear what to me is bigotry. that somehow biological children are more 'real.'
no, i would and probably will have to say something. for both my biological and my adopted children's sake. adoption is not for everyone, but neither is giving birth. fine. but each child is real and true and your own.
People are just weird, don't let it get it to you.
I would say don't let it bother you, but it would bother ME. It's not like the comment came up in any random context - it came up as a result of your announcement. Which makes it thoughtless at best. Sorry you had to hear it - I hope you can brush it off...
It sounds to me that your friend is projecting her own insecurities on to you--- adoption is something that she doesn't have any experience or "know how" on- so instead of saying "wow, thats neat. You are so strong and brave to take that leap" She just "isn't in to it" plainly stated, she doesnt get it. It is unfortunate because she might have been able to expand her brain a bit, but instead shut it down completely.
Just brush it off, and know you are soooooo much better than that.
Let go of the offense...she's human and she may have been the one premenstruallating and speaking from heart of her hormones. The way I see it, I would adopt BEFORE pushing anything out of me--and that's coming from 3x's of having to "pushhhhhhhhh".
Naw, chalk it up for sista-girl was being real with you and feels comfortable enough with your spirit of not holding her thoughts against her.
But now, if she says something about your Baby, now, that's a whole nother story and you can call Tami on her to whup up on her (no, I'm just playing)....Let it go and smile at the fact that YOU are a Mommy!!!!!!
Wow. Naomi is YOUR OWN. That was extremely insensitive. People just don't think. My sister said something similar to me one time....
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