What is it about adoption that makes people think they can say any rude/cruel/thoughtless/insensitive thing that pops into their heads? I don't get how people make comments they wouldn't dare utter to a pregnant woman. Is it because before referral the child doesn't actually seem real so they think their comments are about the process and not about a child or one's love for their future child?
This week's comment was from a really good friend of mine, a single parent herself. Her comments were along the lines of 'I don't think you should have a child. You think it's going to be all fun and games and it's not. It's hard. I don't think you have really thought this through. You should reconsider before it's too late.'
I know she finds single parenting tough and I am very well aware about how challenging it's going to be. But I'm sorry, I find her comments extremely insensitive. Yeah, it's going to be hard but this is still an exciting time for me. I am going to finally become a mom and I am looking forward to all the joy it's going to bring. If I were pregnant I am sure she would never utter those words. Imagine saying that to someone who was pregnant! I'm sure she would have been really hurt if while pregnant with her first baby someone came up to her and said, "You shouldn't have this child. It's going to be a lot of hard work. You should really reconsider before it's too late." Can you imagine how hurtful and inappropriate that would be?
I've blogged about this before but it seems that pregnant women get only sweet and supportive comments about how cute they look and people are always asking them how they are feeling. No one asks them why they are having a baby or how they got pregnant or how much they are spending. They don't have to defend why they chose to have a child biologically. No one asks them if they are concerned about the child's intelligence, the bonding or if the child will be a good fit for the family. No. They have conversations about decorating the nursery and baby names and delivery options. And no one would dare say to a 40+ year old pregnant woman to go terminate because it's going to be hard!
This is not the first time this friend had suggested I not become a parent because of how challenging it's going to be. I am getting tired of defending my choice to adopt and to become a single parent. I don't want to hear comments like this! Why must she continue to steal my joy?
19 comments:
It is hard work and it's not all fun and games but nothing that's worthwhile in life is easy. Is your friend a single mom by choice or through separation from dad? I've found that single moms who didn't intend to parent as a single have a really hard time understanding why someone would choose single motherhood. The important thing is that even when it's really hard, you will still know that this was the best decision you ever made. Hugs...
Please don't let anyone steal your JOY because they don't understand why/what your are doing.
THIS IS YOUR WALK NOT THEIRS!
People tend to feel free to say anything to people who are adopting but they don't understand nor do they care how draining this process is.
I would suggest that the next time she makes the comment; let her know that if she doesn't have a solution; keep her RUDE comments to herself.
Make it a GREAT week.
Sen
Have you asked her how she would have felt if someone had said that to her when she was pregnant? And that it's a major pin in your ballon when she says stuff like that?
I think you should tell her. Or you might lose a friendship if she keeps it up.
People are stupid. When I told my sister I was adopting she wailed whyyyy your life is so good now! I was speechless. Cause she knows how much I love children and how long I've wanted a daughter.
This "friend" doesn't seem like much of a friend. Maybe it's time to disconnect so you won't be subjected to anymore stupid comments or opiniions. This is a hard process. Surround yourself with good vibes only!
Hi! I found your blog thru Hazel's.
While I am not a single mom, I do understand the insensitive comments...it is mind blowing the things people say to parents who are adopting.
You are right, your friend would not have said those things to you if you were pregnant in utero but for all intense and purposes...you are...just not showing.
I have a friend who calls people like that energy vampires. .....sucking every bit of joy out of your life.
Fie on that junk!
sometimes, when a child comes into the picture, you get a better idea of where you need to put boundaries up with people.
i'm a single parent. sometimes it's hard. and sometimes it isn't. that's the bottom line. no one wants to talk about the easy parts. but they're there. i agree with you: i don't understand the point of trying to scare someone. or if something is hard for you, and you want to share your testimony, then share YOUR story. don't cross the line to tell someone else what they SHOULD do.
seriously.
I'm sorry that your friend was so insensitive. I found that friends of mine that were divorced seemed less supportive..almost offended that I would choose this way to become a mom without a spouse. I don't think they understand at all:-( Try not to let it get you down. We are all here to support you!!!
People do say stupid things to pregnant women. I had incredibly rude comments about my age - even from family and about whether we could afford it (I wad going to keep working) and about the difficulties for the biracial child we would have.
Don't let anyone steel your joy. You know it's going to be hard, but life is hard. All great things are hard.
You will need a supportive group of friends and it might be time to think about how often you want to get together with this friend. Try to surround yourself with positive people. Not only for your sake but your building a whole villiage of love that our child will grow up surrounded by.
Don't invite joy thieves into your own place to rip you off.
The joy does out weigh the difficulties.
Yup, single mamahood is tough. But, it's also perfect joy in soooo many moments. Your friend probably has no concept of how much the comment hurt you. if you don't feel you can tell her and ask her to be more sensitive, then just put it down to her own "stuff", b/c truly that's what it is. You will soon be Mama and that's all that really matters :)
I cannot believe the things that people think it is okay to say.. you are right, they would never say things like that to a pregnant person. Do they think that we just wake up one morning and say "I think I will adopt a child today"... I had someone ask me this week if the longer the wait is do I get more and more cold feet??? Not sure what that means, but actually it is just the oposite.. The more I wait the more I cant wait to meet my child. They simply dont get it... My favourite comment of all though has to be "do you know how much your life is going to change, are you sure you want to do this" (I want to bite those people!!)
Just know that you have a huge group of supporters out here in blogland, and I for one am very excited for you and enjoy reading about all the plans and preparations you are making while waiting for your daughter.. We both know it will be hard, but it will be worth it, and I cant wait for the day that we can exchange photos of our children, one single mom to another!!
a big hug to you,
Robyn
You should ignore her. I think she is unintentionally projecting some of her own animosity towards parenting on you. That is her issue, not yours! Sure parenting is a challenge, but the joy it brings is indescribable, and well worth the challenge. Enjoy your time, and do not allow anyone to steal your joy!!
I definitely think it is her issues because she is unhappy with her life. Although other people have made the same comments to me I have just started shutting them down. Tell her and the rest how you feel. No, it's not appropriate and let them know that. I think once you tell them they will see the error of their ways or maybe they weren't having as a friend at all.
Just wait until your child is here and you start getting unsolicited advice! That's the part I was unprepared for, and it was one of the most difficult things in my first year as a mom. Not only could I not believe what was coming out of people's mouths, but I couldn't believe the sources! People that have known me for years, and should trust my judgment, feeling it was fine to challenge my every decision. And some of these people never raised a child, and certainly had never adopted!
I'm not sure why I tell you this, other than to let you know that people feel free to tell us what to do. Is that because we're single, adopting moms? Perhaps. Just remember that we are doing this because we WANT our lives to change. That's the point. :)
Stefanie, mom to Tiana
Does she read your blog? I hope so.
Comments like that are hurtful for so many reasons, not least of which because the person is basically insulting your intelligence and belittling the informed decision you have made. As if you are stupid and wrong for making this choice.
Your friend obviously doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but she needs to smarten up - and fast. I hope you will feel free to express yourself to her when you are having tough days with your child - and not have to worry about her saying "I told you so." If not, maybe it is time to move this friendship to the back burner as part of its natural evolution. You can't afford to have "energy vampires" (love that term!) in your life as a SMBC. I know that sounds harsh, but you have to protect yourself.
I’m definitely feeling you on this one Laura!
Who cares what people think. You have a right to make a decision to be a “single" mother without the rude, insensitive statements.
I’ve had people make insensitive comments to me AFTER I already had my daughter at home. I don’t know if they thought I would send her back to Ethiopia because of their statements.
You are making a choice to be a "single" mother and it's YOUR business. Yes, single motherhood can be hard at times, not all of the time. But it’s so worth it. Trust me!
Andrea
Thanks for all the supportive comments. I did speak to her and after denying it (!!) she said she would try to be more sensitive and focus on the positives of raising her daughter.
Yes, Kerri, she is not a single mom by choice so assuming the role 100% is still difficult for her and she tends to vent more than say the positives.
I do worry that she is not someone I can go to when things are rough because of the "I told you sos", Haze, but I guess we'll cross that bridge when I get to it!
I think the friendship has been salvaged..
Yep... ppl will accept pregnant by accident rather than parenting by choice. It is truly their own insecurities. My family and friends STILL think its not real and oh boy when they finally saw the referral pic, another round of ignorance :( Fortunately I am completely immune to the peanut gallery here on Robbin's Island. :)
Thank goodness for great support of great AP's and understanding friends!!! (Or perfect strangers cause they always seem so happy when I tell them!)
Robbin
Laura, I have parented both single and with a husband. They both have difficult moments. When my adopted son developed health and emotional problems, I had a girlfriend ask if I could send him back. This was after he was mine for several years. Imagine getting rid of your birth child after having issues instead of dealing with whatever arises. People are crazy!! Bottom line. Be happy with your choice because that is exactly what it is, your choice! Call me if you need me to lift your spirits.
J9
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