I Hugged Her So Tightly Tonight

My sweet baby is turning 3 tomorrow. I can hardly believe it! Three? Already?! When I picked her up from Ethiopia she was only 19 months old and had just learned to walk. She was just gaining her footing --in more ways that one-- and I was just gaining my footing as well. Parenting/single parenting/new parenting/adoption parenting/international adoption parenting.. there is so much for all of us to learn in those first few months and you navigate that course together, parent and child. Together Almi and I learned to understand each other, care for each other and truly love each other. It was tough in the beginning for both of us and we have come so, so far.

When we celebrated Almi's birthday last year she had only been in the US for a few short months. We celebrated her birth that day but we also were celebrating motherhood, children, adoption, family, life. There was so much joy on that day. Everyone was so excited to bring her into our family and for that I am extremely grateful. Everyone wanted to see her, hold her, play with her, talk to her. And not surprisingly there wasn't any mention of birth moms or the circumstances that led to her relinquishment. But there never has been. Is my family being respectful? Are they uncomfortable at the prospect of what they may hear? Are they disinterested? Maybe it has never crossed their minds? But frankly, it's not something I necessarily want to share. Her story is her story and it's really hers to share. They may feel the same way.

To be honest, I haven't thought too much about any of that in the last year myself. If you have read this blog for that long you know I was extremely overwhelmed with motherhood and barely making it through each day. No, I didn't think much about her birthmother but didn't think much of anything else. It took all my energy to make sure Almi's needs were met; that's all I could manage. I didn't even have the energy to celebrate her birthday in June. But as Almi gets older and my love for her deepens, the more I think of her birth mother. It saddens me to think that she can't see her. Does she worry about her? Does she dream about her? Does she cry on her birthday? It saddens me to think about how much Almi is growing and changing and learning and loving and her Ethiopian family isn't a part of it.

She is turning three tomorrow. Three! How can that be? What happened to my small baby? The munchkin I tucked into bed tonight is very steady on her feet. She loves to run and climb and jump from high places. She is spunky and mischeivious and bright. She is athletic and funny and determined. She is outgoing and fearless and affectionate. She is an incredible little girl and I feel so fortunate to be able to see her grow.

After singing her lullaby this evening she reached her arms out to me for one last hug. I lifted her out of her crib and gathered her in my arms and held her tight. I closed my eyes and held that two year old close to my heart for quite awhile. I tried to take in all the sounds and smells and feelings that I had at that moment because it will never come again. I knew when I tucked her in I was saying good-night to my two-year old for the very last time. My eyes welled up with tears as I breathed my two-year old baby into me, desperately trying to seer the memories of this age, of this last hug into my brain. And then I laid her down into her crib for the last time and shut the door behind me.

My baby is growing up so fast and it hurts my heart. I want to scream at Father Time and tell him to slow these days down to allow me more time to soak it all in! I wanted more time with her at age two but then I realized that I am the lucky one. I am the one who gets to wake her up in the morning; my bright-eyed three year old will be there waiting for me and she will jump into my arms in the early morning light. I am the lucky one. When I left her room tonight I thought a lot about her birthmother and I cried. And then I said a prayer. I prayed that she would have peace when she thinks about her daughter. I prayed that she could somehow know that I am taking good care of our little girl and helping her thrive. I prayed that she would feel joy when thinking about this wonderful child she helped to create.

Starting next year I am going to take the evening before Almi's birthday to do something to recognize her birthmom. We may light a candle or release balloons or plant seeds. I am not sure how just yet but the night before her birthday seems like the right time. Tonight it was just me, my thoughts and and a prayer. A prayer to her birthmom and a prayer of thanks to God for this child.

Happy 3rd Birthday, Naomi Winter Almaz! Sweet Almi! My pumpkin! Momma loves you!!!