Behavior, Attachment and Daycare. Oh My!

For a minute there I thought my daughter had perfected whining. It was becoming her normal voice but thankfully it has become less frequent. I think the increase in hitting, acting out and whining were all related to a recent ear infection and thankfully even though she does occasionally misbehave when she's feeling well, she is for the most part a very sweet girl. Yes, she's two and behaviors like that are to be expected, but as an adopted child I am always on the look out for other reasons behind her behaviors.

I posted that video on her hitting cause I wanted to document it. We have worked on it and she rarely does it now but I'm glad I had my camera available when it happened. I wondered if all children went through a stage of hitting. She never hit me before she went into daycare so I wondered if it was a learned behavior, developmental or something else? For one, it was a good lesson to me that no matter how good of a parent I think I am, no matter how great my classroom management is as a teacher, no matter how well-behaved my preschool students were in the classroom, no matter how many times I shook my head when I saw other people's children acting up -- it all changes when you are a parent. They test you. Children test you. Period.

But I also wonder all the time how much of this is adoption related so I have been rereading articles on attachment this week. If I compare what we experienced in Ethiopia to what we are experiencing now, I would say in the most simplest of terms that she was not attached then but she is now. But I can't really be sure. Friends comment on our great attachment. But as the excerpts below indicate, a child may look attached and not actually be.

Children who are adopted after the age of 6 months are at risk for attachment problems. Normal attachment develops during the child's first two years of life. Problems with the mother-child relationship during that time, orphanage experience, or breaks in the consistent caregiver-child relationship interfere with the normal development of attachment. There are a wide range of attachment problems that result in varying degrees of emotional disturbance in the child. One thing is certain; if an infant's needs are not met consistently, in a loving, nurturing way, attachment will not occur normally. When the first-year-of-life attachment-cycle is undermined and the child’s needs are not met, and normal socializing shame is not resolved, mistrust begins to define the perspective of the child and attachment problems result. The cycle can become undermined or broken for many reasons:

· Multiple disruptions in care giving
·Post-partum depression causing an emotionally unavailable mother
· Hospitalization of the child causing separation from the parent and/or unrelieved pain
· Parents who are attachment disordered, leading to neglect, abuse (physical/sexual/verbal), or inappropriate parental responses not leading to a secure/predictable relationship
· Genetic factors
· Pervasive developmental disorders
· Caregivers whose attachment needs are not met, leading to overload and lack of awareness of the infants needs

My daughter has been with me since she was 21 months of age. But before that she had multiple care givers and lived in several different places. She lived with her biological mother for quite some time and from what I read about her story I wouldn't be surprised if her mother suffered from post-partum depression. I don't doubt for a minute that her mother loved/loves her, but the circumstances were extremely difficult and if one is considering adoption I imagine you might try to keep some emotional distance between you and your child. I can't speak for her and since my agency doesn't facilitate introductions between bio and birth families I never got the opportunity to meet her and talk to her unfortunately, so I can only speculate about the level of attachment they experienced.

After relinquishment, Almi experienced multiple care givers until I came into her life in March. I have been consistently in her life since then, but she was in an orphanage longer and she was with her mother longer. Should I really assume at this point that she is attached to me? Why would she be when in her experience I am just another caregiver. Sure, she calls me mommy and gives me hugs and sometimes cries when I leave but does she really know, really know, that I am here to stay? Thinking about changing her caregivers again by possibly putting her in a new school in the fall is stressing me out. I still haven't come to a decision about that. Sure, it's more convenient for me and it's cheaper for me but is best for her?


So how does one distinguish the difference between a child who "looks"attached and a child who really is making a healthy, secure attachment? This question becomes important for adoptive families because some adopted children will form an almost immediate dependency bond to their adoptive parents. To mistake this as secure and healthy attachment can lead to many problems down the road. just because a child calls someone "Mom" of "Dad", snuggles, cuddles, and says, "I love you," does not mean the child is attached or even attaching. Saying, "I love you," and knowing what that really feels like, can be two different things. Attachment is a process. It takes time. The key to its formation is trust, and trust becomes secure only after repeated testing. Generally attachment develops during the first two to three years of life. The child learns that he or she is loved and can love in return. The parents give love and learn that the child loves them. The child leans to trust that his needs will be met in a consistent and nurturing manner. The child learns that he "belongs" to his family and they to him. It is through these elements that a child learns to love, and how to accept love.

You can read the whole article here.

How much time is necessary for attachment I wonder? Is 4 months enough time for an adopted child to attach? To trust? To feel secure? I like that she is independent and expressive (and yes, this includes acting out) because in my mind that means she is becoming secure. I think she knows being disciplined for hitting doesn't mean I don't love her or won't stay but rather that hitting is wrong. I really do think she loves me and trusts me, but as a natural worrier I have my doubts and without bio kids to compare her to I have only my own instincts to go on. Deep down I think going to a new school will be ok with her, especially if I keep a babysitter from her old daycare, and I will be right down the hall every day. That should help. But I don't know for sure. I am going to use my beach vacation as time to think and reflect on it. When I get back hopefully the new site will be built so I can see the physical space and meet her new teachers and if I like it, and if there is still space available, I will look at as a sign to go ahead and make the switch. Dang! This parenting thing is hard work!