Happy New Year!

It's January 1, 2009 about 8:30 am. It's freezing cold outside but it's a beautifully bright and sunny day. It's also extremely quiet. A very still and peaceful morning. I can hear a lone bird occasionally chirping outside my window, but nothing else. No yardwork, no cars passing by, no voices from my neighbors or dogs barking. All I consistently hear is the tapping of my fingers hitting the keyboard as I compose this New Year's Post.

A new year is here. I love the concept of a new year. I love that January 1st feels so different from December 31st. I love making resolutions, the feeling of a fresh start--that anything is possible. It's strange to think of the newness of life and new beginnings in the dead of winter. It would make so much more sense in the spring when the earth wakes up from its cold and dreary nap to warmer days and soft breezes with little buds forming on trees and flowers pushing themselves up from the earth. Starting fresh in spring makes sense to me, not on a bitterly cold January day but today feels different from other New Year's days to me. It is especially bright and I feel a renewed sense of energy and purpose. As 2008 was drawing to a close I was so conflicted about many things. 2008 brought a lot of possiblities with it, but also dashed dreams and unfulfilled expectations. If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you know what I am talking about. If not, let's just say there are two things that I really wanted and I was forced to choose. I have accepted my choice but that doesn't mean I yearn for the thing I gave up. As 2008 came to a close I wondered if I had made the right decision because I wasn't much closer to my goal than this time last year and still can't clearly see the end in sight. I wondered why life had to be so complicated! Why couldn't I have everything I wanted in life? Why me? Why me? (insert pity party here) Just when I could barely feel any more sorry for myself, I was reminded that my life is precious and I am blessed and seriously to get over myself. A friend of mine died.

She had just turned 40 and was almost 7 months pregnant. We met through SMC when we were both trying to figure out how to proceed with bringing children into our lives. We hadn't seen eachother in awhile since the groups tend to split between those that choose pregnancy and those who choose adoption, but we had just recently gotten back in touch and had exchanged a few emails. Sadly, she had a complication from her pregnancy and didn't make it. They were able to deliver her baby fortunately, and he's doing great, but I can't help but really I feel for my friend who never got to hold the baby she so desperately wanted and for whom she was excitedly preparing the nursery.

So I didn't go out last night. I needed to stay home and reflect on 2008 and plan for 2009. I did just that (and also baked cookies) and it was good. I am grateful to be here in 2009 and will embrace whatever the new year brings! I also made some broad resolutions that work for me:

1. Choose to be happy.

2. Get organized.

3. Be good to myself and others.

That's it. I know what each one means to me and how it will make my life so much better. My life. My life. I am still here and that is enough to make me happy for awhile.



(my friend in the center)