Reflections at 42

It's been a long time since I have posted. I turned 42 last week and I have been doing a lot of reading and a lot of reflecting. This week I read A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier and There is No Me Without You. Both books were incredibly depressing, inspiring, moving. A Long Way Gone, by Ishmael Beah, is a first hand account of his experiences being a child soldier in Sierra Leone. It opened my eyes to an evil and suffering and resilience that I didn't know existed. There is No Me Without You is also incredibly moving. Melissa Fay Greene tells of an Ethiopian woman who, when faced with tragedy, turns her life around by rescuing orphans. I highly recommend both. They both made me cry and remind me how much I want to do something to make a difference in Africa. There are so many ways to help and so much is needed and my desire is so strong, but how? Adoption is a beautiful way to change the life of one child, and I look forward to doing that, but it clearly doesn't have the more global reach that I desire. I am trying to decide what my focus should be. HIV/AIDS? Malaria or TB? Women's empowerment? Education? Orphans? Hunger? Child Slavery? Should I start a non-profit or just sponsor one child/family? Should I visit or move there to be more hands on? I looked into a volunteer vacations that I hoped to be able to do on my summer break but discovered that the dates I want were already filled. Perhaps I can do that next spring or summer if I'm not pregnant or haven't started the adoption process. I also think a lot about the children in the private school where I teach and how fortunate they are. Is there some way I can involve their parents in this? I keep reading about communities where many families end up adopting when they become aware and are moved of the plight. How wonderful would it be if some of those parents decide to adopt when they see me do it? But as I figure out how to get involved with that I continue to reflect on when I should start my adoption. I wish I were more ready to begin today. Well, it boils down to two things..

1. Should I try to start the non-profit, volunteer abroad, etc. right now? Cause I worry that I won't have the time or energy to do it after an adoption. and

2. I had always imagined that I would be starting my family with my husband and to do it alone requires a paradigm shift. Since I haven't completely wrapped my mind around that fact, I remain hesitant. (It's not that I am holding out for Mr. Right, which is what I think people think when I say that. No, it's more getting over the fears of doing it alone. Fears of not having someone to discuss all the important decisions with; fears of not having enough money; fears of not being enough in my child's life...)

A good friend of mine always says "fear and faith can't coexist" and I believe this to be true. I just need to have faith that I will be able to do both and that God will help lead me down the right path.