I'm a Black and White Cookie

I swear I have adult-onset ADD. That and I'm the most indecisive person you have ever met.



I want to adopt.
But shouldn't I do this when I'm more settled professionally?
I want a biological child.
But I'm afraid of birth defects.
I don't want to be a single parent.
But if I wait too long I'll be old or barred from doing it.
I want my own business.
But what about health insurance?
I want to volunteer abroad.
But is that a good use of money saved?
I want to get an MSW.
But won't I have to start at a low salary?
I want to stay here and teach in an international school.
But wouldn't teaching abroad be so much more fulfilling?
I want to quit my job.
But then I won't pass my home study.


f*!%k.


I have prayed and prayed and PRAYED on this for the past year. I have started meditating, too, cause I read somewhere that prayer is like asking and meditating is listening. I have been listening, Lord, and I swear I am no closer to an answer than a year ago.

I know that fear and faith can't co-exist and my fears overwhelm me. I really need to internalize that everything will be alright, no matter what the choice. I often think of Jocelyn , a young woman who adopted as a single woman, when I have doubts. I am so impressed with her. She had fears but ended up adopting alone and is so happy and grateful for her son Issac. I have never even met her but I think of her often. She said in one of her posts "I decided that I would hold off adopting till I was 27 or 28. I didn't want to adopt a child as a single woman. I wanted a partner, someone to share the ups and downs with. But the day I saw Issac's picture, I knew in my heart, he's it. The one, no doubt about it. I waited for months to see if they found him a two parent home, and they didn't. Then one Monday morning I woke up, and I wasn't scared anymore. I felt like God was saying to me, "you won't do it alone, you'll do it with me". I need that kind of peace and self-confidence so I can make the leap into something --adoption, trying an IUI, quitting my job, volunteering abroad or starting my own business--something! And whatever it is, I will be fine. And if I am not fine, well I can figure it out then. Right now all I am is paralyzed with indecision. I have had all sorts of advice...

"Do not adopt. You are not ready and it's too expensive."

"You should adopt. It is such a beautiful thing to do."

"Don't have a child. Why would you want to go through a pregnancy all alone?"

"You should try to have a baby first. You don't want to look back with regret for not trying."

"Don't become a parent before you find the man. He is just around the corner and you need time to go out and date to find him. If you have the kid first, you will never find a man."

"Girl, don't quit your job. It's rough out here."

"Why would you stay in a job where you aren't fulfilled? Life is too short. Besides, you're single. You don't have a child to care for or a husband to consult. Just follow your heart and do it."

"Move abroad! Anyone who says you shouldn't is jealous because they don't have that option and they are saddled at home with babies and husbands. Do it now while you are free."


Dang.


From now on I am going to cover my ears and close my eyes and say "la la la la la la la" whenever someone comes to me with advice!!!!!!!!!! I don't need to hear any more!! NO MORE ADVICE!!! This is my decision alone to make and I will do it... pray for me. :-/

You Are a Black and White Cookie

You're often conflicted in life, and you feel pulled in two opposite directions. When you're good, you're sweet as sugar. And when you're bad, you're wicked!