You Have Family?

'You have family?' That is a phrase you hear a lot here. I have been guilty of uttering those exact words in the past weeks. When someone asks a child if they have a family or when a child tells me he has a family, the understanding is she is talking about an American family. You also see kids wearing T-shirts that say in large caps 'so and so HAS A FAMILY!!!' The kids here talk about family a lot and are eager to share with you what state they will be moving to and ask you questions about the weather there or about the states where we live. They are excited to show you their albums with pictures of their moms, dads, siblings, church, bedroom, etc. It's great that so many kids are placed for adoption through this agency and I share in the happiness of those who are matched with an American family. With over 4 million orphans in Ethiopia, any child who makes it to America is beating the odds and getting an opportunity for quite a different life experience.

This week, though, I really internalized what an incredible sacrifice adoption is on birth families and how many mixed emotions the children have about getting a family. You see, it wasn't until living here in Addis and getting to know these kids that I realized that many of them have families, Habesha families, who they love and miss. Sure, they are excited to get to America and have their own rooms and the stability of a healthy family unit, but they are also scared. They verbalize worries about food, school, siblings, missing Ethiopia, not liking where they end up, etc. But what I hadn't really understood was how many still have families that they have to leave behind and how hard it must be on these kids to know that getting an American family means perhaps never seeing their Habesha family again. No family should have to make that sacrifice and no child should have to say good-bye to their parents simply because they do not have the means to take care of them any longer.

Earlier this week one of the girls got a visit from her Habesha mother and grandmother. The older women, dressed up in what was probably their finest clothing, sat proud and strong as they met with the little girl, about ten. It was one of the most poignant and heart wrenching experiences I have ever had. These lovely women were painfully thin and I could see a hollow sadness in their eyes. They could barely muster a smile as they sat quietly chatting with this darling girl, for what will no doubt be one of the last times. I was only in the room with them for moment while another volunteer took some photos but the scene brought tears to my eyes and seeing them made me question for the first time if adoption really is an answer for older children with healthy relatives. This girl's mother may be sick, but what about parents who are healthy but just struggling to make ends meet? When did giving your children up for adoption in order to survive become an acceptable solution to poverty? I could see how sad they were --all three of them-- and it was heartbreaking.

The question 'Do you a family?' isn't one I ask anymore. And seeing the T-shirts declaring the child has a family now make me cringe. I guess it's the arrogance or the superiority that comes across that getting an American family is a blessing and the child should be thankful. On one hand this is absolutely true; but I hope that APs understand when they adopt older children that no matter how grateful they may be to be in America, they are suffering from grief and loss from being separated from their first family who they remember and love. It is critical to honor the child's first family and keep him connected to his first culture. Being Ethiopian is something of which all these children are extremely proud and that absolutely needs to be respected and valued.


~~~~~ I started this entry last week and I have an update which gives this entry a happier ending. That same little girl was informed today that she 'got a family'. I will say that her eyes shined more brightly than I have ever seen them and she hugged us all upon hearing the news. She was genuinely happy. As it turns out, the family who adopted her didn't realize she existed when they adopted her little sister last year but are now working on bringing her into the family. She will be reunited with her sister sometime in 2009.