I'm sure at least one person asked that that question, so here's the deal. Well, I had some drama at work. Luckily, it all worked out. My boss is a great woman. She's very supportive of adoption (her two nephews were adopted from Russia) and she values my strengths, but I am still not sure if I am going to stay there next year. Although my job has great child care benefits and starting a new job the same year as starting the whole motherhood thing will be a lot, I just need to be happy, you know? You spend so much time at work it's really a shame if you don't love what you do. And maybe most people don't love what they do, but SOME DO and I want to be one of those people!! Shoot! Why not?!
So, the day all the drama went down was supposed to be the day of my first home study. And all that drama led to me putting in my resignation. (I can be impulsive when I feel wronged and teachers are in demand so why but up with b.s.?!) I figured I wouldn't pass a home study unemployed so had to cancel it. Well in the end, I didn't resign. The head of school really likes me for some reason, so I agreed to stay... for the time being.
So what does this mean as far as my adoption? Well, that's what I am trying to figure out... Here are all my concerns:
1. Not knowing if I will be at this job next year makes me a little wary about when to resume the process. Though, being that I am a teacher, if I go ahead with the resignation there will be 10,000 teaching jobs available next fall. So maybe I shouldn't worry? But, alas, worry is what I do best. :-/ I probably make my life way more complicated than it needs to be. *sigh...*
2. Money. I don't know how much money would keep me from not worrying, but let's just say if I were Angelina Jolie I wouldn't be concerned. I keep thinking maybe I should be saving more first so I can feel a little more at ease? I have the opportunity to teach abroad next year and make a lot of money. If I take the job I can come back and adopt with the money I saved. A friend of mine is looking into teaching in Hong Kong. She found a school paying $75,000 tax-free and they pay for housing and utilities. Their website says you can save at least $40,000 a year! One year teaching abroad and my adoption is paid for. It's a thought. I don't know if I'd do Hong Kong, but there is a school in Addis Ababa!
3. I really don't want to do this alone. I know a lot of married women say they feel like they are a single parent but I would still like to share the parenting experience with my husband. And when I see the adoption videos of these happy couples getting their referrals or picking up their children I get a little jealous. How wonderful would that be to share with a spouse? But since I don't want to be 50 years old and a first time mom, I will get over this at some point. I'd rather do it alone than not at all. Single parents out there, do you know what I am going through?!! I know once she's here it will be my life as I know it and I will wonder why I waited so long... But for now it seems like such a big deal! Someone told me that once I have a child my focus will no longer be on me and all this trying to figure out my life will become so much less important. I'm sure that's true. But for now all I feel like I can do is scream. AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!
All of these concerns are also tied up in my renewed thinking that maybe I should try to have a baby first. And let me clarify that statement here. I want it to be understood that I will adopt. That I know for sure. What I don't know is when. I am starting to think it might be better to wait, especially now that it appears that I can do it later. I felt so much pressure this summer to get started immediately with the threat of Ethiopia barring singles. But it appears that they aren't barring singles, but rather homosexuals. Apparently now it's a requirement to sign an affidavit confirming your heterosexual status. (Of course, with international adoption being so unpredictable, you never really know what requirements will be in place in the future, but for now it appears I am safe).
So, my adoption is on hold for the time being and I think I will try IUI after all. My RE says I only have about a 5% chance of getting pregnant at my age. Not great odds, I realize that, but it's not 0%. And I can't help but think that my mom had me at 37 back in the day and my great-grandmother had my grandmother at 44! Dr. Sacks says the statistics are bad but you never really know until you try. So that's the new plan. Do two or three cycles of IUI. November, December and possibly January. If I don't get pregnant, I will need to make a choice. Either resume the adoption at that point or go to the international job fair in February.
So, there you have it. It's a crazy, mixed up, twisted topsy turvy journey with no known beginning or end. So bear with me (or not) as I go back and forth in this crazy decision making process of how and when I become the only thing I have always known that I have wanted....
Meanwhile, I ordered some shirts to keep me connected to my little peanut....
Cute, huh?
Oh, and since I may not be a mother in 2008 I changed the blog address to 'tothemotherland'. You know, going to get my child from the motherland and I'm headed to motherhood...get it? Whatever... It's a creative as I could get. :-/
3 comments:
Good luck on all you decide to do.
By the way, I lived in Hong Kong for some time and actually turned down a job there last Sept. so I could do my adoption. Just remember that living abroad will open a whole new world to you. Traveling to exotic countries will just be a few hundred dollars away as opposed to thousands of dollars from the US. You'll also be going out all the time (trust me.. apt. are super small there so you'll want to be out and about). There are also more millionaires living in HK than anywhere else (except Dubai).. so you never know who you'll meet. ;-)
Good luck!
Thank you, Tasha. My friend who is considering HK said the same thing about the millionaires... funny. And I only need to meet one, you got that right!
Wow.... major life decisions, eh? So much of what you wrote reminded me... including visiting Senegal! when I was single, I looked into adopting from Ethiopia (about 5 years ago). Something told me to wait. Three years ago, I got married for the first time, at 43. I'm glad I waited, but that's such an individual decision. I also know a little bit about the whole IUI thing. Best of luck to you! The stats they quote are dismal, but that doesn't mean that those are *your* odds. One of my best friends had her first at 43, her second at 45. Naturally.
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